. . . My Bundle ,
Love Sweetness ( Just in case I
forgot to sign my earlier letter )
I have managed to discipline my emotions to crying breakdowns, once a night. It happens usually between midnight and 6 AM. I cry…sometimes on my knees, sometimes on my face-just like the time I found out you’d been arrested, while trying to fall asleep (futility)
There’s nothing I can do about this. There are many things I wish you had told me. Like “obedience” to Christ was only to be observed in MY company. Yes, I was very disappointed and initially disgusted with the perceived deception. But as always, I’ve forgiven you. I wish you would just reach out to me.
Are you content? Good for you. Do you need for me to throw you a rope and pull you out of hole you’ve gotten yourself into? I’m just about there, my darling….financially.
I have one regret that haunts me—I should have given you what you needed, before I left you (not knowing that it would be the last time I would see you). We were kissing so tenderly, the intensity was building, and making love to you, would have been so easy. But I stopped, because you’d asked me, so many times before, to stop our intimacies….because you didn’t trust your own self-discipline.
If I had it to do over…
With me or without me, my love for you is eternal.
I love you.
in my dreams, Mrs. AJJ
When I was young, adults told me how smart I was, how handsome, how talented, how bright my future was. As I got older, that started to upset me. None of that prepared me for real life. When things didn’t turn out the way I had been taught to expect, it made me feel dumb and ugly and worthless.
But maybe they weren’t all wrong. Maybe the potential is there. Maybe its just sitting there, waiting.
I do believe I can do great things, even if I don’t feel like I am right now. What I need is someone to believe in me, not because they’re related to and are supposed to. But because they met me as the person I am now and believe in me. You know that that person is you. I know you saw it. I felt that you felt it, if that makes sense. Whatever reasons you haven’t supported me in the past like I needed you to aren’t nearly as important as supporting me now.
I love you, but I also need you. You’re not responsible for where I am, but you can be responsible for where I go.
I have done everything a woman shouldn’t do.
I was so in love with him, and he was so mean to me.
I sent a million messages, mean ones, high ones, crying ones, like an OCD compulsion, telling myself not to contact until I do.
He hates me. Absolutely hates my guts.
My heart is so broken. I can’t even think about anything else. I feel so broken as a person, my thoughts can’t even move forward.
I’m all out of tears, like I’ve been punched in the chest so much it’s just a permanent feeling.
I fell in love with you the moment I met you 20 years ago. I knew it when I saw you. But you were my friends girlfriend. We stayed friends this whole time, and now you’re married to someone else. You’re happy, but I’m still unmarried, I’ve compared every woman I’ve dated to you subconsciously . Never had the courage or common sense to tell you how I felt when I had a chance. I’m such a fool…
You are the boy who is like the sun, but I’m like the cloudy days. You are the boy who resembles soft, warm, breeze that blows gently through my hair almost so beautifully I wonder how our souls could ever touch, but I am the winds you would never want to feel, the winds that you try to block with layers of warm fabric because if I get too close, you’ll start to feel the cold, sharp, sting of winter. You are the boy who’s words are strung together with the purest of gold, but I don’t speak because my mouth was taken and my words were never there. You are the boy who has a voice that is mountains more beautiful than the music people pay money to hear so much that I am jealous of those who get to hear it. But my voice sounds like silence, the type that doesn’t calm you but makes your soul roar with noises you’d wish never to hear.
But it’s okay, because I will forget about you. You’re nothing to me. All you will ever be is the sun that carries warmth and the voice that speaks words strung together with gold that is more beautiful than music. You belong with the flowers that used to smell like life and the songs that used to make my happy. I hope you’ll do well.
the girl who is covered with clouds of winter and never speaks because she has no voice.