• Everybody’s Dream Girl

    by  • April 17, 2015 • 1 Comment

    Yet I am so flawed.

    So very, very, very flawed; and human.

    I am young.

    I am successful.

    I am intelligent.

    I am very pretty.

    I am becoming wealthy.

    I have a body “made for sin.”

    Yet I still bleed and I still cry..

    because I am human.

    For Paul

    by  • April 17, 2015 • 0 Comments

    I know you’re going through something very painful.
    I know you’re very depressed too.
    I am really sorry.
    I know have to hold it all together for so many reasons.
    You have to hold it together for the sake of your children.
    Your eyes look so sad, even when you smile. It breaks my heart.
    I understand how hard it is to be around a lot of people and I know you’re doing your best.
    I can feel your pain and it hurts me too.
    Maybe you don’t feel like you matter. You couldn’t be more wrong.

    I just wanted you to know that you’ve made such an impact on my life and have gotten me through things I never imagined going through. You have helped me more than you’ll ever know. You have gotten me through the worst times of my life. I don’t know what kind of mess I’d be right now if I hadn’t had you to help me. I can’t even begin to thank you.
    I just wanted you to know this.

    Thank you, Paul.

    I wish I could tell you how much I love you.


    by  • April 17, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Growing up my family had a lot of problems, but one thing I am grateful for is how insulated I was from one major character flaw that most of humanity, I’ve found, seems to possess in spades- DISHONESTY.

    That isn’t to say that I’ve never lied, and I’m certainly familiar with dishonesty’s distant cousin, indecisiveness.

    What angers me is how intentional lying is, how purposefully harmful it is at the expense of others solely to the benefit of oneself (don’t give me that “I lie to protect the other person” utter bullshit)…. and how nonchalantly people do it.

    Liars also seem to think of themselves as being quite clever or tricky. No. No, no, no. You play off of the love and trust of other people and they choose to believe in you. It just makes you shitty.

    Another thing I’ve learned is that the more celebrated a person is (well-liked, charismatic, respected, and so on) the bigger lies and other terrible character flaws seem to be hidden. I’ve started to completely distrust many people that others trust. The more that someone demonstrates his good deeds, humane works, kindness, and other things… the more I assume he is a total monster underneath it all. Do the do-gooders of the world do good things to try and balance out all of the shitty things they do behind closed doors?

    I wonder if I will ever get rid of all of this anger at the liars of the world so I can get back to being a good person someday myself.


    by  • April 17, 2015 • 0 Comments

    You know I’m prone to it and I know you hate it.

    Whatever. I guess I just won’t tell you how I feel anymore.

    If your message is that I don’t need you, well you’re doing a great job of proving that.

    Will I wait a lonely lifetime?

    by  • April 17, 2015 • 0 Comments

    It’s been months since we spoke. I know this doesn’t mean we’re broken up, I just wish you would talk to me.

    The loneliness churns my stomach and makes me weak. I’m desperate for any contact with you.

    I keep worrying that I said something to scare you off.

    Come back and talk to me, please. You’re the only thing that matters to me.