• I think you are here,

    by  • January 25, 2015 • 2 Comments

    So my letters will now have to stay inside my head, after this one, of course.. Even those I write to others in case you recognize them, too. It was nice to have a release, but if I wanted you to know my thoughts I would say them to you. But since you’ve most likely read something I didn’t mean for you to see, I need to start by saying, I can’t apologize for how I feel, but I do understand your view, too. We see things differently.. And that’s okay. We may not be as close anymore, but we are both happy, so it’s all good. You and I march to different beats, have different values, behaviors and expectations, always have. Neither way is right or wrong. But they just don’t mesh quite the same anymore. There are times when we can have a real blast together, but I think we just manage that better when there is a lot more distance involved. So, as you always say, “I’ll see yah when I see yah.” And when that happens all will be well from my end, because I love you dearly. I get it, I really do. Everything in life has a season. I know everything constantly changes and evolves. Life would be boring, if that weren’t the case. No matter what, I will always be glad to call you my friend..

    This isn’t love.

    by  • January 25, 2015 • 1 Comment

    How do you stay in love with someone who is never satisfied? Who appreciates nothing good in their life? Who only looks at the bad? The hard? Who thinks everything and everyone is out to get them? Who never notices all the things you do for them? Who never enjoys the little things in the life you share together?

    Why is nothing ever enough? Why isn’t my love, this child, our home, why isn’t it enough? Do you understand what you are putting us through? Do you realize that every negative thought you have makes me feel inadequate? Do you realize how unimportant you make me feel? Do you realize by constantly voiceing only the bad things in your life, that you make all the good things seem nonexistent?

    Everything I do for you, I do because I just want to make you happy SO BAD. I just want you to smile, and think to yourself “Yes, this is the life I want.” Instead I am constantly bombarded with what could be, what isn’t, what we’ll never have. What I should have done, what I didn’t do, what you think I’m going to do. How somehow, at some point, without any proof or justification at all, I have wronged you? Hurt you, deceived you. When in fact everyday, I’m here, waiting for you to be the person I fell in love with. Hoping and praying for once I did something right.

    Do you understand that that kind of negativity, that kind of mistrust to someone who has never asked you for anything, who has never done anything to hurt you, is killing me? This “love” makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. It is physically exhausting trying to keep up with your feelings, and emotions.

    Is he going to blame me for all the things his life lacks today? Or by bloody miracle, will he appreciate the life I have contributed to? It’s one thing to need to vent and get things off your chest, but to carry those things on your shoulder day after day and expect to hold the weight up all by myself… You’re asking for too much.

    When all you do is complain and whine and moan about only the bad things in your life, you make the people who love you feel so small, so irrelevant. Everytime you disregard every kind thing I attempt to make you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you blow the fucking candle out before I even get halfway there. And that eventually will leave you all alone.

    You think things are hard now? Imagine life without love, without sympathy. Imagine truly being alone with nothing to look forward to.

    Is it sad that that is how I feel now? To be with someone who you love more than life itself, and still feel so alone. And still have no one to talk about my own woes and worries. I just realized that this whole relationship, is about YOU. You minimalize my problems, and that’s not fair.

    This isn’t fair. This is not love.

    To the girl that crushed my heart

    by  • January 25, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Sorry I assumed that you were lying about that bachelorette party. You have just lied and flaked out so much on so many occasions in the past that it’s just hard to know if you’re telling the truth. It’s funny, when I think back I realize how many times I went to your dumbass things that you asked me to go to, or the time I would sacrifice to help you out, but then you wouldn’t even come visit me at lunch anymore or always blowing off our plans with the worst excuses ever. I took your ass our for sushi for your birthday and, you couldn’t even do anything for my birthday cause you had some lame ass excuse. Then you made a half ass attempt to fix that by trying to make Mike and I go out to eat or some bullshit when we already made a plan that night because your ass already flaked out on us. I also hated how you would go out drinking and partying and go to work the next day but, then if Mike and I Invited you to a party. You would use work as some excuse. Like you couldn’t once make an exception for me? After all the covering of shifts, buying your dinners, picking you up and dropping you off at bctc??!! I wish I wasn’t so blind, I did all that stuff for you since I liked you so much. I think the worst thing you ever did was when you asked me to cover for you at extreme pizza since it was like some holiday and, we didn’t have classes and, I said I would if you dropped by to say “Hi”. Then when I texted you, you said that you were on some dumbass date with a shithead fucker. I wish I just said what was on my mind at the time you told me that, “Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?”, “I spent my day off covering for you, so you could o on some dumb date” “you lying fucking whore” but, instead I just kept my mouth shut and tried to laugh it off. Then finally after dealing with all that I come to find out that you are dating some fat fucking, dick licking, drum taping, sweaty fuck. What do you even see in him that you didn’t see in me? I play instruments; I took you out on dates. So many that I should make you pay every fucking cent back. The funniest thing is when I first saw it on your FB I was so curios. I thought it was some muscle bound guy a ripped dude that fucking loves the gym. I was hurt at first but, at least it made more sense. Like you’re the type of girl that goes for looks instead of personality. Or maybe you’re just a fucking blind idiot whore bitch, you can choose?. When I saw that he was a fat drummer boy cock licker. It kind of made me sadder. Deep down I wished he was more muscular. So it would at least make sense why you would pick him over me. Although I was thinking that a ripped guy that tries really hard to get his body to look good, why would he waste his time and put up with your shit if you’re just a fat ass bitch who fucking flakes and leas on so many guys that you just deserve to be alone. Deep down I always hope that he just breaks your heart so fucking bad that you’re just a sobbing mess every night wonder why he did that. Like I use to, I would be up all night thinking about how I do all this stuff for you and, you still didn’t like me. It would kill me on the inside and, I just wanted the feeling out of my heart and brain. Also whenever you called e crying over some dickhead tranny fucker named Jacob fagtree (Jacob Fowell) didn’t like you. It would hurt me at first cause I like you so much. Although looking back it makes me smile, just to hear you in tears and heart pains you get from this guy not likening you were beautiful and it felt so good on the inside. It’s like you were finally getting SOME!!!! Of what you deserved, from leading me on and, so many other sad fucks on. Now I just fucking hate you. Every time my mom brings up your whore name it just sickens me. Even though you aren’t in my heart any more, just the simple thought of you angers me. I just think about all the lame ass shit you put me through and just how bull mother fucking shit it is that we never ended up together. So much wasted time and money. If I could go back in time I would have told you to “fuck off whore” when you picked up my pen and, gave it to me. I’m going to try my best to never think of you ever again, I think it’s fair to say I never ever want to see you again. Unless you are crying in heart break, but that only just to laugh at you. So here’s hoping I get memory loss and forget your fat fucking cute face.

    P.S. The sad thing is. I just wanted someone to cuddle with, to love, to talk to and just have someone like that. Not just to fuck like Jacob or Travis or man other douche bags you hooked up with, you were pretty much the first girl I chilled with and hung out with regularly when I got out of college and, it was awesome. I never wanted it to end. It’s sad to look back and think all of it was for nothing. While the times we had together were fun I just wish it could have been more.
    P.P.S Its funny how ever one I asked, even Jacob Hope, said that your attempt to hook Gemma and I up was fucking laughable to say the least. You didn’t know shit about her even though she was your “supposedly” best “friend”. I even got her number myself, you also though that Matt was just her friend. You didn’t do shit you bitch. Everyone agrees, you claim that the movies and waffle house thing was enough but, when we would all go, it more seemed like friends hanging out. Now she is with some dude. Thanks for fucking me on that one and, then you couldn’t even apologize for it. You said it was somehow my fault. Fuck you!!!
    P.P.P.S. I think you would make a fucking terrible teacher. You are terrible at making plans and keeping them. Also you are not fucking organized at all. Those are pretty much the main things of being a teacher and you already fucked. Good luck getting a job without someone having to hook you up with one XD>

    Miss you so much

    by  • January 25, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Rob, is it because you’re so busy that I never hear from you? I feel like an imposition every time I contact you at the moment. So I wait for you to make contact and you never do. I don’t want to seem so bloody needy but the truth is I am, I need you I miss you and I love you. I feel like this is out of my control, I wish you needed me like I do you. I wish you felt you couldn’t get through too many days without contact, but you clearly can. I believed recently that you might love me too, but I think I’m kidding myself. I keep listening to the song you sent but it’s not making me feel better any more, you’re the only one that does that and I can’t have you here with me, guess I have to just learn to live with that.

    Dear

    by  • January 25, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Dearest, I am in Maryland for a week, but then I’ll be home. I miss you. I wish that there was no distance between us right now. I want to wake up in the morning snuggled up next to you. For now you’ll be in my dreams where I can do that. I want to love you by walking hand in hand with you. I have to go. I’ll write more soon.

    Love,
    Ashley