wrote & sent a year ago, still can’t reread it, still feel the same


So this is it. I kind of thought I’d never get here, that this place was going to hold me hostage forever. Of course that’s dramatic. As this is inevitably going to be too.

I don’t really know where to begin. I hate when situations have me having trouble finding the words. I really don’t think that I’d have as strong of a chance of making it without you. I have tried to get as much of your insight as I can because I realized that you were really making me see things differently. Made me realize that I wanted to be different. That I wanted to live. (Despite nearly killing myself over you) Which is why I never wanted to get up and leave your office. (Well one of the reasons) Seeing things through clearer lenses even though it hurt to start getting there, I needed that. And everything felt foggy and unreal until you started helping me put the pieces together. And you wouldn’t just let me not uncover the things that I didn’t want to. You pushed me to work harder and give this whole thing more and even though that pissed me off sometimes it was necessary. I realized that you really put the meaning into “method to the madness.” I was sure that there was no saving me. I wrote something about that once. Because I just felt like nothing was ever going to change, that everything was too messed up to come back from. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling really hopeless. But somehow things are different. You flicked the lights back on for me and yelled at me to get the fuck up. You made me see why all the red lights always look damn green to me.

I have a lot that I want to be in life. But I really want to be even close to someone like you. I thought that I knew what impressive people were, but you changed all of my definitions of that. (You even made me see that my dad wasn’t all that which is wild.) Any time it was said to me that I was anything like you, whether it be that I looked like you or had your sense of humor, I took that as a huge compliment. I admire you as a person so much. I’ve always seen how strong you are, how despite saying you have “no soul” you care, how you carry yourself, how you talk to people, how you think, how you’re smart as all hell. You have one of the greatest minds of all time, I’m sure of this. You are something else. You drive me insane (sometimes, well most of the time) but I think meeting you was necessary. And (yeah here’s that dramatic shit but it’s real) if anyone’s impact on my life could save me, it would be yours.

I really didn’t deserve to meet you. But I can tell you that I especially have no ragurts. I would get snatched and kidnapped and almost die and break my hand and miss out on Dunkin Donuts all over again. Because it meant I got to get here and get better and realize things. (Obviously could’ve gone about things better but hey I wouldn’t be me without it being a little crazy.)

I hate that I’m always going to be light years away from you but I have to appreciate this for what it was and let go somehow. I’m convinced that there isn’t anyone else out there like you. You’ve made me want to be happy, to enjoy the sun and sweets and light things. You’re a very rare person to come across. I hope that you always feel loved and happy and beautiful and everything good this life has to offer. I believe that everything happens the way it’s supposed to but I can’t help but wish that I met you in some other life.

You’re right that I really don’t forget things. I run them over and over in my head. And so luckily I remember a lot of our conversations (but also the random stuff), I remember playing with play dough in your office. I remember you dropping your keys after repeatedly spinning them around your fingers. I remember you comparing me to a duck. I remember spilling ginger ale on myself in the hospital and you joking that I should be good at drinking things by now. I remember you gave me a mint and said that if I told rian foster that you’d take all my left shoes. You’re really a weirdo. (In a good way.)

You inspire me to be a version of myself that I didn’t know existed. Even half unconscious, messed up me knows that just having you with me made me feel so much better. Hence why asking for you was the first thing I said when I woke up. I hope that everyone who gets to have you in their life for real never forgets how lucky they are.

I can’t thank you enough for the countless hours you’ve spent with me, not just in the cad but in the damn hospital, digging through all of my bullshit with me, dealing with my starry eyed self. Tara, thank you for not giving up on me despite all the “weird stuff.” For being able to make me laugh in shitty situations. It made me feel better knowing that someone like you was rooting for me, was there for me.

I definitely won’t forget about you or the things you taught me. I hope you know just how much you’ve helped me. I really could never express it enough, even with being a wizard with words and all.

I don’t know how to end this. I wish there was a good enough way to.

Thank you again for everything Tara. I hope to see you on the flip side. Xx

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