• jealous of T

    by  • December 19, 2014 • 1 Comment

    I’m really jealous of your coworker.

    She’s all the things I know I’m not anymore. She’s smart. She’s pretty. She’s witty. You see her 8 hours every day, hang out, laugh at the same jokes, like the same movies and books, wax philosophical together. I miss doing that stuff with you, and when you mention anything about her, I feel cold inside.

    I don’t think you’d ever cheat on me, but I feel so inadequate when you talk about her.

    Today, I offered to bring you something you wanted. You said no, that T was taking you to get it. :( I can’t describe the hurt this makes me feel.

    I am me because of ME!

    by  • December 19, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I AM ME BECAUSE OF ME!

    This is my therapy:
    Since I don’t get “I’m proud of you” from my parents – I will give it to myself and vent while I am at it:
    I am proud of the mother I became. Despite of the example that was set for me, I love my children unconditionally and would give my life for them in a heartbeat without a second thought. I do not use them as pawns in a game to get attention from others and treat them poorly behind closed doors. I am not emotionally abusive to them and try every day to be the best mom I can be, and some days I’m not the best, but I try. I do not surround my children with people who put them down, abuse them and treat them poorly. I would claw the eyes out of anyone who wanted to cause them harm, physical or mental. I am caring, protective (sometimes too much) and loving. I am strict and strong, but flexible when I need to be. I am accountable as a mother and know I don’t do everything right, but I try to do what’s best at the time. I am sorry for when I fail them and proud when they succeed. I would spare them all the pain of the world but can’t because I know they can’t grow into healthy adults without loss. I will always be there for them, thru thick or thin, no matter what.

    I am proud of person I became. Despite the example that was set. I am not cruel and mean like my father. I am loving and kind and believe there is good in people. I do not put people down to make myself feel better. I am empathetic and understanding. I love unconditionally and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am forgiving but not stupid and do draw boundaries, but can be stubborn at times. I am not calculated like my mother. I do not do for others with strings attached. I am giving and humble.

    I am proud of things I have achieved. I completed college – pushed thru and became the first person in my family to get a bachelor’s degree. I worked hard and deserve to be recognized for this. Not for what I can do for someone, but for what I did for myself.

    I don’t deserve to be treated poorly by people who do not call me or even care about me. It hurts terrible that the two people who created me and the one person still alive could care less if I were alive or dead. He has never called me, never reached out, never anything and it hurts and I’m angry. But, I will not let this anger or hurt consume me, or make me treat others poorly. I will love my family with all my heart, do everything I can the help and guide them. I will love my children unconditionally forever and always be there for them.

    I will try to be easier on myself, understand I don’t have to be perfect. Recognize my pain and anger and try to move one from it and not dwell on it. I will recognize and try focus on the positive and not let the negative things change who I want to be or how I act.

    To my father:
    On 12/17, I called to say I love you, that’s it. NO agenda, no request for anything, just say I love you. You were mean, short and could care less I called. I had not spoken to you in over 2 years, and you blew me off. You got off the phone without as simple ”I love you too”. What should I expect; I have never gotten that before. I will not call you anymore, this was the last time. I am done looking for the I’m proud of you or I love you too….I realize that you are getting up there in age and one day you will not be here anymore, but I will not allow this reality to guilt me into calling for abuse and hurt. I am over it. Despite all the hurt and pain, I don’t hate you; I actually LOVE you a lot. I refuse to subject myself to hurt and pain anymore, I will not call again.

    I will never send this to him because I know he does not care and it will fall on deaf ears, but it makes me feel better to just write it down.

    To my mother:
    I miss you every day. This time of year is difficult. I am still mourning the loss of a mother, but what kind of loss am I really mourning. Our relationship was not the best. I had to draw boundaries and distance myself from you because of how I felt by your comments and lack of love. I am really mourning the relationship I wish I had. The one I have with my children. The unconditional love, wanting what’s best for them, being sorry I yelled a lot because I was having a bad day and telling them sorry. I wish we had that, I wish I had the mom that would be there no matter what just because I was her daughter, not because there was some hidden agenda. But in spite of everything, I love you a lot and miss you terribly, every day. I wish you could see my children, they are wonderful and amazing. I wish we could mend and build the mother daughter relationship, but more than anything, I just wish you were still here.

    I try so hard to find the positives and down play the trauma and pain caused by my parents. Not all of it is realistic, but it does show the good I have in me despite the pain and anger that I could dwell on.
    1. I am a very independent person because of them. I had to be in order to survive and thrive in a loveless upbringing.
    2. They did the best they could – what a bullshit statement – I am not like them, I do better not because of them, but because I want better. Better for me, better for my children, better for the future.
    3. I am strong and resilient and never quit. I learned to survive and grow and get stronger to overcome all the obstacles of my life.
    4. I am a better mother because of them. I broke the cycle; I chose the harder path and never let my childhood define my future.
    5. I am accountable and humble. I take responsibility for my actions, don’t take what is not mine and do not think I am owed anything. I work hard for things I achieve and recognize the people that helped me get here, directly and indirectly.
    6. Because of them I am ME; whether it be in spite of them or because I did not want to be like them, I am a kind , loving , generous person.
    7. But more importantly I am me because of ME; I did not let my childhood define my adulthood. I did not use it as a crutch to not succeed or an excuse to act poorly. I chose the hard path and changed, rewrote the family dynamics to break the abuse cycle and I am most proud of this. I am me because of ME.

    Confessions of a Lovestruck Teen

    by  • December 19, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Dear Tyler M.,

    I know you’ll probably never read this, but I really hope you do and finally realize how I feel about you. I really don’t want you to be another “one that got away”, but I don’t really have guts to confess to you in person, so I resorting here to finally PROCLAIM MY LOVE.

    When we first me at the beginning of the year, I knew that I fell for you. You’re not really *that* good looking (no offense), but there is something about you that caught my eye and made you stuck in my head till now – is it your dreamy looks or your pretty hot body? But one thing is for sure, I have never spent a day without thinking of an alternate universe you and I are together. I would love to spend my days in that dreamland, thinking of all the cute things that we would do together and the way that we would be “the golden couple”, only to fall hard on the cold, hard ground of reality that you have a “girlfriend”.

    Whenever I see you with Kate G., I really don’t know how I feel. It’s a blow to me, to realize that what I want to occur will only happen in my dreams and not in real life. When you guys are hanging out together, I would think of all the things that you would do… everything that I want to do with you. Especially on Friday when I saw you and her together buying homecoming tickets, my heart sank a little – the person that I really wanted to go with was already going with someone else… And that time in the art room when you were close to her, almost cuddling her. I desperately want to see that I’m everything you want and need.

    I have seriously spent so much time listening to Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me”. I’ve also spent time trying to get over you, but giving up every time you give me that captivating smile or you reply to my messages. I know I might be making a big deal of something that is so small, but my brain loves to fool me into think that “we” have a future. But every time I try to talk to you, I end up freezing up, scared of making a fool out of myself (and ironically making myself look like a babbling idiot). I know that you are as straight as a pole, but I’ve spent so much time praying that you would turn out to be gay (or at least bi) – yes, I’ve seriously done that. I’m scared of asking you in person, especially since I’m probably the only “out” person in the whole school and you would probably ignore me/purposely avoid me even more. I’ve also tried (attempted) to be “friends” with you, but all I get from you are signs that you aren’t interested (but then again, I kinda suck at the “social scene” thing)

    I really don’t want to break you and Kate (I really don’t, believe me – you guys make up a great couple) and I hope you guys are happy at homecoming and you guys have a great time.

    But it’s now time to face the facts, to wake up and realize that there is nothing ever going to happen between us (romantically) in any way. That there is no such thing as “us” and that I’m wasting my time and energy dreaming about you. So in a way this is my confession letter. But this is also kind of a goodbye letter. Goodbye to all the “what-if”s. Goodbye to “does he love me?” and “what does this mean?” I’m letting this big crush go, before it consumes me. Goodbye Tyler, and you’ll always be in my heart.

    Sincerely Yours,
    Anonymous K.Y.

    P.S. If anyone has any helpful tips for getting over someone, or any personal stories, please feel free to comment below.

    “All secrets sleep in winter clothes.”

    by  • December 19, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I doubt I was ever important to you & now I love another, but sometimes I wonder if the connection I felt was as real to you as it was to me, or was I just making a fool out of myself again? I’ll never know, simply because you’re not the type to wear your heart on your sleeve. Your silence has always been deafening, but for whatever it’s worth, those moments with you were a little piece of a sanctuary for me that I never got to thank you for & unfortunately never will. Some advice: Do not let the world harden your heart. I will not let it harden mine anymore.

    Dear you..

    by  • December 19, 2014 • 1 Comment

    Dear you,

    i have never thought that i will love you like this. until after i realise my heart is in so much pain.. what did you do to me ? you have bewitched me body and soul.

    Only see you in my dreams

    by  • December 19, 2014 • 0 Comments

    T,
    It’s almost been a year since things went wrong. To this day I still ask my self why this all happened and I still struggle to find an answer. I miss you so much. You have no idea how much I miss you. Loosing a best friend is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. It doesn’t seem fair to me, you don’t seem to care about me at all anymore when I’m stuck here with you constantly in my mind. On top of us not being best friends anymore, it seems like the respect you had for me is gone. At that party, where you walked past me all night not saying hi until I was literally standing in front of you. At that party where you started at me dead in the face and then started hooking up with some girl, then when you heard me yell to my. Friends that we were leaving, looked up at me once again and then kept hooking up with her. That was the moment when I realized that you were truly gone. The old you would never do something like that, especially to me. The worst part about this is that I was in love with you, and I’m sure you were fully aware. But I never cared if you knew or not, I didn’t think you did either. I can’t help but think If that’s why this all happened. im getting better at not blaming myself though, I’m realizing now that not everything is my fault, that I can’t fix something that doesn’t want to be fixed. I’m accepting the fact that you don’t care about me anymore. Just know that I will always be here for you, I will always care about you, and I will always love you for who I KNOW you are inside.