Sail away, (my) Sailor

Dear A,

I honestly don’t know how to start this. There’s too much to say and at the same time, nothing. And I’ll use our 2nd language so it isn’t too obvious. Jk.

I can’t sleep tonight. Maybe I’m lonely, idk. Most of the nights, I’m alone and I’m pretty much okay with it. I think you know that I love it, spending time by myself. But you know what, it sometimes does feel lonely. I wanna talk to someone about everything under the sun, I wanna hug someone until we feel asleep, I want those forehead kisses, I want to listen and to vent to someone about my day- about how fun or even how stressful it is, I want to know that someone will care for and love me no matter what happens. And what sucks is, I want it to be you…

I’ve talked to guys like you (I was always joking about the category/profession, as ours do match they say). I’ve had some “almost lovers” or “almost relationships”, and you know it. Maybe even at the start of those few months, I know that it will never work. I did told you that. But what’s crazy is, out of all those “Almosts”, you’re the one I wanna build something real with. But I was scared, as always. I miss that smile, your voice and how you make me feel. You have offered me those things that I want, a serious relationship, but ofc, I was scared. The maturity always gets me, you’re older. So I thought you know what you’re dealing and just what to do. I’m both right and wrong.

I still can’t say that it was genuine tbh. But I can feel it can be. I’ve had my walls and you do, too. Maybe I was waiting for you break yours first and to be patient with me. The thing is, I was starting to break it down, slowly. I did hope you have waited for it. Well, you never did. You left. Without saying anything. The last time we’ve messaged, it was okay. No indication that you’ll stop. And it hurts. It really does. Getting over you takes a lot more time than the time that we’ve been talking. It’s crazy. I don’t deserve it. You don’t, too.

You don’t deserve someone who pushes you away and is scared of opening up and committing. I don’t deserve someone who isn’t patient (because Love is patient). I don’t deserve someone who will leave me just like that. Without saying a word. I honestly think that we could be something. Up to now I still do. That maybe while I was trying to move on, you’ll come back, and love me, truthfully.

If that isn’t happening, you know it, I’m a well-wisher. I wish you all the best. I hope you are happy. I know I will be. For now, keep sailing (My almost) Sailor! Thank you for the memories. x

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