My mind is a black hole

I don’t even know why I feel the need to write about this. I guess just knowing someone has read it might make me feel better. Sort of like a confession without having to actually tell someone. I had a great weekend and was unable relatively good mood. I came in today and my boss was in a bad mood. It set me off because this is the busiest day of the month for me. So I’m working on important shit and all of a sudden realize how much I love my sister and that one day, one of us is going to die and the other is going to be absolutely destroyed when that happens. No matter how old we are. One of us is going to have to live without the other and I can’t even imagine that. I start crying, get up and shut my door but keep working. Then I think about how my husband is going to die one day. Crying harder, now. Still working. Then I think about how something can happen to one of my kids. Then I realize that my parents are actually old now. Like my dad is about to be 70 this month. I think about how far away he is now and that I hardly ever see him. My sister shared a screenshot of him singing in his church. She watched it live on Facebook. And I can’t even stand to watch it because it will just trigger me and remind me of how far away he is. And that even if he lives to be 80, I probably have less than ten more times to actually see him. I think of how my kids are getting older. I cradled my 8 year old and sang her to sleep last night. I thought about how me and my husband used to grab her hands and swing her as we would walk. I don’t remember the last time we were able to do that. She is too tall now. So I thought, there will be a last time for me to cradle her and sing her to sleep and unless I keep a journal I won’t even remember it. It will just stop one day and never happen again. And I just feel the weight of life bearing down on me. That we just keep blindly going forward. Like walking through land mines, never knowing when something is going to detonate and change everything. Now I am in my car chain smoking. I’m about to go back inside and continue working like nothing ever happened. I don’t understand why I am like this and how I can just shut this shit off. Life is too much sometimes.

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