• Now I’m Undecided

    by  • December 12, 2017 • 0 Comments

    You know at first when you said we should call it off I was destroyed. I remember being at a stop sign and just bawling my eyes out. You told me we should continue being like best friends. That felt like a punch to the gut. I was so mad at you, but I couldn’t hate you because i loved you. I just agreed.
    Days passed and you called me. I didn’t answer because I was in spinning class but I would have in a heart beat. I later sent you a very bland text ” Whats up”. You called me immediately after and told me it was a mistake leaving me. You told me you loved me for the first time right then.
    Sure enough I was pulled back to you, but this time it felt so different for me.
    It was so easy for you to just leave me as if i was nothing. I love you, but I love myself much more. The pain you put me through is something I can get over, but not something Id like to do again. You pushed me away and my mind is telling me to stay away. My heart may want something completely different, but the reality is…YOU LEFT ME. Now where there was unconditional love only lies fear. Fear that one day like before you will randomly leave. I can’t stop overthinking, and the doubt that has taken over won’t allow my heart to let you back in.
    Maybe its the best for the both of us to just let that flame burn out.

    Love you,
    A

    If u have 2 ask u’ll never know

    by  • December 12, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Well well Mr mann

    Im not sure if id like to choke the living shit out of you or rip your heart out and shove it down your throught. If your mouth is moving i know your lying ass self absorbed jackass who thinks he is above it all and you think you can just take from from a child and think NOTHING of it. Destroying not only their childhood but their hole self being. How dare you.
    now this is something Presron would roll over for iam sure of it.but then maybe it was something that was passed down from grandfather to father to son and i pray it dont reach your son.
    You know just what iam talking about and your little princess that you claim to not know or associate with she is just fuc*** up as you are and both of your shenanigans and fraudulant activities. You both claim to not have phones or computers thinking you can delete you shit.or use someone else’s name i think its called identitity theft and i hope you both get what you deserve .and my God have mercy on both your souls .

    Long Year

    by  • December 12, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Hey Dude
    Typing this makes me feel like I can just talk to you like everything is normal. Like it hasn’t been a year. We were only close for a year. I thought it would take that long for me to stop thinking about everything that happened. I’ve thought of contacting you 100 ways, but every-time I figured my involvement in your life at all would just set you back, especially if I told you I didn’t want to reconnect. I think my desire to apologize IS selfish. What isn’t? But I’d love to get those selfish apologies, and the things I never said to you out there. So here we go.

    I’m sorry I hurt you. That’s a good one. I want to defend myself but even if my heart was in the right place. I hurt you and I’m sorry.

    I’m sorry I introduced you to them. I think all the time that I wish I’d been a little more confident, a little less naive. I would have gone alone that night or never gone at all.

    I’m sorry we had sex when you were drunk. I know I asked. I know you said you were ok to consent. I know it was still an upsetting experiance. I should have known better. I know better now.

    I’m sorry that I lied to you. I know you said that was ok too. That you didn’t want to know. But I still feel bad.

    I’m sorry I didn’t leave sooner. I had this fantasy in my head of all of us over our jealousy together and happy and in love. I really want you to know that. I didn’t want to tear us apart. I loved you all.

    I’m sorry I slapped him in the face. I’m sorry about what I said when I did it. I know I already apologized but I kind of didn’t mean it then. I am actually sorry now. Not for slapping him but for doing it in front of you and yelling.

    I’m sorry I let my fear of you liking me get in the way of me being honest with you. About the drinking, about my feelings for him, about my jealousy too.

    I hope you don’t think I hate you. I don’t. I hope you think I’m just an asshole. If you have to think anything about me at all. I would hate it if you still missed me.

    Since we stopped talking some things are really awesome for me and some suck. I have a great job. A great partner. A great dog! An entire apartment. I don’t have nightmares every night anymore. I smoke weed every day though and every time I try and work on that all THIS comes up. So yeah. Selfish. I know.

    I got shocked by a haphazardly plugged in computer cords and I decided electricity was a good metaphor for this pain. It’s not good or evil. It can fuel you or kill you. Depends on what you do with it. It’s a lot of work to turn raw powerlike lightning into something useful. Lightning is also useful, but I’m losing my metaphor. I hope your shit helps you light the whole world. I’m trying to work on my wiring to do the same.

    I know this is normal. To fall out. To have problems. To not be liked. You are probably the only person in the world who could truly understand what I was going through, and even you can’t. We are still separated by our perspective, our fears, I don’t want to get shocked again.

    Maybe some day I’ll know what to say to you if I bump into you at a party. Maybe it will be “howdy” probably it will be a silent wave, but I’ll keep your favorite smokes with me just in case. Maybe we’ll just share one together and not say a goddamn thing.

    Love,
    The fun-house mirror that sits across from yours and reflects our trauma endlessly

    Eros & Minerva

    by  • December 12, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Much has been passed down of the gods of old. Tales of conquest, betrayal, and love. But there are many more which have been lost to the winds of time. One such story, ring so true to me that I would like to share it with you. If you close your eyes, maybe you can see it. If you still your mind, maybe you can feel it too.

    Youthful Eros, god of love and sexual desire, knew as well as anyone the unsurpassed beauty of the physical coupling of man and woman. Yet, he was without joy. For it was both his gift and his curse that his arrows could deliver passion to anyone, anyone but himself. So many years were spent bringing others to happiness. In all that time, he had neglected his own, overwhelming needs.

    Beautiful Minerva, virgin goddess of wisdom and strategic warfare, had lived her whole life fighting. Betrayed by her father when she was young, she had never loved another man. Her virginity was so widely known by the people, that she was thought by some to be unable to experience love and lust. But deep down, she knew what lie beneath, the heat that simmered within. Though not a man had swayed her thus, she thought about the man she could love, someday, and what it would be like when she first spread her legs for him.

    One day, at a tavern frequented by the gods, Eros first laid eyes upon Minerva. He silently observed her throughout the night, as she rebuffed one suitor after another. Curious, he began to talk to her. Instantly, he was smitten. She was, indeed, the most beautiful goddess he had ever seen. But not just her body, although it aroused him greatly. When she smiled, and when she laughed, her inner beauty showed too, and took his breath away every time.

    Over time, they grew closer together. Indeed, they even fell in love. But that love was never consummated. Both were completely inexperienced when it came to the feelings they shared. Eventually, they parted ways because it was too painful to be together a little, but not completely. For thousands of years they stayed at a distance, inwardly longing for the other.

    Eventually, the pull became too great for either to resist. Slowly, they moved towards each other. One step taken at a time. Finally, they stood next to each other. He looked at his great love with painful longing; she returned his gaze with silent recognition. Neither knew how to proceed. Then she remembered the times they had once shared, and she smiled. All at once, he felt every feeling he had ever felt towards her rushing together at once. And he was, again, overcome. His gaze shifted, from one of pain to one of victory. He embraced her, holding her tight to his chest. Surely, this was everything he ever wanted.

    Well, not everything.

    Eros took his beloved’s hand and brought her through his temple into his bedchamber. No words were exchanged; none were needed. He slowly removed her clothes, looking into her eyes the whole time. She then removed his. Now, she took his hand and led him to his bed. She lay down and he moved close to her. For a moment, he just looked at her. He studied her face, the color of her eyes, the shape of her nose, the contour of her lips. He took in every detail, committing everything to memory, the face of the most beautiful woman who ever lived. His gaze descended slowly down her neck. For the first time, he saw her breasts, nipples firm already. His eyes moved down her tummy, and then, then he saw it. The pussy he had wanted for so long. He looked back at her eyes and saw her silent acknowledgment that she was indeed his for the taking. He saw too the trepidation in her eyes, and perceived the slight tremble in her body. He remembered, again, that this was her first time. He then remembered all the common men and even greater gods who she had turned down. It was he that his goddess chose to be with her in such an intimate setting, such a vulnerable state. He slowly leaned in to kiss her. Their lips met. And the world turned upside down. All of her hidden passions could now be freed. And he immediately realized that he desired nothing more than to please her. As sweet as her mouth and her tongue tasted, they could not keep his. He needed to taste her everywhere. The sensations overwhelmed him, and his mind was reduced to one singular purpose: to make love to her completely. He kissed her neck all the way down to her collarbones, which he lightly traced with his fingers to her shoulders. His focus shifted to her breasts, taking one in his mouth before the other, licking and sucking her nipples. She closed her eyes and moaned softly while he moved back to alter his approach to north from south. Her thighs were the gateway to what he desired most, and now that they were open he embraced them wildly with his mouth. He feasted on them, a cacophony of licking and sucking and biting. Then he paused for a brief moment. He thought, this woman, this literal goddess must be loved better than all others. He slipped his tongue insider her and licked her slowly up to her clit. Her taste drove him crazy. He thought to himself, “we are both immortals, but I know I will never grow tired of eating your pretty pussy.” He continued for some time, never fully pouring himself into any endeavor like the task at hand. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore, grabbed him by the hair and whimpered “Please, please fuck me.” He obligingly raised himself to her, and looked into her eyes again. This moment, which they had both waited for was finally here. He grabbed her arms, put held them above her head, and eased himself inside her. She felt every inch of him. Naturally, she pressed herself into him, inviting him in deeper. He kissed her, and their tongues danced together while he continued his slow, deep thrusts. He released her hands and gripped her waist, pulling himself into her at a quickening pace. Her nails dug into his back as she writhed from his throbbing penetrations. She lifted his head so that their eyes met, and her message was clear. Their bodies intertwined, their spirits enmeshed, they came together, and it was glorious.

    When he recovered his breath, he told her he loved her, and called her Augusta Minerva. And she has been known as such ever since.

    What could have been

    by  • December 12, 2017 • 0 Comments

    E,

    Years have passed but I can still close my eyes and travel back, once again a naïve student in a foreign land. And in those moments it’s as if no time has passed at all; evenings smoking cigarettes in your apartment. The music and the laughter. Before us an endless future.

    You were my first love. I still think about you now and wonder what could have been.

    B

    You

    by  • December 12, 2017 • 1 Comment

    Know what we could do for fun together? It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I think it would be perfect for us to do together. I’ve never really traveled. Except along the coast from Texas to Florida. I think it would be awesome if you and I went to Alaska and Went panning for gold. Not because gold is worth money. Money to me really has no value, believe it or not. I have a saying I try and live by. ” It’s easy to find the dirt on people, but harder to find the gold in them.” I do look for the gold in people. You my girl have some of the purest of gold I’ve ever seen in anyone.
    Would you go panning for gold with me? We would go for a week. Who knows maybe we would learn more of each other. No this isn’t a sham to get in your britches. As a matter of fact I wouldn’t let that happen. We would go with content of good company with one another in mind.
    If you don’t want to I understand. I miss you everyday. I love you the same today as I did yesterday. Always will. Even if you say no to panning gold with me. Even if you keep your wall up. But let me let you in on a little secret.

    Come closer.
    Give me your ear.
    ” Not even a wall can stop the shine of pure gold!”