It’s been over 15 years now since we last saw each other. I was 21 and you were 20. We were both young and foolish, but I had the added characteristic of being dumb. You went home to Russia, got married and had a daughter because I didn’t ask you to stay.
Every few years you send me an email. They are identical in their content.
“Haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you?”
Those emails always correspond with me being at my emotional worst. It’s like you have a sixth-sense. How am I? I never got married or had any children. I spent all my time working on a career with nothing to show for it. I’m taking steps to try and find some happiness in life, but every time I hear from you, it’s like I’m that stupid 21 year old again.
But, I don’t tell you that. I just say, “I’m fine. How are you?”
I just got another email from you. It’s over. Why won’t you let me go and why do I keep responding to them?
And I’m feeling so depressed right now. Like I’m never going to see you again. Like my life, that I dedicated to loving you, is worthless now. Like you never loved me, you never cared, your life got better the day you got rid of me. Why do you hate me so much? I would die for you and you don’t even wanna talk to me? Do you notice that all I have for you lately is questions? Do you notice anything about me anymore? Please don’t leave me alone anymore, it makes me really sad that you don’t want to be a part of my life.
In the beginning
magic surrounded me.
Where it all began
Became only a dream.
Signs and arrows
Pointing directly at you
Lit up like a neon sign
Promising a love, pure and true.
Spirit and heart and body and mind
Seemed to magically align
To create a blurred vision of me and you:
A dream that now feels so cruel.
Overcoming shame and doubts and fear,
Your voice was all I longed to hear.
That shocking touch took me by surprise.
Heart palpilations by looking into your eyes.
The dizziness you could make me feel
The drumbeats that seemed all too real,
And the fire engulfing me in flames
I guess, to you, were all just games.
I confessed all of this before.
And since then, you look at me no more.
The electric touch began to fade
And you disappeared under your shade.
Now I am here in love with you
I’m not alone,
But I feel lonely, I do.
You are not gone,
But it feels like you are.
Now I’m stuck loving you
Forever from afar.
If I ever saw you again, I’m sure, I’d be a total mess. I can imagine everything from throwing up to instantly getting strong headaches, to droping dead. Feeling any kind of affection is torture. It’s no beautiful sensation anymore.
I think I was born while it rained, but i think everyone feels a little more raw. a little more real and closer to god. To mother. Maybe one day I should ask my mother about the weather on that day. I used to want to be a lawyer, i got a little older, hands stayed the same size and i realized that i can barely fit my own problems into my palms. I cant use my fist to fight other peoples problems if i can barely hit my own. Sometime though, when law and order comes on, my eyes tear up. I never really do much. My room has small Christmas lights along the tops of the ceiling. when i watch endless episodes of Seinfield i realize i’ve created a timeless vault of space, a place for the stars to hang out, to twinkle in the corners. I dont really have a real name, everyone mostly calls me beautiful. That’s okay. You know, i fell in love, well not in love it was something though. Im not sure really maybe it was something that could have been. I met him a few weeks ago, a month ago maybe. he’s amazing really. hes a mess really. hes unsure, about everything, we walk past each other now. the universe, he says wants him to get hisself together until i can get what i deserve. It’s a lie, really. He’s still in love with someone else. I hate being confused. Im not sure what this letter is about, im typing it in photography class. my fingers are cold. I think about how the universe might feel. I think i am the universe. maybe thats why i think about it so much. I dont know how i feel. im not sure. if i could fly from this dimension though, i would.
Connie, I’m sleeping with your husband behind your back. Who cares if you have a child together; he has many children from multiple woman. You obviously aren’t in love with him. You talk down to him. We honestly have talked about you being a closeted lesbian. It’s all over you; the tattoos, bald head, man clothes, your whole demeanor shouts” Im a dike!!!”