Solitary confinement

I just feel so broken. It’s been this way for years, as long as I can remember. But lately I really feel it. How can anyone live this long and have no one? Sure, there are people who pretend to care. But they’re all way too self-involved to even lift a finger. And it’s always been this way. It can’t be like this for everyone else. I see the pictures, smiling, happy with their significant others, their babies; their families and friends. None of them are so alone they find themselves talking to themselves out of sheer loneliness. Like I’m doing now I guess. I have these dreams where I’m surrounded by people and I’m funny and flirty and liked and wanted and then I wake up to the same nothingness I left behind when I went to sleep. Every damn day. All these thoughts racing around my head and no one to share them with. What did I do so wrong that no one wants to be a part of my life? Family, friends, potential lovers, just rejection after rejection after rejection. I have to feel like I don’t deserve this, but I must. What other answer is there? “Hey, just love yourself and drink water and everything will be better!” Says everyone who has no fucking clue what my life has been like for so long now. Why don’t you love me and drink some water with me? Oh, I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself again, time to go back to sleep. My life is so much better in that state.

I Am Not Happy

Today really sucked, per usual. Nonetheless, I was off from work for the last two days on PTO. I was alone and stuck in my thoughts for the most part. I don’t have any friends, so it’s hards to really talk to anyone about what I have been feeling. I tried the therapy thing, and it did nothing for me, honestly. So sometimes, I come here and I write about you or the other person who is often on my mind.

However, today is a different day bc I realized that I need to focus more on myself. I need to regroup and figure out how to get out of my funk. I am really bored and low keep depressed. I know I shouldn’t be complaining bc I am in a much better space than most people. I have a roof over my head and I still live at home with mom. I have a great job with a solid compensation package, and I am healthy despite having COVID several months back.

Honestly speaking, I feel tired…tired of everything. Tired of worrying about everything.

Expressing anger

In the end it’s nothing to really do with you. I was just tired of feeling angry at you. I wish I was emotionally mature enough for my reptilian mind to get that it isn’t really other people who make us angry; it’s the unmet expectations we once formed for them.

Apparently I’m not that conscious after all. You wouldn’t have gotten much more out of me.

And then there was nothing..

Been thinking a lot about you lately.. I wonder what could have been if I hadn’t messed it all up… or if you had actually talked to me about what happened. What hurt the most was that you took someone else’s word without even talking to me. I thought we ran deeper than that. The truth was I didn’t know how to tell you. I was scared. What it created instead was a monster and a formidable silence that can’t be broken.

The hurt after forgiveness

I’ve finally reached that point of forgiveness, where nothing from the past matters. It doesn’t bother me anymore and every mistake on both sides were because we are human.

I forgive you

But there’s still that stabbing pain that comes with it…the acceptance of everything including the fact that I’ve truly lost a friend due to the bitterness, pain and anger on both sides

That’s what hurts me now Beautiful

Take care
Old man