Month: December 2020

When I met you I felt happiness, that happiness went on for three months.
We were so so happy.
We would talk about how we wished we were together and not miles apart.
We would have I love you more arguments… you won each one.. but in reality, it was rigged.
When I thought of you back then, I would think damn I love him. Now when I think of you even after you hurt my heart.. I still think damn I love him.
We were happy. Now the only one who is happy is you… without me.
Sitting under my covers crying with no motivation every day for 8 whole months sucks.
You said you broke up with me cause you changed.. the day before you said you couldn’t wait to marry me.. s0 ur telling me you changed that fast.. or was it all just a lie.

You come back every once in a while and act like how we used to be and get my hopes up.. then you say “V.. no I don’t have any feelings for you.”… but you said you missed me.. then you leave me on delivered for weeks and all that’s going through my head is… does he miss me or will I always be another girl?

I am so angry and have been for quite some time. I honestly cannot figure out how far back, but I am angry, very, very, very, angry. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. My life isn’t what I want it to be right now. I am grateful for what I do have, but I am not okay. I had to end my therapy sessions because I didn’t appreciate how my therapist spoke to me or felt the need to talk about her issues during my sessions after I was paying for my time. She felt that after three sessions of getting to know me that I wasn’t being honest. Everything I do is honest, and I am extremely, extremely transparent. Nevertheless, I had to end that relationship.

Speaking of relationships, I am in one that I am not happy about. I don’t want to be with him anymore but I also don’t want to be alone. I am fully aware of my selfish behavior, but I just don’t know what else to do. I am tired of not having friends, not being in a healthy and loving relationship. I am not happy that I didn’t end up with the person I wanted to end up with and I am tired

I also feel like I am doing everything alone. I am trying to figure out my next steps in terms of housing, debt payoff, and my future. I have been taking care of myself and other’s needs ahead of my own. Now that I have pretty much stopped, I am now considered selfish. Who takes care of me when I am in need? NO ONE, and I AM TIRED.

does reciprocated silence feel?

I didn’t feel enough. I’d always compare myself to others, wishing I could be someone else. I‘d stand next to others who would receive compliments while I never got any. I wouldn’t have cared who it came from, it just would’ve been nice to hear how much someone appreciated me back then because I always kept wondering what was wrong with me. Maybe it would have opened my eyes sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have messed up my opportunity to be with you.

I’ll at least have that memory of the club owner complimenting me on my presence there and handing me a flier for the next event. Another nearby waify dancer who’d been nearby the whole night was offended she did not have as warmly regarded interaction leaving and cast her evil eye and horns back my way and toward the club.

I also had a grand time at the Valentines burlesque freakshow, enjoyed the sights and had a number of solid ladies nights with gal pals. I appreciated the variously themed rooms in the club and broad array of tunes, suprised to hear The Knife there on a number of occassions . I encountered a number of interestingly dressed people I enjoyed sharing the dance room with who complimented me on my choice of dress and sweet moves.

The Church nightclub is a different story , while I appreciated the architectural aesthetic on the husk of a cathedral type church in the heart of downtown Denver the company we would run into seemed a shade more dangerous.

Oh I told you about the warehouse rave right? Another time then.

a song that gave me a hand hold in my teens.

There is so much that I am thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving (turkey emoji)