I miss you. I know this may seem pathetic because I should just call you and tell you that I miss hanging out with you, I miss seeing you every day and singing in the basement like we did when we were kids. I hate that your boyfriend is always with you now, though I’ll never admit it. I hate that you are consumed with your new friends problems and that you don’t think to ask about mine. This must sound horridly selfish Elizabeth and I apologize, but please, please, please, just talk to me like you used to. Talk to me about your life and everything else, we used to be best friends. What happened?
I love ya sis, always will. I will always be here for you and nothing will ever change that.
I love you. I wish I could say it to you. But it would only hurt you. Because the way I mean it isn’t the same anymore. I care about you so deeply. You make me happy, and when you’re around I smile brighter. I love you in the sense that I care very deeply about you and I never want you to be unhappy.
I left you. And I am so sorry. I wish I hadn’t done it. He’s just using me. And I’m sorry I didn’t see it before. And I’m sorry I never stopped it. I left because I know myself, and I know I won’t stop it. And I am so sorry.
I talked to S the other day. And he made me realize something, Cat. I’m never satisfied. It’s because I’m not truly satisfied with myself. I just like the me that other people make me, so when I see a flaw, I leave. That’s another reason why I left. I’m not satisfied with myself. And I need to be in order to be satisfied with anyone else. And that’s why I think it’s better for me. But I think it’s better for you too. Because in the long run, I would probably see another one of my flaws, and leave. I’m so sorry.
I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to be with him. I just want to be myself. My flirty self. I want to learn self confidence without someone else beside me.
Sometimes, I feel like I’ve ruined you. Because now you’re almost so closely bonded to me that maybe you won’t ever feel right with someone else. I hope that’s not true. I feel like my bad self control may have worn off on you. I feel like my horrible manipulative ways may have scarred you. I feel like my constant negative and controlling attitude may have forever changed you. I am so sorry. It’s better if we both develop ourselves without each other. Because then maybe you can be you without me. And I can be me without you.
I love you. And I am so sorry.
I’m crazy about your eyes. They’re such a bold blue, with deep, dark lines running over the irises. They’re so different from mine, gold and green, with irises flat and smooth as silk. I wonder what you think of when you look in my eyes. I know what I think of when I look in yours.
I think of the guy with so many nicknames, so talented, so charismatic.
I think of the guy who hated me only a few years ago. The guy who made fun of me, and who I made fun of in return. I think of the guy who started to like me. I think of the guy so pressured to ask me out. And what did I do? I denied him. Twice. Despite how sweet you have been to me, I denied you. I told you that I couldn’t.
Do you wonder why I can’t do that? Because I’m still in love with another guy. You know him. He’s your friend. He has a nickname for you. It’s one of your best. He’s the flirt, the smooth guy, the pervert. He’s a martial artist, talented in everything you’re talented in. Do you want to know what else he is? He’s sweet like you, in his own way. Without knowing it, he saved my pathetic life when I was on the brink of suicide. And now I watch him liking other girls.
So I’m heartbroken, and though I look happy, I’m not over it. Maybe some day we’ll end up together. If I’ll get over this feeling of regret.
You left me no choice. I had to do it. You were not there for me and the kids. I did not feel safe around you. Drugs were more important to you. I hope you realize that it hurt me more than you will ever know to end it. I am realizing now just how unhappy I was with you. I wish it could have been different. It was all on you. It was not My fault. I hope your life is better for you now that you finally quit drugs. You will never have the same relationship with your kids because you missed so much.
You see, there’s a layer of walls between you and the rest of us and those closest to you can’t get past that inner wall. You stop us there, just close enough to be able to look back at the walls we’ve climbed to get to this point and to look forward to one we can’t even begin to scale. From time to time we get a glimpse of what is in that inner wall and it is something so sweet and perfect. It’s enough to win. (for you to win.) You keep us trapped here, watching as you charm the rest to follow. And now, we feel special to have made it here within the deepest layers of your strongest walls but we are forever tortured, for although we are so close we will never get closer, and yet we no longer have the strength to climb back out.
I still I have not found how such a strong love can continue to grow in me from within such immense walls of hate….and I think it’s because I choose to feel that love and let that love consume the pain I feel; to replace it. I wonder, from time to time, if that hate can ever win. Sometimes I hope it will. But the thing with love is that it doesn’t take much. The tiniest amount is incredibly strong. And so I’ll remain here among these walls, until the hate grows too big or the love grows too small, and sets me free.
I’ve often thought about people who go crazy, and I always thought one of the surest signs is not being able to understand what is going on in your own mind, or why you may have chosen a certain path. After reading this over again, I think I may be crazy, but not for that reason, for another….because in retrospect, I don’t think it was “you” I was mad at, I think it was me.
I want you to get me pregnant, because I know you don’t love me and you don’t want to be with me. But if I had your son, maybe he would love me and want to be with me. I just want to keep you. And if I was pregnant, I could. Maybe not “you” you, but a part of you.
I’m not crazy. I just really want it.
Dear Old You,
I can’t believe I remember this, but the first time I saw you was almost 6 years ago. I got hauled to my mom’s office building on “Go To Work With A Parent Day” in grade nine. My mom dropped me off with the couple hundred other grade nine students and went off to her cubicle. You were being signed in with a rather stiff man in a suit. You, on the other hand, were tall, dark and mysterious. Cliche, I know, but it’s how you were. I could tell you put on a tough exterior, but something in your eyes showed a lot of hurt. I fell in love at first sight but thought little of it, figuring I’d never see you again after this day. I was shy, so I didn’t bother talking to you all day.
However, at the end of the day they asked us what schools we were from, and to put up your hand when you heard your school. They yelled out my school and to my utter shock you put up your hand. I think my jaw dropped. Why had I never seen you before? It took every ounce of courage, but when you walked by I asked if you went to Drury. You said “yeah” and just kept walking, as if I had asked you if you breathed air; so casual.
The next time I saw you was when I was waiting in the hall to go into math class. You walked out of that classroom. I sketched a picture of you that day, and to this day it remains the best thing I’ve ever drawn.
Months later, probably over a year, I went to one of the shows with a few friends. It was nothing spectacular, but on the far side of the room I saw you sitting there with Matt. You guys looked bored out of your skull. I prayed you would notice me. (more…)
I knew you really for 14 hours if that. They were 14 hours I’ll never forget.
We drank tea and listened to records by candle light. You kissed me and smiled like the gentleman you were when i said i didn’t want to ruin the rest of the evening.
You held me in your arms and caressed me as if we’d been lovers for years.
You just talked to me. Never have i listened more contently.
I think they may have been the happiest 14 hours of my life.
Perhaps in another universe we are soul mates, and we grow old together and love each other more everyday.
For now i treasure those 14 hours.
And wish for nothing more.