Upon Reflection

to a v,

I heard something the other day along the lines of ‘the lonely know themselves best’. And that resonated with me because I fully understand how all that time to yourself forces you to focus inward. Why do literally all my relationships fail? Even with my family? Its gotta be me right? Ordinary people don’t ask themselves those types of questions. Ordinary people don’t ever question how they themselves may in fact be probably part of any particular problem they encounter. They just live, for themselves, at all times. Life is short, who could blame them?

Extraordinary people, on the other hand, are willing to be strong when no one else will care. Integrity: doing the right thing even when no one is looking. Its easy to work out a lot and build muscles and show off how strong you are. Its easy to bully your social subordinates, solidifying status among your peers by showing how much ‘stronger’ you are. Its easy to only stand for that which is socially acceptable to stand for. But like Hamilton told Burr, “If you stand for nothing” then “what will you fall for.” True strength comes from that which doesn’t provide any extrinsic benefit. I don’t sacrifice my principles to ‘prove loyalty’. I don’t pay all my debts so I can brag about it like a Lannister. I don’t stand up for the bullied so I can be exalted like the bully sought themself. Being honorable, treating others with respect, doing the right thing, these actions make me proud of myself as much as any achievement I’ve ever earned, regardless of any recognition from others. I’d like to think you understand that, but I doubt it. Doesn’t seem like anyone does. The “loudest wears the fattest crown”.

Strength, based upon any definition, is based upon confidence, no? If you asked yourself about anyone you yusually perceive to be weak, low confidence would surely be a characteristic trait. And yet you think I’m weak, you think I have no confidence, I know you do. You couldn’t be further from the truth. You could give me a 12 pack and a couple bowl packs and I’d still be smarter than anyone you know. You could hit me, but I’ve been hit before. How can a good cross hurt when you’ve seen someone wither from cancer? That’s real pain. You could yell at me for hours but I’ve been there done that too. My toughness and confidence comes from the fact I don’t need any validation; I know better than anyone what I am capable of in all regards.

You need to fill your bed at night? Need to not feel so alone? You’re talking to the wrong person. Yeah I’ve been teased about being single, can’t get action yada yada yada. If you were hungry and I told you I’d make you any soup you want, would you ask for borscht or matzo, or ‘anything Campbells’? You can get chicken noodle anywhere. But make no mistake, every person you have sex with, I want you less.

a real man

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