• To biggest liar who never lies :p

    by  • April 29, 2016 • 0 Comments

    You not worth the words to be wasted on plus our big difference is our heart and disgusting things comes out from yours. Hey also many things you think you know all, truth is what do you know? Besides your foolish head makes you believe what you want and yes, you lied about million things. Don’t take someone’s silence as your win he his only letting fool feel good.

    Thanks yours and only
    Whatever you wanna call it
    After all you were a lie ????


    Five years later

    by  • April 29, 2016 • 0 Comments

    I thought I was ready to lose you.

    Sometimes I even longed for it, late at night when the anxiety and uncertainty took hold. These first years of adulthood, excelling in the career I always dreamed of, weren’t what I expected them to be. I was despondent, depressed. Life left me irritable, and spurred by the misconception that our love was unconditional, I took you for granted. You weren’t my first priority, even though I always seemed to be yours.

    And then we ended it.

    I’m overwhelmed by confusion. Do I simply need to ride out the initial stages of grief, breathe in and out, in and out, until it eventually becomes clear this was the right decision? Or is this pain — these gut-wrenching, nauseating waves of pain — an indication that severing our five-year-long love a mistake?

    I don’t understand how to be without you. It doesn’t seem real, and I can’t grasp the idea that we won’t be together again.

    We grew up together. We suffered through pain together. We figured out life together, shared our families with one another, made a home together. And that’s the thing — over the years, you’ve become my home.

    But that soul-lifting, tingly giddiness that comes with new love faded. Though our connection grew deeper, it faded into something more mellow. Something comfortable, safe. It wasn’t exciting anymore.

    I wanted it to end. You wanted it to end. But now that it’s over, now that the loss is real, I’m not so sure it’s what I wanted after all.

    I think back to those nights you were asleep beside me, in such easy reach. I wish I could go back in time, reach over and fix us instead of just falling asleep.

    The aftermath of “J.J.”

    by  • April 28, 2016 • 0 Comments

    I want to give up on this sick stupid craving once and for all. I don’t know why I’m like this. I wonder if its just a memory of what I used to want from him, or if I have some creepy craving for male attention because of media and the like. I hate it. Somewhere, deep under some layers, even the layers that involved him and involved pretending, those layers that involved trying so hard for stupid reasons… even under those kinds of layers, there is still some feeling of wanting someone, be it him, or just some guy. Even when I’m playing games, role-playing, and doing silly things like shipping anime couples, I somewhere inside feel that thing I had for him. Just a little. Its like I don’t even realize it sometimes. –but sometimes, it goes away, like right now. Slowly, sometimes I feel better about what happened. Sometimes I feel like I can move on. Its when the thoughts catch me off guard that hurt the most. I know I think about it, subtly, quite often but I try to ignore it. I know sometimes I want him. I don’t like the ideas or the way things would work out, I don’t like the lifestyle that would come with it, the burden… but I still want a small part of him just to float around me. Still, when I think about the warmth and care of my family I’m so happy, so thankful, and so satisfied with what I have. I’m so happy, I feel amazing at home with my brother and my sister. I wonder if I just stained myself when I involved myself with him, and these horrible feelings are just the aftermath of that event. I feel confident and happy when I’m alone, away from the thoughts of him, but sometimes I feel like I’m feeding off of some sort of high.. or low… from him. I’ve noticed that all the things that make me happy… well not all, but most… are rooted to a feeling about him. I feel confident about myself because I want to be bold for him, I try to improve myself because I want to be impressive by him, and I work hard to get my name out there, to be famous, for him to notice me and be impressed by me. Its so subtle, its not like it used to be. But I used to be crazy, which is possibly why those feelings were blown up. I just got too excited and I was too immature. Now the feelings are still there, but dull… and possibly duller than they should be because I am trying to ignore them. There is also the possibility that they will keep dulling down until they vanish, which is what I hope for. Because even if these feelings are there, they won’t go anywhere. Time will tell. Not only time. If I work hard, if I keep my eyes open and be safe and warm here, where I am, I will be happy and I’ll find out.

    Angry whining

    by  • April 28, 2016 • 3 Comments

    This is the first time I’ve done this, so I’ll get straight to the point.

    I’m tired. Of everything. I’m tired of being ignored and talked over and pushed aside. I’m sick of people walking over me and not taking me seriously and refusing to treat me with respect. I’m always forgotten, always the last person to be remembered. My needs and wants are always kicked to the curb, all while I’m expected to pick up on the smallest things. And when I bring this up, I’m always told to stop being selfish.

    Because how dare I want people to notice that I’m struggling. How dare I want a little bit of attention once in a while. How dare I crave basic human needs like concern for my welfare, or being treated as an equal. How dare I want to be an individual person with individual needs.

    Yeah, I’m obviously the selfish one here.

    If only then

    by  • April 28, 2016 • 0 Comments

    If only i were included in social activities that I don’t initiate.
    Seeking approval, longing t belong
    trying to please, be likable

    I wish I wasn’t this way
    I feel needy
    Unfair – unbalanced

    To like us

    Michelle was like this
    My sister was like this.
    I never belonged growing up, although I do now.

    Belief is that I am not enough.
    tense in shoulders pulling in

    If only i were included in social activities that I don’t initiate then I would feel like I belong.

    no matter what

    by  • April 28, 2016 • 0 Comments

    I love you. There is nothing you can say or do that will change that. If you are happy with someone else, then I am happy for you. If you being with me makes you happy then let’s see what we would have to do to make that happen.

    As far as I go, I’m not looking for anyone else yet. I am just going with the flow. I have still healing to do. Some people heal faster when they find someone else. I’m just not that way. I love women. I do want to find a woman eventually that accepts the love I have to offer. It will find me when the time is right. But right now, I’m just healing and enjoying the people who enjoy being around me. My heart still beats for you. Your not easy to get over. I felt feelings for you I have never felt before. That’s going to take time. I was/still am in love with you. Its not something I can just shut off. I think about you often and about what could have been, but you have made it clear that I’m not what you are wanting. We can’t force someone to love us. You are the only woman I have been with in 16 yrs. I haven’t been with one since you left. I will always love you and I hope you find your happiness. I will always be here for you, no matter what, even if you never need me. Just know you are never alone in this big world. Someone loves you unconditionally (truly).

    Although I think we could of had an awesome relationship 😉 …..

    I just want my girl happy!

    Love You Always,

    Negative responses very welcome, it makes it fun!