I really need you now more than ever. I don’t know where you are. I wish that I could talk to you. I feel so low at the moment. I feel like my family aren’t interested in me. I feel just completely shit & lost. I’m also feeling recently slightly undermined at work.
I try and think of the right thing to say but often end up saying completely the wrong thing and digging myself a massive hole.
I just want to run & leave!!
It’s probably not as bad as I think. I don’t know anymore.
I’ve told people that I agree with someone that I don’t agree with! Why would I do that?
Because they’re my manager and I’m supposed to respect them. But they’re undermining me. I don’t know why I couldn’t say the right thing.
What’s wrong with me??
I’ve lost quite a bit of confidence and some respect for myself, that’s probably it.
I just want to go to work, do my job and come home.
Instead, I either feel overworked or completely underappreciated and wasted. Not sure which feeling is better.
I then go home and my mum won’t even turn the telly off to speak to me or even look at me. Every single thing also carries massive aggrevation.
I’ve just really had enough. 🙁
I so wish I could speak to you!
LOVE DOES NOT ALWAYS FIND A WAY
I seek not in your orphic eyes vestiges of hope–the elixir of youth,
But belatedly offer you the gratitude of a hapless romantic.
My humble wish is forgiveness for not finding a way.
Nostalgia is the balm for the anguish of youthful blunders.
Imperfect memory tenaciously pleads —
“Lock the doors to the immutable past.”
My wanderings since that spring weren’t meant to follow.
I am the lost hiker stumbling into your garden uninvited
Recalling a distant haven belonging to neither and
A hope of recognition before a final farewell.
From time to time I look back on how we became friends. Admittedly, there was an attraction on my end in the beginning. I loath the word “crush”, but so be it. But as time marched on, a pattern emerged. Turmoil defined our friendship. Though I never actually came right out with my life’s woes, I took comfort in our shared discomfort until I began to feel your pain. A graduation of sorts. It wasn’t until I knew It was something deeper that I wished it away.
For a time.
I cannot escape the weight of your pain even though you’ve clearly moved on. I am happy you want to be happy. I’m happier if you are happy. But I still carry your grief inside.
I don’t want to hear that you love me nor need me in your life. But I sometimes wonder if you’re holding on to a piece of me that weighs heavily on your heart and if it hurts you the way it does me. And if that’s why you don’t reach out.
I am a person of no importance. Someone with memories, and ghosts, surely, but are they real if no one else feels them? What if I never become famous? A person who has too much to say but no where to put it. I’m supposed to find that place, but how can I start anything if I mean nothing? A darling dear with no intentions, good or bad. A box of cards and pictures for no one, a collection of tape with no purpose. Dear no one. Gossip. With nothing to live for we find good in the wrong places, bad in the right. With nothing to live for I did the same, until I ran into the arms of someone I thought cared about me. Whispering in my ear, holding me closer. But I soon learned it was just desperation, not love. But I think love is desperation, in a way. But the worst part is that not all of us need the attention that we desperately get. Half of the people are just users, and the others hold boxes alike to mine.
And, in the end, this is the beginning. No matter how much I desire more than this,
illud est quod est. It is what it is. And this, through writing, may one day heal. Even if no one ever reads this.
You are not special, just because you are depressed. Others are too. There are many, suffering similarly. Why do you give up, when it is quite normal to feel cranky within this sick world? When you go you make our world a bit worse. Please stay and fight with us. We need you here. You are one of us.
Its been nearly 6 months since you vaguely left and i dont know how many days since we haven’t talked. There wasn’t any time that passed without me thinking about you- wondering where you were or what you were upto and whether you were happy, questioning where i went so wrong that you had to put me through so much pain, contemplating whether this gut feeling of mine that said you would come back was just an attempt of forced positivity. You will never ever know the amount of pain I have been through. The worst part is that this pain is not even close to being over. All the sleepless nights (trust me I’ve had a hell lot of them), all the attempts to stop overthinking and look happy, all the distractions that I needed- you will never understand what it felt like. I was out there, more confused than ever, questioning every aspect of my being, choking on pieces of our memories.
Here’s to all the guys out there who think highly of themselves without thinking of the pain they cause to the ones they once apparently loved and then suddenly left for no matter what reason, thinking that these girls would turn out to be at least half as heartless as them and “move on” soon enough to talk about them in the worst possible way to the ‘new’ people in their life just like these guys do
Well, FUCK YOU.