• this comforting feeling scares me

    by  • June 14, 2011 • 0 Comments

    you know after every chill night at my house, i always walk you to your car to say goodbye? and usually our goodbyes are filled with laughs and kisses and me always thinking of how much i love you. and tonight it was just……different. as we were kissing each other, i got this overpowering feeling that if we didn’t last in college, i would be okay. and that feeling scares the living crap out of me. every day until now all i could think about is how the 1600 miles distance is going to be unbearable. and how much i’ll miss you. and how much i love you. and how i couldn’t even imagine my life without you nowadays. and now i sit here wondering why i’m not crying when i think of how i won’t be seeing your face for months on end. or how i won’t be able to kiss you, hold you, just be near you. why am i okay with the possibility of us ending? why am i not worrying about all the girls that will be clawing all over you at unc because you’re so god damn charming? why is this not breaking my heart? i don’t want this to end. summer is only so long. and we only have so much time. and yesterday, all i could think about is how i want to spend each and every day with you. but now, if i didn’t see your face tomorrow, well, i’d be fine. i don’t understand this. i don’t get why this is happening. and i hate this. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

    Heart Run Away With Me

    by  • June 14, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Every muscle; every emotion inside me; every regret, is screaming for me to run. I want to run to somewhere I can call home, but I don’t know where that place would be.

    Why Didn’t you say a thing?

    by  • June 14, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Why? Why didn’t you say a thing? All those years we jokingly laughed and fought, all those years that we talked, you never told me a thing. Then again, when I think of it, it was mostly one-sided. And that side was me. I told you all about my life, barely getting anything in return. I always listened to what you said, as if it were gold running out of your mouth instead of boring words. But then, now as we leave each other after graduating, you suddenly hate me.

    It had started a couple weeks back, you being short with me and I faintly sensing you were angry. I figured it would get fixed before we left each other, by forgetting it or talking it through. But it didn’t. The last week, when we went on a whole trip with the class (a class of seven), you wouldn’t talk to me. You wouldn’t even text me back. So I sent a solemn text apologizing, not even knowing what I had done, and saying that I won’t talk to you again unless you talk to me. What a fool I was, for I realized later that we would probably never talk again. Those days were filled with crying, no matter when or where it was–if I thought of you hating me, I just couldn’t contain my feelings.

    This all hurt so much, and I can tell why. The years of being close friends, talking to each other more hours a day than when we see our families, really made me feel that we were best friends, even if you didn’t talk to me outside of school.

    Yeah, I had a crush on you for the longest time and it was obvious. But times had changed. I had made sure to convince you it was just from when I was a child, while secretly inside loving you. And when you turned on me, I found myself suddenly alone. All I could think of was what a terrible person I was for making you hate me. What happened? Why didn’t you say a thing? Why do you hate me?

    ….I love you

    Sometimes I wonder..

    by  • June 14, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Dear You,

    Sometimes I wonder if you and I will ever be together again..

    It started great. Summer love, the feeling of your hand in mine, sharing our first kiss secretly at work, sneaking away at night just to be together; who knew that 2 months could trump everything I’ve ever done or accomplished in my life?

    But things turned dark and my life shattered. We couldn’t be ‘official.’ For reasons. I didn’t want to overstep anything, so I didn’t go through your Facebook. With a friend one day, he told me about what your Facebook was about. Another guy. The whole time you were with me, you were with him. Safe and secure, for you two could be official. Was it worth it? I now know there’s a difference between ‘sleep’ and ‘rest.’ I’ve gotten sleep, but lacking the latter still today. Ever since then, we’ve been giving each other short texts. Sometimes you want to make everything right with me, start anew, try again. The next day, well, you act like nothing ever happened and you are content with your life. What the fuck is that about? I’ve passed through holidays and even your birthday, drinking just to mask the pain. My tears still broke through the whiskey and rum.

    You’re 18 now.

    Remember when we couldn’t be official? Well now it’s your say, and not anyone else’s. I wonder what will happen now. I’m sorry that I didn’t text you on your birthday, for the last time I texted you first, you were with him. That night, crying while driving through the back country roads at 100, I prayed that a deer would come in front of me, for the pain of knowing you were in someone else’s arms was, and still is, too much to bear.

    For now, I guess I’ll just wait for you to text me. Maybe you’ll ask me to do something we used to love, things we used to do as we fell in love with each other. Kayaking? Ice cream?

    Maybe you won’t.

    Stand up. Be a grown woman. Just like you told me before we started seeing each other, he treats you like shit. 99% of men will, but I hope you realize that, like I told you, theres that 1% that will cherish you. You’ve met me, a part of that 1%. For I am willing to forget it all. Life’s too short to wonder about the past, but we need to secure our future. Just like I said, I won’t judge you for your past.

    Fuck the anonymity, I hope you read this letter. As I send this, I’ll take another shot of whiskey, burn another cigarette, and try to get some rest.

    I Think I Deserve Better

    by  • June 14, 2011 • 1 Comment

    You got drunk and cheated on me the first month of our relationship.

    I forgave you because I love you.

    You took another girl to prom. Didn’t even bother to ask your girlfriend who you “love.”

    I forgave you because I love you.

    You spent an entire summer lying to me about where you were every night.

    I forgave you because and I love you.

    6 months into our relationship, you told your ex girlfriend that you were not seeing anybody that was “important.”

    I forgave you because I love you.

    You told your ex girlfriend that we were bad together, but you told me that you loved me and wanted to marry me.

    I forgave you because I love you.

    I sat at home wondering to myself why you would randomly stop texting me only to see pictures of you on facebook the next day, drunk and all over random girls. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. You took another girl to prom, but when you could not come to mine and I had to go with a friend, you yelled at me and called me names. You always apologize. There is always an excuse. You promise that it will never happen again…

    Your promises mean nothing to me anymore. I am sick of giving you second chances. All my friends tell me that I deserve better, and maybe it is time that I believe them.

    But how do I lose somebody who I have been with for so long?

    You say that nobody will ever love me as much as you do…what if you are right?

    I don’t want to be alone forever.

    But I want to be in a relationship that doesn’t hurt so much.

    If relationships like that even exist…

    I think I might deserve better.

    But this is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

    You will always be my sunshine

    by  • June 14, 2011 • 0 Comments

    I wish you knew. I wish you knew how I have felt since that first day in the library. I was instantly hooked to you. And that scared me. You were two grades younger than me and it seemed like an odd pairing but I didn’t care. I wanted to be with you very moment of everyday. Your parents didn’t help that. It was a struggle from the very beginning. But when we had those moments together late at night, it made it all worth it. Your flaws made me want you even more. But we only had that one short year.

    On the anniversary of our day, I sent you roses at your work. You never really could appreciate the little things I did for you. But you cheated on me. And I should have never, ever forgiven you for that. But I did because all I want is you. It’s been a year and some since that day and you are still with her. It never got easier. I turned to drugs and drinking to try to forget you even if it was just for that night. It didn’t work. I;ve tried being with others. I just think of you the entire time. You promised me forever. I was more than willing to give you forever. Now you want absolutely nothing to do with me. I was the one who was so good to you. Then why do I feel liek shit and you’re happy? It shouldn’t work like that.

    But even after all the shit we went through, and it was a lot, I still love you more than ever. I haven’t held you in my arms in over a year but yet I want you so much. I don’t know what to do anymore. The memories are getting the best of me. I’m sorry. Please come back.

    Always and forever,
    07.10.09