We’ve been together for a while, and we insinuate this, but you always say, Let’s focus on the now.
It’s completely understandable, but sometimes I just wanna talk to you about what I dream about.
How I dream of all the different ways you could use when asking me to marry you. Of seeing your face at the end of the aisle, waiting for me at the altar. Of dancing with you for the first time as your wife. Of your reaction when I tell you that we’re going to have a baby. Imagining that baby’s face, how much it’ll be like both of us, my eyes, your hair…
I think of us getting old, retiring, and just sitting around, much like we do know.
I want to tell you about all these things, but I know you don’t want to listen. You say you don’t want to because guys don’t think about that stuff, that you don’t want to think about stuff that might not happen. But isn’t that what dreams are? Part of me wonders if you just don’t want to fully invest your heart into us.
All I want is to hear you say, I dream of being with you for the rest of my life. That’s all I want.
I deleted your number. I deleted you from my Facebook.
I’m fucking you up? I have done absolutely nothing to you. You ended it. You keep doing the same shit. You keep making me think that maybe, maybe it will get better and we can go back to that, and then assuming things about me that aren’t true. Stop assuming to know me. Because I don’t think you do.
Thanks for essentially wishing that our entire relationship had never happened. I’m SO SORRY for (whoops) loving you and trying to be good to you and being patient and not getting angry and thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could feel beautiful.
I’m not angry now, but I was earlier. My friends and I were having a good time. Me, E, and C. All of a sudden, I have to puke because I decided to turn my phone on even when I said I wouldn’t. They sat in the bathroom with me as I told them pretty much everything and tried not to throw up. E stroked my hair while I explained and C talked about Russell Brand when I told them I wanted a complete subject change. You’ll say something like, “I hope they hate me. I hope you hate me.” and you should know that my friends aren’t hateful. I wanted you to know them like I know them. And you know what? I don’t hate you. I’m just so fucking tired of going back and forth and you being so fucking candid about this. I was so pissed off at you. I wanted to call you and yell at you. I wanted to text you things that I would regret later. But I just blocked your number and deleted it from my phone. It’s almost… relieving.
I don’t know what to do anymore. You’re the first guy who’s made me so, so happy in such a long time. You never fail to make me smile, whenever I’m with you I have the time of my life. You trust me enough to tell me your deepest secrets and you accept me just the way I am.
But we’re just friends. And that’s all we’ll ever be.
But I don’t know what to to. I don’t know if I love you, or if I’m just confused. I know that it will never happen, and I can dream all I want, but I know it will never come true. I want to move on, but I don’t want to lose you. And I just can’t see it happening without one or the other.
I just want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. Always. No matter what. And hopefully, one day, I’ll get over you. But until that day, I’ll just have to cope and stay strong for the both of us.
All my love xxx
I never wanted to fall in love with you. I didn’t. If we could choose who we fell in love with, our lives would be so much simpler, but life’s not like that.
I had to tell you. I had no other choice. You have no idea of the pain and hurt I had to suffer because I knew right from the very beginning what I felt for you was so, so wrong. And no matter how hard I tried to bury it, it just got stronger, and the pain got worse and worse and it was a vicious cycle with no end.
But the worst thing of all, is that you get to walk away from this scar-free. You can live your life like it never happened. I’ve got to deal with this for the rest of my days. All my relationships are going to be tainted with my fear of falling for someone again, because I’m not strong enough to fight those demons again. I don’t blame you, I can’t. You did nothing wrong, you were just you. I couldn’t stop this, I couldn’t prevent it, and now I’ve got to try and move on with my life, knowing that I’ll never truly be over you.
This is me, letting go.
You know I am in love with you, and I know you care for me….but I have to move on. Even if I come back and you still want me, the truth is that I waited for you for years. I sat around being your best friend because I was afraid of being anything less. I let you break me, listened to you talk about girl after girl because I thought that if I stuck around for long enough you would finally open your eyes and realize that I’ve been here along. Well, I guess now maybe you did…but unfortunately, one of the downsides of being your best friend is that I know you SO well. I know your past, and I know your reputation. And sure, it’s appealing to think that I could be the one who changes you – the one you settle down for…but if you didn’t want me all this time, I just don’t think I’m naive enough to convince myself that so much has changed. I could spend my entire life loving you, but I am not going to set myself up to be broken again.
So this is me, telling the world what I’m going to tell you when I come home. I’m sorry.
if you think I’m gonna stop loving you.
if you think I’m gonna stop trying to get you back.
if you think that I’m content with going back to friends.
if you think that I can move on.
if you think that I don’t care.
if you think that I DO care about the stupid things that happened.
Stop being funny and please come back?
To my Father,
What happened to the father i grew up with?
The father that would take me for long walks around the lake and make up elaborate stories with me on our journey.
The father that not only strove to answer every question about the world i asked but that had seemingly endless patience while teaching me about life.
The father that showed no embarrassment towards me, even when playing Barbies.
The father that would carry me on his shoulders and protect me against the world.
The father that would never tire of me.
The father that loved me.
What happened to him?
Just talking to you now is a struggle. (more…)
You haunt me at my weakest moments. The memories we shared are loaded into each chamber, please pull the trigger. I can’t stand these restless nights, knowing you’re fast asleep and never once have I crossed your mind. I own nothing of which you once touched; I miss you dearly, but the answers I know I’ll receive are as cold as that last night I hugged you. And for a second, you held on tighter than I did, so I grabbed you tighter one more time. I’m a sucker for mistakes; we seem to go hand in hand. I do love you, no past tense. I become something I swore I wouldn’t be, and with that transition, you were happy to never speak to me again. I wish I could just let you go, to just permanently acknowledge your existence, without a care in the world. I would love that, almost as much as I love you.