• I want to write another letter to you…

    by  • December 1, 2011 • 0 Comments

    … but I just can’t stomach it right now. I can’t weave together the proper words to create a tapestry with a clear image. I can’t withdraw them from the chamber of my heart because they’ve locked themselves inside and refuse to come out. They are stubborn things, these words, but I suppose I ought to grant them a rest. After all, they have been running around my mind all day. They’re bound to be exhausted.

    I guess all I’m going to say then, is that I still think about you after all these months and I miss you girl, more than words can describe (including those taking a break tonight). I just… I wish I had another chance… y’know.. to make things right. I wish I could mend all the damage I’ve inflicted and move forward with a confident stride. *sigh* I just don’t know any more. I never thought I’d ever be here, this far beneath the earth’s crust where sunlight and life are but a fading memory.

    Your love was so… real and amazing to me, and I’m holding onto it with every ounce of strength I have left because… well, nothing else can compare. I know, it sounds cliché, but it is so true. I have never felt more alone or overlooked than I have in the last several months and you made me feel so worthy and alive. This… this isn’t where I want to be Shell, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to get out of here by myself. I so dearly wish I had you by my side again to help me through, *sigh* but I think you’re really gone for good this time… Shell.. Seashell… I’m so sorry. I know sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t deserve you and you’re probably better off without me, but.. gosh, I just love you, okay? And a part of me hopes that you still love me too, y’know, the way you used to.

    But it’s too late, isn’t it? I had my chance… and I blew it. *sigh* In just another month it won’t be “months” any more. It’ll be a year. Another milestone I’m not looking forward to crossing. I hate being the sentimental type… but hell, I haven’t spoken to you in nearly two and a half months. How much more distance can possibly come between us? I have no idea how your life is going or what direction you’re headed… I can only hope and pray that it’s where you want to be headed and that you’re truly happy, or at least working your way towards happiness. At least one of us ought to be happy, right? And I think that should be you. I just wish we both could be happy.. with each other like we used to be… But lately it hasn’t been about what I want, ‘cause everything that I want has a way of escaping my grasp.

    Looks like I was able to weave together some words after all. I just wish the image were more appealing to look at…

    First Not Depressing Love Letter

    by  • December 1, 2011 • 1 Comment

    Dear You,

    I’m not writing this too late to tell you that I’m sorry it didn’t work out and how much I miss you. I’m writing you this so that if I ever do become one of those depressed girls creating an anonymous letter to my ex, then i want to read this and remember that during this time in my life, you were my everything and more. No matter what the future holds in store for us, and no matter how hard it gets, I want you to know that you will always be my best friend. Things may have changed, we may have changed but for today, you are my world. I love you so much and I don’t tell you that enough and I’m sorry.

    Although right now I’m so happy to be with you and everything is just going great, neither of us know what the future holds, and I hope that in the future we will both remember today. Remember that at this point in time, we were in love. One day things may seem really difficult, but remember, we’ve been through so much together, so something so insignificant is not worth your stress. I love you.


    This is probably too good to be true.

    by  • December 1, 2011 • 2 Comments

    Hey you,

    It’s pretty obvious we like each other. But it didn’t work out last time, and I have a feeling it’s too good to be true when you say you want it this time. Oh well. Just know that I want to be yours.

    Let’s bring sexy back together because we’re sexy and we know it, okay?


    I found you.

    by  • December 1, 2011 • 0 Comments

    To a friend.

    I had a crush on you last year. It was simple, girlish, you made me blush sometimes. You were older, you got a girlfriend, I sulked a bit and got over you. We worked on a production together, became even closer, and somewhere in late spring or early summer, ended up as best friends. I had little remnants of that crush on you, which would pop up now and again, but we talked things out. Just best friends.

    Then he died, and you were, are, my support system. It brought us even closer, and I was so thankful for you. Over the next months, we talked constantly, learning everything about each other. We both recognized how special this friendship we had was. I helped you through your hard spots, you helped me through mine. It was so wonderfully simple, to have this older best friend who could be everything I needed without a romantic attachment. We became closer than I’ve ever been to anyone before.

    And then, quite suddenly, a few weeks ago, you said something which opened a little trapdoor in my head, and I realized I had fallen, hard, for you. I knew that nothing could come of it, I knew I had to talk myself out of it, and I tried, but I couldn’t. I can’t. Here you are, the perfect person I’ve been waiting for. The person I honestly feel like I could spend the rest of my life with. I’ve found you, and you have no idea that it’s you.

    And now, I’m at a standstill. I can’t move forward. I am more and more in love with you every day, but I can’t tell you, because I cannot risk our friendship. It means more to me than anything else. You mean more to me than anything else. At the same time, I want to be best friends with you and I want to be with you. I know that things are going to change when you leave for college, but I’m scared that I’ll lose any tiny chance I might have with you without you ever knowing.
    I can’t lose you.

    I love you, and I wish someday soon you’ll realize that when I tell you that, I mean it in more ways than just the love of a best friend.
    I love you.

    I miss you more than I will ever admit to anyone.

    by  • December 1, 2011 • 2 Comments

    I miss you. I miss seeing your amazing blue eyes, and hearing your laugh. I miss walking towards you, with a huge smile on my face, and feeling like all is right in the world. I miss knowing that you will always be there for me. I miss you telling me that you love me, and that I’m amazing and beautiful.

    I regret things. I regret fighting with you. I regret that night, that I kissed that guy. I regret finding out that you slept with her in retaliation. I regret yelling at her. I regret not talking to her more. I regret not fixing things between us. I regret not waving to you that day. I regret not being for you when you needed me. I regret not fighing for me.

    I’m grateful for you. So much. You brought me out of my depression, and you reminded me what I have to live for. And in a weird way, you helped strengthen my relationship with God. I’m grateful for the opprotunity that I had to know you, and really know you, how no one had ever known you before.

    I’m sad. Some days it’s easier than others. Finding out that the girl that you had sex with, and the one that texted me on my birthday saying happy birthday, and texting me much later after telling me that you still love me, finding out that she didn’t exist. I guess she kinda did. But you were the one who told me all of those things. I’m sad that I don’t know why. I’m sad that no one knows why.

    I miss you. I love you. So much. Why did you kill yourself? January 28, 2011 you put a gun to your head. No one has any idea why. I miss you so much. More than I admit to anyone. I don’t even admit it to myself most days. It’s hard to not blame myself, but no one could have done anything… I’m so sorry. I cannot wait to see you in heaven. It won’t be for awhile. I cannot stand how much you hurt so many people. I hate even more that you were in so much pain that you felt you had no way out.

    I love you, forever and always. I think of you every single day. I want so much just to see you again. I pray to see you in my dreams, but its rare. I just wish I could have a hug. I don’t know. There’s always gonna be this hole in my heart. I love you. I miss you. We all do.

    Lingering Feelings.

    by  • December 1, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Dear B
    Though you were my significant other for a short amount of time, there is nobody who I think about more than you. Sure, you made me feel stupid and worthless and you cheated on me, but there is something about you that makes me not hate you. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. Although I am dating a friend of yours, I still feel a connection with YOU. Whenever you sit with us at lunch, I seldom talk to my boyfriend. I’m looking, listening, and wanting YOU. Have you ever noticed? My boyfriend sure hasn’t. Whenever we make eye contact, I get this feeling in my throat that I’ve never felt while looking at any other human being on this planet. When we talk, I feel the need to say witty and insightful things in order to impress you. I would give anything to have another chance to be with you, to hug you, to love you. You are beautiful in every possible way. Sure, you were rough around the edges while we were dating, but people mature after 2 years. It scares me that I haven’t been able to get over you in such a long time. I’ve had copious amounts of relationships and hookups after you, but somehow, my feelings for you still linger. I can’t describe why. I don’t know what I should do, because our relationship is completely unattainable. I wish that I could scream into your face that I miss you, and that I want you back into my life. Unfortunately, I don’t have the courage to.