You walked in yesterday in your suit. I looked you up and down and bit my lip because I could literally imagine myself stripping it off you. Or you doing naughty things to me while wearing that suit. You said to me ‘control yourself now’, then smirked and looked away. You love it.
If this carries on, we will be sleeping together again soon, boss.
Remember the first movie we watched together? I know you wanted me to watch it. On the surface it made sense. I took lessons from it, what the protagonist had to do to win his love.
It wasn’t about that though was it? It wasn’t about the protagonist winning her over, it was about why he lost her.
I’ve been grappling with this idea the last few weeks, as some things started making more sense. Initially it really upset me. Like, “this is bullshit, not what I signed up for”. I reserved comment however, as I’ve learned my first reaction isn’t necessarily how I really feel, but is just that, a reaction. I’m trying to really flesh out my feelings before I share them with you. So here it goes:
It makes me really sad. For many reasons I won’t get into now. I’m not angry about it tho, I understand why you wouldn’t be open about it. I was a different person when we met; I wouldn’t have handled it very well. I don’t want to think about it, but the truth is of paramount importance to me. Someday I’ll ask you to tell me everything, and I want you to be honest. But what is really important for me to say now is that it doesn’t really change anything for me. I accept you for everything you’ve been, everything you are, and everything you will be.
What’s done is done. I love you no matter what. I just want to be with you baby.
No matter what I do, no matter I say to myself, no matter how much I try to even avoid the thought of you, you are everywhere. Whether I’m at the store, watching tv, on the internet, I see and hear your name everywhere… One of my favorite shows has your name in it, my cousin talks about her friend Sam all the time(what do you know! Yay….), I go to the store and get a coke and it has your name on it, I just watched a movie that had Scarlett Johansen in it, and her voice reminds me of yours, I even went for a drive to Gettysburg that’s 2 hours away to a museum and I heard this couple talkin and they were mentioning someone they know named Samantha…. Everywhere I go, I can’t escape you… Anything I try to do, always leads right back to you, no matter how much I try to hate you, it doesn’t amount to how much love I have for you…. And while I sit here, broken hearted, you are having the time of your life…. Not even worrying about me…. Not even caring about what you did to me, or the affect it has on me…. I deleted all your messages, erased all your pictures, and for the life of me, I can’t get your smile out of my head, the smile that has stuck with me for all these years, and I can’t get your voice out of my head, the voice that lead me to believe that you loved me…. I sit here right now, in the dark, laying on my couch, wondering why…. Why did you have such an affect on me, why did you do the things to hurt me, why did you lead me on, why did you make me fall in love with you so hard…. And why, why did you leave me here…. All alone…. And you are nowhere to be found… Nowhere to be heard…. Nowhere…..
Two-and-a-half years is the time that you occupied my heart and mind. Plus the past seven months since you left. It seems a lot longer than that — when it’s all said and done.
I let you take over and engulf my mind, body and soul. And happily you did. My home, my work hours, my free time, my family, my friends and even my sleep wasn’t really mine when I was with you. But still I handed you the keys. Gave you all of my attention and made you the center of my universe. But you didn’t even realize all I was giving and you could never repay me even half of what I gave to you. You bled me dry and you were too high to even see it or care. How long will you hide from your emotions?
You were never really mine. You wouldn’t open up and let me in so I could see the real you. That I know. Still I gave all of myself to you. And even that didn’t make you want me in the end. You kept yourself hidden and unavailable. And kept me jumping for a key that you held over your head, but had no intention of ever giving me.
I could never be enough for you. Even if I was the one with the house, the career, the education, the bigger heart. You always made me feel inferior and not good enough. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. You were simply killing time until you could get to where you want to be. Making me jump through invisible hoops. And I helped you. And you were also killing me.
Now I’m still here and you gone off to chase the magic dragon. Everything finally became clear. You never were going to find a job there was never going to be a future you and me. So you went off to the mountains and left me to pick up the pieces of a broken hurt you couldn’t bear to stick around and see. Still happy to pull the strings from a world away. If I would keep letting you.
But now I’m not giving you a second more of my time. You don’t deserve me as a friend or a future back-up plan. I deserve more. Even your sister told me that. And now, seven months later after you left me the second time, I’m finally saying goodbye. You can’t hurt me any more because you’re just a memory too me.
I hope you don’t do this to someone else. You have no idea the pain you have caused. I hope someday I can forgive you because you are a dark, twisted soul, but now all I can say is goodbye. You’re a stranger.
I get to a point in my emotional state that i just can’t take it. Everyone does i guess, and i know I’m not the only one and I also know I am not in as such a bad a place as others may be, but at this point i can’t take it. The anger builds and builds and builds and i contain it. I try and releive it. I do what I must to keep going and not stop and keep my drive high and let the anger go. But at some point when i break, in my head, in my own world the anger envelopes me and i am the only one. I myself am the only person who is alive and furious. But as the anger fades from the tantrum, its the depression, the true monster striking the truest blow to my heart. As if the anger protects me from the initial flood of depression of the mental break. Even so it envelopes me, drowns me. Tears endless tears pour and pain surfaces, and my will fades into the background. LIke a forgotten memory. All of the bad and wrong in life grows and becomes massive. That happy go lucky feeling and lifestyle shatters and nothing but me in my head is left. Its happened so much but yet it never gets easy or better and i never get stronger or happier. Any it seems as though the fast way out would be easier but yet to scared to take that door. How long? How much anger and sadness can i endure before my psyche finally decides its enough and it just happens. How to i change or fix or be better are the questions that constantly float around in my head and i just want it to stop and see and do and be better and i wonder why do i feel this why do i act as if there is nothing better in life but yet i know better. Like my brain says keep going but my heart is saying let it end. Nothing in life is worth taking your own life… but why do i feel so much anger and sadness from the small things that build. How are kids trying to get out and make a life for themselves to do that when the adult acts as a child. When the only selfless person in the house gets the most hell. Why must i feel this way.
That if we could go back, we would both have done things differently. That’s why the past isn’t very important to me anymore. For a long time it was, but I’ve managed to forgive you. The same way I hope you can/have forgiven me. I really believe our intentions were always good; we’ve never wanted to hurt each other. We just approached the same problem from two different directions, and it took some time for us to meet in the middle. Maybe were not completely there yet, but were SO close.
Lets move past our tortured history. Lets embrace our glorious future. You know how special we can be; I know you saw the envy in others eyes just like I did when we were together. We’ve both grown so much as people, and I can tell our relationship has become stronger for it.
I love you.
I had a coworker. She was insecure and needed constant affirmation. When I said something that made her feel good she repeated what she had said because she wanted to hear it again and again and again. She worked harder than everyone else, did much more than would have been necessary. Despite of this, she was extremely anxious and sensitive to any (potential) criticism. In the end she gave up trying to reach her goal and quit. She had been so much better than the underachiever who took over her position, but in contrast to her he had the superstar attitude and got what he wanted…
Don’t make the same mistake. Don’t sabotage yourself.
I guess I just don’t get how you don’t care. Maybe if I was some random girl you took home one night, I could see it. The thing is I’m not just some random girl and you know that. You will remember that. I can’t seem to keep myself from crumbling down around you, i struggle to hold up any sense of dignity and grace. I don’t think I owe you a reason as to why I succumb to your toxicity because that isn’t the main concern right now. The fact of the matter is, you fucked up by how you handled a fuck up. It was never about the actual pregnancy, it will always be about how you went about it afterwards. They say you can’t control the things that happen to you in life, but you can control how you react. Well, you pretty much decided your fate when you did absolutely nothing. You aren’t sorry that you didn’t check up on me while I was throwing up from morning sickness, you’re not mournful that I had to be put under with an iv just to get your baby vacuumed out of my body in a lab. You won’t feel the empty pain when you check your phone and realize that the person who did this to you isn’t going to call, can’t muster a single conversation in acknowledgement of someone else’s pain. Your indifference towards me in this time has proven your lack of compassion towards human beings other than yourself. I never told you I felt pain. I didnt want you to feel sorry for me or feel as though this affected me in any way. I think that right there is a wake up call for me to realize that I’m not comfortable enough to stand up for myself around you. We both know we have had a bittersweet past, the memories are like a mixed drink with two shots of electricity to complement every one of toxicity. I have realized that I need to put those memories behind me and take you for who you’re presenting yourself as today, which has not been favorable in relation to myself. I don’t damn you in all aspects of your decisions, just the ones you make in accordance to me. Every one has their own faults and weaknesses, their own go to excuses and shields of pride when faced in situations they don’t want to be in. However I don’t know that I will be able to accept yor faults any time in the near future. What you have done to me in this situation is far worse than anything you have ever said to me out of anger. I guess I’m disappointed in you as much as I am in me; how funny is it that all disappointment in life is derived from our own expectations of how things could/should be? Remarkable. This brush of reality forced me into sobriety of thought when it comes to what your actions say about you. Notice I have not yet deemed you a bad person, or in any way labeled you according to these truths. I have only explained how your actions correlating to this situation have made you look. I’m sure you’re embarrassed, I’m sure you already know this is a new low even for you. I just want to know how you can screw me over after knowing me for three and a half years. Tumultuous years, I admit, but ones I have never forgotten. Though the time has passed i still feel what it felt like to experience every one of those memories. The stab of loosely thrown words or the rush of adrenaline whenever we closed the door behind us. Maybe that’s just it, I haven’t found someone who matches that cold adrenaline that I feel when I’m around you. Does knowing this make you feel any more regretful? I guess I’m starting to see your actions as less of a betrayal than a reflection of my own self worth. I betray myself by allowing you in time and time again only to know you’ll leave.
I don’t care if you don’t respond out of pure indifference towards my feelings. I won’t be surprised because that is what you have done to me after knowing I carried your child. Can I just ask you one question: did you ever imagine that kid existing, even for a glimpse? Maybe it being one or two, or perhaps seeing it as a grown adult. Walking down a busy street because they craved that energy and whimsical lust that the city has to offer like I did at this age. I’ve tried to imagine them not becoming as fucked up as i expected them to be, out of the circumstances of their coming of existence. Even so, they would have been beautiful.
I know you are aware that I don’t exactly have the need for maternal feelings, but believe me when I say I’ll never push what I did in that clinic out of my mind. Even though those three weeks of prenatal physical torture consumed me, a tiny sliver of my heart will hold on to what it felt like to carry a life inside of me other than my own. Maybe this won’t be the only time I will ever get pregnant, but I will never be able to forget the decision I made for myself. And you know what, one day I’ll forgive you and look at you as an innocently flawed individual, but until then i need to heal from what your actions have made me realize. I can no longer hold on to you as if youre going to slip out of my grip, because that probably wouldn’t be a bad thing if you did. I don’t know what your thoughts were from the time you left Vegas in august up until now but you don’t owe them to me. All I want is for you to wake up one day and go about your daily routine until one sudden thought makes you think of me. Maybe you’ll be walking down the street to get groceries or hailing down a taxi in New York when you suddenly think, wow I wonder how she is. Not because of what you did to me, but because you’re genuinely interested. I guess that’s all I’ve ever wanted from you: genuine interest.