I know this may seem very stupid since I am talking to my laptop right now.
As this break’s been going on and on and on. I’ve been doubting myself lately. Why am I here?
I get that I’m the son of my mom. I’m the brother of my siblings and I’m a friend to those who want me to be. But did I really deserve this? Cause from what I’ve been learning about myself. No. I don’t deserve the life I’m currently living in.
Everyday I see the news about people getting killed, people getting tortured, people dying sue to diseases and I’m just here, surfing the net and making my life a total waste. I don’t know why I’m not getting all the bad luck people keep getting. I deserve it. I know I do.
I’ve been a very selfish friend. A selfish brother. A rebellious son. And a traitor.
I’ve fallen in love. A lot of times. No one has seen it. No has felt it. And that’s one thing I appreciate. No one knows me.
It may seem really sad. But it’s really true. I’ve been living life like this for years now. All I’d do is hope for something that will never come true..
I’m fat. That’s one fact that I can’t take off my name. I’d usually give excuses about shit and I can’t seem to accept the real reason I’m fat. I just am.
I’m stupid. No, people tend to call me smart because I have grades that seem above average compared to others. No.. That’s not smart. I’m not wise. I’m stupid din life. I’ve been betrayed due to my stupidity.
I fake laughs and I fake smiles. For the sake of others. I enjoy seeing them being amused by my act. It makes me feel that slight pang of happiness.
Happiness. Something I’ve been craving for years. I haven’t seen bliss. I haven’t felt bliss. It’s sad y’know.
I remember my biggest fear… A fear I’ve been holding on for a very long time. The fear of being abandoned.
I’ve been scarred for life when I lost that necklace. I’ve been scarred for life when I saw that word. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been harassed. I’ve been bullied. But I deserve it. I deserve all the negativity in this world.
You wanna know why?
Cause I’m one selfish bitch.
I’ve been selfish to everyone I know. They’ve been wanting me to open up. But I can’t. Cause I’m selfish. I’m an attention seeker because I tend to long for comfort that’ll never be given to me. I’ve been lying to people. I’m happy. No. I’m just feeling a bit weird… But the truth is..
I’ve never wanted to be this sad… I’ve never wanted to long for someone to be there for me. I’ve never been able to control myself.
I’ve always wanted to die. I’ve wanted people to actually noticed me. But that’s selfish… I wonder when it’ll happen.
I guess all I can say is that I’ve been living life with blind hopes and dreams. I haven’t really tried I guess…
Well.. I have an offer.
Will you…. Kill me?