• The Hand That Feeds

    by  • July 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    You’re keeping in step
    In the line
    Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
    Because you do
    What you’re told
    But inside your heart it is black and it’s hollow and it’s cold

    Just how deep do you believe?
    Will you bite the hand that feeds?
    Will you chew until it bleeds?
    Can you get up off your knees?
    Are you brave enough to see?
    Do you want to change it?

    What if this whole crusade’s
    A charade
    And behind it all there’s a price to be paid
    For the blood
    On which we dine
    Justified in the name of the holy and the divine

    Just how deep do you believe?
    Will you bite the hand that feeds?
    Will you chew until it bleeds?
    Can you get up off your knees?
    Are you brave enough to see?
    Do you want to change it?

    So naive
    I keep holding on to what I want to believe
    I can see
    But I keep holding on and on and on and on

    Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
    Will you stay down on your knees?

    You’re the one I love the most

    by  • July 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Dear Cj,

    My heart can’t contain the love I feel for you.
    I love you very much, my child. I was carefree and unafraid to die before but now that I have you, I am more careful. I have to live for you because I know you need me and it is my responsibility to give you a good life.
    You have made life worth living.
    I’m sorry if I can’t be near with you all the time. I miss you everyday. I hope you’ll understand that I have to work in order to provide you all the things that you need. I don’t want you to experience the hardships that my parents let me through. I have to work far away from you coz there’s no opportunity to work nearby and I have to work so that your grandparents will not go hungry. Yes, my son that’s how poor your grandparents are. They grow old without savings. Well, I want to inform you that even when they’re younger they were not able to provide their children the basic necessities. They just give birth to 11 children (your mom is the 10th) and just let them live like birds :D
    Honestly, I hate them before but time had made my heart softer and right now they are very old to work. Your granddad is 82 and your grand-mom is 72 yrs old. And I want them to experience easier life in their twilight years.
    I hope you will understand… my son. I hope you’ll feel my love everyday even though I’m away physically. And I promise as soon as mom can save enough for a decent house and a stable source of income to give you even the basic necessities, mom will come home to be with you.
    May God favor and bless you always.
    I Love you. See you on your birthday.

    Love,
    Your mother

    Trying to forget

    by  • July 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I don’t really understand what’s happening.

    You were my deepest infatuation, an obsession at first. From the first day I laid eyes on you, Molly, I wanted to know you. You may not understand that, as I know you’re not the romantic type. But your unique beauty really had me.

    And when I finally had you I thought about how funny destiny could be. This girl that I hoped I would talk to actually became my girlfriend for at least a brief time. And you said I was your first love. If only that’s how things could have played out.

    I’m learning that passion is not enough. I still don’t know what it takes but I at least know this now. Because although I felt so strongly at first, although I had such a deep desire to know you, to kiss you, to have you to myself I realize now that this is not love. Love probably requires a much longer deeper period of connecting.

    Yet even though I know now that we are very different, that our similarities ended with music taste, I still think about you all the time. I know you’re over me and I wish you well. But I still struggle with our separation. I don’t understand why, we were only involved with each other for half of a year and it was so clear to me that I needed something else. I would guess I’m just feeling lust, since love does not have this quality. I’m not missing you for you, I’m missing you for the idea of you. I know you haven’t changed and I wouldn’t want you to.

    I wonder if I simply miss your feelings for me. I haven’t been able to make sense of how I feel about you. How could such senseless infatuation exist? I know it can’t form the basis for a loving relationship but it’s still there and I think about how I miss your company everyday.

    I miss your laugh. I miss your jokes. I miss how you would get flustered. I miss your lips. I miss you looking up at me with your beautiful eyes. I miss playing with your hair. I miss just sitting and listening to music with you. I miss hanging out in your room playing PlayStation. I miss having morning sex with you. I miss going to concerts with you. I miss talking about our greatest fears together.

    I sometimes blame myself for why I could not love you. Your free spirit intimidated me, your ability to not feel guilt for anything scared me, your infatuation with chaos and your taste in crazy friends turned me off and made me uncomfortable, and the way you made fun of my passion for math and engineering made me afraid to even be myself.

    Yet you made it painfully obvious to me that I don’t know who I am. I have a lot more growing to do. I can’t let fear of the unknown cause me to freeze up. I can’t be afraid to know what my needs are and to pursue them. I can’t act like a scared child and avoid my responsibilities just because our break up made me so sad I had trouble getting out of bed some days.

    This is the part where I want to say I still love you. I don’t know what I feel. The fact that I still think about you everyday and every night makes me think I love you some times. But I know it’s better this way, because I firmly believe that you deserve to be loved by someone who understands you more. I worshiped you, and I know now that’s the opposite of love. Love is when you’re the most aware of a person flaws yet you accept them anyway. I have yet to learn how to do this. I wish I was able to do it when we were together. It is something that I will work on to love the people that are still in my life, like my family and friends.

    It was hard to say goodbye. I still wish I could cuddle up with you after a long day. But I know that will never happen now. And I know someday we’ll both have new people and I’ll take the good memories and the useful lessons with me in secret. I’m glad that I set you free and that you’ve dealt with this in a healthy manner. I know that I’ll be okay and I’ll move on as well. I will work on my flaws and become the man I want to be.

    And I wish I could tell you this without sounding creepy, but your name is still on my lips. It is a beautiful name for a beautiful person. I wish you well.

    Back to real life?

    by  • July 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Well,

    Sometimes we’re laughing together, other times arguing. You hold me, confide in me, and you’ve apologized, and we confessed our true feelings. We’ve planned fun things together, and maybe we can work it out…

    Or maybe i’m just crazy because these interactions that I have with you aren’t real. Most of the time it’s automatic, subconscious, and you creep up in my mind and we have these conversations…you keep me company when I’m alone.

    I think about the paths we’ve been down. When I pass a dinner, I wonder if that’s the one we where picked up your little brother from at 2 am that morning. When I drive down a road, I wonder if it’s near the same road that we drove down together, that day that you were impressed by how I handled the telemarketers who kept calling me on our way to my house.

    This doesn’t feel normal. It feels scary and I don’t know how to keep these thoughts/episodes from occurring. It’s like i’m pathetic or obsessed, yet I’m not any type of stalker. I’m not schizophrenic, I know that, but I do feel crazy, in a way, and so I haven’t told anyone about it.

    -Concerned

    Maybe I’ll need therapy

    The struggle

    by  • July 22, 2014 • 1 Comment

    is real. As someone who’s been trying to deal with depression for over 4 years, I can honestly say that I just wish it were over. Everything. I’m tired of trying to make friends just to have them leave when things get rough. I feel like I’m a magnet who’s always in a non-polar position. I repel everyone. And being alone for this long sucks. If I died tomorrow, no one would care. I guess things are probably better that way. It makes it easier to think about.

    For the ladies in the house

    by  • July 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Ladies I would just like to spread a little wisdom that I have accrued over time. First things first self image. If you hate your ass or your tits or your feet or anything else about you. Know this, that is the only ass, tits and feet that you will ever have so rock them like they belong on billboards. You are the only you that you will ever have. If you spend your entire youth scrutinizing yourself then no one will ever be able to love you for you. Stop looking at other bitches and wishing you had what they have. Because those same bitches got issues themselves. #2. Never and I mean NEVER walk with your head down. It implies a lack of confidence. Always walk with your head up. Look people in the eyes and smile as they pass you. Walk with your feet straight not like a damn duck. You look like a damn mallard duck if your feet are not straight. Never slouch because you just look frumpy as hell. Look people in the eyes when you talk to them. It lets them know you are listening and that you are confident. To exude confidence lets people know “I know what I can bring to the table now what do you got”. #3 If a man does any of the following: calls you names, smacks you around, cheats on you, is not affectionate and acts embarrassed of you (FUCK HIM!)It is his loss. #4 don’t fuck with fake ass bitches. If you have friends that talk a whole lot of shit, best believe that bitch is talking about you when you ain’t around. This one is fairly simple, CUT THAT BITCH OFF! I personally like to call this last part the bitch switch. This comes when you finally have that ah ha moment. You will see that you have wasted both your energy and time into some shit that will never be worth you time or tears. Once you realize it you will be ready to flip your switch to the on position. When you do you will see that you know who you are. You are proud of that ass, tits or feet. You will rock them like they are red bottoms. You will meet peoples eyes as they walk past and the confidence that you will exude will bring more relationships your way. But word of caution, never go into a relationship with any expectation other than fun. If you do you will always be disappointed. Have fun and if he is meant to be then he will make sure that you know he wants you and ONLY you. If not, then no harm no foul cause you had a shit load of fun. You will then realize what you expect from a partner and you will not allow someone to treat you any type of way. You will demand respect and love at bare minimum. And he will know you are serious. You will not allow anyone to treat you less than you deserve and to that right one you will be able to give all of yourself. Trust and believe if he knows you he will know your breaking points and steer clear of them. And finally talking ass bitches. You will realize that those bitches are so insecure that they have to talk about others to make themselves feel good. And those bitches will never be brave enough to say that shit to your face. But in the event that they do, give that bitch a reason to think before they talk. Kat said it best “All real mother fuckers are waiting on that one opportunity to show a bitch they ain’t bullshittin”. The impression you want to leave them with is think before you open your mouth cause the bitch you talkin at just might be in tune with their star player and fuck you up! So ladies in closing: be kind and compassionate but strong and confident. Control who you let in and who you kick the fuck out. You will be happier, smarter, stronger and build meaningful relationships. Love yourself or no one ever will enough to make up for it.

    my life

    by  • July 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I am posting this letter because i know i can never tell this to anyone. My situation is helpless. I came to sydney 8 yrs ago and i have only completed diploma .i continuously want to study but due to financial problem i always struggle, I don’t have proper job that pays me enough to pay my school fees. My classes already started but i don’t have any money to pay i am here sitting and knowing what to do and what my options are. My sister helped me so much and she just got divorced and is broke now. She cant help me anymore.My parents are poor to support me and i cant tell them about my situation. I will be kicked out unless i get married to australian or pay my fees.I have a boyfriend he loves me but i cant tell him my situation coz i am afraid he will leave me .We have religion issue too so getting married to him is bit hard.I lie about myself to the friends and put fake smile in front of people but i don’t know what to do and who to count on to. My life is really mess.I never thought i would end up here all my friends have exciting career ,family and hope but i think suicide is the only thing left for me and i don’t want to do that because i love my family and my bf lot. what do i do ?