I AM ME BECAUSE OF ME!
This is my therapy:
Since I don’t get “I’m proud of you” from my parents – I will give it to myself and vent while I am at it:
I am proud of the mother I became. Despite of the example that was set for me, I love my children unconditionally and would give my life for them in a heartbeat without a second thought. I do not use them as pawns in a game to get attention from others and treat them poorly behind closed doors. I am not emotionally abusive to them and try every day to be the best mom I can be, and some days I’m not the best, but I try. I do not surround my children with people who put them down, abuse them and treat them poorly. I would claw the eyes out of anyone who wanted to cause them harm, physical or mental. I am caring, protective (sometimes too much) and loving. I am strict and strong, but flexible when I need to be. I am accountable as a mother and know I don’t do everything right, but I try to do what’s best at the time. I am sorry for when I fail them and proud when they succeed. I would spare them all the pain of the world but can’t because I know they can’t grow into healthy adults without loss. I will always be there for them, thru thick or thin, no matter what.
I am proud of person I became. Despite the example that was set. I am not cruel and mean like my father. I am loving and kind and believe there is good in people. I do not put people down to make myself feel better. I am empathetic and understanding. I love unconditionally and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am forgiving but not stupid and do draw boundaries, but can be stubborn at times. I am not calculated like my mother. I do not do for others with strings attached. I am giving and humble.
I am proud of things I have achieved. I completed college – pushed thru and became the first person in my family to get a bachelor’s degree. I worked hard and deserve to be recognized for this. Not for what I can do for someone, but for what I did for myself.
I don’t deserve to be treated poorly by people who do not call me or even care about me. It hurts terrible that the two people who created me and the one person still alive could care less if I were alive or dead. He has never called me, never reached out, never anything and it hurts and I’m angry. But, I will not let this anger or hurt consume me, or make me treat others poorly. I will love my family with all my heart, do everything I can the help and guide them. I will love my children unconditionally forever and always be there for them.
I will try to be easier on myself, understand I don’t have to be perfect. Recognize my pain and anger and try to move one from it and not dwell on it. I will recognize and try focus on the positive and not let the negative things change who I want to be or how I act.
To my father:
On 12/17, I called to say I love you, that’s it. NO agenda, no request for anything, just say I love you. You were mean, short and could care less I called. I had not spoken to you in over 2 years, and you blew me off. You got off the phone without as simple ”I love you too”. What should I expect; I have never gotten that before. I will not call you anymore, this was the last time. I am done looking for the I’m proud of you or I love you too….I realize that you are getting up there in age and one day you will not be here anymore, but I will not allow this reality to guilt me into calling for abuse and hurt. I am over it. Despite all the hurt and pain, I don’t hate you; I actually LOVE you a lot. I refuse to subject myself to hurt and pain anymore, I will not call again.
I will never send this to him because I know he does not care and it will fall on deaf ears, but it makes me feel better to just write it down.
To my mother:
I miss you every day. This time of year is difficult. I am still mourning the loss of a mother, but what kind of loss am I really mourning. Our relationship was not the best. I had to draw boundaries and distance myself from you because of how I felt by your comments and lack of love. I am really mourning the relationship I wish I had. The one I have with my children. The unconditional love, wanting what’s best for them, being sorry I yelled a lot because I was having a bad day and telling them sorry. I wish we had that, I wish I had the mom that would be there no matter what just because I was her daughter, not because there was some hidden agenda. But in spite of everything, I love you a lot and miss you terribly, every day. I wish you could see my children, they are wonderful and amazing. I wish we could mend and build the mother daughter relationship, but more than anything, I just wish you were still here.
I try so hard to find the positives and down play the trauma and pain caused by my parents. Not all of it is realistic, but it does show the good I have in me despite the pain and anger that I could dwell on.
1. I am a very independent person because of them. I had to be in order to survive and thrive in a loveless upbringing.
2. They did the best they could – what a bullshit statement – I am not like them, I do better not because of them, but because I want better. Better for me, better for my children, better for the future.
3. I am strong and resilient and never quit. I learned to survive and grow and get stronger to overcome all the obstacles of my life.
4. I am a better mother because of them. I broke the cycle; I chose the harder path and never let my childhood define my future.
5. I am accountable and humble. I take responsibility for my actions, don’t take what is not mine and do not think I am owed anything. I work hard for things I achieve and recognize the people that helped me get here, directly and indirectly.
6. Because of them I am ME; whether it be in spite of them or because I did not want to be like them, I am a kind , loving , generous person.
7. But more importantly I am me because of ME; I did not let my childhood define my adulthood. I did not use it as a crutch to not succeed or an excuse to act poorly. I chose the hard path and changed, rewrote the family dynamics to break the abuse cycle and I am most proud of this. I am me because of ME.