I’m getting comfortable with crying at my desk, going to the restroom to clean up my mascara, and getting back to work as if nothing happened. I am trying to do the right thing but the right thing is killing me. I wish God would just fill up the emptiness with something else. Anything else. Make me satisfied with this. God, is this what you want for me? I am trying so hard to be grateful for all that I have. I know you have given me more than I deserve but this part is destroying me. Everyday I feel emptier. I can’t be who I need to be. Who I know I am supposed to be. This isn’t who you wanted me to be. I know you want me to do something else but I don’t see how I can do both at the same time. I don’t see why you would allow me to be in a situation that is driving me further from where I should be. And if this is where I should be, why? Why do you have me here? This is so painful. Is that all I am? A martyr? To give me so much hope and joy in my heart hut allow me to remain in a situation that steals it everyday for the rest of my life? I’m so angry and hurt but more angry and hurt by the fact that I am angry and hurt. I don’t want to feel this way. You know my heart and if I could accept it you know I would. I’ve been trying for 15 years. I’ve shouldered this on my own but nothing is changing. I just grow more weary. Where are you??