• no surprise

    by  • August 20, 2014 • 4 Comments

    They give advice based on your description. You create their reaction. Hence the loneliness.

    Clueless (to a wren, just in case you wondered)

    by  • August 20, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Did I say I had no baggage?
    Wtf was I thinking?
    God damn yes I have baggage and I have inherited it rightly! I have no clue what a decent relationship is! I was raisd by a mother who was mentally incompetent who had divorced her husband because he was a violent alcoholic. How the hell she could not have made the decision to “walk away” when she first noted that he drank a bit too much i have no clue! I was also raised by my grandfather, a man I adored who was dumped by his second wife after she got tired of bearing him kids and being second fiddle to his career. Mind you his first wife was not much better as she offed herself shortly after the ceremony.

    I have no clue what it looks like to love through pain and sorrow. I am a child of abuse so I trust nobody anyway…so much for trust. I pick people whom I know are also the walking wounded just like me so that when it all crashes down, I have somebody else to blame (no longer effective). No role models, no background of even observing decent happily married couples, just me fighting and struggling to make it to where I am now on my own with a semi transparent history of relationship “collisions”.

    Wtf I was doing hunting for someone else on the dating sites again I don’t know. I always hunt (not anymore). When I am not with someone, I hunt/ed. It’s like an adventure in hope..that somehow despite what I have not learned and despite what I cannot assimilate via some magical osmosis..I keep thinking that love will come my way! It won’t! It won’t because it can’t. I am barely able to commit myself to my animals much less a vulnerable adult.

    I am so sorry I even met you. To my benefit, at the time we first collided I honestly believed that I loved you! I now see that love is much more than what is happening when I look at you…how I feel at how beautiful you are… How amazed I am at your intellect…love truly is about my ability to listen to you and your wishes and needs and to put those first before anything going on in my crotch. Love was about standing still and watching and looking and being able to be there for you through thick and thin. Hell, I don’t even know how to be that sturdy strong person! I think I wanted to be. God I would have done anything to be… But the damn truth is that I fucking failed the “relationship course” in life. I can barely make stable friends with my neighbors! I didn’t know. I just didn’t know. I was so much in love that I could not see that it would have been best to simply step away.

    And now I have met someone sweet and gentle and honest. She is single only because she had to put her partner into a nursing home with dementia. She stood solid as a rock for years in her relationship…giving her all. Fuck, she could have taught relationship courses. And I see how easy it is for her to give, to stand strong for someone else. And I think to myself…wtf am I doing? Am I going to fuck up the innocent? After everything she has endured, do you honestly think she deserves someone like me? No. No. No. No.

    So in your honor, tomorrow I am going to figure out how to slip away quietly never to hurt anyone else again.

    I’m sorry I obsessed over you. I felt like you were the gold ring on my carousel of life. Everything about you was so awesome. I just didn’t see that I didn’t come with the credentials necessary to carry out the task of being a truly awesome partner you deserved and needed.

    They say that people should take classes in parenting. I think that goes for relationships too. I believe that instead of continuing to cause hurt to others, it is time for me to back off altogether and take a different tack. It’s time to learn basic tools of kindness, to become a good friend and neighbor, to support my community, and to give as a friend …and not in the capacity in which I cannot give my all.

    I’m sorry.



    by  • August 20, 2014 • 1 Comment

    The bad news is I struggle at times without you. The good news I still live as each struggle passes.

    To the future Mrs. E (#4 if you’re counting, and I am)

    by  • August 20, 2014 • 0 Comments

    To the seemingly cool lady who is about to marry my ex-hubby, here are some things I would love for you to know. I hope you never relate to these items. Perhaps you guys do actually stick to that “happily ever after” stuff.

    #1 – He’s damaged goods, but don’t blame me. At least not entirely. Your soon-to-be Father in Law was a serial cheater. Your almost-hubby certainly has an eye for the ladies. Don’t let him get too close to your girlfriends or co-workers. You are the first fiance’/wife he didn’t cheat with on the fiance’/wife before. Please don’t believe him (or her) when you get that gnawing-gut instinct there’s something going on.

    #2 – He doesn’t fight fair. When he is backed into a corner, he will use filthy names, he will break your belongings, he will conjure up your horrible memories and jump all over the insecurities you shared with him in confidence. He will lie to your face, and lie some more to cover the first set of lies. And for the love of God – please know this: if this goes badly – he will threaten to blackmail your family/friends if he knows their secrets, too. Awful stuff, too. He was going to tell wife1′s dad he wasn’t really her bio dad. Same with my nephew’s bio dad. Your child’s father will be the VERY FIRST person he runs to with lies (or worse, truths).

    #3 – He has a serious alcohol problem, and hopefully that’s the ONLY substance issue. He thinks the world owes him something, and he loves to play the victim role. When he’s mad, he will withdraw into a closed room and drink until he blacks out. Unless you are naive enough to go check on him & become the focus of his rage.

    #4 – He will give you the silent treatment. He will withhold kisses, hugs, holding hands, and especially sex when he’s mad at the world. He would rather use p0rn than even allow me to touch him. When I reached out for him, either physically or emotionally, he took pleasure in seeing my desperation.

    #5 – His family knows he is the bad seed, which is why they probably are holding back in acceptance of you. He has a proven track record of moving on every few years, so they aren’t likely to go out of their way to welcome you into the family. Consider yourself temporary until proven otherwise.

    #6 – He broke my heart over & over until I finally woke up and ended the madness. He cost me the chance to be a mother since I spent the majority of my fertile years with him (or getting over him). It took me *years* to be ready to settle down again. I still have to work on not punishing the good guy for stuff the bad guy did.

    #7 – Yet, I want him to be happy. He seems to love you. He appears to be well. I hope he has truly changed. I still care for him and always will. My friends (and certainly my current amazing husband) cannot understand why I don’t hate him. You have to forgive to heal, but only a fool forgets the lessons learned.

    Best wishes for a fun wedding day but more importantly, for a joyous union. Please prove me wrong, and that everything I know about him is different now. Meanwhile, I will be around if you ever need to talk.

    Hard to explain. Even now.

    by  • August 20, 2014 • 0 Comments

    The moment you brought up that condition. Painful. I was not willing to tell you that, but I think you recognized my confusion. I still remember the expression in your face. That kiss. A short moment of real intimacy – at least for me. When you came back it was gone.

    Hold my hands

    by  • August 20, 2014 • 1 Comment


    This silence is maddening. I can’t call, and I can’t write. I barely get to speak with you when we do see each other. You won’t ever see this, but I’ve got to throw it out there — like a message in a bottle.

    I love you. I think of you constantly. I see your photos once in a while. The one by the pond is my favorite. You radiate, vibrate on a frequency with my innermost inner. The me under the voice, beneath the thoughts and emotions, down here. Hi. I love you. I miss you. I think of you constantly. I see your happy face in photos and I am content. Believing you have found peace gives me peace. I will try harder.

    June hurt. Your memory was fresh. I found a book of spells and learned an incantation to “erase the memory of a lost love.” I repeated it over and over for days. Maybe even weeks. But it didn’t work. I guess you’re not a “lost” love. Damn it!

    So I decided to embrace the pain. From hence forth I will rejoice in the feeling of craving you with no satisfaction in sight. Wanting to look in your eyes, wrap my arms around you, laugh and laugh and laugh, oh and make love to you yes sweet jesus that too.

    Shine on my beautiful M. Mmm. Reach out and hold my hands across the table. Dance with me. Taoist breaths. One of these days the dance will stop and we’ll get to open our eyes. For now, look for me in the dark.

    All my love!!


    Sympthoms of You

    by  • August 20, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Hello, D.!
    Did you know that we do not love with our heart or soul? Actually, all it comes inside our brain, the processes of falling in love and dealing with breaking up, unrequited love are born and live in our brain.
    It is like a sickness, but the worst thing is, there is no actual cure. You know, I diagnosed this sickness inside me, as I have all sympthoms of it. I guess I fell in love with you after all. And now, I have to deal with unrequited love and break up. I so do not want this, but I know I have to. I have to forget you, I don`t know what will happen in the future or if we have at least a small future after all. At this very moment, I know that I need, I must forget you, get over those feelings.
    Tell me, give an advice. How do you manage to freeze that easily? Are those years of practice? Just a click of the finger and you are frozen, you managed to freeze everything you felt for me. I know, that it wasn`t love, but still you could have not pretended that way. But in the end, it was very easy to end it for you. Have you thought about me? That probably, it was too late for me to take precautions, I was already sick, with all possible sympthoms, of you, D.
    Can you believe me? I have never felt this way before. No man has ever put such sickness on me as you did. You consumed me, how could you do this? I did not plan this at all. I did not want this, so you just left living your life and I? I have to deal with my sickness, rehabs and all. Is that even fair? I guess life is not fair after all.
    People invented so many possible and impossible things, but why hasn`t anybody invented a cure of a broken heart? Like pills or mixtures or something. I really need this: to have a pill and to feel new again, like a headache – you drink a pill and in an hour you feel good again. I really hope such kind of medicine will be invented in the nearest future.
    For now, I have to cure myself much longer and much more painful, unfortunate truth.
    Sometimes I wonder what you do, what is new in your life these past two weeks and when I start to wonder, I make myself stop doing that as very painful images come to my mind. This is madness. If you have ever loved like this and had your heart broken, you should understand me, you should know how I feel. But here is the difference between us: I cannot froze my heart like you did, I cannot turn off my feelings and when I feel that I am falling in love I keep on falling, I drown even, but you…you are freezing and running away, on your big grey motorbike.
    You have forgotten to mention it before, D. Why haven`t you just told me this that evening when we first met? Or, at least you could have just show me a couple of disco clubs and walk me to the bus station. Right now, I think that it would have been much better.
    You know why? Because here is my truth: I couldn`t shut my heart off, I did not run from feelings, even if we couldn`t have been together, I still could not and did not want to leave my feelings, delete them, I still opened my heart for you, I let you in, I let you dig in me. But here is the thing: if I was put near the choice of going through all this, all this and just to reverse that evening, probably I would have chosen the second option. The option,where we had drinks, nice conversation, you showed me a few good clubs with your finger and walk me to the bus station, kisses on each cheek and that is it. “Have a nice evening, guapa!”
    Maybe this is my broken heart and hurting soul are talking, but for now, this is my truth. What would you have chosen? Do you want me to suffer because of you, D.? Right now, even I cannot help myself.