whats inside

dear dad,
As im sitting here writing this, im listening to the song Drowning by Chris Young. You have no idea the pain im feeling through my chest. How bad my chest feels like it cant keep air, how foggy and tear filled my eyes are, how I feel so sad. Saturday will be two years since you died. I cant help having flashbacks of that day. All the little details I shouldnt have to remember. Things a daughter should never have to go through. Youll never understand how hard it was, I knew everything to tell the operator, I knew it all. Why did they take so long? Why couldnt they help you? Im so sorry i let you down. I never knew i would be waking up to you being gone. How could I sleep through that? Why didnt I hug you a little tighter? Did I even say I love you back? I felt so hopeless. I couldnt save you, I couldnt do anything. I think that was the day my heart truly broke. I was so afraid of showing you I cared about you that I made us both miss out on so much. I had points where I wished mom would have gave up on yalls relationship because it would have been easier that way. I didnt know how much I was missing out on. I miss you, I miss the endless nights of just eating sandwiches and chips because it was easier than cooking. or the days of you getting fed up with me sleeping on the couch, even though it was because I didnt want to admit my room scared me. Why did I fight you just hours before? Why was I so difficult? Why did I not know I was about to lose you? what is wrong with me. How could I of been so dumb. crying at the hospital I didnt want to leave you, id of rather had someone drag me out of their than me having to choose to leave you, even though it wasnt you at all.

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