I’m sorry.

It took me awhile plus one night’s sleep to come around to the fact that you don’t deserve my anger after all. What you deserve is to be forgiven so that I can let go and forget. I think I’ve been imagining that finding new happiness would just kind of “take care” of that problem. But feeling wonderful about all of the things to which I’ve moved on has not eradicated the way I’d been left to feel about you; and none of those feelings have felt good for a long time now.

I think forgiveness mostly takes time, but there is an active component of letting go once you’re just about “there.” I think I’ve reached that point now. I hope I have. I will meditate when the mind decides that anything with regard to you, or this, needs to be recalled. In due time it will be forgotten. And then I’ll probably remember the situation quite differently.

But in my current state of “not yet there” with forgiveness, I rather pettily want to be clear about something. I haven’t “loved” you for two years now; and all I wanted was to be friends. Real friends. Not imaginary friends. The kind of friends who text to wish each other well and say things like “I’m sorry for your loss.” Maybe it was a lot to expect? It’s hard to feel like you’re being eaten alive by your own isolation when the friends you chose stopped choosing you. But nothing about that makes your behavior wrong, so I will stop believing that, and hopefully that is the path to forgiveness.

Also, I know what forgiveness is. I don’t care whether you want it, or whatever, because it’s not something I’m giving to you. It is not a bargaining chip; It’s for me. My anger, my problem.

And on that note, it (finally) doesn’t even matter if you read this.

Fare thee well.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.