• Virgin Islands

    by  • April 16, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I have tried to explain my feelings to you time after time and it seems that our conversations always go wrong. Lets be realistic here, we have no patience with each other. I want to love you but you have built a wall and wont let me in. I ask why? It hurts so much that my love is not reciprocated. I want your affection, your touch and knowing that I can cry on your shoulder when Im at my worse. I express this to you time after time but my pleas go ignored. I do not want to have to beg for love, that should NEVER and will NEVER be the case.

    Keep in mind that there is a 17 year age gap between us and yet, I have dedicated my youth to you, the kids, business, our home etc. Sadly, I don’t feel appreciated or acknowledged. Instead of being your wife, I feel like the family accountant, handyman, cleaning lady, nanny amongst others. It feels like you expect me to fix all our problems and clean up the messes. I don’t think you realize the amount of stress I voluntarily carry on my shoulders just to make sure that you’re ok and happy.

    Its been years since your last divorce and yet it’s a fire that constantly reignites in the blink of an eye creating chaos in our already not so peaceful life.
    I AM SO TIRED! I say this with tears on my eyes. It’s my fault for enabling you and for taking over the reigns of YOUR problems the first time I met you. But I have reached a point where my mental health and peace are taking a toll. Ironically enough, every time the subject is touched you blow up, instead of protecting me from the situation, you make me feel like I am the enemy. I want to live in harmony and peace.. don’t you?

    So here goes, and because you mean so much to me it’s worth the effort. We have been through some hard times in the last couple of years. I remember when we met, it seemed as though we were meant for each other. We both experienced that sense of having found someone who shared opinions, dreams, goals, interest and were compatible in every way. And things were great for a while. But after 2 years or so something changed. I started feeling that our differences were coming out and affecting our relationship in surprising ways.
    I remember last year when I asked you what plans you had in mind for my birthday and you blew up. You made me feel so small, scared and heart broken. I cried myself to sleep from how hurt I was and you were stone cold careless. I wasn’t asking for anything lavish or out of this world.. as a matter of fact I wasn’t asking for anything at all! A simple question turned into a miserable screaming battle, something that has become way too common in our relationship.

    Then a strange thing happened – I began to feel numb. It seemed that little things started to come between us, and we lost our spark and passion in trivialities. But at the time everything was important, and as we grew apart I began to think that we were destined to live separate lives. I noticed that I fantasized a lot about being in a different place, different people, talking to new friends, seeing other surroundings, and living a new life. Of course, those were just ideas and something that was farfetched.
    Today I ask myself, what does the future have in store for me????

    I’ve met someone new and frankly he ignites a new fire within me. It probably wont materialize into anything other the comforting conversations.I have a strong sexual desire for this man and would probably take advantage of the opportunity if I had a chance. Does that make me a bad person??
    He’s very far away from home so don’t worry..
    You know I love you and I vowed to be with you for the rest of my days as long as death do us apart.
    Today I ask myself, is that going to be the forever case???
    Im so lost… how do we repair this?? Is there any mending.
    In the back of my head and as I type this- Im thinking about “him”.

    Is there a name for this?

    by  • April 16, 2018 • 2 Comments

    This is what happened last Thursday.

    It being the night before payday, he wrote me a check for bills and put it on the counter, then stood by and watched while I mobile deposited it with my phone.

    When I was done he reaches out and starts touching my boobs. I pull away and he says, come here. I say no, but with the check lying there on the counter I felt like I couldn’t say no. He kisses my neck and I pull away and he grabs my hand and pulls me back. I try to pull away again and he says, come to the bedroom.

    So I follow him down the hall and say just get this over with. I get in bed but leave my shirt on but he tries to touch my boobs anyway. I move his hand away so he starts touching me somewhere else. I say, that’s enough, and try to move his hand but he doesn’t stop. He says just relax. I pull on his hand but he doesn’t move it. I say that’s enough and he says no. I pull his hand away but he starts in with his other hand and I try to pull that away too. Again I say just get this over with.

    It doesn’t take long but my legs are tense, my eyes are closed and my head is turned away. When it’s over I crawl out from under him and go into the bathroom and throw up.

    So what do you call this? Assault? Rape? Or am I just a cold bitch?

    Virgin Islands

    by  • April 16, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I have tried to explain my feelings to you time after time and it seems that our conversations always go wrong. Lets be realistic here, we have no patience with each other. I want to love you but you have built a wall and wont let me in. I ask why? It hurts so much that my love is not reciprocated. I want your affection, your touch and knowing that I can cry on your shoulder when Im at my worse. I express this to you time after time but my pleas go ignored. I do not want to have to beg for love, that should NEVER and will NEVER be the case.

    Keep in mind that there is a 17 year age gap between us and yet, I have dedicated my youth to you, the kids, business, our home etc. Sadly, I don’t feel appreciated or acknowledged. Instead of being your wife, I feel like the family accountant, handyman, cleaning lady, nanny amongst others. It feels like you expect me to fix all our problems and clean up the messes. I don’t think you realize the amount of stress I voluntarily carry on my shoulders just to make sure that you’re ok and happy.

    Its been years since your last divorce and yet it’s a fire that constantly reignites in the blink of an eye creating chaos in our already not so peaceful life.
    I AM SO TIRED! I say this with tears on my eyes. It’s my fault for enabling you and for taking over the reigns of YOUR problems the first time I met you. But I have reached a point where my mental health and peace are taking a toll. Ironically enough, every time the subject is touched you blow up, instead of protecting me from the situation, you make me feel like I am the enemy. I want to live in harmony and peace.. don’t you?

    So here goes, and because you mean so much to me it’s worth the effort. We have been through some hard times in the last couple of years. I remember when we met, it seemed as though we were meant for each other. We both experienced that sense of having found someone who shared opinions, dreams, goals, interest and were compatible in every way. And things were great for a while. But after 2 years or so something changed. I started feeling that our differences were coming out and affecting our relationship in surprising ways.
    I remember last year when I asked you what plans you had in mind for my birthday and you blew up. You made me feel so small, scared and heart broken. I cried myself to sleep from how hurt I was and you were stone cold careless. I wasn’t asking for anything lavish or out of this world.. as a matter of fact I wasn’t asking for anything at all! A simple question turned into a miserable screaming battle, something that has become way too common in our relationship.

    Then a strange thing happened – I began to feel numb. It seemed that little things started to come between us, and we lost our spark and passion in trivialities. But at the time everything was important, and as we grew apart I began to think that we were destined to live separate lives. I noticed that I fantasized a lot about being in a different place, different people, talking to new friends, seeing other surroundings, and living a new life. Of course, those were just ideas and something that was farfetched.
    Today I ask myself, what does the future have in store for me????

    I’ve met someone new and frankly he ignites a new fire within me. It probably wont materialize into anything other the comforting conversations.I have a strong sexual desire for this man and would probably take advantage of the opportunity if I had a chance. Does that make me a bad person??
    He’s very far away from home so don’t worry..
    You know I love you and I vowed to be with you for the rest of my days as long as death do us apart.
    Today I ask myself, is that going to be the forever case???
    Im so lost… how do we repair this?? Is there any mending.
    In the back of my head and as I type this- Im thinking about “him”.

    I blame myself

    by  • April 12, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I remember when I first found out you’d passed away. I had just gotten out of my last final exam. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I couldn’t believe what I’d read. I told the people around me “This can’t be.”

    You were the biggest, strongest person in your class. Not too long ago, you were the one to rescue me when I got stuck on top of the monkey bars.

    News of your death hit me hard during finals week because I feel bad during school, too.
    My ADHD symptoms made me wish I were dead. Nobody likes failing in school over and over again. It’s understandable why school would make one feel hopeless, but I wish I could have told you – THE WORLD IS SO MUCH BIGGER than SCHOOL.

    There were so many other communities out there where you could have fit in just the way you were.

    I wish you would have reached out to me. I looked up to you so much. You were well-liked by everybody. I’m sorry I missed the signs that you were unhappy. In hindsight, it was obvious. I feel like I let you down.

    I blame myself for your death.

    I carry it in my heart. It’s heavy, like carrying the weight of a wall of bricks. I spent the summer laying still & flat on the floor. In the fall, I went back to school without you, but it was like re-learning how to live my life, now with the weight of the bricks.

    I feel like I let you down.

    The stigma in our small town of the nature of your passing meant that there would be no funeral or calling hours. I was besties with your baby sister. I wondered how she was going to carry on. I worried even more about your best friend, Collin.

    I wish I could wake up in an identical world where this never happened.

    F U

    by  • April 12, 2018 • 0 Comments

    And yet again — after one step forward, comes two steps backwards.

    Oh, some college professors just piss me off!

    Fuck you for wrongfully making an assumption about me & my capability as a student!

    Fuck you for interfering with my ability to get my B.S. Degree!

    Fuck you for intentional blocking me from enrolling in your class & thus possibly prolonging my graduation date!

    FUCK YOU!!!