• Why do I do this?

    by  • June 27, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Dear self,

    Why is it that you can be so utterly in love with someone but still hold something back? Why is it that you can’t imagine a day without this person but still act as if you dont care? What makes you able to tell someone you love them for the first time in one night and have meaningless sex with a stranger 10 minutes later? Why does getting with someone you used to care about seem a much bigger act of betrayal? Is it because the last guy you were with made you think that sex was not a big deal? Is it because he taught you to not act like you care? Why are you so uncomfortable with these truly good man yet you could say anything to the last? Has he permanently scarred you for life or is this just a phase? Better yet, would he still love me if I wasn’t broken? Will I ever be able to get serious again? I wish I could go back to life before him, before I knew what the real world was like. but then again, who knows where i would be and who I would be with.

    love, me.

    Why Is It With You?

    by  • June 27, 2011 • 0 Comments

    I’m starting to remember things again.
    The memories of the times we had flash in my mind,
    as if they were just yesterday.
    It’s not that the memories themselves that are painful,
    it’s the dull aching that’s left behind when they’re gone that bothers me.
    Sometimes, I tell myself that it’s okay to remember,
    that after thinking about you enough, I’ll soon get over this, whatever we had.
    By the end of summer, I’ll have moved on.
    Just like with all the others.
    But the thing is, you’re not like the others.
    You never were.
    This terribly cliched feeling I have inside,
    I never had with them.
    This empty, unending pit that forms
    when I think I’ll never see you again
    was never here before.
    So why is it with you?

    I’m scared that the more I think about you,
    the more I remember the memories we shared,
    the more I wonder about where we could be,
    the harder it will be to move on.
    But either way, I can’t forget,
    which is highly unlike me.
    I can forget most things, almost anything,
    and I can just barely remember the events of this entire school year.
    But I still remember almost every day I’ve spent
    laughing with you,
    thinking about you,
    falling asleep in your arms.
    It’s never been this hard to forget before, never.
    So why is it with you?

    I want to tell someone about this,
    and I’ve gotten close,
    but I know no one would understand.
    Unless they tore it out and examined it,
    and even then,
    they’d only get a glimpse of it,
    what’s in my head.
    It confuses me to no end,
    how this happened.
    I promised myself I’d learn,
    to carefully wrap my heart.
    After having it been fooled, lost,
    torn beyond repair.
    I promised myself I wouldn’t have it snatched away again,
    that I would keep this unfortunate heart,
    safely locked away,
    behind my walls of insecurities,
    underneath my oceans of fear,
    lost within the clouds of my self doubt,
    never to have it stolen again.

    so my one last question is
    why is it with you?

    Orange and Teal chipped nailpolish

    by  • June 27, 2011 • 0 Comments

    there was this one time we stayed on the phone for like 6 hours and i sat on my couch upside down and we understood everything we were both saying because everything one of us said the other was about to say themselves.. it was like we were both finally validated. And there was another time when we lied on a dock listening to frogs for hours after giving the new neighbors oranges to greet them because that’s all we had and they were hot… and there were far too many times to count when we lied in bed on a school night and tried to fall asleep but couldn’t because we had so much to say to each other, and there are so many times where with any one else, i would probably have been called weird for saying or doing something and you will just say something weirder. There have been so many times where every moment i spend with you i drink up like water after running a 12k cancer run. You’re my best friend in every way. The color of my soul, we have agreed, is orange and yours is teal. But everytime we get our nails done or buy clothing, i buy teal and you buy orange, because our colors look better on each other. and I will never regret the day i met you in the sixth grade for one moment in my life. I will never regret all the times we threw chairs in the middle of the hallway in our middle school to laugh when the vice principal quizzically picked them up… or all the stupid faces we have made at each other when we say what the other one was thinking… or all the times we laughed at your parents being psycho and my parents being the same. or all the notes i have written you and you have hanging up on your walls or the little etch-e-sketch pen i bought for you, i will never regret writing happy birthday in pine cones on your porch or flashing the world at midnight….or getting mitch-matched pokey sticks, or laughing on my kitchen floor or comparing everything to seven dead babies or cocaine… or anything we have ever done…there is only one time in our friendship i will ever regret.. and that’s the day you broke a promise. and the day where i couldn’t even talk to you because i felt betrayed…and i couldn’t even think because everything in my life is how it is because we are soul sisters, the day i had to stop myself from crying in all of my classes by chipping off the teal nailpolish on my fingers and try as hard as i could to not think of how we didn’t even plan our nails to be our soul sister colors that time.. Everything i do, i do with a little bit of you in it. Ever since the day you broke the promise, every time i realize another thing that you have affected in my life i smile a little, but there is a painful sting i try not to notice. and i know that i always miss you…because being around you makes me better, and of course i have forgiven you, you’re my best friend, but every time you tell me something now, every time i think something about you i know is not true, there is a small flash of doubt that goes through me and i feel as if my guts are falling out because there is a part of me that can’t trust you anymore. I resent that feeling more than i have ever resented anything, including my arch nemesis (he works at qfc)or the girl in first period whose name rhymes with mine, and so in a little way, a little very painful terrible way, i have begun to resent you, and i hate it. because i love you so much more, and my heart hurts because of what you did but if i let my self heal and didn’t talk to you for a while, i would not be able to stand my self because i would know how much i would be hurting you. and that one day i didn’t talk to you, that was the worse day of my life. so i can’t stop. but going forward hurts too, and of course i will make it through this… it’s just hard right now… and i miss trusting you.


    by  • June 27, 2011 • 1 Comment

    I love you. Yes, you, the person who is reading this. You may be asking why? Why would you love someone you don’t know? The answer is simple; I love you with an understanding that few will, and that understanding only comes with an ignorance that i don’t know you at all. But maybe someday I will get the chance to. I’m looking forward to that day.

    – Kenz

    Fallen out of love

    by  • June 27, 2011 • 0 Comments


    You sometimes say that I’m looking for excuses to break up with you and I always deny that. The thing is in a way I am. I’m trying to find a reason why my heart just isn’t in this. It doesn’t make sense because I think you are so great, I just don’t love you the way you want me to. Not anymore. Its so shitty because I know I’m going to hurt you, and I have no real reason to, my heart just isn’t there with you. I’m sorry.

    Oh Forever boy

    by  • June 27, 2011 • 1 Comment


    I spent 6 hours at work today living in an alternate reality where we lived together and I spent all my time trying to convince you to be mine. It was basically the plot of a romantic comedy, only better because it was us. I wish you were mine. I wish that I could tell you these things and you would look at me and think its so cute, maybe you would rest your hand on my cheek and pull me in for a smooch. I want this to be my reality. I want to spend my life with you, being the die hard girl next door that you eventually fall for. Well… I guess daydreaming like this really made me think it’s possible. I’m going to try, and no matter how stupid I look trying, We are going to get there. I love you and I’m not giving up, I’m taking action. I just have to mind my timing. I love you I love you I love you

    your forever girl