Month: September 2020

to a v,

I heard something the other day along the lines of ‘the lonely know themselves best’. And that resonated with me because I fully understand how all that time to yourself forces you to focus inward. Why do literally all my relationships fail? Even with my family? Its gotta be me right? Ordinary people don’t ask themselves those types of questions. Ordinary people don’t ever question how they themselves may in fact be probably part of any particular problem they encounter. They just live, for themselves, at all times. Life is short, who could blame them?

Extraordinary people, on the other hand, are willing to be strong when no one else will care. Integrity: doing the right thing even when no one is looking. Its easy to work out a lot and build muscles and show off how strong you are. Its easy to bully your social subordinates, solidifying status among your peers by showing how much ‘stronger’ you are. Its easy to only stand for that which is socially acceptable to stand for. But like Hamilton told Burr, “If you stand for nothing” then “what will you fall for.” True strength comes from that which doesn’t provide any extrinsic benefit. I don’t sacrifice my principles to ‘prove loyalty’. I don’t pay all my debts so I can brag about it like a Lannister. I don’t stand up for the bullied so I can be exalted like the bully sought themself. Being honorable, treating others with respect, doing the right thing, these actions make me proud of myself as much as any achievement I’ve ever earned, regardless of any recognition from others. I’d like to think you understand that, but I doubt it. Doesn’t seem like anyone does. The “loudest wears the fattest crown”.

Strength, based upon any definition, is based upon confidence, no? If you asked yourself about anyone you yusually perceive to be weak, low confidence would surely be a characteristic trait. And yet you think I’m weak, you think I have no confidence, I know you do. You couldn’t be further from the truth. You could give me a 12 pack and a couple bowl packs and I’d still be smarter than anyone you know. You could hit me, but I’ve been hit before. How can a good cross hurt when you’ve seen someone wither from cancer? That’s real pain. You could yell at me for hours but I’ve been there done that too. My toughness and confidence comes from the fact I don’t need any validation; I know better than anyone what I am capable of in all regards.

You need to fill your bed at night? Need to not feel so alone? You’re talking to the wrong person. Yeah I’ve been teased about being single, can’t get action yada yada yada. If you were hungry and I told you I’d make you any soup you want, would you ask for borscht or matzo, or ‘anything Campbells’? You can get chicken noodle anywhere. But make no mistake, every person you have sex with, I want you less.

a real man

For 6 years you gave your love to someone else and shared your nightmares with me.

My oh my, how the tables have turned honey. Mom showed me your post from yesterday. You provided an update on your situation. I know I shouldn’t be elated but I guess that’s what happens when you begin breaking hearts to marry that whale. However, I feel for you bc I know this is having a deep effect on you and your children. I really do hope y’all come up with an amicable solution for the sake of the kids. But bro, I told you she wasn’t for you. But you ain’t want me. God forgive me but I need to know what happened. Funny enough that I have been having dreams with you after not thinking of you for quite some time. I was getting these signs.

Nevertheless, I still think you’re my soulmate and that we will end up together but you and I have to get our shit together. I really am aiming for two years. Year 30, let’s get it.

I need to chill bc y’all could end up back together but idk this time.

I realize you can’t handle my intensity. You think you want it, but you’re scared of what it’ll feel like when it overwhelms you. Save yourself before it lights a fire inside of you that brings you to your knees.

Dear J,

You asked me a couple weeks ago if I still believed that one day we would end up together. I told you that I did not believe that any longer.

But I lied. I guess I thought that making me say that aloud would make me believe it, that I didn’t believe in us anymore. But the truth is, you are still the only person I imagine my life with. I have been seeing a few different people. Some I really liked and was smitten by. But at the end of the day, I still envision you. I made a promise to myself that I would stop believing you when you would say things like “I want to see you more, lets hang out more again” and “you’re my person” “I still love you,” etc. I know you mean well and I think you truly mean those things at the time but theres just something that makes you keep running away and for my own good, I’m going to just stop believing you. It’s not fair to me. I need to at least try to move on. I have already begun imagining my life without you. Possibly with someone else, or just on my own. I have goals and a lot I want with my life and I don’t need to end up with anyone even if I’d like to. But even after all of that, I still see you. I see you after you have figured your shit out. I see you remembering that we are meant to be. I see you loving me and our little girl. It’s probably not healthy–which is why I’m changing my perspective–but some days, my gut just won’t shut up about you. When I meditate and I’m completely not thinking of you, you somehow still pop up. Maybe this is just my brain and emotions messing with me and returning to old patterns. But maybe its not. Maybe we will end up together. So yes, I lied. I do still think that we will. I hope that you do too.

With my love always,
Jos

Hey,

It’s your birthday today. It’s been almost two years since we broke up and you’re happy with your partner and I’m happy with mine but there’s still something in me that makes me miss you. Maybe it’s because you’re the first person that I saw forever with and then you left me with a hole in my heart and even though I’ve moved on, it hurts when the wind blows through just right.

I feel wrong for even feeling this way. I’m engaged to someone else. You’re with someone else. I’ve moved on. I’m in love again to someone who can give me things that you couldn’t. You’re in love with someone else that can give you things that I couldn’t. But I woke up and pulled on the Warp Tour t-shirt you gave me and suddenly all those suppressed feelings came up. And now, I’m on this website before hopping onto a zoom lecture trying to understand why things are the way they are.

There are times where I wonder why. Why I dated you. Why I let myself love you. And then I think of the year 2018 and I think about how I couldn’t have gone through any of that alone. I begin to think that maybe that’s why you came into my life. That’s why I was so willing to lose your sister-in-law as a friend to flirt with you at her and your brother’s wedding. It’s not just that I think I couldn’t have gotten through it alone, I don’t think I would’ve wanted to. My fiancée makes fun of me sometimes because there is such an age difference between us, but that never mattered to me. It still doesn’t. I’d go back and relive every good and bad moment.

When we were in the midst of the initial break-up, you said something to me: you said, “if you really love me like you say you do, you’d let me go. You’d let me be happy.” I can’t ever say that I’m going to stop loving you, so I hope you’re happy now. I hope you’re in a better place now.

Happy 21st birthday, I hope it’s great.

Love,
Your first ex-partner