It all is ending and he is excepting it. So why does it hurt so much that he just gave up, and is okay with it? Why is it okay to give up the fight and not even try, even if it’s from a distance? Who is this person? I woke up one morning 3 years ago and asked myself that question as he was laying beside me. He’s been asking himself that question all of his life… who am I?
Where did we lose ourselves? How did he suddenly become this monster who treats me as though we are already strangers and splitting everything up? Have you ever been there? Do you understand? I don’t. Too much pain to describe. Too much numbness to feel anything. Too much shock at the things he said tonight that will haunt me.
Why am I angry tonight? Why do I have to find an explanation for why things are falling apart. It just is. If I could give a magic pill to him to care for me then I wouldn’t give in. No. I don’t want a magic pill. I don’t want to know that it was forced. I want to know that it was real. That all of this was real… that he loves me. All I want to do right now is just yell, “Show me!”
How could someone so loving, so caring, turn out to be so hard feeling and cold? Where is the compassion? Where is the love that once traced his face? The memories and our big day seem so far away right now. If I look even for a bit it blazes across my hazy mind like a T.V. screen does when it’s lost its connection.
I said goodbye. He said goodbye. We shook hands in the dark. It was surreal. So where was the dramatic music that would pull us all together in a heated embrace and plead for forgiveness? There was none. It wasn’t a movie. It was real. I feel lost. I know I’m not alone, but I feel lost.
I want those precious days back. Where he looked at me in a different way, where he couldn’t wait to just spend time with me, where he told me that he loved me and really meant it not only with his words but with his actions, where we promised each other we would grow old together. I miss it already and I haven’t even left the house yet.
Tonight he fought for sleep. Tonight I fought for us. Is this what you always wanted? Did you give up on us on me a long time ago? Why do I feel that no matter how many questions I ask or how much I try to understand it wouldn’t help bring you back to who you were when we brought our lives together.
Tonight he talked about who would get the car. Who cares! I don’t want the car I want love, to be loved by you. That’s all I want. You can keep the car. You can keep anything you want, but don’t stop loving me. Yet, as I say this reality sinks in because I’m beginning to realize that you don’t love me anymore. Heck, maybe you never did in the first place.
You don’t have to start all over again. I do. I know where I’m going, but I don’t know how I will get there. The most shocking thing to me now is that the only thing that holds us together now is a piece of paper. A piece of paper and that’s it.