Gone Daddy Gone Girl

You are gone, at least the way I knew you.
You are dead.
You are gone.
You lifted my spirit higher than its ever been before.
then you left and abandonded me,
much like the little girl i was back when i was a little girl.
when my mom left and didnt come back for year.
Is that why, then,
that i keep imagining that there will come a time,
in the future,
a time when you will come back
and you will be there.
at last
forever more
make it right
do it right
be good to me
once again
and hopefulyl never change
never go away again.
is this a flashback
is this right

i think that make ssome sense, there, but
i never thought of it in that way
until just now.
but it seems to be making some kind of sense
inner reflection.
something you can never do.
not for yourself
or anyone else
and that is to your very own detriment,
my friend.
because you are the only one you ar ehurting my holding in the hurt
the pain you feel is descending therough your body
like blood in your veins
it fills you
in every way
and alqays
and it never will, stop
and i feel for you,
i do.
i think you do know that muich.
but i akso know
that feeling for you does nothing
and will never mean anything,
to you.
so whats the point?
i cant help how i feel.
but i CAN help how i think
how i process and how i deal.
how i cope
its a tough road ahead
the past has been
and its not over yet.
not until
not until i can look at myself with the same glow i did before
when you lifted me so high
i can never see myself that way againsince tyouve gone away
and i hate you for it,
as i hate you,
for so many
so many, many other things, related
this incident struck me and stopped me in my tracks
and you just sit where you sit
and you just be you and moe on and
act like i was
nothing at all.
that is exactly
exactly how i feeel.
and i swear to God that I love you but i also just want to punch to square in the mouth.
and i hate myself.
i want to blame you for so many things,
i know it isnt right,
but i want to put it on you
maybe because i feel if i do that,
if i out it all on you,
then somehow
you can take it all away.
mayve one day
if you ever become self aware
maybe you can understand what you have done
what you have
done to me
by coming and going
by taking me on a hot air balloon ride and then dropping me off at THE HIGHEST POINT IN THE ADVENTURE.
ALL BECAUSE i was alive at one point
and now im dead
and you dont want to have anything to do with it.
you want to walk away as if i never existed .
but you made me who i was when iwa swith you
and then you took that babygirl with you
when you left
and now its just me
missing you
missing me
missing it
missing that.
and thats okay
because it doesnt make any difference anyway
im sorry you are who you are
but i am also so happy yu are who you are
or were who you were,
but now youre not that man and im devastated
abnd you cant come back and revive the art of me that is gone
but you wouldnt even if you could
you can
you wont
the sad oart is
i would let you
at least at this poit in the journey
i still
i still feel i would
i would let you
i would let you try
and i hope one day taht you do
i hope the day comes before one of us dies
iu hope you love me again one day
i hope forever
i will not feel this way
so dissarray
so full of dismay
i sit here
and cry
and i still wonder why
and i need to know
but you wont et me go
and i cant ever grow
because only you know
and it dfoesnt kill you
pr slowly
or at all.
not at all.
and im sorry i am who i am
that i am not more worthy of that
thatkind of love you once gave to me
i am sad
so sad
i am saddneded
and broken
and gone from who i was before
i am sorry.
i want you to be here
and make e feel
so happy again.
but i know tht will never happen
but i still hope that it will
that you will come back
and make it eright
like my mom did
and im sorry
because it is so
pathetic thast i am sorry.
that you hurt me this way.
that you left
right when i needed you most
and you promised youd stay
that you were on my side and
you wanted to be there every day
in every way
i was the light of your day
you said you wanted it all
all of me
all of it
this life
do it right
with a smile
and im a fool
i am a fool.
im sorry taht i am
forgiving myself NOW.

Not so difficult

send me flowers to the door — I love flowers and their scent
a letter, a note, a card in the mail — I love handwritten sentiments
ring the bell on my door — I love surprise visits
wait for me outside my office — I love the idea because nobody has ever done this
call my cell and say something — I would love to hear your voice

something – little things so very big
a single first step showing you really care

.. I may be reluctant to believe you

but what we have, always had, is bigger then fear

trust that!
.. just like I do.

nothing else matters

Will you let me?

Dear D,

You know what I want? I want the type of relationship where we can talk about anything, literally anything without needing a reason for it. I want to be able to tell you you’re beautiful when you believe you are at your worst. I want to be able to tell you you’re amazing when you’re feeling down. I want to be able to tell you that I love you on a whim. All this, without needing a reason. I just want to tell you all these things and more because I want to and I want that to be reason enough. Would you be willing, when the time comes, to let me say these things to you?

With love,

Hey Love

It’s been over 10 years since you died. I still tear up when I think of all the fun times we had. I still see your face perfectly when I close my eyes. You were home for me. God I miss you. Life hasn’t been the same and I definitely am not either.

I am having surgery in October and tbh the only thought that calms my nerves is knowing that if things go wrong I will be able to see you again.

I miss you Ryan!


forbidden, inevitable (in another life)

i’ve always told my sister i’d do anything for her. i know what i need to do now.

i’ll bring her my smiles and laughter, saving my heartbreak and tears for another time when she can’t sense my pain. i’ll keep my eyes locked with hers, listening to her every word of every story, doing everything i can to avoid shifting my gaze to meet his and getting lost in another daydream.

she loves him with her entire heart and my heart is getting out of control. i owe it to her to process these feelings alone. i owe it to her to lie and say everything is fine, and of course i’d love to come over for dinner, and of course i will be in her wedding, and of course one day i’ll be the best aunt to her baby. there’s no one else she trusts more than me. of course i’d never hurt her.

i have to let it go.

i’ll sit with the guilt i feel when i think he deserves more, and rinse myself clean of the feeling that he’d be happier with me. i’ll bite my tongue when she criticizes the parts of him that i know so intimately – the ones i’ve known and loved since before he and i even met. i’ll never tell her how many times i’ve wanted to be alone with him when she’s in the room, or how quickly i fell for all the parts of him she can’t stand. i’ll help her see that those sides of him are worth loving; i’ll never let her know that i loved them first.

i’ll be his friend, just like always. i’ll make dinner with him and drink on the patio and play cards until morning for as long as i live. i’ll never hold his hand, or stare at his lips for too long, or crawl over to the driver’s side and give him the love we’ve both been craving for so many years. i’ll go on dates and fuck other people until someone makes me feel even close to the way he does – so loved, so appreciated, and so deeply understood. i won’t think about how i could give him everything he says his life is missing. i’ll give up the fantasies and the photos and the memories and leave a hole in the pit of my heart and my stomach if it means she will be happy forever. i’ll never tell him what i’m thinking, even if he asks. and i know he will always ask.

i hope he never finds out. i hope she never finds out. maybe there’s a universe in which i’m happy and he and i are together, but i’ll do everything i can to let that feeling go so she can be happy in this one.

Wonder Woman

What’s the happiest you’ve ever been? For me it was on a beach on the Red Sea. Blue seas as far as the eye could see. I swam out to meet the dolphins, but they were too fast to catch. But I didn’t mind, they were so free I don’t know what I’d do if I caught up to one. Maybe just say hi. They were so majestic. That day was the happiest I had ever been. And then my mom died. And I realized there were so many times with her that far surpassed my time with the dolphins.

There is nothing in this world more beautiful than a mother’s love for her child. If you want to find a reason to believe in God, just watch NatGeo for a little and see how regardless of species, pretty much every mother is programmed to love their children. You could be a little baby bear, or a little baby lion, or a little baby human, completely defenseless, and your mom is gonna take care of you. No matter what. That’s a real superhero.

She was diagnosed with cancer a month or two before I met you. If I had any spine I would’ve flown home and taken care of her immediately. But I didn’t. That’s on me, forever. The only person who has ever taken my side always and loved me unconditionally, she was dying, but I was too busy smoking pot and playing video games. ‘Hey Mom, good luck with the advanced breast cancer, I’ll see you at Christmas. Yeah, ham would be better than turkey.’

As she crumbled, physically and mentally, she never asked me for anything once. She wanted me to be happy and successful. And she was so proud of me. I didn’t deserve that. I was the only person in the entire world that could’ve saved her, but I was too focused on me. I failed her undying love for me over and over again, not just at the end, but throughout my entire life. Now I never get to see her again, when what I want more than anything is to see her one more time to tell her how sorry I am. Saying it to her unconscious body wasn’t good enough. She deserved so much better. Hopefully, I’ll get to see her in Heaven someday.

No matter what I do for the rest of my life, I let my Mom die miserable and alone. I’m a piece of shit, no matter what. That’s a mistake I can never amend, I just have to try to life with. The only thing I can do is try to honor her legacy by being as good as I can to show what an amazing Mom she was and how instrumental she was in my life. I’m doing real good at that, don’t you think? And yet she’ll still be proud, somehow.

How Original

Extreme daddy issues. Refusal to open up or expose any vulnerability whatsoever. Won’t respond positively to anything other than neglect and abuse because of conditioning. Feels no need to give anything of themself because of the hurt inflicted by others in the past. Enjoys inflicting pain.
Cannot conceptualize how anyone would feel aggrieved by their actions, no matter how mean-spirited or self-consumed. No capacity for empathy for others, because no one offered any when it was needed the most. Craves attention and recognition from strangers because never got it at home as a child. Therefore everything must be a public spectacle. Embraces alternative lifestyles to create an aura of specialness; won’t believe anyone who just thinks they’re naturally special. Thinks showing respect is a sign of weakness while manipulation is a form of strength. Thinks any genuine gesture of love or affection is fraudulent; while mistaking blatant fakeness for authenticity. Thinks anyone who wouldn’t constantly exploit all of the painfully obvious aforementioned to their advantage is a loser because thats all you know. I’d feel bad for you if I didn’t think you’d hold that against me too. So tough.


hey.. i honestly wish you had told me sooner that you liked me. i don’t even know why i wish that so much, especially considering the fact that i was in a situation-ship at the time.. perhaps it’s because i used to have a small thing for you, before i met the other guy. you’re sweet, fun, and overall a great person to be around. i don’t know what more to say, especially knowing that you’re never going to see this, but you literally shocked me so much that i can barely think straight.