Day: July 15, 2020
I can’t help but wonder
I can’t help but wonder how it’s like for someone to point at you & say “this is my favorite person in the whole world”. To make you actually stand out of all their other close friends.
I never knew that feeling.
Yes I have best friends and yes I have people in my life who I know that they really care about me and want me to see me do well. But I can’t help but wonder if i will actually get to live the life i imagine in my own mind.
Like… you don’t get it I literally have a whole another “perfect” life inside my head that I want my real self to live. I’m this popular loved sweetheart that is always fun to be around and when she comes in the room , all heads turn around. She has these male friends that she’s super comfortable with (something the real me struggles with) , her & her friends always do these stupid challenges and travel around wherever they feel like going (thanks Vlog Squad for this:) )
She is a reeeeeal extrovert and she doesn’t mind letting everyone know what she wants. She’s a real flirt too.
I have this perfect scenario in my head that i do whatever i put my eye into. And when I get back to reality I’m just this insecure little nugget who doesn’t feel ready to put herself out there and whenever one of her friends show her a little bit of affection she gets weirded out by it. Because she can’t imagine for someone to actually give a f about her being. She’s so used to be there for people that when someone wants to be there for her , she pushes them away.
I can’t help but wonder if I will get to make it to be the brave independent girl in my own imaginary world.
I know i said ‘She’ a lot in this letter I’m sorry lol <3
The truth behind men of summer
I wasted so many poems
On him that I forgot
What is was like to write
The lines realistically.
Like how you spoon fed
Promises
While I stayed up late
Every night at our cathedral
Hoping you would
Come here my prayers
Instead of floating
Down the river
With your other lovers
And our broken promises.
The bar that saves me
Missing
Sips, tomfoolery banter
Repetition of songs
And the way you dance.
I miss floods being drained,
The full tone of the television,
The quick witticisms
Of semi drunk apostles
Arguing over trivial philosophies.
I miss the cathedral where I prayed
To be found
For awkward dancing and
Lowlights.
Mostly I miss
People being people
A room reminding me of humanity
And the flush of love
As rivers through my arteries.
Resurging my heart with
Undiminishing hope.
The Last Poem to Autumn
Loving you was pure madness
And it absolutely terrified me
Even before insanity crumbled
And especially after.
I could not help to mourn the ways
Collision courses and roadmap signs
Diverted time after time.
All I wanted was you
But I was irreversibly terrified
Of the ways you reached me
And of all the ways
I took I knew
I could never reach you.