“I Was Here”

Broken relationships are some of the saddest things in life. I wish I could delete all the bad things that happened between us. From history and my memory.

The more you love a person, the more it hurts when they say or do things, intentional or not, that result in you feeling unloved. And the deeper the damage to the connection.

This is the truth.

Do you understand now how much I loved you?

Forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion. (Much like love, except love is also an emotion that springs from a choice.)

I chose to love you from the day we became friends (it was not just a feeling for me), and once things broke, I immediately chose to forgive you. I chose it over and over. I still choose it.

It has come with a lot of suffering, and there will be more ahead for me before reaching a state of indifference/ inner peace about what happened.

Something I learned: my suffering was rooted in displaced compassion. I had more compassion for you than I did for myself. It kept me in the line of fire. But not anymore.

My peace comes through becoming a bigger person than what was done to me. It comes from continuing to choose love, as I had all along, and not allowing another person’s lack of intention to love me, steal what is best in me.

This experience has put me on a better path. It taught me that I am worth so much more than I accepted. So I’m dreaming of more, hoping for more, and will never again settle for less.

This taught me that I should never regret loving or giving of myself. To not be ashamed of who I am, of how trusting, expressive, empathetic, or forgiving. Of how easily and deeply I can come to care about someone.

But it also taught me that there are some things a person just can’t say or do to me and remain in my heart and life. I have confidence, with what I learned, that if I could go back and do it all over again, I would have recognized the signs in the beginning, and it never would have happened.

But it did. And I hope that at least the pain I experienced wasn’t in vain; that it taught you something too…

Most importantly to appreciate what you have, because sometimes in life you only get one chance with a person’s heart. That if you fail to handle it with care, you can lose them forever.

I know you regret it, and you know it’s too late. That doesn’t at all make me feel better. It is just another heartbreaking consequence.

The bigger picture of “it was wrong” doesn’t mitigate that denying what we had was possibly even more wrong, a betrayal on the deepest level… and it had a ripple effect that extends far into the future, and that permanently changed my understanding of the past.

I feel for you, because I would not want to have to live with that… or expend the immense amount of energy it would take to run from it or keep it at bay. I saw it in your face… you attributed all the stress to other things, but I know there is more to it.

I have compassion because we’ve all made mistakes with unintended consequences. I know how horrible it feels.

But I did you no favors, trying to protect you (from facing the truth of what really happened, at the time that it happened) by absorbing all the responsibility for so long, a burden that proved to be too much for me.

I know I’ll make a full comeback (eventually), because despite the fragility I hide so well — that I trusted you with as I had with no other — I am strong. I’ve been through other versions of this before.

It won’t be in vain for me, that I know. I want to make this the closing chapter. The last time this theme ever plays out in my life. And that will take me doing things differently, starting now.

You don’t know this, but this is the end, the last communication I will ever have with you, barring God intervening in some way. You’ll likely never read it, or if you do, you’ll never know for sure it was from me.

But that is probably for the best. Because I’ve come to realize through all of this, I lost the desire for even a surface level friendship. I don’t want to have to force it. I just want to let it go. So this is not something I feel the need to tell you directly. It will just naturally happen.

You responded to me at times (the times I was hurting most, when I most needed compassion) as if I never mattered to you. I can’t forget how that felt (it has often come back to haunt me as part of the healing process), and I can’t open myself up to that again.

But know, you always mattered to me.

Then my eyes were opened and I saw that you had never been there for me to begin with. Even at that point, you did not stop mattering to me as a person (I can never be that way towards a person I loved), but maintaining the connection was something I no longer had the heart for, because I realized that it did not go both ways.

I hope deep down you understand, in the unlikely event you ever reach out and discover I’m not there anymore. It’s not personal or “getting back at you”… and if it seems inconsistent with how I was before, that is okay. I’m allowed to change my mind.

All it is, is taking care of myself. It’s that simple. I believe you would respect that.

At the bottom of it all, I know you’re a good person, that you were doing the best you could. I’ve come to a place of acceptance about it all.

I will be okay.

This is the story as I understand it, the closure I’m putting on this situation, based on what I experienced, what I observed, what I felt, and what you let me know, through your words and actions.

This is my story, and it ends with goodbye.

So, goodbye.

(And thank you.)

6 thoughts on ““I Was Here””

  1. I’d like you to thank you for writing this out. It resonates with me, I feel I have had a very similar experience with someone. A experience where I gave my all to someone. Offered my loyalty and Friendship only to end it with me walking away questioning my self worth.
    I wish you all the best keep your chin up, you are not alone in this and worth so much more than this person had you feel.

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and let me know I’m not alone. Some people are just not good for us, and though we had to learn the hard way, we’re better off now. <3

  2. I know this isn’t for me but I would like to apologize on behalf of the person that hurt you. I was once a fool like your S.O. and hurt the one I love the most. Believe me when I say it hurts more than a thousand deaths. And, whomever said time heals everything, is a damn liar. Wish you the best. Now and always.


    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to say this to me. You’re right that “time heals anything” is not true at all. But I do believe healing is possible with self-compassion and the will to recover, and I wish that for you. You have learned and are a better person today… we have all taken our turns of hurting someone, and being hurt. We’re all just doing our best. <3

      1. I found this remarkably applied to how I behaved. someone took there best time. Innocent beauty in the two of us. She carried me forward I know that. all I can say now is how much I have to reflect. After putting on like a sort of jingle bell feeling for a whole six years with no real compassion or respect for the other. seeing it as hard for her right from the start. She’s happy now from what I can tell. Sounds happy and she first made me question my speech. My manner my everything. But it felt so fun. I can’t imagine how hurt she must feel. And. Can not forget all the other human beings trying to make it better. I would like to thank all readers and posters from my heart. Thank you. And to the one that is. Well she’s amazing. Mother fathers trust and companionship feeling. Like a new lease of life. For me I’ve seen turmoil from the begging of my life. Great full to a lot of people that give second chances. and my reflections upon this is I know you wouldn’t choose lightly. So it’s true. I’m deeply aware of how this conpassion is your hope as it has equietted for me. and told me so much about you from how you. Will lead a much decent life. With it without me or with or without the stuff that was and is on your mind. I can’t sleep. Shaking or kissing my ass goodbye

  3. I believed The saddest would be a Harvard student much the younger of us hooking up with a lazy runner wannabe athlete.
    Who’s head was on loop right from when I saw you first. Great first impression btw. Can’t believe where the time has gone. But I choose it for all that others would have said. Sheltered you in a way that no other person could. I feel I’m saying to much again and this is why you leave. But let it be me that says this. I still know I was right you are better than me brave. Go getter. and have seen your fair share of destruction just like me I just choose not to show you until i seemed it too late. and the room was on fire. Follow your heart you’ve once told me. Well for now I’ll set boundaries hoping that it’s not to lofty and can achieve for my mums sake. she wanted the best for you hence leaving me to it. She thought you’d go onto Harvard guess not. I knew not another country your too developed for your age btw. Seems silly if your a 60 year old hag. But your not. Joking aside Ive dated that type since and what a eye sore. You are beautiful I’m glad you underestand how much. You’ve grown confident and learnt along the way. Much to my previous disapproval sometimes of not chatting to me. But I realise it’s dumbfounded of me to show you this place we call earth and that you’d ever let me know in this way. You are loved and missed. I can pour out my spillage of memories to myself now. For myself I improve. Not being big headed but I always wanted the best for you. And tried to put you first. I come here often. My anxiety is low so I can do this now. Pills help me so please while we are here don’t make it too hard as I know you have anxiety. We will combat that together. apart.

    But if I could come to see you. I’d pack. Already started acquiring things for thing we can do.

    I work now. Never thought that would happen. I liken it to a person sitting across the room in a restauraunt and not seeing I could have had a future as bf gf and your mum looks at me so lovingly. With her magnificent eyes. Respect your family. name change a good one so roll of the tongue now. Full name. Well she did. Until she got wind of what I’d done. One bad thought crops inside my head and all hell breaks loose. In front of people embarrassing you. Only why did I let it seem like a massive mistake I heard your aunty scream and her words resonated. All as I believed. What could it have been . and what it couldn’t at once. Sleep well beaut. You have been a major player. To all who know you. and I’m glad I got to spend what little time I had even if I had grand ideas and recollections before.
    You could have looked at my phone. I’d had nothing to hide. But now would be a different matter only time to change. Something you have lots of. And since it all changed I have to do it really.

    But your right one of the saddest things. Is broken. Or a life of two halves. Before and after. may as well leave my name on this one. May still be as confusing to you now. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never knew since I left the place I’d only be thinking one place only for me. One thing only. That turns out to be one time only. If there is a bit of concealing I’d done to not tell you. Brand new to me. How much I loved you and still do. I wonder about you always. Always will.
    And when we pass. I hope And pray I can not mess around with a heart. Ever again im getting lonely. But I reap what I sow. Time to sow and with all the possibilities in this world. For us both I hope you can forgive me. For your sake I thank you for always been there which was amazing. Fun and a sense of stagnation. Ever since. I messed up. Wallowing becoming bitter but it’s all for a reason your worth so much to me. I hurt the one I loved. Because of constraints. My own limitations. It was ideal really. But to no avail and now is far from idealistic but whatever it takes to Know your okay I suppose

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