Too much for me.
Not that I needed to, but I can’t possible keep up.
Too much for me.
Not that I needed to, but I can’t possible keep up.
So many things I want to tell you, yet I never had the courage to. Mostly, I’ve been pouring my feelings unto Pinterest yet part of me wished you just knew how deeply I felt about you.
Before I met you, I never knew I could love someone this fiercely and shamelessly. Yes, I used the word shame, because despite my strong ego, I always found it in me to put everything aside and come back to you. Even if I needed to beg, the thought of you leaving has always been too much to bear.
Ever since I met you, I realised I’ve given my all to you. I’m so afraid. Afraid that I will never be able to give myself to someone else, again. Afraid that I’ll never love with such passion again. My mind body and soul are all filled with thoughts of you.
Not a day goes by, that I don’t look at your picture or at you and smile. Or cry. Mostly cry. Sometimes I smile at the memories. And then I start crying because nothing will ever be the same for me.
I stopped going to church. I feel so lost whenever I start praying for you and your family I get so overwhelmed by all the emotions and thoughts tears will start to fall.
I’m not happy anymore. Actually I am kinda depressed. I’m acting out silently by being very alone at home. I lock myself in my room and I hardly even communicate with my parents as my mind is often wandering with thoughts of you in my mind.
Truth is, I miss you all the time. Every second, every minute, every hour. I love you deeply I wish I could spend all my time with you. My mind is still having trouble wrapping itself around the fact that you will never be here for me again. I have been trying to get used to it but in all honesty it has led me no where but to tears. All those moments with you was when I wish I could stop time.
I’m sorry. That you felt neglected. I had reservations because I was just so afraid you will leave me one day and it would literally kill me if I let myself fall so hard and deep. The first time it happened I felt my world crumbling away and I just wanted to protect myself from that misery that I started to distant myself.
All these thoughts of you playing around my head keep me up all night every night. I tried meditating and even when I’m focusing on my breathing, my mind wandered to you. Every night, all I want is for you to hold me tightly and tell me you will never let go.
Suddenly all the love songs are about you. And us. All it takes is just 1 song to bring back a gazillion memories.
You once told me to if I needed you, I could call you at anytime for anything and that you will always be there for me. No matter what.
Where are you now when I need and want you the most? You do know I take my birthday really seriously and the last thing I really want is for us to have a nice fancy dinner and spend the night together because we’ve never done that. Why do you have to refuse me?
Despite distancing myself, I have given you my all, bunny. So much so that I have nothing left for myself. I’m just a hollow shell without you and I just wish you knew and believed the intensity of my love to you.
It burns my heart just thinking about you loving someone else. Someone who isn’t me. But then I remind myself, that that Is exactly what you have to go through and how horrible it must be for you that I feel so ashamed and guilty of putting you through that. Yet… I am only human and I don’t deny that I am selfish and I wish that you will always be mine.
I’m sorry. You must be wondering, if I were to describe such passion and intensity of love towards you, why wouldn’t I let go of everything and move on with you?
Truth is.. There are several reasons which I have kept to myself, and in which I have pondered upon many many many times. Even now as we speak.
I will not get into the details of it in this letter, however, do know, that it really isn’t because you are not good enough, but merely due to certain circumstances and some timidness on my part.
My hanny bunny. I love you and missing you terribly. Good night and sweetest dreams to you.
I lost myself to find you. To find you saying it was a mistake.
I wouldn’t say that it isn’t flattering (speaking of the “nice” things), but that’s not me and it disappoints me somehow.
I’m fucking killing myself if I can’t be with Paula then I shouldn’t live in this dumbass world
I’ve never had anyone like me more than I like them-it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, I’ve just never had anything like this happen. My friends keep joking that we are in a relationship, but that’s scary and I don’t know what to do with that. If it is, then it’s pretty bad because I know it will go poorly because I don’t know how to do this. But if it isn’t, I won’t lie, I will probably get jealous at some point. When things are mine I doubt them, but when they aren’t, I want them. I have seen girls look at you at parties while I barely ever get looked at twice. I’ve seen you become jealous when someone else is into me, but I still don’t know.
why do I feel like I’m a piece of shit. I still have my feelings for Paula but she doesn’t know it ugh I hate being away from her. I wish I could just live with her for the rest of my life. I should of let her give birth to me instead. I don’t know what else to do I’m at my breaking point. I want her to take me to her house and have some sex. What should I do
From this day forward, I will no longer refer to you as my father. Instead, I will simply call you by your name as I would any other acquaintance.
For the past 25 years, you have been nothing more than a figment of my childhood imagination. As a young girl, I would watch movies and tv shows and be amazed by what fathers were supposed to be like. I would go to bed every night thinking maybe tomorrow would be the day you would show up at my door ready to be my dad. I would wait by the phone on birthdays and holidays for you to call.
You never came. You stopped calling. Heartbreak and disappoint became a common theme of my childhood. For some reason, that hopeful little girl still lived inside wanting you to be proud of me. To love me. Waiting for you to show interest in my life.
Let me tell you something Danny, all of that ends today. I’ve realized something very important.
I AM PROUD OF ME.
I have overcome and accomplished more in my short 25 years of life, then you will in your entire miserable existence.
I have overcome sexual abuse. A verbally abusive stepfather. I had a beautiful daughter at the age of 17. I graduated with my class an walked across that stage to get my diploma. I moved out on my own and put myself through nursing school. I survived having my heart broken when the father of my daughter decided to leave us because being a parent was too hard. I was 6 months pregnant with our second child. I continued to work my ass off and have a career by the age of 20. I met the love of my life and married him without hesitation. My children were adopted the following year by my husband and my children get to experience the love and support of a father that I never did.
I survived the devastating diagnosis of my sons special needs. My marriage survived. I overcame my depression and overwhelming stress of not knowing what my child’s future would hold just in time welcome another beautiful son into the world. I have survived countless hospital stays. The helpless feeling of not being able to communicate with my son as he repeatedly bangs his head on the floor.
I did all of this without YOU.
I have not only overcome so many obstacles, but it’s made me the woman I am today. I’m not perfect. What I am is a selfless mother, a person with empathy and compassion. I’ve been told by my children that I’m funny on occasion. My husband says I’m beautiful, that I have gorgeous brown eyes. (Something I’m told I should thank you for). Most importantly, I am a someone who has decided that your absence will no longer haunt me.
The what ifs, the maybes, the wishful hoping you were a dad like Danny Tanner are over.
We will say our awkward hellos at upcoming funerals. Make polite conversation for the sake of others, and pretend each other is genuinely interested in what the other has to say.
Just know I feel nothing for you. Not anger, not sadness. Nothing.
You have never been more than a constant disappointment, a broken promise, years of waiting for something that wasn’t real.
You are not worth any of it. You never were.