Back Again

It’s been a long time. I was scared when I found out you were gone. But I pushed forward and on a whim I looked for you again. Now I’m back when I needed you most. I lived my life bowing to other people. I couldn’t be my own because I found myself most comfortable when I was in pain. Now I’m here and she makes me happy. It’s just like before. It was too fast. She’s focused on her self but she says she’s mine. I have no reason to not trust her… I’m in my own head again. I guess that’s why I wanted you back. A place to speak my mind and ask for help. Because when I hear her voice, my world is perfect. My world is her. But when she’s away, I doubt myself. I hate myself for not being enough. I have many regrets. Many storms I’ve abandoned. Many friends I pushed away. People I dragged through the dirt from forever away and then lost love for. Family that says they’d welcome me out there but are just as broken as it is here. I hate this town and these people… that’s what I say atleast. Honestly I just hate me. If I’m sad, she’s depressed that she hurt me. I console her as I cry to myself. I’m loosing it. But I’m back now. At this place that saved and scared me so long ago. Right when I needed you most. So tell me… where do I go from here? Do I run away from this place that I’m drowning in, run to a girl who says she loves me? Or do I stay in this place that has a career and safety, but makes me wonder if I’m truly worth anything? Or will I be haunted by those I’ve hurt, that I’ve abandoned, and my scared past, where ever I go…


I miss you

I miss you.

I feel you’re here, comments, some posts but I guess that’s just part of me missing you.

If it was valid there’d be real life communication, but there’s not.

How do we undo the damage that’s been done? I think of this sometimes, so many memories, so many years and years that have passed since I last saw you, since we were whatever we were.

I made so many mistakes, we both did but now in reality it only really matters if the connection is real, and I haven’t heard from you in reality so I have to just keep going, trying to go forward and accept things as they are.

I’m looking for a sign, but it has to be real.

For my bit I’m sorry it all got so out of hand. It should have killed the love and longing for you really, yet it hasn’t.

To Stephen Tyrone Colbert

To Stephen Tyrone Colbert.

Hi, I type this to tell you anonymously that I have the biggest crush on you. I have had a crush on you for two years now.

I have a crush on you because (and these reasons are in no particular order) you are brilliant, you can talk circles around most people with your knowledge of politics, Catholicism, and of course The Lord Of The Rings. You are hilarious, even when I am in my deepest darkest depression your humor always makes me laugh and cheers me up. Also, I have a crush on you because you are (in my opinion) the sexiest hottest man on the face of the planet.

So, that’s it that’s all I wanted to say anonymously is that I have a huge crush on you and I just want to thank you for sharing your humor with the world. GOD bless you, Stephen Colbert.

Your biggest fan in Toronto Canada

Bye for good

I wish we never met. I would have have been perfectly okay with that. To not have known and explored this deep passion left unreciprocated. I blame myself this time. I already knew but I still treaded on in your vast sea of indecision and baiting every time it was convenient for you.

I think of you every day. Every time a book or film picks my interest, every time the news reads politicians’ incompetence, every time clowns in the debating community reveal themselves as such.

I am itching to talk to you but I can’t. If I know any better, I will not. Not with the knowledge that I only serve as a temporary distraction when your boyfriend’s not around. Or when he’s just too elementary to talk to you about Camus or Gerwig’s work or Khaled Hosseini’s books.

It’s just…oh babe, I’m sorry I’m too selfish to wish you happiness right now. Please don’t expect me to be around anymore. I am only human. If you only know how you’ve shattered me to such little pieces. As a final act of self-preservation, I am finally committing myself to erasing you in my life. I don’t want to drive myself to another drinking problem again when I worked so hard to be out of the rabbit hole I was once in.

So I guess this is goodbye babe.

There’s nothing easy about this

I’ve never felt so wholly or completely loved by anyone else. You see so much of who I am and inspire to me to be better. You are the best person I know, absolutely. You’re generous with your time and energy, you lift people up, you value yourself and remind people of their own worth. Watching you from across the room….it’s so fun to see you light people up with your attention. I love you and would always be by your side if we had found each other first.