• not myself anymore

    by  • August 30, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Dear E,

    I hate what you did to me. I feel like I can never be the same person again because you took her away from me. I can no longer be completely happy. When I’m with my friends I don’t laugh at the things that I did before. I feel so fake now. I want to be happy and I’m trying so hard but I always find myself back in the same spot, thinking to myself I should be laughing but I can’t.

    You were the first person who I opened up completely to. I never had someone tell me I was beautiful before and then make me feel so amazing. That’s why I put my guard down not realizing that you were just playing me.

    I just want to say, you were my first kiss. I wish you weren’t. I had spent years hoping that my first kiss was coming soon and that it was going to be amazing but when you kissed me I didn’t feel anything at all. That should have been my first warning sign.

    I think the fact that I actually felt like someone liked me mixed with the alcohol is what caused me to make out with you that night. The whole time though I was telling myself this is not a good idea, I do not know this guy well enough. I remember saying it out loud to you many times that night. I wish I would have listened to myself.

    That night I lost part of myself. I know it isn’t as bad as losing my virginity to you or something like that, but to me it almost feels as bad. Not only did I lose myself but I lost my best friend throughout the process as well. S for some reason believed in you and was on your side. when you didn’t talk to me for two weeks after that night, she told me that there has to be a good reason for it. When no good reason came up she still was on your side. Still today she always defends you and that really hurts me because I don’t feel like you deserve it.

    You really need to stop hitting on me when we are together. You had your chance with me and you didn’t want me. You need to let me go! You can’t look at me with lovey eyes, grab my butt or be totally sweet to me. Especially when I know that you have been texting 3 other girls. I cant do it anymore. You hurt me too bad and I am really making an effort to get over it.


    Happy birthday

    by  • August 30, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Happy birthday…..
    So this is the first time since I’ve known you that we didnt spend your birthday together. I remember you once told me that your birthday, hell your life is so much better with me there, now….now that’s not the case. You’re living life , laughing, smiling, holding your current fix in your arms, and bringing in the beginning of your 21st birthday with her. You’re a different person. I’m a different person. It breaks my heart that who we are now, makes us nothing more than familiar strangers. Well though i can’t say it to your face or kiss you and celebrate you living another year, just know, it’s in my heart…you’re in my heart. I love you……Happy 21st birthday, stranger.

    What Am I to You?

    by  • August 30, 2011 • 0 Comments


    It’s funny. We’ve gone from best friends to enemies, back to best friends, to me liking you, to enemies. But this time, I’m afraid it’s for good.

    Over these years of knowing you we’ve been great friends. It was nice that you lived down the street so I could talk to you and enjoy your company when we were both free. What happened?

    I knew you were mad at me. Oh trust me, it was obvious by the way you ignored me since the summer began. You thought you were being discrete, didn’t you? You thought that I was ignorant to the way you treated me. Well you’re wrong.

    Then when I texted you, finally you responded. But this was after your best friend told you to (after he had exploded at me in anger). You told me I had done a few things to offend you.

    Those things were in 7th grade. 7th. Freaking. Grade. I don’t understand why you don’t believe I’ve changed. But you didn’t even give me a chance to defend myself. You gave me no chance. Not one.

    So I gave you a choice. I told you that we can fix things or you can say goodbye. You chose to say goodbye.

    I’m not sure if you are hurt at all by the fact that you just walked away; but you have left me speechless and unsure of the person who I am today. So I hope you’re happy. You’ve left me in the dust and I’d like to say that I’m fine. But I think about this fight often. Every day actually. Every. Single. Day. I don’t know if I’m the bitch you say I am or the friendly person I believed I was.

    I don’t know if I’ll be able to face talking to you without exploding in anger or in sadness. But I don’t have to, do I? Because you refuse to even say a word to me other than “bye”.

    And I hate that you’ve made me second guess who I am and I hate what you’ve put me through.

    All I want to know

    by  • August 30, 2011 • 0 Comments

    So, we started talking, what 3 days ago? you had sat behind me in Pre-Calc Honors all year, barely paying attention to the teacher, and definitely not paying attention to me. You turned out to be one of the only things that allowed me to get through that class with your comments about how stupid the class (and teacher) were. Now school starts in a week and it’s been months since i’ve seen you. Yet saturday night you text me, and we start talking. you’re pretty easy to talk to and the conversation is going good. You even ask me to hang out on thursday. We make the plans and everything is going good. You even text me when you’re with your friends during the hurricane, which completely shocked me. now it’s tuesday and you haven’t talked to me since last night. which i figured might happen, but i hoped that it wouldn’t (i might have been starting to like you…). I’ve tried to contact you 3 times today and finally i just don’t care anymore, think i’m psycho, even tho i’m not, all i want to know is are we hanging out anymore or no?


    by  • August 30, 2011 • 0 Comments

    You have no idea how badly I want to tell you everything. How much I like you, how much I’m falling for you, how much I need you, how much I love you.

    But I can’t. And I don’t know why. And I hate it. I think I hate it more than you. I know how much you hate yourself when you’re so honest with me and all I can do is sit there. I feel like I lose you in those silences. You’re just waiting for me and I am waiting for myself. I feel like a bitch because I can’t tell you everything. I know that you hate yourself because you feel like I don’t feel the same way. But, I do. I do, I do, I do.

    I’m so sorry that I can’t say it.

    I don’t want you to leave.

    I like you.

    I need you.

    I want you.

    I love you.