Hello Again…

Hello again…

Hi TJ,
It has been a long time since I wrote about you on this site. However, you will never know that I write about you on this site.

Today things were different because I thought of you. I know you currently are in your situation and I shouldn’t be thinking of you nor have these feelings I have for you. However, today things were different because I was thinking of you. I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but that’s how I feel.

I miss you so much. You have no idea. I wish I could pick up the phone and either call or text you. I wish we could email each other and have deep and interesting conversations like we use to. Maybe yet, I wish you would reach out to me and make successful contact. I miss you so much.

I know I am wrong for feeling this way given your current circumstance, but I can’t help it and I hope you are well. I hope your family is well also.

Sometimes, I wonder if you think of me? Do you?

I wish I could talk to you and hear your voice. However, I am not ready yet. I am not myself and I am not all the way together. I guess I have to listen to that familiar voice that told me that I am not ready yet.


Hey. I know this email is very unexpected. I mean, we haven’t talked since drill comp and even that was a very brief conversation. To be honest, I really don’t know why I’m even writing you this email. I wasn’t really planning on reaching out to you for a long while if ever, but here I am. I’m going to be honest, I miss you. I miss you a whole lot. I miss our stupid conversations, I miss knowing you were there for me, and I miss us. But I also know that I could never actually deal with having any sort of relationship with you, at least not right now. Because quite honestly, and I don’t mean this personally, our relationship was bad. And it’s not your fault. I don’t blame any of it on you. But I should’ve realized that you needed more time. I mean, you were fresh out of a pretty long term relationship and I knew that so I also should’ve known that you needed time more than you needed another relationship. And I know that you say I wasn’t but if you take a step back and look at it, I really was a rebound. Again, not your fault, I should’ve seen it a lot earlier than I did. I unfollowed you on everything today. Not because of you, but because of me. I need to heal. I need to stop obsessing over your location on snap maps or your story updates and the only way to do that is to unfollow you. I’m sorry. Maybe one day we can be friends again.

whats inside

dear dad,
As im sitting here writing this, im listening to the song Drowning by Chris Young. You have no idea the pain im feeling through my chest. How bad my chest feels like it cant keep air, how foggy and tear filled my eyes are, how I feel so sad. Saturday will be two years since you died. I cant help having flashbacks of that day. All the little details I shouldnt have to remember. Things a daughter should never have to go through. Youll never understand how hard it was, I knew everything to tell the operator, I knew it all. Why did they take so long? Why couldnt they help you? Im so sorry i let you down. I never knew i would be waking up to you being gone. How could I sleep through that? Why didnt I hug you a little tighter? Did I even say I love you back? I felt so hopeless. I couldnt save you, I couldnt do anything. I think that was the day my heart truly broke. I was so afraid of showing you I cared about you that I made us both miss out on so much. I had points where I wished mom would have gave up on yalls relationship because it would have been easier that way. I didnt know how much I was missing out on. I miss you, I miss the endless nights of just eating sandwiches and chips because it was easier than cooking. or the days of you getting fed up with me sleeping on the couch, even though it was because I didnt want to admit my room scared me. Why did I fight you just hours before? Why was I so difficult? Why did I not know I was about to lose you? what is wrong with me. How could I of been so dumb. crying at the hospital I didnt want to leave you, id of rather had someone drag me out of their than me having to choose to leave you, even though it wasnt you at all.