What’s the happiest you’ve ever been? For me it was on a beach on the Red Sea. Blue seas as far as the eye could see. I swam out to meet the dolphins, but they were too fast to catch. But I didn’t mind, they were so free I don’t know what I’d do if I caught up to one. Maybe just say hi. They were so majestic. That day was the happiest I had ever been. And then my mom died. And I realized there were so many times with her that far surpassed my time with the dolphins.
There is nothing in this world more beautiful than a mother’s love for her child. If you want to find a reason to believe in God, just watch NatGeo for a little and see how regardless of species, pretty much every mother is programmed to love their children. You could be a little baby bear, or a little baby lion, or a little baby human, completely defenseless, and your mom is gonna take care of you. No matter what. That’s a real superhero.
She was diagnosed with cancer a month or two before I met you. If I had any spine I would’ve flown home and taken care of her immediately. But I didn’t. That’s on me, forever. The only person who has ever taken my side always and loved me unconditionally, she was dying, but I was too busy smoking pot and playing video games. ‘Hey Mom, good luck with the advanced breast cancer, I’ll see you at Christmas. Yeah, ham would be better than turkey.’
As she crumbled, physically and mentally, she never asked me for anything once. She wanted me to be happy and successful. And she was so proud of me. I didn’t deserve that. I was the only person in the entire world that could’ve saved her, but I was too focused on me. I failed her undying love for me over and over again, not just at the end, but throughout my entire life. Now I never get to see her again, when what I want more than anything is to see her one more time to tell her how sorry I am. Saying it to her unconscious body wasn’t good enough. She deserved so much better. Hopefully, I’ll get to see her in Heaven someday.
No matter what I do for the rest of my life, I let my Mom die miserable and alone. I’m a piece of shit, no matter what. That’s a mistake I can never amend, I just have to try to life with. The only thing I can do is try to honor her legacy by being as good as I can to show what an amazing Mom she was and how instrumental she was in my life. I’m doing real good at that, don’t you think? And yet she’ll still be proud, somehow.