• Speak now.

    by  • June 21, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Or forever hold your piece. My piece. At least think of me when holding your piece. I do. I just did.
    It’s not really an ultimatum. But I certainly hope you change your settings to speak contents on screen sooner rather than later. It’s pretty easy to do. Go to settings. Go to general. Go to accessibility. Swipe ‘speak screen’ to on. Go to your truck. Swipe key to on. Drive to my house. Park. Swipe my door to on. Watch me jolt in surprise. Click on safari. Type in this site. Search a letter. Any letter. Swipe down top of screen to activate the voice. Watch me as I listen. Ask me any questions you would like to. Receive clarity. Easy as apple pie.


    by  • June 21, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I know they love me. I know they care. I know they know me. I know they notice. I know they see me. I know they know I’m not myself. I know they miss me. I know they don’t know what to say. I know they know what’s really going on. I know they are sad for me. I know they are worried. I know they know I’m not going to ask for help. I know they know my pride. I know they know I know it’s turning my life upside down. I know they know I don’t know what to do. I know they love me. I know they only want what’s best for me. I know they couldn’t sit idly by when opportunity to intervene presented itself. I know. I know.
    All the same.
    I am scared of what’s being discussed tonight. I am scared that they won’t look up to me anymore. I’m scared that they will no longer trust me. I’m scared that they will be scared.
    I know they love me. I know they know I love them. I know it’s time to come clean.
    What’s about to go down these next few days-
    I know it’s no longer in my own hands.
    Help is here.

    Everything At Once

    by  • June 18, 2017 • 1 Comment

    Dear C,

    I have only a few times imagined that we would be here. I thought we could do it – over come the distance, defy all odds, live the love story!

    We have spent the last 4 years leading up to what? Empty promises of emigration? Futile talks of marriage?

    My head is no longer in the game. Relationships are hard work, but I can’t do this alone. I can’t be the one making all the calls, driving the relationship, and continuing to get nothing in return. It’s my own fault, really. I let this happen, and I enabled you to continue to treat me like this until we were in too deep.

    My trust in you has diminished, not only due to my own wrong doings, but the sick feeling I get when I see her name. The sinking feeling of despair. Who else are you talking to, leading on in secret (or not so secret). You have changed into a different man than the one I fell in love with, and I don’t like him. I can’t be with this person anymore. It’s not fair to keep lying to ourselves.

    Round 2

    Dear S,

    My heart is in agony. I don’t know what I thought I was proving to myself that day I started us down that path. Maybe I hoped you would be a better person, and help guide me back to the direction I was heading. Day by day, as the communication became more frequent I really enjoyed talking to you. You knew what you were doing – all along, slowly but surely, you’ve conditioned me to come to expect contact. To yearn for that “Smile”. You saw an opportunity, and you took it. Took me.

    When things got physical..I didn’t and still don’t know what to expect. After a week, things have seemingly changed, and the communication has slowed.

    I may be a tad melodramatic. It’s literally been like, a day.

    Tell KT I said hello. And I fucked her boyfriend.

    Shit is getting increasingly closer to hitting the fan, and something has gotta give. Which will it be first?


    by  • June 18, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I hope you’re doing good and a Happy Fathers Day to you.

    I’ve had a few tumultuous days. I’ve been thinking about you (too much) and wonder what you’re doing/ if you ever think of me. Anyway, here are the main conclusions I’ve reached:

    I think I’m over you (for good, yay) I guess what I’m struggling with is what to think when I think about you. I loved you a lot, a lot, a lot—more than I had ever loved a human being before. You made me happy—you were the only one who made me happy. And I wanted to do everything in my power to make you happy. To everyone else, it seemed like the project was my life and i cared about it way too much– but it was always you. I wanted to do a great job for/ because of you. I don’t ever want to forget that or think that those months and those emotions didn’t happen. But the catch is- now that I don’t feel those emotions anymore (which is actually great) but I’m still clinging on to the past/ the memories/ how much I wanted you.

    I miss you, a lot: you were the only person I had regular/proper conversations with—about things I was excited about—I really miss talking to you. For better or for worse (and for reasons you had nothing to do with) I grew really attached to you. I don’t know if its your personality type or the fact that you are really nice, you genuinely cared about me — which very few did. We never said goodbye and I wonder if it was just because you thought it would be awkward, or if it would have hurt you or if you really thought we would/ wanted to meet again. But being away from you has really hurt me. I have often looked at your picture and looked in your eyes. I’ve felt the thrill of joy I first did, then pain, sometimes anger but eventually a numbness. But through it all, I miss you as a friend.

    I want to say sorry to the times I made you feel uncomfortable. But at the last meeting, I swear I was distracted by the cut near your lip, I wasn’t wanting to kiss you, although it might’ve seemed like it. I promise I kept my head straight that day.

    However, I know you liked me a teeny tiny bit at one point, so I have a request. Even if I never see you again, even if we never talk again—please, please don’t forget me. Please don’t forget/dismiss whatever you felt toward me, no matter how brief it was. Even though it would’ve been wrong and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway even if you felt anything stronger—but please, I hope you accept it as the truth.

    Finally, you were a very special person in my life– both personally and professionally. I’ll never understand what happened/ why did it have to happen. But I will always care about you. May God bless you and hold you and your family, always.


    what I never said

    by  • June 18, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Deary Mystery,

    I made the mistake for talking to you for way too long. I felt so unjudged ( is that even a word), comfortable and strangely, at peace, with our interactions. You became a friend, someone who would almost check in with me everyday, felt kind of a unique equation, as I was offering nothing in return, no pics, no flirtatious comments, just pure friendship it was, between us. As soon as I understood we were just friends and there could never be anything romantic, you started hinting romantic interest, and then one day, due to the pressure and advice from my family, I let our friendship go – like a bunch of pebbles in the sea – scattered and without direction. You did come back, at a time, when I was missing you – I couldn’t hold myself back and reconnected with you. I wanted to meet you so badly, I didn’t know if I was in love with you or just loved you as my friend, I still don’t. Lo and behold, you made an excuse to not meet me again. I was shocked, hurt, humiliated to say the least – I had convinced my family you were a dear friend and you wanted to meet me as badly as I wanted to meet you, but you proved them right. I felt like a fool. I still do – it hurts that our friendship was just a game for you. A way to kill time, progress in your career. I now hate you. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate that you never appreciated that I liked you for who you were and not whether you were a successful person. I hate you for not caring to apologise to me. I hate you for thinking I was talking to you in desperation. Most of all – I hate you for wasting my time. I hope you treat your wife , your friends and the people that care for you well. I hope you succeed in life but most of all, I hope I never meet you. I hope you never contact me. I hope you never think of me. I hope you forget me. I hope I disappear from your life eternally because you have disappeared for me

    your e-Friend,