Char….. You hurt me a lot, what did I do to deserve it?

Ok I know after saying I like you that could be it, but it is not. I did think saying things too nice was, but can that be it?
I have thought objectively and really gone over it all.
Now facts matter here. Ok I said you are a blessing to me and I am really glad I got to know you.
I said you are a wonderful person. I also made some jokes about marriage, too many, well about 5 in total. But one is too many if you don’t like it.
But then again, when I made my work wife proposal, it was accidental in that I didn’t intend to make the proposal and then when you stuck out your hand, I played along. I know me saying beforehand you could be work wife was me initially saying it, but you said you were cool with that.
Other than that, well, let us be blunt. You always came over to say goodbye, I never ever did because I knew you were coming over.
You always came to share a break with 0 reluctance or refusal, not one time.
When at one site, you would opt to work with me, offering to help me as opposed to others.
You would never ever just say “Hi” or “Alright” you would have stuff to talk about.
NEVER would you NOT say bye, you would say it directly or wait a few minutes for me to finish.
Now, there is 0 chance even with the different role, it is irrelevant, you’d clear out now in order to not say bye.
Remember when we were good, drive home and you in front, hazards on to flash bye, not me, you!
Remember telling me what things happened to you?
Remember the pics i asked to see, you showed?
Remember me rubbing your ears?
Remember me stroking your hair?
Remember the hugs?
Remember that I have NEVER asked for intimate things to happen, but you have revealed intimate desires.
You have been flirty-remember talking about masturbation and I joked you’d think of me that night, next day I said “So, did you” and you said “Haaa well that would be telling wouldn’t it”
Remember that I-3 messages-stayed in touch with some nice greetings and a few vids and jokes and concern, when you had covid?
Ok maybe all too much. But the thing that gets me is nothing you ever did did I take as a come on, the differences meant we cannot be, like you said. What I did take it as though is, a clear you like me, we are closer than others. And, I did say this to you and you said yes we were closer than others.
Much of my being near you was not coming to find you, it was by necessity of the job and where you were.
And there is more, but it doesn’t need saying. If you were to be objective, yes I was a little over the top with how much I liked you and said so-ie said how nice you are, and happy you made me.
But never ever pretend you never liked me, without extra details, of every chat, either you are a liar, a manipulative user when you had no one else to talk to. Or, you genuinely were who you seemed to be and genuinely liked me as much as it seemed.
Now when we had a chat, I said, I want to be just that-What we were, right now, if I touched you, you would freak, before you used to say you trust me, feel comfortable with me, well heck I touch your hand today and you freaked out.
I come in I get “Alright” if I am lucky. You finish, “Bye guys” and then dash for the exit.
You NEVER come to where I am to chat now, I could be alone or in a room, whatever, you just will not initiate a chat now, beforehand you used to actually come sit near me, come to where I was specifically to talk with me.
And that is what I really don’t get. If you kissed me on the cheek, hugged me, talk to me, do me a favour, ask for one, I won’t assume you want sex or marriage, I KNOW the situation.
What I would assume is, we are back to normal.
But no. If I had just started work today, I would get a warmer reception from you than I actually am.
What the hell did I do so evil to you?
I have stayed well away, but not so far it could be claimed I am avoiding you, just not looking, not hovering too often in your vicinity, not trying to butt in on a conversation, I don’t know now how to act, I am on eggshells if I am forced to be near you, I look away, I stay away.
But I do greet you, I do say bye, I do talk when it is appropriate-IE we are literally right next to each other in the car park, there is a work thing to discuss etc.
I am really really hurt though at how I am now treated compared to others. You laugh, go up to them to talk, rush to say how great others are, invite others to play games, ask others to go to get something to eat. Someone asked you to do me a favour you EASILY could have, wow did you look like you got hit with a bus! I could see how uncomfortable you were with the idea, thank fuck I wasn’t going into cardiac arrest, you’d have left me to die and said you did not know cpr.
Well I asked them not to ask ever again, it is clear you now despise me for whatever I did, I apologise again, I was never rude, never disrespectful, a little too happy being around a person I like, my punishment for being open and honest is that friendship got nuked.
Am only writing this because I am sad and angry at the same time.
Angry with myself because I wish I never said a thing, angry at you because I don’t believe I deserved to be virtually ignored or acknowledged like I am-As if I am the guy at the bus stop you say hi to to be polite.
Sad because I care about you, I loved working with you because we had such a laugh, were so easy to talk to, share things with. Because you seemed so open and honest and genuine
And now I am shut away like I am some dirt, some nothing, it is really painful to me.
I am not asking to be bf/gf or to be around you all the time, I had hoped to be someone you liked, enough to occasionally ask me how I am and mean it, or the occasional text once a year, or to answer me if I did. Or come talk to me once in a while, everyone else manages it so it isn’t like you can’t.
But it is your call. I have to deal with it, you don’t want friendship, fine. I respect it no matter how much it pains me, so I won’t push for it, I will have to just apologise for whatever I did to alienate you so much. And thanks for being the apparent great friend I enjoyed being around when things were how they were. I miss you. Wish we could have had just that again, but thank you for while it was anyway it meant a lot to me

One thought on “Char….. You hurt me a lot, what did I do to deserve it?”

  1. So been thinking what to do, I figure you hate me, that or nothing me. The fact I am hurt is irrelevant. How I feel about you doesn’t matter to you. I don’t mean that it should. What I mean is, I will never get to explain.
    If you saw this you’d hate me more.
    If I could explain anyway it would be no more than I already said. Whatever I feel I know we cannot be together, I also know how we were to begin with, which is why I grew to like you.
    I have never ever felt so comfortable with a person before. I know we are not the same age, but you have such maturity and kindness-a part of which is what makes ignoring me now so much more hurtful.
    But the things you trusted me enough to tell, the fact you explicitly said you felt comfortable around me, that you trusted me, that too made me feel closer to you.
    Not romantically speaking here, just as a person.
    Which is why I said I wanted that back.
    But I guess that messages one too many? Or nice comments too much and too many?
    Well what can I do?
    Nothing, like I said, how I feel is not relevant to how you feel. So what SHOULD I do?
    Nothing, I can’t be less upset, it really does hurt that you ignore a text like it never got sent-even though it says seen-it really hurts that you no longer want to say bye or hello with anything more than the perfunctory nod to anyone you just met.
    But what I mean to do is just stay out your way. Not crowd you, not talk to you, not be near.
    Not because I don’t want to. Who doesn’t love to be near people they like?
    But you need to feel at ease, so I have decided that the following choices exist.
    1. Stay away but be me-which is nice, funny, kind, caring, happy and hope that eventually when you can and do believe I only want that friendship, just the occasional text-how are you, or a reply to mine, and good time when we see each other, that you will be that again.
    2. Be a dick and ignore you and fuck it you will see how horrid it is
    3. You hate me and ignore me as you are and never give a damn if we never speak again

    2. Not an option, you are a good person and I am the one who was ……well whatever I was/wasn’t that brought this on, so if i lost you for good as that friend, or you never wanted a friend who cares deeply about the friendship, then so be it, you are the one who decides not me.
    Whether you hate me or not, I cannot be an asshole to you, you don’t deserve that
    3. Again, what can I do, nothing at all, it is how it is and wishing it away won’t change that, so suck it up and learn to be less overt with saying a person is great and you like them, just accept I lost you

    Which leaves what I will do-1. Because I cannot just not care, I do promise I am not after anything more, I always said from day 1, i knew you weren’t interested, and if you were you would say not me. And so I will make sure you feel comfortable by staying quiet, staying away, but being who and what I am.
    If I am lucky, i by being who I was-Minus any stupid niceties or being too “around you” will ern the friendship back.

    I hope it works, if not then like I said, I have myself to blame. No one else

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