To the mother I wish I never had

You’re my mother, so of course I love you, but you’ve hurt me in ways I’ll never recover. I get we’ve reconciled over the years, broke apart, and come back many times over, but im always going to fragment from you. Im glad youre not the person you once were, but just because you don’t hit me anymore doesn’t make you a good mother. You don’t even remember half the shit you did to me, and when I remind you, you deny it vehemently. Just because you block out shit doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. You have no idea how awful it feels to be gaslighted by your own mother. At least Grammy admits to the fucked up shit she did to you. You pretend half the shit you did to me didn’t happen to make yourself feel better. That’s not fair to either of us. You have broken my spirit in ways that will never heal. I feel like I’ll never be a whole person because of you. Im typing this out for my own clarity. I dont expect a response. Hell, I’m most likely not even going to send this. I just needed to type out my feelings, not that it would do anything to you anyway. You are and always have been a terrible mother. I wish more than anything that I could just get you to love me and stop blaming me for your misery, but I can’t force that on you. I wish you luck in the rest of your endeavors.

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