Day: June 30, 2020

I would love to be able to tell about R. A Jewish man, philosophy major, even by my standards an true guitar genius, and strung all the way out on meth. He was a beautiful train wreck more akin to the Beat Poets than the zombies trying to steal your car battery. And just like everyone else and on cue, I’ll always wonder where he went.

On his way out, he looked at me and just said, “Man, me and you, we’re innocent by intent. Sometimes shit just happens.” I believe this. I have never set out just to screw someone over but we know all too well that it has happened. Of course I am the one that gets the short end the majority of the time.

In all situations, I try to be the friend that I want to have. That’s why I’d listen to Sally. I know how it feels to be treated as an imbecile by strangers, confusion and loneliness. To have found love and wanted to tell someone. We talked about him and I talked about you. As R put it, you were (are) what I think about when I am thinking about nothing. You accuse me of sleeping with her, knowing I am incapable.

It’s been 4 years and I haven’t looked at another woman. You won’t leave my thoughts. I am still married to you for christ sake. I listened to LLoyd because I know what heartbreak feels like to go through it alone. You’ve not once been by yourself, nevermind alone.

I am alone. Mom’s gone, I am divorced on paper, and absolutely nowhere to go. I will never call home again. The life I want, the happiness I want, no self-help book, no amount of education, no amount of praying, no how many falling stars I wish on like I was 7 and magic was still real, will make it happen.

Ever.

You have never been faithful to anyone. You have knowingly put people out in the snow to die. You have stolen from the homeless. You have hung up on the suicidal. You stole my dog from me. You made me walk 3 miles in the snow with a herniated disk after work, passed out with my best friend.

Yet here I am, riding out the clock in a world gone full tilt writing this, on this site and you sleep just fine. You said “I hope your time gets better.” You know it won’t and can’t and I’ll be doing this again in 3 months.

Wherever you are R, we are innocent by intent, you fabulous fucking disaster.

I dream about you, not that you’d ever know.
And not just at night, but all throughout the day.
I think about us and how we helped each other grow
I mull over everything I was too scared to say.
I always loved you, not that you’d ever care.
Not as a lover, but as the sun is to the earth
You were my saviour who filled my lungs with air,
And led me to the river when I was dying of thirst.
I miss your laughter as it wrapped around my heart
And pulled me away from my self-created hell
I miss your passion – that illuminating spark
Which showed the path to travel from the shadows where I dwelled.
I miss you wholly, in every imaginable way
But in my folly, I, the Earth, banished the Sun
And enclosed myself in darkness to eternally decay,
Awaiting a dawn that I know will never come.

E