• Love in absentia

    by  • June 26, 2016 • 1 Comment

    When you left me, maybe for good, it was and continues to be the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I live with the pain everyday and it still hurts as bad as it ever did. I’m sure you had your reasons, even if I’ll never know them. Maybe you felt like we’d only get one real chance to make it work and I wasn’t ready. Maybe you were right. I certainly wouldn’t have stopped trying to be with you, I mean two years later and I still am. Maybe you just gave up on me. Maybe you felt you’d given me enough chances and you just didn’t want me anymore. Maybe you never did. I hope that’s not true.

    I really do love you so much. I know it’s real. There’s no way it’s not if it still burns on this long after you left my life. It must be real if I can forgive you for that and everything else and realize that I made plenty of mistakes too. I get mad at you, or I get depressed for a while, but the love I have for you always triumphs. It is the strongest emotion in me.

    I know I could never do any better than you. Not even close. Everyone thinks you’re absolutely gorgeous (because you are), whereas most often the words I hear used to describe me are “goofy” or “weird”. I guess I am weird. I know I’m different, I always have been. I hate it. I’ve always been such a loner, always struggling to make and maintain a real connection with anyone. I’ve been so alone my whole life. But when I was with you none of that mattered. It all just slipped away because I was the happiest man in the world.

    Even if we do ever have a future, I know you’ll never need me the way I need you. You may never need me at all. You’ve certainly proven that. You’re so much stronger and more capable than me. You have your own life, your career, your family and your friends. Maybe there’s just not any room for me. I hope that maybe someday you can at least want me the way I want you. But I know that’s a lot to ask because I want you Antoniette more than I’ve ever wanted anything. Knowing you has meant more to me than any of my personal achievements or other desires. I am so so proud of you. Even if I don’t really know what’s going on in your life, I know the fine woman you are and I’ve always known that you will make more good choices than bad and succeed at anything you try. You truly are so fucking special and I am honored that for a time, even if it was only one magical night, you were mine.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again. I’ve tried contacting you many times without avail. I don’t think you could be anymore clear in indicating you don’t want to talk to me. But as I’ve told you before, I’m always here for you, thinking about you and praying for your safety and happiness.

    I love you baby.


    by  • June 26, 2016 • 0 Comments

    I have insulted you a hundred times, cursed you, cried over you, but no longer. I have released myself from your tight grip. And now, you finally know it. I still wish I could see the exact moment when you realized my heart no longer beats for you. I wish I could relish in that victory, but alas, I care too little to pay any more attention to you.

    I know you still care. They all tell me, they all gossip about how you gaze at me when my back is turned, how angry you get when you hear of him, how jealous and betrayed you feel. You’re used to my attention. You’re used to the addictive buzz of my love. But the truth is, I no longer want you. I don’t just lack feelings for you, I no longer wish for you have feelings for me.

    In fact, I hope you can focus on the one you claim to love, instead of pining after my devotion, which you will never again hold as a trophy. Who are you, who do you think you are? You were lucky enough to hold my admiration for a brief moment, but you did not value what you had in me, and now, it is gone.

    I run, I jump, I fight for something else now, not you and your mediocrity. Your sharp, cutting words no longer can break my armor. I no longer bleed out at your criticism, nay, I just smile, because I know that I have won. I fight for myself, I fight for my family. I fight for the ones that catch me when I fall, that drag me along when I cannot walk for myself. I run for them, I destroy my body for their benefit. Because THEY LOVE ME. You never loved me. You never wanted me. You wanted my body, you wanted the loyalty of a flame, of a hurricane. Don’t you know, sad little boy? The hurricane moves on, you can’t stay in the eye forever.

    My eye has moved onto another, my winds and whims have washed onto someone who values what I have and who I am. I don’t look behind my shoulder for you. I don’t close my eyes and see your face. In fact, after this letter is sent, I don’t think I’ll ever think of you again. Doesn’t it infuriate you? I gave you so many chances to see the person I am, the person I could be.

    I offered my love, my love like a wildfire, my love like a tornado, my love like a hurricane. I offered you excitement, intelligence and fiery, intense, passionately perfect love. People have a choice, a choice in the kind of love they accept. You, my dear foolish boy, chose a drizzle.