Thinking of you

Hi Kg

It’s been a very long time, but I hope you are okay. I heard your Mum passed away recently and I thought of getting in touch, but it must have been at least 6 years since we last spoke and me getting in touch at such a sensitive time might not have been useful.
I do think of you often and, although you’ll never know it, I sometimes wish I could jump back in time to spend some time with you again. You’re probably the only person who ever truly liked me for me, and I treated you pretty badly. I’m sorry.

We were both really young at the time, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life. I was young, selfish and confused, and wanted to get away and stand on my own two feet and grow up. If I’d stayed around, I don’t know how I would’ve ended up. Not in a good place I imagine, although that would’ve been no fault of yours.
I have grown up now though, and so have you. We’ve both got our own families, and I hope yours is doing well.

I just want you to know that I think you are great. Really great. You have a beautiful heart, your funny, kind and understanding.

I would love to spend the day with you, catching up, going for a drink, and just learning how you are. I hope you would too, but there is no way we could arrange that without upsetting those closest to us, so it’s sadly never likely to happen.

If I do ever bump into you and we’re with partners it’s going to be awkward, let’s face it. But I hope one day well get the chance to catch up properly again.

I have only fond memories and respect for you, and I hope you know that. Sorry for all the times I hurt you want to you for granted. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to right those wrongs one day.

Take care

The universe and it’s games

I feel like such a fuck up. A total failure. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. When will it stop? When will the universe cut me some slack, instead of ripping the carpet out from me and laughing in my fucking face every time.

I think I am really attractive physically; I feel the need to say that to the readers so people can know that I do have a pretty good self esteem over all. I was laid off this year due to COVID-19, but I’m in grad school full time for clinical counseling and I am extremely good at practicing therapy. It’s my niche.

So tell me why, dear fucking universe, you have allowed me to experience so much pain. Rejection after mishap after rejection after mishap after rejection and so on and so on. It’s never ending. I pray, I learn, I am resilient, I practice meditation, I am mindful, sweet, dedicate my time toward helping others in any way I can, I love big, I persevere, yet… I can’t ever catch a fucking break. I’m tired.

I finally met a good man (my brother’s roommate/best friend) anddd he ended it because my brother was upset over it. He stopped answering my texts and I just don’t get it. People come in an out of our lives for a purpose and a lesson, but, I am so sick of people walking away and never being the one that gets chosen.

Maybe I just need to be a stone cold bitch in order for things to finally happen, because up until now I have gotten nowhere. At what point does becoming stubborn, mean, or rude outweigh kindness?? It makes no sense. Nice people finish last, but I am tired of being last.

Everything is okay

I know life isn’t easy right now, but we have a lot to be thankful for. We still have jobs, we have two wonderful children, and we have so much of our lives ahead of us. I’m sorry that you feel underappreciated, and I know I can do better, but work is stressful at the moment, and I can’t switch off sometimes.

There has been a lot of change recently, and a lot of responsibility has fallen on my shoulders. I don’t want to care so much about work, but I have to. Other people depend on me there, and if I do a bad job and lose mine, we won’t be able to pay our bills.

I will try to shut off from work, and spend more time with you and the children mentally and physically, and if I need to get a less demanding job, then so be it.

Please believe me when I say that I really don’t want to have to focus on work this much. I only go to work for you and the children, so perhaps I need to find a better work-life balance. I’m sorry for not being there as much as I should. I love you x

Backed into a corner…

I wasn’t surprised to not get an answer back from you. Actually, I got exactly what I had expected. Ignored as usual. What was surprisingly entertaining to me though is that I told you how I felt about that along with all of everything else. To be honest, I thought that I might still get angry about it and let you get under my skin over it and that scared me. It scared me because then you could purposely push me, harassing me with all your ugliness towards me, purposely making the argument worse and worse even though I repeatedly ask to be left alone. You wont though and you never do. You take pride in the fact that you outright refuse to leave me alone when I scream at you to leave me alone, begging you to leave me alone until it overwhelms me and I can’t even catch my breath because you WANT me to get up and hit you so that you can cry victim. You back me into a corner and verbally abuse me, assaulting me with all of your “love” for me, degrading me and calling me names while you continuously bring up things from the past that you cant stop emotionally and mentally beating me up for…. and I am supposed to be okay with just sitting there and allowing you to verbally abuse me on a mental and emotional abuse level? How am I ever going to learn from my mistakes and move on from them if you cant shut the fuck up about them especially when you cant even acknowledge and admit your own? Ultimately? Fuck you. You’re a piece of shit and I will ALWAYS be a better person than you.

How To Fight My Mind

I usually post some cryptic short story or a poem that only I’d understand on LINS. It’s easier that way because I can still hide behind the idea of misconceptions. Now I can’t. I fight my mind every day to remind myself that what I have is good. Like so many people, I have anxiety, OCD, and depression. The trinity of being controlled by your own mind. You see I was doing good. So good my doctor and I decided to take me of my meds. Maybe I could really get better at not controlling it but finding away to live with it. Things are great. That’s something right there. If I type that out I have to fight to believe that typing it won’t make it become untrue. It is crazy… maybe I’m crazy. Still it’s something that scares me. I put a system to everything and if I can’t get that VERY specific system correct then my world might implode or so I tell myself. I fail to complete my systems over and over to the point where I breakdown. I scream and want to cry, out of fear that screwing up the most mediocre of tasks will cause me to loose everything. There are words I try to say. Sayings that’s I say out loud to combat these systems and to convince myself that I won’t loose what and who I love most. (Typing that was something I feared like I mentioned earlier. Just referencing the idea of losing my love scares me.) The problem is these sayings become systems themselves. Negating the whole point. I try more and more things but in my head my life is not safe unless she’s there. If she’s talking to me or she’s just there spending time with me… then I have no fear. That’s not fair. It’s not fair to her to be the only thing that can save me from myself. I need to be able to save me. Soon I’ll be going back to the doctors and I’m going to tell him that I’m not doing too hot. Hopefully we can get my meds back or find another way to help me with my mind. Till then I have to fight myself and my fear to make sure that the fear itself doesn’t become reality. I’m not sure why I’m typing this. I think it’s to reach out to others who feel just as trapped as I do sometimes. I think I just don’t want to be alone in my head and that if I know others are feeling like I do then we have hope that we will make it through.