On bad days

My memories get stuck together, in particular after my ex who had been silent for a number of years made contact with my husband for a few metal shows and other familiar faces from my former party crew in Wyoming after they started pinging in friend requests after..10 plus years now.

It got me to thinking if, like in Black Monday when they set up that undercover cop with the guy for a con just to fuck with her. I’ve seen people make radical decisions post Break up to stick it to the other person regardless if the parting ways is justified through poor treatment and fractured trust. How did they choose to tell the story afterwards to shared relations?

I’ll spot names in my game that remind me of inside jokes from band practice nights in the flowers basement where the pornography was taped up on the walls for inspiration,or other notable events. I spot nicknames and initials I’m familiar with and then I make a connection. Did I just see my deceased cats name?

Fuck, what if that guy I met on Craigslist was a hired hit, and the others after that, deal the damage then get out. Slo does look an awful lot like Savanah after all, and what’s with all these links in Japan?..you know how those military brotherhood types roll getting each others backs, or maybe Yakuza ..I’d heard my fair share of those drinking with the Yakuza stories. He told me one night one of his navy crew had pissed off the wrong guys and disappeared at a club after the lights went out. Stories for a party or cautionary tales?

I remember how my military cousin in Florida and him had forged a connection over nose candy and made some plans for money. How the fuck did they even get to talking or even meet? I don’t remember.

Inwardly I groan, if that’s the case I guess I can brush off a solid swatch of time My life to Court and his bag of dicks. That’s at least kind of funny in the Big Mouth joke sense, but if I dwell on it too much I’ll probably ugly cry myself into oblivion.

I danced around the severity of this notion to my husband who laughingly assures me he is not of that nature and is only guilty of having presence around the same time frame not the same space of interaction. He came to America from Russia in his preteens and we met in school, him a well to do student and cross country skiier.. me delinquent as I was and that was a whole different box of potential insecurities I felt I handled with relative albeit wary ease.

I worry sometimes about my grasp of the threshold devolving but feel I’ve got a positive anchor in the other responsibilities I tend to in my day to day.

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