Honestly though. I have one of the closest and most amazing direct and even extended families that I know. I have 4 truly unbelievable and amazing friends that would do anything for me. I have other friends that aren’t as great, but they’re still there if I ever did want them. Yet I still feel SO insanely alone.
For some reason, I pride myself on being hard to get close to (physically and emotionally), hard to understand, hard to communicate with. I know it sounds so stupid and immature but I think a big reason of why I do that, is because I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m waiting for that perfect guy to come along and change me, make me a better version of myself.
In reality, I’m so lost. I feel hopeless. I have no direction. I feel like a loser. I’m only 18, I have tons of time to find my perfect guy and I know that…but ever since my older sister has found hers, all I EVER seem to think about anymore is finding and having my own.
Another big factor to my desire is I had a guy I was talking to for quite a few months before my sister and her fiance got engaged, and after that ended for me, I think since I knew what it was like to have that ‘boyfriend’ in my life I didn’t want that feeling to end.
I feel like nobody knows the real me, I put on a front for everyone, I have so many things to tell that I’ve never told anyone before, but nobody to tell them to. And not anything drastic, just like how everyone in my life thinks I hate being touchy feely, when in reality when theres a guy I like, I can’t pry myself away from him for a second.
Here’s my big dilemma: Because I’m such a hopeless romantic, I feel like if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I feel like the perfect guy will come along and he’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more. But I won’t do any work to find him or put myself out there. Ugh I’m just annoying and frustrated with myself.
GAH someone save me from the harsh words I create about myself in my mind that I can’t seem to stop thinking and feeling.