JUN12010
I said I didn’t want you.
I said commitment wasn’t what I was after.
I tried to stay distant.
She said you wouldn’t last.
She said we should be casual.
You said her opinion didnt matter.
You said you were scared to let me in.
You let me in.
I stayed cold.
I started to trust you.
Months went by.
I met your family.
I met your friends.
You got distant.
You left.
I was fine.
You came back.
You told me you loved me.
I caved and fell for you.
I said I loved you.
You left.
You came back.
You stopped responding to my messages.
We were over.
Through thick and thin I had your back. You never returned that favour. You broke down all my walls just to prove you could. You have a list of reasons why you’re too damaged to be with me. Its bullshit. You begged me to be yours and i swore I never would. You win. Every single night I have the same dream that you want me back. When I close my eyes the same scenario plays out in different settings… you still love me. I have several very successful men in my life now. You can’t pay your rent, but you’re the only one I see every night when I close my eyes. I dont know why. You made me feel unwanted almost everyday we were together. Every month that went by was torture, You came and went, you were mine and you were a ghost.
In the end all I know is that nothing has felt as real in my entire life as those few intimate moments we shared. Our first date pitcher. Driving out to your dads house. Cuddling on the foldout couch. You bussing all the way to my parents house to see me. Eating drunk sandwiches at the lookout. Sitting on the beach bitching about friends. Watching movies at your new house. Meeting strangers on the beach. The anticipation of our few and far between hangouts. Even that last night when you confessed your “excuse”. We held hands so tightly as we took the bus to my new apartment. We both knew it was for real that time, i could feel it in how close we held each other all night. I remember kissing you goodbye the next morning so vividly. I miss you. I have no idea why this feels so hard. Breakups happen. This one is tearing at my insides. Separately we both told people we had no future from the get go. I knew we were headed in different directions. You told me that when you found me this city felt like home, well you felt like home for me, too. I’ve never felt that before. I know you’ve moved on, I am, too. I hope that you’re happy, really. I just hope that by getting this all out I can sleep tonight without seeing your face and imagining a future that can never exist and that, honestly, I don’t want. You were my prince charming but fairytales don’t exist. You told me not to be bitter like her… I just dont know if I can keep my warmth when my beds so cold without you. Ive said some things I regret. I know you’re a good person. I wish that you would open up and let people in, so many people love you. Even though it wont be me i hope that some girl out there can thaw your ice and pull the real you out from your shell. Stop being so distant from your family, they love you and they’re trying really hard to help you. I love you. I will always love you. Take care of yourself and maybe someday you’ll think of me and realize how much of myself I gave to you. You don’t owe me anything. I just wish that I could have our friendship back.
PS I hear that you’re really happy and I’m sure you hear the same about me. I would love to say that true but i’m just a good liar. I like to pretend you’re miserable without me.