Feeling Alone… Terribly Alone

Dear B,

I love you with all my heart and soul, but being trapped inside with you and our toddler is beginning to drive me insane.

I have felt like I was losing my identity for a while now- lost in the ether of things that ‘used to be’.

I am sad, and I am lonely. I know that I so blessed to have you and the best friend that so many people wish that they could have. I have an amazing smart, kind, wonderful and beautiful little boy! How did I get so lucky to have him as my child? I will never know.

I am alone now, and sad.

I used to have identity in my work. In being a provider. In earning more than you. In beauty, youth and appeal. CHarisma. Now I am just a tired old mom who’s eyes are surrounded by fine lines, and they are dim inside. The sparkle has disappeared. The joy, the enthusiasm that I had for life.

No one ever tells you that this is what happens when you get everything you want. So I set the bar higher… Trying to achieve more and more, but being unable to maintain balance in my life, I quiet. I DO NOT quiet anything ever. I am finally finding my way out of this darkness, and then this goddamn plague struck, and I am stuck inside not being able to pursue my goals.

I have sooo much to do inside, and so many hobbies that have been neglected, but most are impossible to do with a toddler running around. I just can’t keep wasting money, or take the risk, of him being in daycare at this point. It is unfair to him, to me and to society, let alone our bank account.

Speaking of our bank account, I don’t even know how much is in it! I don’t even have access to it. I do know roughly, as we share information and statements openly between us, but still…

I have these huge bills, and you are acting like it is all my fault. Motherfucker, that is what happens when a small business is hit with the PLAGUE!!! We are all fucked, screwed, adois!!

And now, I am expected to be stay at home mother of the year, a role I never willingly signed up for. The irony is that I imagined what it would be like to be a stay at home mom, and did want to do it at s certain point in my life.

I just didn’t expect to be now.

So what am I going to do?

I am going to make the best of this entire shitstorm that they call America. Fuck the Plague.

One thought on “Feeling Alone… Terribly Alone”

  1. Maybe your loneliness isn’t anything new. As you said, your way out of the darkness was putting all energy into your work and pursuing goals. Maybe you never stood face to face with your pain and hurt and all those good, but still, not the most important, things in your life helped you to ignore them? Maybe this is a good time to face them, to make some amends, to find peace?

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