I’m not one for remembering dates
Or much of anything for that matter
I’ve forgotten the date of our first kiss
But I remember vividly how my heart raced
I’ve long misplaced the time I first loved you
But the memory of that moment, and how I felt sticks by me constantly
I really couldn’t tell you when we had our first date
But I can tell you that I was just thrilled to be anywhere with you
Unfortunately, I am still in love with you. I know we are poisonous for one another right now. We are still sleeping together, we see each other almost daily, and yet we are not in a relationship anymore. On Thursday when I saw you with her, I threw up. My heart broke into a million pieces. Even though I know that you and I should not be together, I can’t help hoping that maybe…maybe we are supposed to still be together. I never wanted to break up anyway. Everyone on this planet has told me to stay away from you because you are not good for me. Clearly, I lie to everyone because I agree with them and yet I still cuddle with you and kiss you secretly. Fuck buddies is the definition of what we are…
I never thought that would be how I defined us. We have always been so much more than that. Since you broke up with me..twice..we have been reduced to this fuck buddy thing and I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
Why can’t you just go on loving me like I love you?
Why can’t you just move on and let me go if you don’t love me?
Why will I always love you?
Why do I see how you treat me to be wrong and yet I allow it to continue to happen in order to still be close to you?
What does this all say about me?
How do you do it? Everytime I see you I feel like I failed to impress you. My hair wasn’t fixed how you wanted it or my shirt wasn’t nice enough. I don’t even know why I keep trying. Matter of fact, why do I keep going back? I would do anything for you! I never wanted to be apart from you in the first place. I should of just waited. I never think before I act. Maybe if you would called or even texted me once a day telling me you were ok I wouldn’t have felt so abandoned. Yeah I know it was your first year of college and you had a really busy schedule. But, I know for a fact if you were thinking about me like you say you were you would of found at least 3 minutes out of your day to text me. Everyday I would check my phone constantly to see if I gotten at least message from you. I don’t want to seem crazy but in reality I am crazy about you! I was your first. You told me I was the one girl that you thought you would be with for the rest of your life. You have our necklace dangling in your face everytime you sit in your truck. Sometimes I think you love me but than other times it seems to me you don’t even think about me. I was out of your life for a good year and a half but when I laid next to you that night it felt as if we never said goodbye. I’m leaving soon. I really hope that you don’t get over me. I just wish you will show me or even tell me what you really feel because I am confused. Do you love me or not?
You’re in the shower
Naked and wet without me
I wish I could join
Love, your girlfriend who has to assemble a portfolio instead
Thank you for making me feel beautiful,
Thank you for always being there,
Thank you for staying up with me,
Thank you for the laughs,
Thank you for the sex,
Thank you for not making feel so worthless anymore,
Thank you for being you
But I’m sorry I am still having trouble trusting you. You say that kiss meant nothing. You say you care about me so much and you want nothing to happen. and I believe you, I do. It’sjust sometimes it’s her i dont trust. I know you are just trying to be a friend. but you don’t read between her lines. I like you I really do. I’m just afraid to get hurt again. I don’t want to cry, I dont want to hurt anymore. Thank you for everything, but i don’ know if i can do this all over again.
I’m writing you this because I don’t know any other way to tell you. From the first time I saw you, I knew that it would be different. I knew I would be different. I knew that with you, I would feel different, and I shouldn’t have. I should have left as soon as we met. That first time your eyes met mine…we both felt it. There was a connection that I know you felt. I’ve never been so sure of a mutual connection. But the way I feel scares me. I shouldn’t feel this for someone like you, for someone that is married. But I’ve never noticed someone like I do you. I know your walk, the way you say my name, the way you yawn, the way your body tenses when we touch. And you’ve seemed to notice…because it’s become a game. It’s the looks we give each other when people are around, the way our hands linger on one another, the flirtatious banter. We both know.
I dream about us being alone and if anything would happen. Would we give into this desire? Or would we resist. I’ve never wanted something so badly. But im afraid i’ll never be able to have you. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I want to. I’ll feel this way until I leave. I’ll never be able to look at you and not wonder “what if?” I’ll be gone in a few weeks…and will return next year. We’ve sworn to keep in touch, and to go “do lunch.” I pray we keep these promises. If I cant have all of you, i’ll take what I can get. You’ll wonder if its me that wrote this. It is. You’re beautiful. And I wish I had met you sooner.