• KC to (I don’t know what to call you anymore)

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Well thanks to your message, I know see that you are willing to take your relentless hate parade against me to whole other level, if I let you. Who knows maybe you’ll just act on the threat anyway.

    I see now, and it took me some time, you didn’t treat me like shit because I hurt you, your actions against me didn’t come from a place of hurt I created, not initially anyway, you wanted to discard of me in the nastiest, most confusing, most shock and gut wrenching way you felt possible because YOU only ever wanted to hurt me.

    You play victim so well but how many times did I ask for forgiveness when I didn’t know what I was asking it for? How many times did I find new things to apologise for? How many times did I ask to understand? How many times did I blame myself? Too many.

    I was always willing to let you go, just like I did every time you breezed in and out of my life over the last decade, but this time was different, this time you turned the tables, you made out like everything you had done to me is what I did to you! You can blame me for your behaviour, just like I did for so long now in and out of various intervals but really, you were just as cruel from the beginning of the end till the end of the end.

    I have been called everything, blamed for everything, everything is my fault, but then there’s never been a clear explanation to help me to understand that, you deflect with name calling, with screaming, with saying hideous things, crying victim.

    And now I see all those times we wer close, all those times I was vulnerable, everything I ever opened up to you over the years like I had no one else you were collecting over time until you eventually had enough information to use against me when you finally wipe me out.

    Well that’s it. You won’t hear from me again, and that I can guarantee, I can see where this is going, you see no reason, you treated me like shit and blamed me for my reactions. You failed to acknowledge those actions of your own that let to my reactions. There’s no sense here. I was called many names, amongst them narcissist. But now I fear, that in my search for reason understanding truth validation, a nicer ending that I have only succeeded against my intentions to find that I have “messed with” a very dangerous man.

    It’s like the end of the movie with a twist that changes the foundation of the entire story passed, it’s the critical factor that went unseen. And just like a video playback, there are moments grabs, were certain thing you said or did that meant one thing at the time, in context I see meant something else entirely. Those moments show me you were always with intention to navigate this all, the whole thing to the place it is now, to the place you want it to go next.

    I am afraid of you. I see it for what it is now and it frightens me. Youll not hear from me again, I have nothing to say, you relish in my hurt, you abuse my apologies, you refuse to tell me whatever it was that hurt you and if I don’t RUN like I should have, like I am now, perhaps too late, you will have everything you need to destroy me.

    I’m scared for you to know that after all of this, in the lowest of if, I can feel my strength. I can come back from the dead, it’s going to take a while but I want to move past this, now I see you for what you are I can feel my strength coming back, only parts of it, but it’s enough to survive, if only you’d just let me.

    You believe this is the way things end, i know that’s not me, it’s you.

    I am sorry I ever loved you because all it got me is abuse, I’m more sorry for me than I am for you. I’m not sorry for you, seeing it for what it is the only thing I’m sorry for is not seeing who u r sooner.

    The times we tried to salvage this year, you were just inching in to hurt me again and you did.

    It’s not okay but it is. This nearly killed me, now just find another victim and let me move on okay?

    It’s over.

    You brighten my life

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I was having a rough day today. Really a rough last week, altogether not really a great 2017 so far.

    Then you stepped in and brightened my day just by showing you care about me. It meant so much and I feel renewed to face the many challenges before me right now. As always, thank you for giving me strength. I love you.


    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    …it’ so cold without you

    my world is dull and grey

    my heart has frozen over

    i wish for u to come and melt my broken heart

    i miss u so much.

    always Dreaming of u,
    your fallen prince

    Miss u a lot

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Miss u. Y can u not say hello. Wish we could grab a drink n talk once in a while or just hangout when u r in town . Miss u a lot every day I wish things were different but it isn’t . How to forget u when little things remind me of u.

    I miss you & I miss your smile!!!

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I miss you so much!
    Every day, a little bit more! 🙁
    I always hope for the day that we will speak again!
    Have been waiting for so many years. I should give up and move on. But I can’t. I wish so much that you were part of my life..
    Will you ever contact me?
    Am I just wasting my time, hoping that we’ll speak again?
    I couldn’t be more sorry for everything on my part. Just feel like stuck to an extent because I never heard anything back from you after that.
    My heart completely aches sometimes..
    You used to hang around a fair bit I think and that just made me think even more that you too wanted to be part of my life, but I couldn’t be more wrong.

    I felt quite hurt still never knowing what you really want.
    I don’t know you. But always wished that I could and did….
    The first time we initiated contact you shared something and I wanted to continue a conversation with you from that but that isn’t something you wanted.. 🙁
    I don’t know what you wanted 🙁
    Still don’t 🙁
    You know I just wish you could be part of my life. Even if not that, just to know that you had forgiven me would be 100 million times better than never even seeing/speaking to you again.
    I would properly contact you again if it meant I could speak to you! But I have to respect your wishes! There’s no other way I can contact you. Thank gosh for this website. Not sure you even come on here. The optimist in me hopes you might! You were probably one of the most optimistic people I’ve ever met to date.
    This some people are in your life for a reason, others a season quote is the only thing that got me to this point from this.
    To be truthful, I have never cried so much over anyone. You meant & still do mean so so much to me! I wish you knew that! 🙁 but I don’t need to tell you any more times.
    I wish you would approach me. And I wish you would contact me. If you don’t want to do that and have no intention for any type of relationship then please stay away.
    As much as I’d wish you’d approach me, if you have no intention of anything then please stay away as all you are doing is making me hopeful only to again make me feel hurt and pained.

    I’ve learnt that I can no longer go through life being angry & resentful with myself. I am only human & I respect myself. No one is perfect. I am learning all the time. Yes I have done stupid things, but who hasn’t.
    I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve learnt from them. I am always trying so hard. This year my resolution is to be a better person. In the sense not putting myself down or at cost, but in the sense of being someone that I can look back and think I am so proud of “her”.
    When I do look back, I am incredibly proud of myself. But there’s always things that need a bit of editing.. :’D Sometimes I do ache due to consistent self-criticism but, am learning that I do matter too. Deep down I love myself. Every day I’m a little bit better, a little bit stronger.
    Still empathetic, but picking wisely who I overly show compassion towards.
    If someone’s got my back, then 100% I would have theirs, but I am more reserved about trusting nowadays. I am trying to think a bit more about me & how I feel. I’m quite protective of myself.
    My life is an open book to an extent. But only because I don’t see the point of being closed as have nothing obvious to hide.

    The one thing I do want to say: is as much as I’ve done wrong and in my books you’ve hurt me. I will always have my door open to you because I somewhat believe that one day things will be okay. I won’t be angry & blame myself anymore in the process, because all that matters at the end of it is life. Life is too short to have regrets & blamings.

    One thing i do worry about is if I ever forget what you look like. I have one picture of you with me. It’s only a group one. Sometimes I look at it when I miss you.
    Despite this, I will never forget the way you made me feel. :’) :The confidence & empowerment you gave me & most likely many others.

    At the end of the day.
    With all my heart I only wish the best for you even if that means it’s better for you if you never see me again. It will and does completely destroy me. But I want nothing more than for you to be happy & be loved even if it means I couldn’t be more hurt in the process.
    I love & miss you so much! Just so you know either way..