• Purity

    by  • May 21, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Oh you, you’re so pure. It’s adorable. Eighteen years old and still a child. It’s an opportunity, don’t waste it.
    Once it’s gone you’ll surely see why you should be around a bad man like me. Just standing beside you makes me feel like I’m corrupting you.
    I’ve been around, done a lot of things I regret. I drink, I smoke, I know things your parents never dared to tell you. I’m bad for you.

    Sweet, angelic, delicate little flower petal…Stay away from the big bad wolf, why don’t you? What’s a na├»ve little cutie like you want chasing after me? Oh sure, I’d love to be the first guy to hold your hand and go home to Mama and Papa Dearest, but I’m no fairy tale Prince, and we can’t do this.

    It’s not illegal but it’s starting feel that way, looking at you in this way. And besides, if I was that guy, I’d start wanting to do other things with you that you probably don’t even understand.

    Darling, you’re so cute and fascinating, but you’re still a child, on the inside at least. So sorry, Sweetie, but I don’t have a golden palace in dreamland to whisk you away, and if I try to pick you up and carry you into the sunset, you’ll burn like the sun from my tainted touch.

    Oh yes, I love you, but I’m not boyfriend material for anyone, let alone a pretty little princess like you. Why don’t you find yourself a nice boy who’ll treat you like the soft little butterfly you are and stop running after corruption itself? Go good, be a good girl.

    Once you leave, leave for good

    by  • May 21, 2017 • 0 Comments

    You loved me because I’m too convenient to be love.
    We can never be together because you made my life so difficult by simply loving you.
    I hope there comes a day when I will not be bother by your presence nor your absence at all.
    But today, I guess it’s just a wishful thinking.

    To my “toxic” friend

    by  • May 21, 2017 • 0 Comments

    To my toxic friend.

    It started with that skype group chat. I called the group when I was bored in the middle of the night. Out of the 11 participants, only you and her answered. It started off as just joking around late at night. We started a little club, and didn’t let anyone else in. We played stupid kids games and messed around. We laughed at stupid jokes. You sat with us at lunch. We stayed up through the night, whispering, abruptly turning our phones off when footsteps echoed through the hallways leading to our rooms. We ignored our problems, for the most part. We ignored your constant slurs and offensive statements.

    That wasn’t all we ignored. We ignored the fact that you and your perverted friend gazed at girls who had big asses. We ignored the fact that you judged our worth based on our bra size. You made jokes about mental disorders, race, sexuality, gender, everything offensive you could. However, we ignored it. We trusted you. We enjoyed your company enough to ignore everything you said. I ignored the constant hate speech against the LGBT community, and spent school days worrying one of my close friends would tell you I’m bisexual. She ignored the constant racial slurs.

    One night, you claimed you were going to take a shower. She and I talked about the people we liked. When you came back, you told me you had a crush on me. I appreciated the gesture, but I didn’t return the feeling. I accepted it, life went on, and we didn’t care. Then, you started leaving.

    Every day you would leave the group. I’d add you back, you call us, we hang out, you leave. Over and over and over, every day. I didn’t know why. Every time you left, I’d beg you not to because I genuinely enjoyed your company. She was indifferent, but still had fun when you were in the call. This was the beginning of the end.

    Months pass. I had crushes and a couple boyfriends, and she liked a certain boy as well. Since you and her had become distant, she didn’t tell you, but she told me. I kept her secret. You pressured her to tell you, finally convincing her when you told her you would give her the part of homework she was missing. She told you, she trusted you, and you told everyone. You told your perverted friend who spewed slurs twice as much as you. You told friends who you weren’t even close with. You told my friends who you claimed you weren’t close to. You came damn close to telling the boy himself. She still forgave you, and every secret you told us we never said.

    In the last months that we called, I told you many things about my life. I told you about my family issues. I told you about my body image issues, my struggle with anorexia, my high risk of Tourettes syndrome. I told you about boys that I liked, my struggle with relationships, everything. Mainly, you knew about my issues with body image and anorexia. You knew I was 10lbs underweight and trying everything to gain that back. You knew how hard I was trying not to starve myself. I thought you cared, but I guess you didn’t.

    Flash forward a month or so, you tell us you don’t want to be my friend anymore. I cried for multiple hours. I laid in my beanbag chair wishing I were dead. I considered you one of my best friends. I ignored your bad parts. I don’t know why you couldn’t ignore mine. She didn’t mind. She was still angry at you for you telling everyone the one secret she shared with you. We both were angry that you went to your perverted best fried after all this. We, the friends who stayed with you through every problem you told us, the friends who opened up to you and enjoyed your company, the friends who were the most positive friends you had and the only ones who tried to drive you away from the dangerous, rude, horrible lifestyle you promoted, were the friends you dropped. The friends you kept were the slur-spewing, negative, angry, scamming friends who never trusted you at all. The perverted best friend who judges women on purely their ass and tits, who firmly believes that women belong in the kitchen.

    Back to my body image issues, you became perverted. You had listened to my problems less than 3 months before, but you didn’t care about them. You called me a whore. You called me a slut. You called me a stick, a board, flat, bones, everything. Why did I deserve this. You told the boy she liked that she liked him, and made fun of her for her social anxiety. Why did you do this to us, when we had been nothing but trusting and accepting?

    Hoping you do well,
    The whore you left behind

    Look Through The Windshield

    by  • May 21, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Look through the windshield. Not at it.

    I look through. I try my hardest to press the button that clears off all the dirt, but it never goes. Look through. I tell myself. Look through and keep going. Looking at everything that has piled up over time is only going to make you wreck. Only going to destroy you. Only going to leave you behind. Only going to keep you from moving forward.

    But sometimes I can’t see. Sometimes I don’t move. Sometimes I just sit there and look at all of it. But as soon as it becomes too much, the pedal is to the metal and I don’t care where I’m going just away. Just away from here. Take me from this place.

    To anything that will make me forget, anything that’ll make me feel something. I don’t feel anything. It should be running with me with the force of the seven seas, the disaster and all that comes with it. But I feel so detached, so far away, all while being so close to it all that I can’t breathe.

    Where am I? Where am I supposed to be going?

    This is such a transitional phase. A point where everything is leading up to what’s next, having to wait. I can’t even say it’s like the boring part in the story. Because the chaos never stops, it never ends. It continues and that’s another thing. That is what is leading up to the ending, to the part where it stops.

    But it never really does for me, does it?

    I love chaos. I live for it. I die for it, I write for it. Everything that happens I need. It’s never quiet and I realize I hate the silence. The waves crashing and flooding everything, the hail storm breaking the roof. I need that. But there is specific storms I love. Those that must occur in nature. But then there’s the ones that have nothing you can romanticize about it.

    This is one of those times. And I, as always, have romanticized it. Because that is my defense mechanism. That is how I handle it. Escapism. How can I turn this into something beautiful, something not as messed up as it is? Making art from the mess, making a heartache into a dance. I mess up the steps here and there. A song with chords that sometimes clash. But all in all, it has become a monument of stunning chaos.

    It hurts from an outside perspective even, but it makes you feel. And isn’t that what people want? To take yourself from your own, and be inside of another world. You can feel all of the pain here, while I am left feeling nothing.

    I didn’t cry for the longest time. Until not so long ago. I got lost. I was alone. I sat by a tree in a field far from home, and everything left me. Burned my face, I grit my teeth. My hands pulled at my hair and I could do nothing but break down to dust, the earth grabbing me and trying to shake me awake. The ground is not ready for you, it screamed, using all it could to hold me above.

    I didn’t think I would ever see another storm. That was the one to end it all. That would be where I ended, where everything left me and I was no more. I was wrong and the tree took it’s branches and pulled me to stand.

    Part of me is left there. That is where everything I don’t look at, became so visible birds fell from the sky. Everything was silent. And that’s why it was so unbearably loud. The silent chaos. The silence of the denial leaving you, it all sinking into your bones.

    My hands gripping the wheel, I kept going. By my control. With my eyes. I see. I saw all I needed to. I keep going.

    I thought

    by  • May 21, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I had a friend in you…. I guess I was wrong…. just like so many others…. I will forget you just like the others…. If we ever see each other again it will be as if I never knew you existed…. So sad because I thought very highly of u sunshine…. Goodbye….