I am not who anyone thinks I am. I am secretive, lonely, and sometimes depressed. Yet everyone believes I am so happy all the time. They think I’m fierce, girls look up to the way I handle guys. I don’t do relationships, because I don’t do commitment. “But why?” they ask? Not because I can’t make up my mind, but because I was hurt as a younger child, and men now scare the hell out of me. Because I opened myself up to a relationship, and he screwed me over. In both senses. I thought he truly loved me, it was only a game for him. I know I am attractive, in fact, I know I can be quite beautiful, but that helps with nothing. I am not a strong powerful woman, I am a weakling, who can’t say no for fear of making others unhappy. I’d rather look like the dumbass than call someone else out for it. Yet no one sees that side of me, ever. I am the sarcastic hard ass, always willing to stand up to someone, if only to say I would. And now I have found someone I really like, and low and behold, he is the player of players. and guess what I did? I gave in. Have I lost it all? He’s talked to me since then, but only for me to come over. I said no, hoping to gain respect, but it may be too late. God, why do I screw up everything in my life. Why am I so fucking average? Why can’t I be strong for once? Let someone in who won’t tear me to pieces. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be fixed? Why can’t I be the girl everyone thinks I am?
You were never nice to me. You were mean, rude, wouldn’t talk to my parents, and hurt me all the time when we dated. I gave you the nickname butterfly because of how much that meant to me, and you ruined it. I started to hate after you broke up with me, and I’m not sure whether I loved you in the first place or not.
I’m now with the girl of my dreams. She treats me perfectly, I can talk to her about anything, she is especially outgoing with my family, and her family is amazing to be around. I truly love every single thing about her.
I have this amazing girlfriend and somehow I have still gone to your profile nearly every day since we broke up such a long time ago. I always think about you and get nervous when we pass in the halls, without speaking, hoping maybe you’d talk to me. I don’t have any feelings for you, and I’d never date you again, but I still get nervous when you’re around me.
I believe that love never dies, and that love happens once in a lifetime. The feelings I have for my girlfriend are 100% true love, and won’t end for me. What I felt for you was not love. It was interest. Somehow I can’t shake that curiosity, but soon you’re going to fade away from my life and I’ll be better because of it.
You’ve taught me so many things, and made me a stronger person. After everything we’ve been through and all of this time since we broke up, I’d like to say only one thing to you: Thank you. Thank you for teaching me that I only need myself to be happy. But most importantly, thank you for breaking up with me. You opened my life up for the greatest opportunity of all: true love.
Everyone deserves a secpnd chance right? The thing is I can’t forget about the things you have done to need this second chance. Actually this is not a second chance it is your fourth chance. The first time I met you my best friend told me not to talk to you, but I didn’t listen. The thing is that I did. I fell for you the first time I talked to you, but you did not. That’s when you just left me in the dust. So I figured we were over and we wouldn’t be anything. So I gave up. That is when you came back after your decision turned out to be the wrong one. I gave you another chance, yet you did the same thing. Then after that decision was also the wrong one you came back yet again. I, being stupid and naive, gave you another chance. Then you left again. This time I believed it was 100% over. I thought there was no chance of us every being together again. Then your decision was wrong again…shocker. So now I’m stuck here giving you another second chance. I want to believe that this time is different. I really do and I think that it is. The thing is that I am afraid that it was end up with you leaving again. If I fall and you aren’t there to catch me, what am I supposed to do? SO I don’t know. You say you have changed. I believe that you have. I just don’t know how much you have changed. I just don’t know…
It was stupid to say. I know it. I knew it the moment I opened my mouth. It was meant as a joke, but maybe you are right. Maybe there was an underlying meaning in it that I needed to get across. I’m sorry. It wasn’t worth saying, even as a joke.
I miss you.
I hope this will meld into the memories we have together, that one time your stupid girlfriend opened her mouth and inserted her foot. Tomorrow, I will find out.
It’s a mixture of hope and dread.
You think you know how I feel about you, but I’m not sure you realize the extent of it. I think about you pretty much every moment of every day. I dream about you, and when I wake up and you aren’t lying next to me, my heart drops for a moment. I still get a thrill when you look at me, I hope it never dies. I love the silly little language we’ve made and the tentative future plans we have. If I can, I will make them reality. I love the trips we take, the places we go. I love all the stories your friends tell me about you. I love that you know my darkest secret, and yet you love me anyway. And the way you are with kids just makes me smile. I love how you think it’s your duty to stock the fridge with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream for me, and I even love the way you yell at cars in traffic. You mean more to me then I think you know.
I love you.
I want to be in love with someone who is in love with me. Truly in love with me. I would say that I just want someone to love me, but I have that, and that’s not what I am talking about. I want to be in love with someone who thinks about me everyday. Someone who smiles at the thought of something stupid I did, someone who gets a little hard at the thought of me. Someone who will text me goodmorning and goodnight. Someone who will go on adventures with me. Someone who wants to show me off. Someone who can spend the day in bed just snuggling. Someone who truly loves me. Not the idea of me or what I might become, but me. Someone who gets me and who understands that I’m a little messed up. Someone who knows that I have trust issues, which leads to my commitment issues. Someone who understands the phrase “I’ll give you my love but not my heart,” at least not yet. I want that kind of love. I’m tired of random boys, random hook-ups, random crushes. I want love. True love. Find me that guy.
Fuck you. You’re the one who hurt me…remember that.