• Doesn’t mean I love you any less

    by  • June 7, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Just because it didn’t last, doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less. I fell in love with you so fast and so hard. You were everything I needed, and everything I wanted. I will continue to love you till the day I die even though I know we will never work because we just can’t. I pray that someday you find the right love and peace in your life. I pray that you will be surrounded by happiness. I thank God everyday for the life I have been blessed with and that you were apart of it, even if it was not forever. In my heart, that we both find what we are looking for. Know that I am always praying and hoping for you as you continue on with your life, please don’t forget me along the way. Remember every moment and memory we had together. Never forget how much I loved you and how much I cared, because that love and kindness will always have a place in my heart for you. Because of you my heart will never be the same.

    God Bless you as you walk away with a part of my heart that I will never get back, keep it safe because it is all yours forever and always. I will think of you everyday, my one first love.

    With Love,
    What could have been…

    Hey.

    by  • June 7, 2011 • 2 Comments

    Hey.

    I just thought you should know that, I do care…A lot. It kills me to see you go down this path. I wish you were still the person I met a year ago, you were so happy, so free.

    I’m watching you change so quickly, that I can’t keep up.

    I watch your once unblemished arms become stained with blood. Every day there’s a new jagged cut running across them, one more reminder of how I’m a bad friend.

    I watch as the thing you loved moth is becoming overshadowed by a new found addiction.

    I’m watching as you, the girl with the most extraordinary laugh, spend more time crying with the blade, than laughing with your friends.

    I’m so, so sorry that I can’t do more from you. I don’t know how to help you. None of us really do, and I’m not sure if you understand that. You have to know that we want to help, because if we, if I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t be here any more. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s so hard for us too. We’re watching you destroy yourself, and there’s nothing we can do but watch.

    But I need you to understand, that I am here for you if you need to talk, but it’s killing me to help you hide things. I can’t block the view as you cover your bleeding cuts all over your legs. I can’t pretend that I don’t see the nice fresh neat row going up your thigh.

    Lastly, what he did to you…It was wrong. But you’re letting it destroy you. How you’re handling things, is not healthy.

    I want to be able to say these things to you, but I know you’d turn it around in my face. Sometimes I don’t handle things so healthily. But I don’t smother my fears in cigarette smoke, and I don’t turn each even in my life into a bloody mess on my flesh.

    Please, please, please. Look at what you’re becoming, and decide if it’s really what you want, because you may not see it, but you are falling apart. Your passion, and ambition is dissolving in front of my eyes, and I can’t stop it, only you can. I love you. So many people love you. I wish you could see it.

    Love,

    I know I’m on the back burner, but please listen to me. She may be your best friend now, but I don’t think she gets the magnitude of the problem. You NEED help.

    I don’t get it.

    by  • June 7, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Hey you.

    I’ve been doing multiple run throughs of this past semester in my head since I’ve been home. All I can figure out is… I do not get it.

    You’re not tall. You have no muscles. You spend hours on end by yourself playing guitar. You drink. You smoke. You really are not as good looking as my past boyfriends. You treat me horribly. You have a girlfriend in another state yet have a relationship with me none the less. There are countless red flags.

    But at the same time…

    You’re absolutely adorable. You can look at me for five seconds and can notice if I’m wearing two different colored socks, or if I’m wearing a different eye shadow than usual. You analyze my problems and give me advice. Your touch will literally make me smile for the rest of the day. I can watch you play guitar for hours and not get bored. You are goofy and are not afraid to be in front of me. You made me realize that what I felt for him was not love.

    What I feel for you,
    Is love.

    I adore you. I hope this lasts. And I hope that if it lasts, there is no triangle. I hope it is a straight line, one that leads right to the future.

    I hope we never grow apart, and I’m scared we easily will.

    No matter how much I think, I’ll never get it.

    I suppose I don’t need to get it.

    I suppose for once, my feelings will be enough.

    A girl can hope, right?

    Love,

    Me.

    Forever Yours

    by  • June 7, 2011 • 0 Comments

    We were friends. We were more than friends. We were lovers. Then, we were nothing.

    Now, once again, we say we are “friends”, but not in the true sense of the word. Our relationship now feels like a replicated print of a classic work of art. All the colors are there, but somehow, it lacks the same vivid nature. The once vibrant tones have now been muted, no longer holding the same expressive quality. The brushstrokes are less distinct, everything is flat. The imperfections in the texture of the canvas are gone, the imperfections that gave the work life, meaning, and truth. The paper the reproduction is printed upon has an unnatural sheen, as if the real work has been glossed over, taking away the honesty and authenticity of the painting. The image is the same, but what is lacking is the same depth, the same warmth, the same feeling of the original. You can trick the eye into believing it is the same picture, but in your heart you know better, you know it is not real. It is a cheap imitation of something that is priceless, something that can never be duplicated. A painting, when done right, is beautiful, just like the love shared by two people, but when it is destroyed it can never truly be repaired.

    We cannot go back in time, just as I cannot change the feelings I felt for you. We are not the same as we used to be and I know we never will be. I have come to peace with this fact. If we continue like this, if we continue to force this and fake it, I’m afraid I will forget how I used to feel with you, when our feelings for each other were real and filled with pure love. It is for this reason, I know I must say goodbye. And with that, and all my love, I set you free, once and for all.

    Forever Yours.

    No More Miss Nice Girl

    by  • June 7, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Dear you know who you three are,

    I give up. Why do I even bother? I try to be a good friend but no one gives a shit. You say you’ll be there.
    You say you’d love to hang out. Bullshit. If all that is true then why do you keep telling me you wanna see me but
    when the day comes you barely even talk to me.I guess you don’t have time for me.I understand you’re having trouble
    with your girlfriend, but you could at least have the decency to tell me you can’t hang out instead of just ignoring me.
    You say all these nice things to me but in the end I get stiffed.

    I’m tired of you making promises you can’t keep you ungrateful bitch. You go out with an ex of mine for the
    fourth fucking time and making excuses as to why it’s okay. I don’t give a shit about your goddamn excuses. Then when you tell me you’re seeing him you have the nerve to tell me I’m never there for you. Well maybe if you’d stop pushing me away and treating me like shit I would be there. I shouldn’t be surprised you would sink so low. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. I’m gonna laugh when he hurts you. And it’s gonna happen. Sooner or later he’ll get tired of you just like he did me. I want you to know that when it happens don’t come crying to me. Cause I’m sick of putting up with your shit. Fuck you.

    First and foremost you can go to hell. You broke my heart and then dated two of my best friends. They say better to have loved than lost than never to have never loved you. Well, the person who wrote that never loved you. You are the biggest regret I’ve ever had. You told me you loved me, you’d marry me, you’d be with me forever. Then got tired of me and threw me away. Told me you never loved me. But I was weak. I crawled back to you and you used me. Kept stringing me along for over a year. I hope to God the saying about never forgetting your first love is wrong. I want to forget you more than I want anything else in the world. So get the hell out of my life and take that bitch of yours with you. I have changed. You made me strong.

    I learned to pick myself up and move on. Why haven’t you? Why are the only other two girls you’ve dated were my best friends?

    Is it because they remind you of me? Why do you use Axe instead of Old Spice now? Is it because it reminds you of me?
    Can you not stand the smell of it anymore? Well, I don’t give a damn. You can take your bullshit apology and shove it up your ASS!

    I’m tired of wasting my time on people who obviously don’t give two shits about me. All want is friendship and this is
    what I get? I guess that just proves how fucked up this world is. I’m done. Maybe I won’t have any friends but none of you are much of a friend anyways. I’ll be better off without you. I’m done being nice when all I get for it is pain. From now on I’m first. It’s time for me to love myself and be surrounded by people who love me in return. This is my white flag, but I’m not surrendering.

    I’m moving on to bigger and better things. I think this is the best decision of my entire life. Ta ta.

    Good riddance,
    No More Miss Nice Girl

    I Hate You

    by  • June 7, 2011 • 0 Comments

    Ben,

    I hate you. Probably because never before in my life have I liked someone as much as I like you. You’re a tease, and kind of a man whore, but you’re also one of the nicest, sweetest people I have ever met. We ended up on a vacation together. With a group of 86 other people (including your mom…), even, and my heart *had* to choose you. Jerk. Before that Friday, I had never talked to you. I didn’t even know your name, even though I probably saw you every day. But all you had to do was smile at me, and I just became a mess. I was wearing gym shorts, and I had my glasses on, and no makeup. And you still talked to me and made me feel special. Asshole. When I first met you, I thought that you were perfect. Religious, and very faithful to God, but not a total prude. Cute, but not cocky. Silly, but not ridiculous. On that vacation, we spent 4 days together. We had inside jokes, and you whispered secrets in my ear. Every word you said, every move you made, I held on to in hope that what we had could turn into something real.

    And then we came back. I can count the number of times you’ve talked to me since then on one hand. It’s been three months, and there’s been nothing from you. I don’t understand how I can like you so much, when I haven’t even crossed your mind. It sucks, Ben, writing this letter. Like everybody else who does this, inside I’m secretly hoping that you’ll read it and magically fall in love with me. You won’t though, just because you’re Ben.

    I really, really fell hard for you. You’re the first boy to ever make me cry, and I hate you for that, too. If I couldn’t go back to March, and forget about you, and us, completely, I would, 100%. Screw you, Ben, for making me feel like this.

    If there was a way for us to be friends, I would take it. I just want to tell you about my crazy family, and my classes. I want to know your favorite color and your middle name. Once again, screw you.

    There’s so much I want to say to you, and you won’t let me. Honest to God, I kinda want to punch you in the face. Never before have I been so indisicive about a member of the opposite sex. This message is a mess. Maybe someday I’ll actually say this stuff to you. It won’t be anytime soon, but hopefully someday. I also hope that we both end up happy. Because I am absolutely miserable. But until then, you’re still an asshole, and I hate you.

    Kate