Confusion is an enemy all it’s own

I really don’t know how to go about this…

It’s not that I don’t love you, because god knows just about how much
I truely do.

It’s really about what a human being goes through in life, I think probably everyone has it happen at least once. My heart, no matter how much I want to it, to contain it, to rule it’s every beat and desire, will not fully listen to me and my head. I want, honestly, to love and want only you. That’s right, just you. But no matter how I go about it, I still secretly, and shamefully, want someone else. I have to be frank here though, it’s really not about sexual needs or things pertaining to that. Honestly, I have wanted this person for years. Before I met you. How do I tell you that?

I think about leaving you because it’s not fair to you and your heart for me to be safe and selfish. I want to be able to have that chance with him. To be able to prove to myself that through all those years of hopeless yearning and fantasizing, that I was completely insane for believing that I would be enough for him. I know I’m not. He is far too young to be ready to settle, which is what I want from now on. I have had too many flings and misshaps hoping it would turn into more. I hope that I would turn into more when him and I see each other. But in all reality I know it won’t end up that way. I might get the touches that I have wanted from his hands, and I might get those looks of want from him, hell, I might even get that incredible kiss that I have been aching for for so long. And if I’m lucky, more where that came from…I know it will not happen though. That’s the thing…

Even though I know I’m not enough for him, even though I know it would be a short little romance, I want to try for the sake of being wrong. The problem is that I have so much to lose. If I didn’t have a child with you, if we didn’t have such a long history, if I had no attachments with you whatsoever, this would be so much easier. I could just say hey, we need some time apart, I could explore my dumb ass fantasy, and if by sone chance you happened to still be single or were willing to give it another shot, we could try again.

It’s hard to explain…I want to be with you because even though you sometimes upset me, anger me, down right make me want to kill you, I know I still love the hell out of you. We have fun together when we decide to try, we have conversations, and most if all we have a child that we both adore.

But I feel like something isn’t right if I so badly want to have something else with someone else, regardless of what’s going on between you and I.
It must mean that I am not happy, or that something is missing for me?

I don’t know really, except I know what I want…
It’s so complicated…
I wish I could get him and I over with and see that I was such anwasfe
kf my heart to, in all honesty, fall for him…
I’m a stupid girl, I know that.
But I am human, and I want to say that I am so sorry for what I may do to us here I the future…
I may change my mind but I won’t know that till the time comes.
I love you though…that’s what’s so hard about this all.

And I can never say this to you eiher. So I hope whatever happens is what ends up being the best for the both of us, and that we can do whatever needs to be done for our child.

I’m so sorry, in advance, if I do anything that is worth an apology.

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