I know right now you are drinking.
You don’t have school tomorrow, therefore you are drinking.
Even though last week you got your stomach pumped.
Even though you got suspended.
Even though you almost died.
You supposedly come to class drunk. You supposedly can’t come to choir on time because you are sleeping off your hangovers. I don’t want these things to be true.
Is life really that horrible? Is the peer pressure really so bad that you will drink so much booze that you black out?
I know I haven’t said more than three words to you, but you are an amazing person and I don’t want you to leave us so soon.
Please stop drinking.
A concerned bystander.
I’m sick of people referring to you as that black guy I’m dating. You’re more than that. If people didn’t remind me all of the time honestly i think i’d forget. You’re my boyfriend, you’re my shoulder to lean on, you’re the one who can tell what i’m thinking when i don’t say anything. We broke boundaries and we won’t apologize for the contrasting colors of our skin. I want people to know your name, not what you look like. I want people to know what your real hobbies are, and not the ones that they stereotype you to.
Welcome to the 21st century. I thought that we got over racial differences during the civil war. Our generation has learned from our past generation’s mistakes, and we are making leaps and bounds to move away from the past. To grow stronger.
So when my friends’ parents don’t approve of my relationship, so when we get hard glares in public, and even when my best friends let me down when they don’t understand how we could be together- I thank you. Thank you for staying with me even if the racial differences make it hard. Thank you for standing up for us when people point out our differences (as if we didn’t already know). But most importantly, thank you for loving me even thought we’re polar opposites, both on the inside and out.
My physical appearance had never given me more grief until the day I met you. I’m not gonna lie; I think we’re awesome together. I think we get along like a house on fire, and that’s just the worst part. Every day I just want to beg you to do something to make me like you less. Show me a disgusting flaw or some awful habit. Be meaner! Give me something! I can’t stand it anymore. You’re just too awesome. You’re not perfect, but it’s kinda like you’re perfect in your imperfections kinda crap. You’re not the first boy I’ve ever liked, but why do you have to go and make everything different. I have a routine. I see boy. I like boy. I get to know boy. I don’t like him anymore. It works. It’s always worked. But now you’re in my life and I get to know you better every day. And every day I get to liking you more. Gosh darn it if the only thing that’s holding me back is my body. I know things don’t always work out after a confession. I know that people get rejected and life goes on blah blah blah. But I feel like I COULD take that chance!! If only I were prettier, skinnier, better!! I feel like I’d have a chance with you, we get along so well. Maybe I’m totally off, cuz you are a really nice guy. Maybe you get along with everyone like this, but I sure don’t. You know how good looking you are, you HAVE to have people telling you all the time. How can I help but be insecure? It just all sucks really. I know when I move back to CC after spring semester, I’m gonna miss you like crazy.(HELL! I already miss you every weekend) I’ll probably cry, but I’d never admit that to anyone. I’ve never wanted someone to stay by my side as much as I want you. I want to talk to you all the time! About ducks and cats, your sheep, our lame math teacher, anything!! Talking to you has always come so easy, and that just amazes me to the point of a headache (and heartache). Being near you is too easy, and sometimes I wish I had to confidence to be there. To try for something more, but I know you’d never go for it. That’s one of those things that you’re not supposed to admit, that you’re always supposed to hope, but…it’s pointless. I’m not the gorgeous girl you deserve, no matter how hard I could try. And that just breaks my heart. Maybe in my dreams I’ll be a tall skinny blond and I’ll meet you there with nothing to hold me back.
If I ever experience anything close to emotional agony, getting to know you just might be it. The first time I ever saw you, I decided to keep my distance. My slight inferiority complex and past experiences made it wise to stay wary of attractive people, and at first glance you were nothing short of ruggedly handsome. No, I would stay away from you, saving myself from any grief. But every Tuesday, I would watch you. I couldn’t help it. You’d always stand in one corner or the other, legs apart, arms crossed with what I perceived to be a scowl on your face. I spoke with your sisters quite often; they were a lot of fun. I think that’s what gave me the courage to finally ask your name. I was sure you’d be very curt, short, or rude, but you weren’t and that made me want to smile. You did mumble your name, but it wasn’t an impolite mumble. That’s when I decided that you might just be a bit shy. That’s something I can understand. At this point, my feelings were merely curiosity but I was still determined not to like you. The last thing I will ever need is a hopeless crush. Sometimes you’d be my dance partner and it was SO HORRIBLY AWKWARD. Holding hands and the stupid twirling, was so uncomfortable. But over time it grew to be tolerable. We’d mess up and laugh. Make jokes. It was entirely TOO fun to be square dancing. I almost looked forward to it. I don’t really know when it happened, but I started to get a wee bit excited when you’d stand next to me, I’d be somewhat envious when you danced with someone else. I felt ignorant. I wasn’t going to like you. I wasn’t going to let myself. I tried so hard not to read into your actions. How you’d notice my rings and other things. It was foolish really. Then it happened. I realized that I did like you. I’d gone and done it. SO STUPID. From there I went through a stage of denial which was a total waste of time. I couldn’t deny how often I would think of you or how my whole week would revolve around the few hours every Tuesday that I’d get to see you. I finally came to except it. I didn’t deny it anymore, but I DID ignore it. Dwelling on you would get me nowhere and I knew it. I liked you, but that’s all it was. I wasn’t going to come chasing after you and eventually the feelings would fade. That’s what I’d always done in the past and it was always effective. When I went to your grad party and met the girl you had your eye on, and saw the other pretty girls that surrounded you, I thought that was good for me. I thought it would make me realize how far away I really am from you, but it didn’t help one bit. It just hurt. In my mind, I never really measure up to anyone I’m drawn to. I never suit them, and I come to terms with that. My feelings wither just as fast as they grew. No harm done. I don’t understand why that won’t happen here. Why do I still like you? Where am I finding this glimmer of hope that is probably only an illusion? WHY? This hurts so freaking bad!! I’ve NEVER felt so inferior and worthless around anyone else in my life! You’re so kind and funny! For heaven’s sake, you want to be a VET! There is no reason on this earth for me to dislike you. I can’t find any fault of yours to dissuade me of these stupid feelings. The only problem here is me. If I were prettier, skinnier, smarter, more athletic…BETTER! If I were better, then maybe I could feel worthy of ever telling you how I feel. It makes me so angry. I’m frustrated. Why does this have to hurt so much? I feel like my chest is going to collapse. Why do I have to be myself instead of someone more suitable? Why can’t I get past you like I did everyone else? This is a borderline hopeless obsession. I’m sorry. I don’t love you. Luckily, I’m not that extreme. Just for once in my life I really wanted to have my affections returned and it just so happens that you’re the one I feel the most insecure around. It’s almost ironic, really. Maybe, if you stopped being so darn cute, I’d feel better about all this. I wish I could stay around you longer. I wish you could give me time to change. I could make myself better if I knew you’d wait for me. But that’s purely wishful thinking. As much as these ridiculously sappy feelings bother me (and probably you), your friendship means the world to me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, not even the cutest cat on the planet. So, all I can say now is that I hope the time we have left is fun and carefree, that when I move back to Calvert County permanently I won’t miss you too much. All I can really ask is that you don’t hold these feelings against me. I know it’s awkward. Think of how I feel admitting all this crap! It’s mortifying, but it needed to be said. All that aside, I like you. As agonizing as I might make it sound, I’ll survive. Maybe I’m supposed to be learning some life lesson here, but all I’ve come to realize is that my ideal person does exist, and even second best to you will be grander than I can imagine. So, next Tuesday, do me a favor. Grab my hand and dance with me, just like you always do.
Dear Haylee, (you better know who the fuck this is.)
because of you calling me fat, i’ve decided to make a change to that. it’s been 2 months, and i went from 125lbs, to about 112lbs. I feel awful and disgusted about my body image till this day. I can’t believe you had the balls to say that to such a self conscious girl, have some respect about who you’re talking about… Look what you’ve done to me. You mind-fucked me, i feel fat all the time. I don’t eat because of YOU. It’s been a struggle with food, but i’ve learned that i can and I WILL prove you wrong, you little bitch. I’m not going to be fat anymore. One day, I will come to school and your jaw will drop. You will see what you’ve turned me into… a sick, young woman who was already struggling with her image before you came along. Once again, I cannot beleive what you have done.
And because of you, I’m afaid of the smell of food, worrying if im going to give in and eat all i can. I’m afraid I will never find love because he isn’t satisfied with my body. I’m terrified of accepting the fact i fit into a size 1. i want to be a size 00, and my goal is to be 95 pounds by the end of this month… because of you.
I won’t be fat anymore, i promise.
so fuck you.
fuck all of this.
i’m one of those girls who has an awful feeling about her body due to JUST ONE bitchy girl who had called me fat before. 6 months laters, i get told all of the time im too skinny, and i dont feel like it. but before this image… i was never this small.
i keep setting goals for myself in which i say “i will be __lbs by the end of this month”, blah blah blah.
i was 130, i am now 110, i want to be 95 pounds by the end of THIS month… i need to be skinny. once i reach my goal, THEN you can tell me i’m skinny.
until then… don’t tell me i am skinny.