Hey you

A. A.

Here we are again, thousands of miles apart and sneaking daily messages. I’ve tried to stay away; part of me thinks that my desire for your friendship has ruined you. It seems I can’t control it. I feel drawn to speak to you. It’s almost like there’s an emptiness when I don’t know how you are. Oh, how I’ve tried to fill that void …for you. The pain is familiar now. It dances around my brain behaving like a drug. It fills my head with dreams until I’ve convinced myself I need to hear from you again.

You left her after she called me a slag for conversations we had when we were together. (You saved them, every last one.) I blamed myself for reaching out after all this time. I never told you that no one has ever defended me in such a manner. Perhaps the notion is silly, but I thought it quite chivalrous in its own way. I’m not sure I deserved it, still.

It appears that life has this circle of pushing us together and then ripping us apart. In all honesty, I’m not sure how much more I can take. I love you. I have loved you since the day we met. I don’t mean that in a romcom way, this wasn’t love at first sight. This was an endless conversation, deep and effortless. It was the beginning of something I’ll never put behind me. I bared my soul to you and you accepted me in a way no other ever will. We accepted each other faults and all.

I hope you know that you’re still the first and last thing on my mind every day. I hope you know that I want nothing more than your happiness, regardless of whether or not it involves me. Ahh, I am ever the cliche.

I hope you know that everything I have done has been for you. I realize now that those decisions were not mine to make, they were your decisions. I’m uncertain of what I was trying to protect you from. I can’t figure out of I did it so that you could have your life or if it was because I didn’t think I was worthy of your love. You were willing to sacrifice everything for me and I didn’t want to be the reason you left your life and loved ones behind. We were so young, I actually believed I was doing the mature thing.

In any case, you were right about the time I was wrong. You wouldn’t say it to me, but I knew in my heart what you were speaking of. Perhaps one day, life will stop being so cruel. Perhaps one day, I’ll run into you and we’ll have police box coffee. Perhaps I’ll have a chance to right my wrong. Until then, I’ll be seeing you in my dreams.

Your Penguin

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