I can’t help but wonder

I can’t help but wonder how it’s like for someone to point at you & say “this is my favorite person in the whole world”. To make you actually stand out of all their other close friends.
I never knew that feeling.
Yes I have best friends and yes I have people in my life who I know that they really care about me and want me to see me do well. But I can’t help but wonder if i will actually get to live the life i imagine in my own mind.
Like… you don’t get it I literally have a whole another “perfect” life inside my head that I want my real self to live. I’m this popular loved sweetheart that is always fun to be around and when she comes in the room , all heads turn around. She has these male friends that she’s super comfortable with (something the real me struggles with) , her & her friends always do these stupid challenges and travel around wherever they feel like going (thanks Vlog Squad for this:) )
She is a reeeeeal extrovert and she doesn’t mind letting everyone know what she wants. She’s a real flirt too.
I have this perfect scenario in my head that i do whatever i put my eye into. And when I get back to reality I’m just this insecure little nugget who doesn’t feel ready to put herself out there and whenever one of her friends show her a little bit of affection she gets weirded out by it. Because she can’t imagine for someone to actually give a f about her being. She’s so used to be there for people that when someone wants to be there for her , she pushes them away.
I can’t help but wonder if I will get to make it to be the brave independent girl in my own imaginary world.

I know i said ‘She’ a lot in this letter I’m sorry lol <3

The bar that saves me

Sips, tomfoolery banter
Repetition of songs
And the way you dance.
I miss floods being drained,
The full tone of the television,
The quick witticisms
Of semi drunk apostles
Arguing over trivial philosophies.
I miss the cathedral where I prayed
To be found
For awkward dancing and
Mostly I miss
People being people
A room reminding me of humanity
And the flush of love
As rivers through my arteries.
Resurging my heart with
Undiminishing hope.