why are you the way you are

you came into my life unexpectedly. I didnt mean to meet you, it wasnt planned, I didnt want to meet you. i never tried to. the night i met you, i wanted you to like me, i added you for a reason. I had a good feeling. the next few days we talked, I dont remember when it changed to vivid talking or being the way we were. I noticed at one point that i started smiling when you texted me. I got happy, it moved to sending those dumb videos of us talking. God i loved hearing your voice. knowing i was taking such a big part of your day just by you trying to talk to me. i didnt mean for it to but it moved to feelings. yes, i caught the god awful feelings for you. I kept you private for a while, didnt even tell my best friend. then the phone calls started. God how i loved them. I looked forward to talking to you every night. the way you made me feel, how happy i was. it was un-explainable. you said things that werent blunt, not about your feelings because thats just not you. I know why, i could tell youve been hurt. You talked so down on yourself. Always said how dumb you are, how you arent important and how you dont matter. Oh how you were wrong. The nights i spent telling you how much you mean to me and you told me then that youd never had anyone tell you those things. I asked if i couldnt be enough, you said i was. Weeks went by, months, forever it seemed like. You made me so happy, my family grew to know you and love you. We talked about getting married, both of our weddings actually. I dont know if you started acting differently and I just didnt notice, or if you were fine until she reached out. Was she there the whole time? Did I ever mean anything to you? Why did you let me care so much if you didnt at all? I dont understand why you acted the way you did. Why you let me open up, the little that i did. You promised that you wouldnt go away, you wouldnt leave. Yet you did anyway. I partially hate you for doing this, for stringing me along like this. For making me care about you when you dont me at all. I dont know what i did that was so wrong. Did you not think I was serious? Was I just not good enough? Why cant I be good enough? Im sitting here, typing a letter that will never be sent. Feelings that will never be shared. Tears hit the letters of my keyboard as my eyes get blurrier and blurrier. Why do I still want to wait for you? Why do I still care? Why does this part of me believe that its Gods plan for us to be together? I fear Ill never know. I guess im just another girl to you. Another girl, writing a letter, asking why are you the way that you are.

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