Seeing you cry over her, it made me cringe inside.
Oh, how i hate seeing you cry because of her.
Silently hoping I was her and you were mine.
That i was the one whom you love.
I so want to hug you tightly and kiss you fervently hoping it can give you comfort and erase all the pain she caused you. But no, I am nothing to you. You dont want me and I cannot give you the solace you want.
Yes, I have lots of friends and I have complete family. I always laugh when I’m with them but when I’m on my self in the middle of the night or just myself, why do i felt lonely. The pain that I felt makes my eyes cried even though I didn’t do anything! I don’t know why?
I keep telling myself I’m okay, that I’m stronger than this. You raised me to be strong, brave and independent. I think I do rather well getting those messages across to those who know me. But you forgot to show me how I’m supposed to handle life on the really rough days. The days you used to always be there for. The days you made me get out of bed, bright and early even if it was to just sit on the couch all day with you. You made sure I ate and rested when it was the last things I wanted to do. You cared and loved me even when I was a complete bitch sometimes.
On those days that I don’t seem to know what to do, I think of you. I think of all the times I came home to you. You accepted my tears without a word, held me as I curled up beside you with my head on your lap as you hummed or sang me to sleep. I always felt a million times better spending time with you.
I miss your smile. I miss you laugh. I miss the devilish smirk you had when you were about to pull a fast one on someone. I miss your voice and tsks. I miss seeing you in the window waiting for me to get home. I miss you. I miss your presence. You were my favourite person in the world and I would have given you everything in me for one more day, one more moment, one more word. Just one more of anything.
I know you’re always with me, in my heart and in all the little things in the world that remind me of you but it’s not the same. You were my partner in crime. I understand that you lived the best life and a goddamn fulfilling one but, (and this may seem selfish) you missed all my big moments. I wanted you there for my big moments. I want to see your face smiling up at me when I graduated. I’ve only gotten this far because you pushed me to make the best of my life and opportunities. I know I can do it all without you, that’s how you raised me. But if I’m totally honest, I don’t want to and it hurts so much on those bad days that only you knew how to cheer me up or comfort me.
I’m getting a lot of those rough days lately. I’m sorry if I’m letting you down but I’m trying my best but it all seems so much harder sometimes without you. I have special people that try to help but sometimes it’s just a wee bit easier if they don’t know.
All in all, I just want to say that aside from the rough days, i’m okay. I’m slowly getting to where I want to be and I do it all because of you.
I love you so much it hurts and I miss you so much more. xoxo.
I forgave her
I did not hold it against her
I do not torture her with my sadness about what she did
I do not use it against her
I forgave her
I told her its okay
I told her that we are okay
She said she regrets it and is sorry every day
But no sorry’s are said
no speak of regret
I try to repress what happened
She went away
I trusted her
A friend told me to worry
She told me not to
I was still hurt
She didn’t even say sorry at first
She threatened to end it all
she missed me
She said it once
Did not even try to fix things
I became the one that was saying sorry
I am still broken
It eats at me every day
I am only 16
But I love her
as she loves me
there has been no apologies
when it is brought up
it is brushed off
she gets upset with herself
but does not hear me
I am sorry this is long
I am broken
Why couldn’t I live someone who loves me? I mean, why did this have to happen? Why did I have to fall for a man who is irritated by my presense?
I am so sorry I fell foe you. You were my best friend once. Once upon a time we talked deeply. Once upon a time you weren’t afraid to touch me. Once upon a time you enjoyed the jokes we shared. Then they became too real. It has to have been my feelings, not yours that did it. I am sure you have no feelings at this point, at least not for me.
I mean what kind of man listens to a woman pour her heart out over him and ignores it? What kind of man watches a woman bleed to death and offers nothing? That night, oh so long ago should have told me many times over to move on from you. But I love you.
I don’t want to. Heck, you are the farthest love from a safe love that I can imagime. But I can’t deny it. No one asks. But if they did, I couldn’t lie. I’m sure I could try. What a joke that would be! I think of your name as I fall asleep each night. And you are the first thought I have in the morning.
Oh! How I wish I was yours!
At this poimt, I fear it is too late for us. You see, even if you now show romantic interest in me… I’ll believe it is just simply because you want love so desperately that you are in love with the idea of being in love, and you’ll be happy with anyone who submits and shows romantic interest. How could that ever possibly satisfy me, my thirsty heart?