I’m laying here, in my boyfriend’s bed (the one whose name you don’t want to know), waiting for him to return from work… and wishing it was you I’m waiting for. It’s only been three days since we said goodbye, since we shared a kiss. It’s only been two since we spoke. And yet… every moment I have alone, my mind wanders to you. You are constantly on my brain. I try to keep myself from looking at pictures of you, listening to your music and looking at your art… stop myself from thinking of you. Every morning I wake up hoping you’ll have sent me a text, given some indication that you are in as much pain missing me as I am missing you. I keep thinking about missed opportunities, praying that when all is said and done, dibs will work and I’ll have you.
But dibs never works.
We both know that.
You’ve infected my blood, seeped into my heart and soul. The venom you picked for me was very specific… and I’m scared it will never clear.
But I’m more scared it will, and you will fade from my life, as you have so many others, and I’ll once again be lost without you.
This is so painful for me. And it hurts even more that you dont show me any signs that you care even the slightest bit. you were my first boyfriend ever. and it hurts that our relationship has to end like this. I said i was sorry for what i did. and you hurt me just as much, actually you made me cry. You hurt me soooo much, yet i still wish we could be best friends or even more. every night, i should be thinking of my current boyfriend, but no. Im thinking about you. I wish we could at least talk. I wish i could see that u missed me. But i’ll never know if you do, and its killing me. Why cant we be friends? sometimes i wonder if u miss me as much as i miss you. Both of us are too afraid to show it. And every time you talk about how much you love gina, it hurts. Because even wehn we were going out, you have always had feelings for Gina. And it hurts so bad. and im not sure if i still have feelings for you, because u werent even a good boyfriend. I just wish we could still be freinds, because you were an amazing friend and i could tell you anything. and also you are soooo cute even though none of my frineds think so. I jusst want to be friends with you again! i miss you so much. i dont know how to fix this
Today I hate you.
I hate that you are letting this go
letting us go
letting me go.
I’m a bad person.
You’re actually quite lovable.
I just hate that you don’t love me enough
to keep me from feeling
like I don’t matter
I’ve often wondered how my life could have been if I was born to different parents, a different location, or a different me. I often wonder what you think of me, no longer beside you laughing and enjoying the days I have long buried in my mind. Sometimes I see couples and how happy they are and why I cannot have that any longer. I had recently dared to express my love to someone, knowing full well it would be never mutual. Now I can’t even face her or speak to her and have emotionally removed her existence from my very thoughts.
As I write this for all kindness I can give to another human being, why is it that I feel desolate in the end? Nice guys finish last they say but its untrue, nice guys finish alone. Looking at my fellow nursing classmates who have fiances, girl friends/boy friends, and husbands/wife’s. Then I showcase that light towards myself and I see no one beside me. Just me.
Perhaps I am too caring for other people or too cold to get to know someone. Maybe I was always meant to be different and that no one can see why I am such an enigma. People have said I was kind yet they do not wish to speak to me, never wanting to know me. And for that I became cynical, thinking I shouldn’t bother with people refusing my existence.
So I delve into my career, working day in and day out and studying my ass off to become a good nurse. Compassion for the helpless and my patients in nursing is what is keeping me going. It keeps me feeling alive. Perhaps I should settle in towards the fact that no matter how many women come in and out of my life and inspire me to write letters such as this, I can’t help but feel alone.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to be loved but to just give it to others who need it more then I do. I keep awaiting for that day my maiden comes to me and fills this emptiness I have felt, the cancer that is eroding a good man now but perhaps no longer if this continues.
How is it that I can be capable of saving others but not myself in the process…
I really don’t like that we haven’t had a normal conversation in over a year. And I mean… I guess it makes sense, considering we used to be best friends and boyfriend/girlfriend. Not to mention… I really don’t like the way that relationship ended. I honestly am not sure WHY things ended and if they were because of that other guy… I swear to you I would have never cheated on you with him. Sure there were times in our relationship when we would get bored but never to the point where I would give myself to someone else. I really cared about you and well I still do. And maybe not in the same way…but I’m confused about how you feel. Sure we’re in high school…but I mean you told me you loved me and said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me….and I guess the second part of that was a little far fetched but still!!!!!! Maybe you’re embarrassed to talk to me. I’ve reached out to you time and time again since the breakup but you really just seem to have no interest in speaking to me ever again. And well that really sucks because I’ve never had a closer friend then you my dear. Even today when I sit in the same class as you I know exactly what your gestures mean and I understand your tone and the things you say when you speak. It’s just difficult…I’m sure in certain aspects it’s difficult for you too. But what I mostly don’t understand is how you stayed friends with the guy that you thought I was going to cheat on you with. You and I were much closer then you and him will EVER be. And now… that boy and I will never have our same friendship back because he’s scared to. He doesn’t want you to get upset at him. Whatever I’m just getting myself upset now. I’m sorry. All I want from you is for you to come to your senses and just have a conversation with me. All I want is a normal conversation with you and then maybe nostalgia will take you back to our friendship.
I don’t want to say bye
This is so hard for me to say but I suppose it needs to be done, and it’s been a long time coming.
I think I might love you. I know, you’re probably reading this and hating me as you do.
When we kissed I panicked, I did not want you to be that guy that helps me get over someone else. You mean so much to me, and I wanted to make you my everything. I just wasn’t ready and I was quite frankly scared. You told me you loved me only a year ago, I wonder if that’s changed.
I’m not sure what our love is, and I’m frightened by that. I want to know how I feel but it’s so confusing for me, let alone for you. I was selfish, and I’m selfish in writing this now. I messed you up, and I regret that every single day.
Now you’re with someone else, I just have to deal with it and accept that I’ve lost my chance. I wish you all the best, have fun and be happy. If you’re ever around, call me. I’ll always be there.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me for what I have done.