• My reasons why

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I have my reasons and that’s what she wanted. She made it very clear. I’ll just start with that.

    Am I fine with it? “No.” But I’m an outsider and that’s the way it always will be. I honest to God, give up. I mean really, you’ve never even been to my house. I feel like you get close to me to find out info on her and then she thinks I’m a spy or something, but I’m not. I could care less and I’m very careful with info I know, although I will offer an opinion. I don’t want to be in the middle of anything.

    And then, you both think I don’t know the truth, when I have for some time, and then have to act like I don’t, because I’m flipping trying to figure out who knows what. When really everyone knows everything, but life is one big lying secret that makes no sense. Who wants that? I sure don’t want to have to deal with it. I’m not going to be a part of it anymore.

    I’ve proven to all involved who I am, but I’m not going to continue to do this. I’m letting her go first because, frankly, we never were really even friends. I tried, but it wasn’t meant to be, and I’m okay with that.

    You are different. But I place you on this pedestal that I’m not even sure you want to be on. It’s ok to get off. I’d rather you leave than pretend. My heart would break, but it wouldn’t be the first time. You have been amazing lately, and I appreciate it so much, but if your heart is not in it, or it’s for ulterior reasons, I want you to move on.

    On the other hand, if your love and support has been genuine, as I feel it has, then thank you. I know I’ve been needy, somewhat, and your patience has been noted. I’m trying, I really am, but the struggle is real. It’s excruciating at times, but you’ve made it feel less so, and I mean that.

    So if I’ve earned a spot in your life, then I plan to stay there, but if it’s temporary, then I don’t want it. That’s all I’m saying.

    The love of your life is Here.

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I hate goodbyes, I’m really quite terrible at it. Maybe this is the universe telling me it’s not your time yet. It’s not this moment, it’s the next. I feel like I’m waiting for someone who will never come. Today was a realization of that. He’s not coming, just go. So I’ll hop on the train without you then. I hope you find whatever your looking for. And if you look a littler further you’ll see what I saw. It was greatness. I’m sorry you couldn’t see it, or you couldn’t believe it. I still believe in love. I still think of six impossible things. I still have hope. I hope one day you can see it too. and if you don’t its very unfortunate. But please, the man that keeps missing me, the man who is with the wrong woman, the man who is wondering were is she? I’m here. Please don’t get discourage. Our paths will cross and you will get on the same train as I and we will meet and everything else would make perfect sense up until that moment. SO where ever you are. I’m here. Don’t lose hope.


    the love of your life.

    My Shadow Life

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    It’s odd to live in a bubble, my bubble is formed of the illusion of life, of freedom. I have friends. They are distant, they don’t care for me or each other. I have family, they have all gone their own insane paths and we may as well be on other planets for how much impact we make. Just when somethings working, it’s falling apart.

    The floors falling out from under my feet. Relationships end for the strangest reasons, people I think are full of truth are full of lies, and everyone wears a mask in a mad dance. The dancers are affection and jealousy, caring and selfishness, loyalty and disrespect.

    Some people must lose out more then others. It’s not my fault I’m so analytical, I say odd things and I try not to but I can’t help the way my brain works. All of my oddities and my eccentricities are all that I am to these people, they can’t see the music, the art, the compassion. I’m overflowing with love and caring and there’s no one to give it to, no one who has deserved it, I’ve been cut and hurt by the people I let closest to my heart. Is it so hard to ask for another emphatic soul? Why am I alone ever day, why when I try so hard and believe so much in someone, do they go from being an angel to a demon?

    Heartbreak, disappointment, I have never felt more like I have nothing then today.

    I want you to know

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I want you to know that I’ve loved you since I was 16 years old. It’s been 29 years and I love you still. I haven’t seen you or talked to you for 20 years but everyday I yearn for you. Do you remember what you said to me the last time we spoke? You told me I would always have a place in your heart. Do you miss me? Do you even think about me? Are you happy? If I never see you again I need you to know how I feel about you. Anton P., you are the love of my life.

    I messed up

    by  • January 20, 2017 • 0 Comments


    I messed up. I messed up so much. I allowed my depression and anxiety to ruin the relationship we had. When the relationship was over I still was so torn and hurt you even more. I have never hurt you physically, but I know the burden of emotional pain. All the lies, hiding my true emotions from you. It was so hard. You knew that I loved you, I just never knew how to show it. I grew up with very tough skinned people. It wasn’t until you that I actually knew what love was, and i never really knew how to understand it. I love you and A even though you will probably never forgive me. I understand. I am learning to forgive myself and let go of what we had. Its not helpful to dwell anymore. It just induces more pain. I will never forget about you and the good times we had. I just still cant believe i ruined one of the most beautiful things in my life. You used to tell me you loved me, we planned our future, now we cant even look at or talk to each other. Everyone makes mistakes. I have never made mistakes this bad in my life.

    I want you to know that this will always be a learning lesson for me. I will finally allow myself to open up my heart and be honest with my feelings with a partner. You taught me that revenge is the worst option possible. With our situation i will have to learn to finally let go. It is never easy, but now its something i have to do. Today my uncle died, the anniversary of my grandfather’s death. I want to talk to you about it, but now I have nobody to do that with. We had gotten so close, now we are so far apart. I cry as I write this, but I don’t expect any pity. From anyone. I brought this upon myself. I refused counseling, I refused medication, I refused to accept the truth and reality of things around me. I have finally learned to accept that. Or i still might be. It is all a learning process. I also learned that I can be manipulative. So many flaws that I have learned. I found all these things out the wrong way. I hurt you. I hopefully didnt scar you forever. I have always loved you. I never want you to feel like all those years were thrown away. I want you to take it as a learning lesson. I hope you find the person you want and the person you need. I know I said it before to appease you, but this time I actually mean it. I always thought i was perfect for you, but my actions have shown that I have alot of self improvement that I need to take care of.

    I am working on myself. One day at a time. It is so sad that I have to post this anonymously and that you will never receive this. In my mind I may always look like a remorseless, vindictive, mentally ill fool. Thats what I last showed you. If there was an hourglass representing our relationship, those times would only be mere grains. I want you to see this so bad, but it may never see the light of day. I will have to live with this forever. I hope both of us recover. I hope this makes us better in our now separate walks of life. I hope we can talk in 10 years or so and I can give you all of your photos back. I’ve put everything away. It hurts to look at. I haven’t deleted or burned anything but it is all away. I hope you haven’t destroyed our memories, but if you did I will never know. Someday I believe we will reunite somehow and will be able to be amicable with one another. Till that day I mourn the best relationship that I have ever had.

    I’ve said love you too many times for the understanding to still stick,
    I’ve apologized too many times for it to mean anything,
    I’ve spent so much time that I want you to know that this is real. Real feelings, real sincerity.

    A… or D