• Where We Are

    by  • April 24, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I can’t really be mad at you because I understand how you feel too well.

    We’ve had this on again, off again thing going on for five years. That’s a really long time.
    Every time we’ve been together for a long time, you’ve eventually gotten really depressed.
    I know that you’ve been struggling with depression for way longer than you’ve known me.
    I know it’s not my fault.
    But, it doesn’t change the fact that something about being with me for a long period of time makes it come back.
    Maybe it’s just as simple as the fact that we’re too different.
    Maybe we just can’t give each other what the other one needs.

    When we first met, and the depression would set in, you would take it out on me.
    You would get cold, and distant, and sometimes really mean.
    I would eventually get so hurt that I would leave.
    Then a month later, you’d reach out again. You missed me, you needed me around, you said.

    Later, you stopped taking it out on me. You would stay kind, you would treat me well.
    You would start internalizing it instead.
    And eventually, you would get too depressed to be with anyone. You would want to isolate yourself.
    You would want to be completely alone. So you’d leave me instead.
    You were just depressed, you needed to disappear for a while, you needed a break, you said.

    The last time I left I was gone for three months. That’s the longest we’ve been away from each other since we met.
    I really thought it was over. I was sure there wasn’t anything left.
    But you came back to get me. You were wrecked. You told me you loved me.
    You told me you couldn’t stand the thought of walking away and throwing away what we had.
    You said you wanted to be together. You said you thought I was it. You said you thought about marrying me.
    You told me that you would respect my decision, but you hoped you’d see me again.
    The air was heavy with regret and with heartbreak.

    I thought and I thought for a week, after that. I thought about the sweater you were wearing when you said that.
    I thought about how soft your eyes looked when you spoke.
    I thought about the way you sat by me and held my hand. Handed me your heart and trusted whatever I did with it.
    About the way the lamplight cast shadows of your lashes on your cheek.

    And I came back.

    And now, four months later, here we are again. You’re so depressed that you don’t leave the house
    unless it’s to go to work or go grocery shopping. You’ve been getting worse and worse.
    Don’t think I didn’t notice.
    I didn’t see you for a week, and today you texted me to tell me what you’ve told me before:
    I’m depressed.
    I can’t be with anyone right now.
    I feel like we need to take a break.
    I just want to disappear for a while.

    And I get it. I understand. I can’t be angry with you. I know that sometimes we want things for ourselves
    and our mental health has other plans for us.
    I just wish I could trust you, but I know that you can’t even trust you when you’re not in control.
    It’s not your fault.
    I wish I knew how to support you better. I wish I knew how to help.
    I’m afraid that when you’ve finally beaten this again, and you reach out to me again, I won’t come back.
    Because I’ll know that even your best intentions can come crashing down and leave me alone again.
    But the thing I’m probably the most afraid of, is that I will come back.
    That I won’t be able to stop.


    by  • April 24, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I have fallen.
    I try to get up.

    I lift the world.
    I am drowning.

    Running out of air.


    I’m sorry

    by  • April 24, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I’m pissed, but I am sorry for the way I treated you last night. A lot of what I said wasn’t true. I just wanted to hurt you, and I know that was wrong. You deserve better than that. I think I need some time to cool down. Please forgive me, I really do want to be better than that and I know I can be.


    You Left Me Heartbroken

    by  • April 24, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I know you had to go. I know why you had to go. But just know you left me heartbroken.. Without you, I don’t know what to do. I thought we’d be together forever, but then again, I thought. I miss you. Everyone misses you. But, even though this isn’t really your fault, I just, can’t forgive you. I don’t know why, but a part of me just, can’t forgive you for what you have done. To them. To me. To us. I just can’t. I don’t mean to hate you, I just can’t let this slide. I’m sorry, but this is just now things must be.

    To all my friends who are fighting

    by  • April 24, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I wish you would all just STOP. You all fight so much I’m finding it hard to find joy in the group anymore. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it there, we have our good times, it’s just there’s so much fucking drama I can’t focus on being happy. I love you all with all my heart, I really do. But I just can’t take the fighting anymore. I am not a fighter. I’m disappointed you would all start to slowly hating anymore. For the ones that had left, Yes, I get they were forced. But it’s just too much for me to take it anymore. Em, we love you. But when you go off and talk shit, it’s hard for us to trust you to not do it again.

    I wish I could find more happiness. I’ll just continue to bottle up my feelings but release them into this letter, and onto this site. John, we love you. I wish you could just listen once to what I and the others say because you really never do. Starving yourself? Not good. We tell you to stop, you never listen so that might be why Em just doesn’t care anymore if you do or not. Because yes, it matters that you are alive. But we can’t just keep trying to stop you just for you to threaten to do it anyways which really isn’t funny.

    And then there’s the whole Angelica situation where Church and her are practically enemies now and never talk to each other. Our little family is falling apart and none of you even realize it because you are so caught up in all the drama, and just like me you can no longer find that much joy in the group anymore because of it. And it’s not like we can just change. If we don’t do something, though, our family WILL fall apart.

    Oh, and don’t get me started on Kitty. She’s so stressed now she no longer is ever in a good mood! She changed and it’s all because of some “show”. She said it’s a big deal, but harming yourself over it? Really? That’s your “stress solution”? That’s not how it works.

    I love you all, I really do, but sometimes you are all too much. Seriously. I won’t deactivate but if you carry on with the drama, then i will leave. I just want you all to be happy. I’m very disappointed in all of you for fighting so much.

    summer sounds

    by  • April 24, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I like the kids sounds coming from my neighbours. It’s relaxing and joyful as long as they play and keep their distance. But I don’t get how parents hold up with the constant noise. They must have nerves of steel.