• I feel like nobody knows the real me.

    by  • December 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Honestly though. I have one of the closest and most amazing direct and even extended families that I know. I have 4 truly unbelievable and amazing friends that would do anything for me. I have other friends that aren’t as great, but they’re still there if I ever did want them. Yet I still feel SO insanely alone.

    For some reason, I pride myself on being hard to get close to (physically and emotionally), hard to understand, hard to communicate with. I know it sounds so stupid and immature but I think a big reason of why I do that, is because I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m waiting for that perfect guy to come along and change me, make me a better version of myself.

    In reality, I’m so lost. I feel hopeless. I have no direction. I feel like a loser. I’m only 18, I have tons of time to find my perfect guy and I know that…but ever since my older sister has found hers, all I EVER seem to think about anymore is finding and having my own.

    Another big factor to my desire is I had a guy I was talking to for quite a few months before my sister and her fiance got engaged, and after that ended for me, I think since I knew what it was like to have that ‘boyfriend’ in my life I didn’t want that feeling to end.

    I feel like nobody knows the real me, I put on a front for everyone, I have so many things to tell that I’ve never told anyone before, but nobody to tell them to. And not anything drastic, just like how everyone in my life thinks I hate being touchy feely, when in reality when theres a guy I like, I can’t pry myself away from him for a second.

    Here’s my big dilemma: Because I’m such a hopeless romantic, I feel like if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I feel like the perfect guy will come along and he’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more. But I won’t do any work to find him or put myself out there. Ugh I’m just annoying and frustrated with myself.

    GAH someone save me from the harsh words I create about myself in my mind that I can’t seem to stop thinking and feeling.

    Why does it matter so much?

    by  • December 15, 2011 • 4 Comments

    One thing I absolutely hate about myself: Every single person’s opinion matters to me. Literally, everyones! Whether it be my mother, sister, brother-in-law, best friend, acquaintance, enemy, stranger….Everyone! And it doesn’t help that I have to overanalyze and over think every aspect and situation of my life.

    Seriously, it makes my life so much more stressful and difficult than it needs to be or even more than it really is. I’ve grown up so much in the past few months, but this is one trait I can’t seem to get rid of. Will I ever be as carefree as I pretend like I am via FaceBook and Twitter?


    by  • December 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    I’ve had enough of you treating me with little to no respect.
    You hit me when I tell you to stop as I don’t find it funny, often put me down and show disdain for me, you talk constantly and rarely listen.
    You always agree to meet me at certain times, then after i’m already on the way/ already there you text me to say you will be late, leaving me to wait an extra half hour or so.
    And when I tried talking to you when I was about about jump of a bridge your response was on the lines of “stop texting me”

    You probably don’t know how upset I am with you, or just don’t care.
    So i’ll just stop talking to you, doubt it will hurt as bad as when your other friends have done it to you but at least I wont have to put up with your shit.

    To My Best Friend in the Wide World (Girl to Guy)

    by  • December 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    I wish that I had the guts to tell you this to your face.
    I feel like I can tell you anything so this is what I’ve been dying to say, I love you.
    I don’t know how else to say it. I feel as though you made me complete. Before I met you I didnt believe that life could be so passionate. All the love songs on the radio made no sense to me. I questioned it “How can you possibly think that you need another person to be happy?”
    Then I met you. And I understood. You speak of her and how you have them in bed with you and it saddens me. I protect myself and tell you that it’s cool and whatever “floats your boat” but in reality it’s killing me. I go out with guys and I immediately think of you and how my life would be if I had the guts to tell you.

    You make me happy like no other person has. You make me think of life, and live and all the other fuzzy things I used to hate. It’s amazing. I used not believe in love, but every damn time I hang out with you, I hear Taylor Swift songs playing in my head.

    I know I won’t ever tell you anything. But know I am always here for you… even when you gamble your money and heart away. I’m just a girl hanging out with a guy in hopes that he will realize that I am here …ready for love.

    Stupid, stupid, stupid

    by  • December 15, 2011 • 1 Comment

    stupid,stupid,stupid. When will I learn? Embarrassed, hurt & having to be silent. Trying to remember that it will ease and I’ll have grown my heart a little more. It’s not mine to judge and it’s just sad…I should have known I wasn’t the one…
    Now to find someplace I can cry by myself to ease the pain a little.


    by  • December 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Twinkling eyes search shop after shop wondering what types of special gifts can be bought for that special someone. Men and women hard at work in eager anticipation of the holiday season that is fast approaching.

    Many homes are decorated with festive decor and xmas lights that far out sparkle the shimmering stars above. Some dream of snuggling down on the old comfy couch while relatives gather around to tell stories and open presents. Others wonder if their dream will come true… just this once… this xmas. It’s my favorite type of holiday season. The anticipation of baking christmas cookies with mom, and hearing dad hum Oh Holy Night frequently during the day, my brothers going in and out of the house as they jet off for another secret shopping mission.

    To me it’s more than just about the presents, or praying for snow and excitedly discovering that there was a blizzard on Christmas Day. It’s more than the xmas cards that come filtering in that the fire place is overloaded and we have to start taping them to the side or finding empty counter space to set them all up, or even little boxes to store them.

    To me Christmas is more than taking down a hundred boxes full of ornaments that Dad and Mom bought for all of us kids for each year and hanging them on the tree. It’s more than the laughter, the familiar Christmas programs (where you often see someone who knows somebody else who knows somebody else) and we all come together to enjoy the music and picture that one day when He came as a little baby.

    To me Christmas is more than being pushed into the snow by my brothers and pretending to hate every moment, especially when I happen to actually hit them with a hard packed snowball. It’s more than sitting down and writing xmas card after xmas card to friends and family knowing that they will be glad to hear from us.

    To me Christmas is about coming together, appreciating those I love dear, and telling them how much I love them. The wonderful thing about this holiday season is that it can go all year round. I don’t have to wait to tell my family how much I love them, and I don’t have to wait for the snow to fall to experience a great xmas.

    I can’t wait, because in a couple of weeks we will be off to Florida. Never spent time in a very warm place for xmas, but with seasons come change. But one thing remains in our family and that is that we will always be a family…whether far or near…it’s love.

    That being said I’m off to a crazy weekend and looking forward to making more special memories with my family soon. Kicking away the egg nog, white christmas (although the movie itself will definitely be playing no matter where I am at much to the displeasure of the men in our family haha), and putting on some flip flops and bathing suit.

    Who says it has to be bitter and cold at winter time. Lol!