Forever my baby boy

My darling baby, I am not sure how 11 years have past since we lost you. You were our precious baby boy. We missed all of your firsts, we missed watching you grow up, play with your cousins, welcome your younger siblings but above all we missed loving on you everyday.

No parent is meant to bury their child but losing you was so much worse than words can describe. My heart has never healed since your heart stopped beating. I will never forget this moment, it was the absolute worse moment of my life. I had your last heart beat turned into a necklace, it is physical reminder of how precious life is and how quickly it can change.

Your daddy is still struggling with not having you here with us. You were his name sake, his first born, and the one he loved more than anything. I have come to accept your loss, as your mom I know the pain you would suffer would be unbearable. The doctors only did what they knew we could not do. They knew we were not ready to stop treatments voluntarily.

Daddy and I may not be together anymore but our love for you will never diminish. We have our own issues and we will deal with them as we need to but for now the distance between us is making us stronger for those in our lives. You would have been surrounded by so much love.

Your daddy got married 3 years ago and your younger brother turned one recently. Your stepmom would have loved you as much as we do, and your (former) stepdad is still doing everything he can to keep the peace between your daddy and I. He loves you in his own way, he just has a hard time expressing is emotions. Please know that the fighting between your daddy and I is just because we both miss and love you so much.

Watching your cousins come into my life and watching them grow up is incredibly difficult for me. I love them so much but it hurts that I can spend time with them when I cannot spend time with you my darling baby boy. You would have been the best older brother and cousin. I can’t help but think of how much fun you would have teasing and playing with them, you would be the only boy so far.

This time of the year is so difficult because it marks the day we lost you, but the day which was meant to be your birthday holds an unmeasurable amount of questions and pain. Who would you look like, what would be your favorite color, you favorite book, your favorite subject in school, your favorite sport to play, or your favorite food.

My last two rounds of cancer bring me right back to the day I found out I had it when I was pregnant with you. While treatment back then was so much more stressful because I just wanted to protect you. I wanted to give you the best chance for survival. Your daddy and I agreed to do whatever was needed to give you the best chance to be here with us but it got to the point when the doctors had to stop us from continuing down this path, they knew they would lose both of us if we kept going. While your daddy may understand the larger picture he still misses you and can’t move past that we lost you. I hope he can come to some peace knowing it was necessary.

I told J about you over the summer because I don’t want to keep anyone else in the dark about you. No matter how it changed us I needed him to know about my first born. It hurts so much to not talk about you. Daddy and I made the decision years ago to keep you as our secret. We did not want to hurt your grandparents at the time but looking back it would have been easier to heal after we lost you if they knew. They have no idea why there are days when getting out of bed is difficult, watching your cousin is unbearable, and fighting with your daddy hurts so much. I pray that in time this gets easier but even after all these years the wounds are still raw.

I know you are with those who raised me but I cannot help but feel jealous that they get you to themselves for now. There will come a day when I get to hold you again but for now they will love on you for me. My darling baby boy please know you are loved beyond measure and I cannot wait to see you again when my time here is done. Save me some big hugs. Love you always and forever my love bug.

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