Day: January 3, 2021

Mom

Dear Mom,

You are a crazy narcissistic bitch. How dare you hurt my son, how dare you lie to me and manipulate me. How dare you take our hard-earned money and then by a crazy expensive chair that costs more than any piece of furniture in our house!

I fucking hate you. I hate all the games. I hate all of the bullshit. I hate all of it. I hate that it has 42 years and you still haven’t changed.

I made myself day for you- for you to love me. I lied for you, covered for you and let you near my son. My brilliance, yes, brilliance made you so crazy with jealousy that you had to tear me down and tear me apart.

You are subtle and masterful, I will give you that, but I am the real deal. Fuck you, mom.

I have all the shit you want, and I know it. You even want to fuck my husband, you sick bitch.

Right now, as I type this, I am pregnant with a little girl. I will not let you destroy her life, or my son’s, the way you destroyed mine.

You underestimate me. I no longer need you. I do not want you. It makes me angry that all of these people are dying of COVID and you are just fine. Go fuck yourself. All of those people deserve a fighting chance, and you, well, you deserve to be alone.

Also, fuck you for turning my sister into a mirror image of you. She was once a sweet little girl, who was just a little too insecure… And you manipulated the fuck out of her.

Fuck you, and I wish you would die.

Damn, I feel much better now.

New Years Eve

My kid just threw up all over her comforter.

A few days ago we returned from visiting my husband’s family in Idaho. The airports New departure rituals do nothing to prevent crowding together and every seat is full on our extremely early flights. In Idaho, though the company is kind and loving , and the home is beautiful and surrounded by great tall pines and perfect winter snows. When we go out I see a mixed bag of people in public establishments just unwilling to participate in mask safety precautions out in public and though I try my best to avoid bringing sickness into the home, here we are now.

The kid is sick, and I’m letting my lady friend know we’ll have to reschedule our hangout. Good then I cooked up that chicken noodle soup when we got back.

You hear about the guy who got cut in half and was found in two suitcases a few blocks away? My husband exclaims “what is this with this Mad Max shit all of a sudden!” As this was only one of many violence displays I’ve read about in returning.

Love is ridiculously hard

So I love someone, trouble is, that someone is not my partner.
And I have known for years I don’t love my partner, not how I should, I know that I should be happy when I see them, be pleased to be sat beside them, I should want to be with them, but for years I have known that yes I love them, like a best friend, like a family member-And we do have children.
But whilst for years I have just gone along, making them happy, I am not, and worse now, I want to be with someone else. Someone I think likes me too. I see a life there, one I would be happy with, but I am weak. How can I hurt the one I am with?
So my thoughts are this, first find out about the other person, if they do feel for me what I feel for them, not rush into anything, we have known each other months now, and still it is electric, we love being around each other, share interests, share the same humour, music, books, even movies.
We have shared secrets, what we have not shared is sex. Nor will we, for numerous reasons, if we were together of course yes, but my thought is, find out if the depth of emotion in me, is shared, spend more time to really learn more, be around each other and decide, do these feelings hold.
Now, if they say they like me but not that way, or not enough for a relationship, fine, move on remain just friends.
But, if they do want to be with me too, then what?
I can’t seriously destroy someone can I, but on the other hand, do I want to watch this other person accept we never will be, then go on to be with someone else and worse, as I work with them, have to see and hear about it, and know I could have been that person?
I am angry, angry at my own weakness, I should long ago have pulled off the band aid, said, we are not right, I can’t do it.
Am I so horrid that I want to love someone I do love properly and be loved by them, to build a life, be married to them?
But I feel so awful, to even think of leaving who I am with, to hurt them, yet this rages inside me, I cannot feel good, every day I want to come home to someone else, but I care for my partner so much that it sets an internal war going I don’t know how to move forward.
And yes, I think of the children, but they could manage, we are neither of us the type to hurt the other with using them, besides which, even if this other person doesn’t want me, should I now face up to life as it is, rip us apart and then at least be able to be with another person, or no one if that is fates path, but not feeling wrong every day?