• Nate

    by  • June 1, 2011 • 0 Comments

    I know I love you. I know that you are the one I am to spend the rest of my life with. You allow me to be me. I can drink. Curse. Gamble. Call out sick from work with a hangover. Do drugs. You never complain. I can be friends with my ex-girlfriends. You’re not jealous. Thank GOD. You have no reason to be. You are the first girl to show me a true relationship.

    I am 48 years old. I have lived with several women. I never thought of being with any of them for any length of time. It was easy to let them go. I never saw myself with them in my future. What is it about you? How are you able to grip on to me? You’re quiet. You don’t argue. Everybody LOVES you. You just hang. You go with the flow.

    I wish, sometimes, you would challenge me. That you would tell me “NO!” That you would tell me I’m an ass-hole for drinking too much. For doing too many drugs. For calling out sick because I’m hungover. That I spend too much money gambling. Maybe you don’t because I function. I show up when I’m suppose to. I take care of my Mom. My job is secure. I make great money.

    I hate that you procrastinate. “Nate” is my name for you. Jesus H. Keeeeeriste you procrastinate. I can’t fucking stand it. You SUCK with your finances. You can’t keep $2 in your pocket. WTF? You give everything to everyone else. The people you give to don’t give a SHIT about you. And, I can’t stand how you act all high and mighty with your “dude” skills. You’re really not that great at them. I could have put that crown molding up with no problem. And, that ceiling fan, dude you should be ashamed of yourself for leaving it that way.

    I hope we will be happy in our future years together. I look forward to building a life with you and having memories that we share and show that we (you and me) are truly a family.

    I love you Nate.

    -me

    p.s. In the near future, I will be taking over our finances. You just suck with money.

    T.H. <3 :"]

    by  • June 1, 2011 • 0 Comments

    You put hope & faith back in my life by trusting me and appreciating me. You talk to me, and you let me listen to you, and you thank me for it, and vice versa. I thought there was no one for me, that there was no guy who I would love like I used to love D. But you’re changing everything. I already feel something more intense for you than I felt with him in the four years him and I were together. I think it’s because you’re so selfless. I can’t stop smiling. I made an entire iPod playlist dedicated to how you’re making me really happy, regardless of everything else that’s going on in my life. My health problems are sucking right now, but there’s you. You every weekend, to turn to for support and a smile and caring. I never thought there’d be anyone like you out there for me. You’re so cute, with your glasses and your huge smile. And I love the way you dress, I love the way you laugh, the way you talk to me and everybody else. I remember last Saturday night when you just grabbed me out of nowhere and we started play-fighting. I love that I can be totally goofy with you and I can be serious too. You are easily knocking down the walls I built up to infinity around me in less than a week. Is this what love is like? If so, I’m never letting go of it, of you. I don’t know what will happen in the summer, when C goes to Tennessee in mid June to August, because I don’t know how I will see you. We will figure it out if this thing we have going on lasts. And I have a feeling that it will. You understand everything about me. You are SO understanding, for real, I’m not used to it. You get that I don’t like holding hands, or riding loop-de-loop rollercoasters, or doing other stuff I don’t enjoy. You don’t try to force me into doing anything I want to do, you have the utmost respect for my decisions. I adore that about you. You literally have made me cry tears of joy because you’re so ridiculously wonderful. I’m SO LUCKY that I found you. I’ve never felt this way before, it is so intense.

    This weekend when you play guitar for me, I think I’m going to have to kiss you, and we’ll watch the walls come crashing down…

    No more.

    by  • June 1, 2011 • 0 Comments

    I hate you. I hate you so much. Sure, a small part of me loves you because you are my dad, but most of me hates you. Why are you such a bigot? Everyone who doesn’t see or do things exactly like you is WRONG and EVIL. Why are you such an ass? You’ve called me a whore and a slut since before I knew what one was! Even now you still call me things like that. At this point I’ve just accepted that you’re a tool and moved on with my life, letting your comments go in one ear and out the other. But do you want to know what really hurts me? It’s that I have the opportunity to have a father-daughter dance with you, and I never will, because you think it’s EVIL and SINFUL. Do you know how many little girls have lost their dads to war, to illness, to accidents, that would give anything to have that moment and can’t because the dad is no longer alive? Do you know how it makes me feel to have a dad who is completely physically capable of doing so, but won’t because he’s such a jerk? You know, that one small moment could have changed EVERYTHING in the future our relationship for the better, but you threw it to the curb without a second thought. So I say this with every fiber of my being and mean it with every piece of my heart and soul: Go. Screw. Yourself. I do not consider you my dad, just my bigoted forefather.

    Loss for words

    by  • June 1, 2011 • 0 Comments

    “The scars of your love,
    they leave me breathless
    I can’t help but feeling
    we could’ve had it all.”

    We’ll never know, huh?
    I cared. You didn’t.
    I’ll never see you again soon enough.

    What should I say next?

    Trichotillomania

    by  • June 1, 2011 • 1 Comment

    Try saying it out loud. (I’ll give you a hint: trick-oh-til-lo-mania.)

    I’m sure to most of you, the word means nothing; in fact, the majority of you have probably never even heard of it. But it is something that I’ve been living with for seven years now and while there are without a doubt more debilitating mental disorders out there, I absolutely hate it. I hate the fact that I pull my eyelashes, eyebrows, and head hair out. I hate looking at pictures of myself from the eighth grade where the front half of the top of my head was entirely bald, and I hate rarely accepting invitations to the beach or pool – and if I do, I make sure my face is touched by water as little as possible – because water washes my makeup off. I am lucky to be at the point where the worst my head hair experiences is some thinning, but I still hate having to put on brow pencil and eyeliner every morning just to look normal.

    Many people don’t understand how it’s not possible for a trichotillomaniac to just stop if they want to and know what they’re doing is self-destructive; I might not even have understood myself if I didn’t have it. But I can’t just stop. Whenever my hand brushes against an eyebrow or eyelash or piece of hair that is not to my liking – it’s too short, too sharp, too long, too thick – I become overwhelmed with an urge to remove it from my body. Many times I argue with myself: Why do you think you need to do this? You don’t need to do this. You know you are above this behavior. The hairs are just growing in and you can only pull so many times before they stop growing back. But in the end, the urge almost always overcomes the logic, and I allow myself to pull not just one, but two or three or four or who knows how many hairs, for periods of time that can last from five minutes to over an hour. I examine the hair, feel its texture, and remove the squishy hair follicle if there is one. If it’s a hard hair to pull out, I start to feel extremely tense and anxious and cannot focus on anything going on around me until I am able to return to my room and pull it out with tweezers. I’ll pull when I’m bored, giddy, angry, sad, frustrated, stressed, when I’m studying, when I’m in class, anytime that I’m feeling over- or under-stimulated. I recently read a theory that states that trichotillomania is an individual’s way of maintaining internal homeostasis, which makes sense to me since I’m an emotional and generally active person. So when I’m emotional, the pulling puts me into a trance-like state, allowing me to tune out the overwhelming, usually negative emotion. When I’m bored or inactive, the pulling gives me a relatively intense source of stimulation. After the pulling session, however, I feel incredibly guilty and angry with myself for the damage I have done.

    I’ve been blessed to have a family who has been generally more than understanding of my condition, and a boyfriend who tells me I am beautiful even after seeing me without makeup on. I was never bullied when I was younger and didn’t think to use makeup to hide what I was lacking. For all of this, I am grateful, I promise. But even being told I am beautiful without makeup on does not prevent me from looking at my face after a shower and being repulsed and disgusted by what I see. And even though people are accepting of my condition, even though they say that trichotillomania is not necessarily uncommon, I am desperate for someone I know to understand it. I need to talk to someone about it not over the internet, but in person, I just have yet to meet someone who has it. I love my boyfriend and my friends and my family but I feel so isolated because they don’t really know what to say to me when I want to talk about, so I try to only bring it up on the days when it is really bothering me, like today. Hence why I am writing this letter to the readers of LINS. So if you got this far, I thank you immensely for reading. <3

    The problem with trich is that people still don’t know what to classify it as. Thus far it has been filed under a tic, an obsessive compulsive disorder, a mere “bad habit”, and a chemical imbalance; most recently it’s been classified as an impulse control disorder not elsewhere classified. But because it has yet to be determined exactly why people do it or which people are more predisposed for it, there is no definite treatment for it yet. I’ve been to two psychologists and a cognitive behavioral therapist without much success and yes, there have been times where I’ve gone a few weeks without pulling, but I’ve always relapsed.

    The biggest problem with treating my case, though, is something I’ve just recently realized: I want to stop… but I don’t want to stop. Does that make any sense? I hate the makeup, I hate vacuuming the floor to get rid of all the hair, but pulling feels so good. I am so used to living with its negative side effects that it’s hard for me to imagine what life would be like without it, so the motivation just isn’t there. I hate saying that, but it’s true. So I am waiting for the day I gain the courage to want to stop what I am doing to myself and pray that it won’t be too late for my hair.

    everything was perfect. so why?

    by  • June 1, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Dear You,

    I just wanted to start off first by letting you know I would have loved to say all of this in person, it’s just when given the opportunity to speak my mind out loud, I forget half of the things I want to say.

    I want to let you know I don’t have resentful feelings towards you in the sense that I don’t ever want to see or talk to you again or that I’m never going to forgive you, that’s silly and childish. Quite the opposite really. I have very strong feelings for you Blaze. I feel very vulnerable telling you this, putting myself out there in the line of fire, not knowing your feelings but I figure I might as well put it all out there anyway. It’s better to speak your mind than hold things in and regret it I suppose, so here goes nothing.

    I know it might sound silly and if I were to tell other people about my feelings for you they would tell me its only been 3 weeks and I’m silly for acting this way. Half of me wants to agree and shrug things off like we jumped into things to fast and yatta yatta. But the other half of me is telling myself that these feelings are real.

    And that’s exactly what I was with you, I was real. I was able to be myself around you, my true actual self. I never felt like I had to just put my feelings aside and just attempt to get over things that bugged me, cause if something bugged me I could openly tell you. I never had to mask my personality. I could genuinely laugh with you. I feel openheartedly, that we have a special bond.

    I personally just want a relationship with you and all the steps that come with a relationship. (And when I say that I don’t mean at this exact moment in time) I want the first stage in a relationship that contains feelings of anticipation when the phone goes off and I hope its you. The cute flirty texting like playing the question game. The going on dates and getting to know each other, and not jumping into personal issues right off the bat. I want the getting ready in my room before 8 when you pick me up and the butterflies I get walking towards you before we go on a date. Then when the date ends the kiss goodbye that lingers all night long. I never wanted to rush anything. I have no doubt we can take a step back to these things and they will be just as special. All those little things are the keys to a serious relationship, but obviously that comes with time. I know we can be at that level one day but not right now, I don’t want that right now, that’s not how things work.

    Another part that comes with my feelings for you is how much I truly respected you; your emotions, feelings, personality and concerns.

    I was willing to do nothing more than to work with you through your thoughts of doubt, or times when you needed your space. I was never trying to change you, and I really hope things never came off as if I was. I like you for you, yes that means I like your Blaze smile :) I tried so hard not to rush things or push things on you. I had no problem saying no in certain situations. So that brings me to your feelings now and how I feel about this situation. I know you said you need your time to grow with yourself and to figure things out on your own. I respect that and you deserve all the time you need. I would be selfish for acting otherwise.

    What I don’t understand is, why did this come out of the blue. I know you said you’ve been thinking about it for a while but if that’s the case why wouldn’t you have just told me? Or if this was the case why would you even pursue me in the first place. If I had known you were going to lead me on I wouldn’t have left myself so vulnerable. I never leave myself open to the possibility of so much for defeat in any new relationship. I think i’ve only felt these emotions in one relationship in my life and that was my first one. I don’t know how these emotions progressed so fast and I don’t think i’ll ever understand it, but it happened.

    You also mentioned that you do really like me and thats not the issue. However, I feel if someone really likes someone else they wouldn’t be willing to walk away from something so fast. So then I think back to that me feeling silly for liking you so much when I didn’t mean that much to you. I honestly don’t know what to think so everything that’s possible is running through my head. So I’m getting everything out of my brain.

    Also, about the texting all day it didn’t bother me that you were busy with your life throughout the day. I truly understand you need your alone time. I feel like you thought it bothered me more than it really did. I also wasn’t afraid for summer. I had “some” faith in us. But it seems to me you just want summer to be single. And single, is the word there. No sugar coating it with “self time” I just don’t know what triggered this all of a sudden and if the case was it wasn’t so “all of a sudden” why start something in the first place.

    I personally don’t think anything I could say will sway you or change your mind I just felt you needed to know where I was truly and openly coming from.

    -Annie