• fuck

    by  • October 21, 2014 • 2 Comments

    I love you, asshole.
    Not for being a smart ass (makes me run).
    For what you are, when you are YOU.

    Your involuntarily plaything.


    by  • October 21, 2014 • 0 Comments

    oh so much rain
    don’t complain
    wHEre’s mY brain
    MY dear
    don’t come back
    cOme back
    i’m dying
    you should be crying
    watch me dying
    i hope you’re crying.
    can we..?
    how long?

    That which I have feared my entire life

    by  • October 21, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I think I actually love him.
    I never admitted to loving anyone as I always feared that they’d leave.
    But he’s the exception.
    When he smiles, my heart warms up.
    When he walks by, my stomach fills with butterflies.
    When he laughs at my jokes, walks beside me or even shows concern, I light up from within and words truly can’t describe how I’m feeling.
    he is everything I’ve asked for.
    He is everything I don’t deserve.
    He is perfect.
    He is actually perfect.

    He may not be mine in reality.
    But there will always be a place for him in my heart.

    I love you.
    I don’t know what love it, or what entails. I don’t know the extent of my feelings or how it got to this stage.
    All I know, is that one day, I wish to be able to tell you this in person. One day, I wish to get the love back from you.
    One day, from the bottom of my heart, I wish for us to be together.

    I love you.

    A birthday message

    by  • October 21, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Dear Sunshine:

    It took me an hour to type you a 5-line birthday message. I only wanted to say that I love you dearly. I wish we could be more than friends. But I know it is impossible. I wish you lots of happiness – forever.

    Happy birthday Sunny. I love you so much.

    I’m so sorry

    by  • October 21, 2014 • 2 Comments

    I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry to let you down. I’m sorry, I’m not ready. I’m not ready to try to love you again while you are ready for it or while you want it. I’m sorry that I honestly still have scars from the past of when we last tried. I’m sorry I’m still guarded and that it makes me afraid to try to love you. I’m sorry I’m still guarded so I come off as rude or cruel.
    It is just that the last time that we tried, you broke my heart. You broke it so badly that I did not sleep for two days. I missed work for it. My best friends had to pick me up off of the floor. I didn’t eat for a week. I felt so lost and so broken that the only way I could handle it was with drugs and alcohol. I don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want to go back to being that lost. I don’t want my wings to be damaged again. I refuse to be that broken again, so that keeps my guard up.
    See, back then I thought that we were right. I truly believed in us. I planned and anticipated for the day we got married but when that fairy tale turned out to be just that, I do not think you comprehend how broken I was. You see, you got to end it on your terms while I was just abandoned by the man I loved. The man I thought I would marry. The man who was everything I ever wanted. You left me with no explanation but you claimed to be the love of my life. So the thought of that, the thought of a sequel of us, is terrifying. Because what if the sequel is not nearly as good as the original? It is both a terrifying thought and a sad one, for I never want to taint the memory of us like that.
    It isn’t that I haven’t hoped that one day this would happen. It isn’t that I did spend time wondering if we would ever get back together but I just don’t ever want to experience a love like ours again. Our love was strong, honest, loud, soft, emotional, and absolutely everything I ever dreamed a true love would be. You were every thought I had throughout the day, the first person I sent a text to, the person I daydreamed about to fall asleep, the one I wrote letters to during classes. You changed my life and everything that defined who I am. I loved being with you, I loved being us. Even while we fought, I longed to make up so I could tell you again and shout it to the world how much I loved you.
    I love you, I always will. I’m not denying that. I’m not denying that a large part of me forever wants to be with you. You mean(t) the absolute world to me and the thought of forever closing that door is heartbreaking but the last time you left, I thought the world was ending. And for a time, it really felt like it did end. It really felt like who I was had disappeared in the the oblivion and that the world had at the very least started moving slower, but one day the world started moving again. And maybe it wasn’t at the pace that it was before and maybe I hadn’t found the person I used to be but I had become a person again.
    So I do not want to fall in love with someone I would consider my other half, I want to fall in love with someone who compliments who I am instead of ‘completes it’. I want to be complete on my own, to be my own soul. So I want to love you, but I don’t think that we’re the kind of love that one is supposed to truly have.

    Taking advantage

    by  • October 21, 2014 • 0 Comments

    To the friend-
    From one respectable woman to another I am sure since he has befriended you that you are a good person with a kind soul and heart. You appreciate his kindness and sincerity in listening and conversing about things going on in your life as well as the attention you have been given by him.    Believe me I understand more than most what an amazing and wonderful person he is and how great it is to be able to have his friendship because while yes he is my love he is also my best friend.  However apparently you seem to begin to confuse that friendship with wanting something more and/or thinking that you have an “in” to strive for that more with a man who has simply tried to be your friend. A man that has a loving devoted woman in his life as that more already who he is committed, loyal and faithful to by his own choice. I am that woman he made those promises to that trusts him completely and loves him and do not appreciate when another woman attempts to take advantage of his kind heart and puts him in a position that he feels he has to go against his polite, fun and caring nature. I am completely confident and secure with my relationship with him and wish that you would respect the boundaries that you have attempted to cross. Yes I said attempted because while I don’t own him he is free just as I am we choose to be together and are happy with our choice. This is not something new we have faced as a couple because we are friendly and kind people. Be it a male friend of mine or a female friend of his; others have tried and others have failed to interfere in our bond and connection. Something I have always attempted to do is put myself in others shoes and truly think how I would feel in a situation that someone is ultimately trying to mess with someone else’s happiness and their life and that is all I ask of you. I am sure there is a man that will be everything my awemazing man is to me for you so please practice some common respect.