I usually post some cryptic short story or a poem that only I’d understand on LINS. It’s easier that way because I can still hide behind the idea of misconceptions. Now I can’t. I fight my mind every day to remind myself that what I have is good. Like so many people, I have anxiety, OCD, and depression. The trinity of being controlled by your own mind. You see I was doing good. So good my doctor and I decided to take me of my meds. Maybe I could really get better at not controlling it but finding away to live with it. Things are great. That’s something right there. If I type that out I have to fight to believe that typing it won’t make it become untrue. It is crazy… maybe I’m crazy. Still it’s something that scares me. I put a system to everything and if I can’t get that VERY specific system correct then my world might implode or so I tell myself. I fail to complete my systems over and over to the point where I breakdown. I scream and want to cry, out of fear that screwing up the most mediocre of tasks will cause me to loose everything. There are words I try to say. Sayings that’s I say out loud to combat these systems and to convince myself that I won’t loose what and who I love most. (Typing that was something I feared like I mentioned earlier. Just referencing the idea of losing my love scares me.) The problem is these sayings become systems themselves. Negating the whole point. I try more and more things but in my head my life is not safe unless she’s there. If she’s talking to me or she’s just there spending time with me… then I have no fear. That’s not fair. It’s not fair to her to be the only thing that can save me from myself. I need to be able to save me. Soon I’ll be going back to the doctors and I’m going to tell him that I’m not doing too hot. Hopefully we can get my meds back or find another way to help me with my mind. Till then I have to fight myself and my fear to make sure that the fear itself doesn’t become reality. I’m not sure why I’m typing this. I think it’s to reach out to others who feel just as trapped as I do sometimes. I think I just don’t want to be alone in my head and that if I know others are feeling like I do then we have hope that we will make it through.