Lost in the World

Writing to you is tough. Maybe ironic for someone you used to say “talked too much.” I think of a lot of things to say to you, but then I sit on it for awhile and dismiss it as too angry, too dark, too rambling. I’d like to think as I’ve gotten older I’ve become wiser about choosing my words carefully. You still hold onto things I said years ago, as do I, so the consequences are real and necessary to consider.

I tend to focus on the negative a lot, because I’m not thrilled with the way my life has gone. But there’s good too. I saw a post from someone awhile back that you should thank God for three things before you go to sleep. I started doing that, and some nights its tough, but I always find at least three things, and I think that helps counter a lot of the negativity. The argument that it could always be worse, ie “there are children in Africa who would beg for those brussel sprouts”, never really registered with me. But finding those things in your life that you really do appreciate and are grateful for has been good for me. I’ve started working out a little, nothing crazy, but for the first time in my life I really appreciate how much better I feel when I am done. I’ve got a long way to go towards living a physically healthy lifestyle, but I’m starting to try. Financially, I’ve paid off all my old debt, only taking on some new token debt to improve my credit (more than 100 pts this year so far!). I’ve started investing a little, not real successfully, but I think this is probably a bad time for beginner investors to be getting started. I am reading a lot more about it, and realizing just how much I need to learn.

When I think about some of the positive trends in my life, I don’t feel so down about myself. Indeed, the first few drafts of this letter were a lot more negative and dark. The biggest downer for me has always been the loneliness. I’ve gotten so used to it I’ve become a recluse, which has actually made all this stay at home and social distancing pretty easy for me. I think about you, and I know you’d want nothing to do with my current life. You’ve made it pretty clear over the years that without many substantial changes you don’t want anything to do with me at all. I guess I can’t blame you. I think you buy into what other people think a little too much, but your interests and choices are no less valid than mine. I do wish that you could just accept me for who I am and not what you want me to be.

I’ll leave you with one thought I had recently. Its no secret I fell for you, hard, very early on. The first thing that really stands out in my memory was you admonishing the person who ate your pasta. Really laid into them. And maybe I told you this story before, but there were three of us together, and while your back was turned, the other two started talking about eating your pasta, I guess as a means of flirting? Idk, I thought it was dumb. And then the most attractive, the most physically in shape of us (and the one in the modern day who is the most objectively successful) started eating your pasta like it was no big deal. And when you saw you flipped out. The other two in my group slithered away leaving just me. And you started talking to me, the least of the group. All my life I just wanted someone to see me and value me for the things I value and the way I try to live my life. And you did. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve changed a lot since we met. But all these years later and I look at you and I’m still happy with my choice to want to be with you. Even if it never happened, I’d take zero days as your lover over a lifetime with someone I despised.

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