are you still there?

d,

i want to be as authentic as possible with this message and not sugar coat anything, because i think everyone deserves complete honesty. it helps us grow.

anyway, i need you to know, in case you’re wondering whether or not it had an effect on me… it did. it actually hurt worse the second time because i knew it had to be my fault. i thought i might not have been pretty enough, or interesting enough, or that i came across as annoying for typing too much sometimes – but i couldn’t help it. talking with you seemed effortless, and i thought it would have been the same in person. i don’t know if boys just have a different mindset and don’t think about things as much, so it isn’t as hurtful to them, but i know that for me – or, most girls – talking with somebody who you’ve grown to really like feels like spring. i loved finding out little parts of you and was so excited to discover more, like i’d found a new book i couldn’t put down or something. i don’t think i’ve ever had that with a person, so our brief encounters meant so much to me. i know relationships are scary. i think that you might still be scared, but you were trying to force yourself not to be and a facade can only last so long, so to an extent, i understand another disappearance. but man i wish you had have just expressed this to me, because then i could have told you i never HAD any expectations. like i said (almost) a year ago, i’d be delighted just to say i know you – to call you one of my friends. i’d love to give you advice and discuss the latest songs from artist’s we’re into. make a fool out of myself if you ever tried to teach me to ride a skateboard. binge films with you. as friends or otherwise, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. i think you’re really cool, and i’m so sorry if i gave any sort of impression that i needed something deeper from you. i hate the thought of making anybody feel pressured. i just wanted it to be easy. carefree. to go with the flow and see what happens. there shouldn’t be any requirements when it comes to dating. i’ve always thought we should learn to mimic the ocean and let the earth decide where we go, rather than forcing it to happen ourselves. that probably didn’t make a lot of sense and i’m rambling now, but i hope you know that i’ll always consider you one of a kind.

i hope we can talk again one day 🙂

ps. thank you for being the one to make me discover american pleasure club. they’re one of my favourites now.

– h