The Deep End

Tonight, I told my husband I don’t want to be with him anymore and I meant it. I don’t know if he is a narcissist or not, I’m not a professional. But I do know I have dealt with him moving the goalpost, stonewalling me, and gaslighting me for years and I have finally had enough. I stayed for the kids but my marriage is killing me. I am of no use to my own kids right now. To me, it could all be so simple. He brings up very simple grievances that I understand are big deals to him but they have simple solutions. And the moment I meet his expectations, it’s something else. It is always something else. There is always the promise that if I just do this or that, then he can show me affection, engage with me, connect with me, be intimate with me. And I try until I am weary and when I finally crumble, he pulls a “See? You’re just not consistent enough”. You’re right. I’m not consistent. I’m depressed and I want to blow my f***ing brains out. For months and months and months I give and try and give and try and when I finally become discouraged and feel that he will never connect with me as my partner and husband, I start to withdraw and become depressed. He then uses my depression against me as a way to justify how cold he is. I feel like I have been living in a funhouse for years and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. The most amazing part of it all is when I get that rare moment of detachment and clarity, I can see how crazy he really is. I can see all that I bring to our marriage and our family, weigh it against what he has to offer, and know that the scale tips in my favor. I have been killing myself to be this perfect person for him because I naturally try to improve, always reaching upward trying to be better than yesterday. But he remains the same man he has always been. I think about what his ideal woman must be. How perfect she is, how beautiful, smart, and driven. And then, I think of what he could possibly offer her. What in the actual f***ing hell could this man offer her? He can’t even offer his heart to a woman that has been 100% down for him, his #1 fan since day one and THAT sh** IS FREE. And then, I remember that I AM THAT WOMAN. I am beautiful, smart, and driven. I am also kind, funny, adaptable, discerning, encouraging, pretty f***ing selfless. I am a great mother and every time my kids spend hours talking to me, draw me pictures, write me poems, cuddle up to me, ask for my help and advice, cry to me, and not my husband, it is so clear what is actually taking place here. This man cannot and will not do better for himself and the only way he will ever feel like a bigger man is if he makes me feel like a lesser woman. When I can just get out of the tale spin he sends me in long enough to see it, I realize what has always been happening. How he always tried to one-up me when I achieved something, rather than congratulating me and sharing in the success. How he would take pictures of the f***ed up house when I was in the midst of depression and use it as ammo against me to our friends and family. How he made my last attempt at getting a college degree an actual f***ing nightmare. How he used to throw it in my face when girls would hit on him just to get a reaction out of me. How he always let me cry alone and then blame me for having actual feelings. How any time I tried to do something nice for him, I either did it wrong or he didn’t ask for it. How he has criticized literally everything gift I’ve ever gotten him because it was the wrong model or I could have gotten a better deal or whatever other reason he thought the gift was worthless. And so I would resort to buying him clothes and he would accuse me of trying to tell him how to dress. My God, does it ever end? And the sick part is there is still a big part of me that questions whether I am seeing things clearly or not. Is this actually the way it is or am I imagining things? Am I really the terrible person? Am I the one to blame? I have always taken the blame because that means I can fix it but I don’t think I can take the blame anymore. I have tried everything I can possibly think of to make it work and be the wife he claims he needs but that woman does not exist and if she did she wouldn’t f***ing be with him. I hate even saying that but it’s the truth. How did I allow this to get so far??

2 thoughts on “The Deep End”

  1. It’s not your fault and you deserve better. Good for you for being brave. Your future self and kids will thank you <3

  2. Just wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you. I know it must have been difficult to confront him. I can only imagine the maelstrom of emotions that swirled around you, threatening to drown you, or how you were second guessing yourself, telling yourself just to suck it up and keep it together for the kids. But you did it, and now you can focus on moving forward — free from the tyranny of an emotionally abusive relationship.

    I can relate somewhat, as my father struggled in his marriage to my mother. Although it was far from the abuse you appear to have known, it was also far from healthy and it affected us kids deeply. A relationship with either parent was made very difficult, and for a while I resented my father because of the divide, as if he did not try enough. It was only after he finally separated from my mom, when we were already grown, that he truly found himself and our relationship began to heal. Over time, I developed a new-found respect for him.

    But I am proud of you for taking the first step towards taking care of yourself, and ultimately, your kids. It sets an important precedent for them to not settle for less than they are worth. It also awards them the privilege of seeing their mother happy and thriving, free from the bonds that once shackled her. You have such strength that I’m sure you weren’t even aware you had, and I’m excited for this new chapter of your life. 😀

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