• To an almost love.

    by  • August 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    This entire letter may seem cliche. Hell, saying that is even cliche now.

    But you broke my heart.

    I knew I was taking a big chance by letting myself like you. Nothing was in our favor, but I thought we could get past that. I do believe that you did feel the same for me.
    But one day everything changed.

    I thought we still could have a chance. And I thought you felt that way too. Apparantly I had thought wrong the entire time.

    You told me almost everything I wanted to hear, and I know that you meant it in a genuine way. But you can’t say the things you did and not follow through. I can’t say that you led me on, because you did feel the same, you just moved on sooner than I did.

    I honestly at one point thought to myself “I love this kid”. I fell for you hard.

    I tell myself everyday that I’m over you, I think I keep saying it in hope that I’ll believe it.

    I am slowly healing, but it’s taking longer than I thought. You we’re my best friend, and I could tell you anything. I’m glad that we’re friends again now, and I hope we can be best friends again. I also hope that someday I can tell you how I truly felt. I don’t know if I ever will though.

    I have good days, and I have bad days, some days I actually believe I’m over you, and other days I just sit and think about how lonely I am.

    In the back of my mind I still know how perfect we would be, and believe that it could happen someday. But I’m not letting myself think about it. Right now, all we can be as friends. As much as I wish it could be more, I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all.

    I don’t know what more I can say. There’s not much that I can. I know that whoever you end up with is going to be so incredibly happen. You did hurt me, but it wasn’t your fault. You’re truly a great guy and I hope that there will still be a chance for us someday…

    Chances

    by  • August 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    They’ve said that we’re the male/female equivalant of each other. and I believe it. do you see it? I honestly just wish you’d give me a chance. If not that then just talk to me. I miss all our conversations. Maybe I just need to wait for the right time and everything will just fall into place? I don’t know…

    And the other day, you called me ‘dear’ I don’t know what you meant by it but when you said it, my stomach did flips, but on the outside I played it as cool as I could. I wonder if anyone else or even you had caught what you said? What did you mean by it? I want to ask you but there is NO way I can bring it up without bringing up other stuff.

    We have a lot of the same interests, and we even act very similar. We’re even going to the same school in a few years. Just looking at your face makes me want to smile. And I can be myself around you and joke around and you laugh at a lot of stuff I say. am I just reading into this too much?

    I just want to talk to you…

    Love the Way You Lie

    by  • August 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    J,

    I have no idea where to start. When we met we got to know each other so fast. It felt like I had known you forever. You opened up to me right away. I felt for you, I connected to your words, with my soul, my heart. We grew closer and closer. You always asked me for advice about her. You told me all the ways she wronged you. It went on and on. I knew you weren’t over her. I lied to myself so hard. But what we had I thought was worth it. I should have known when you accidentally texted me saying you loved me, that you had a dream about me and that I was running through your mind, when you meant to send it to her. We talked the next day and I told you how I felt. I still don’t believe that text was sent to me by accident, you wanted me to see that you still loved her. And I did.

    Then you told me you stopped talking to her. I wanted you. I never care enough to want a boy. Im just fine without them. Why was it different with you. It wasn’t about wanting something I couldn’t have, because I still wanted you once I had you. Maybe it was the words you spoke to me. So sweetly you spoke, and that is what I remember most. The way you looked at me, into my eyes. How was that not real. Why go to such an extent just to deceive me, to get back at her. I don’t believe that’s all I was, I cant. She couldn’t see the way you look at me. Or was that just you deceiving me. Gosh I thought I could see into your soul through those eyes. That’s why its so hard to believe you are this person that you seemed to be in the end. Or are you just lying so I can move on. It doesn’t make it easier either way. GOD the way you looked at me, the way you stopped to stare at me when you were with me, and shook your head. I don’t know what was going on in your mind, but I loved it. The way you touched my face. When we were together you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. The way you held my hand. It felt so perfect. The butterflies I got, the way you left me breathless after each kiss. The way i teased you and you teased me. You said I like you over and over again. I believed you. I still do. You told me you were falling for me, you couldn’t get me out of your head. You dreamt about me.

    It had been so long since I gave a boy a chance. When I did, I took a chance myself. And I was happy. I really was. For a short time. And everything happened so quickly. The highs were high. But now that this is done the lows, well they are low. You kissed my hand. I kissed your scars. My heart swelled for you. I was so happy I cried. It hurt to care that much. I think you were trying to get over her. And I know you were using me to help that, but I was okay with it, because you were trying. Ive been in love before and I know that it might not be possible to love someone with every bit of yourself. And I was okay with that. I thought I was the reason you were trying. Maybe I was wrong. But I knew what I deserved. I didn’t want your whole heart. But I wanted what was left, and not to have to share it. You turned me and her against each other, no wonder you didn’t want us to talk. Im just thankful God opened my eyes before I got in too deep. I don’t have to ask why, although I still wonder. Maybe it was God’s way of showing me that I do need love, and that it’s okay to open up. Being that happy has the price and vulnerability of being this sad. But it is worth it. It is. You made me remember what It felt like to fall for someone, and to care so much that is caused me pain.

    But ultimately, you will always let me down, and I don’t know what the truth was with us. And I may never know. I still miss you sometimes, us, what we were, whatever it was. In the good times, they are what I think about, what makes it so hard to let go, to move on, to forget. That is what I miss. I don’t know who you really are. If you are who I fell for or just an empty boy putting on an act. But I stil miss what we had. And I will for a while.

    L

    Walkingby

    by  • August 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    I’m staring at that one picture I have of you on some stupid photo viewer thing, thinking of you and wondering if any of it was ever real. You look as ridiculous as you intended to look in the photo, with a huge drunken smile plastered on your face. I should probably delete this photo because I’m never going to see you again, but I don’t know if I will. I don’t care if the memories are drenched in alcohol or if we were sort of messed up or even that was months upon months ago (I really should have deleted it by now) and that I was probably too much and that things still felt confusing after. I should move on, and I have in a lot of ways (would you be proud? I don’t know), but my stupid heart doesn’t always listen to my head. Some nights I’m still just stuck with how I felt, which you never put down (which was nice) but never really embraced either. I can’t imagine you contacting me (though you’ve done things that have shocked me before, in a good way), but a pathetic part of me still hopes that one day our paths will cross again. Maybe these feelings will fade with more time….

    For You

    by  • August 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Hey. I really hate it when you smoke. It makes you… not you. Please don’t. I want you. Not the high you, not the almost-sober you, not the you that I have to put up with. I want you.

    Always on My Mind

    by  • August 15, 2011 • 0 Comments

    W-

    Even though it has been almost 2 years since the day that we stopped being friends, I still think about you everyday and wonder if I ever cross your mind. My thoughts always wander to the night that I told you I was drunk and fooled around with guys at a party, when I only made it up to impress you after you had pulled a similar line months earlier.

    We weren’t in a relationship, although from the amount of time we spent conversing it seemed like we were. After that night, everything changed between us and I could tell I was losing you. The dynamic between us just changed, but the worst part was when you were going through a really hard patch and wouldn’t let me in. I tried to be patient and wait, but somwhere in the middle I realized it wasn’t me you didn’t trust- you found someone better.

    I was angry for a long time that you stood me up when he passed, because even though I know that was difficult for you, the fact that you didn’t have the decency to even tell me you couldn’t make it, or apologize afterwards killed me inside. The last straw was the night of the musical, where after weeks of our strained friendship, I finally thought we could make up. I saved you a seat, but when you walked up with her on your arm, infront of all my friends, and said you were sitting somewhere else, broke my heart. Honestly, it did. The combination of it being her of all people, and infront of our friends, was too much. The hours I wasted crying and waiting for that apology to come made me hard inside, and everything I had told you about my trust issues and depression became even worse.

    It was hard to come to school everyday and see the 2 of you. It was even worse to hear the things I had trusted you with spread around the school. The only condolence that I had was that your then girlfriend, was a person that everyone disliked. At least you downgraded, right?

    So the rest of the year went on, and I survived. I even managed to find someone that things somewhat worked out with, but that’s a whole different letter. You and her were on and off, and in ways I pitied you because of what she did, but in others I felt like you deserved it. In all honesty, I think you did deserve it. I cared for you, I was thoughtful, kind, and honest with you. But you just took my feelings and played with them. I don’t know why I kept thinking that maybe one day you would just magically like me. I admit to being young and foolish. I still, in the back of my mind, picture the day that you will come crawling back to me and beg for my forgiveness, but I know that you have too much foolish pride to ever do that. So I will always still unwilling remember your birthday and never be able to think about Frank Sinatra the same way again, and resent you for it.

    If you ever do read this, know that my anger and bitterness has passed. Also know that, until the day you apologize, I will never forgive you for what you did. I don’t hate you, and I don’t wish anymore bad things on you, but my forgiveness is somthing you will have to earn.

    -E