• Questions

    by  • October 24, 2016 • 0 Comments

    Why must you be so difficult? I swear, if I could reach up and grasp the burning stars, every last one, the sun included, in my hands without flinching, pull them down and offer them to you, you would only want the moon.

    When I tell you I love you, you tell your friends I’m destroying you. But darling, hurting you would kill me. And sweetheart if I’m making you sad, then please, go ahead and leave, but just stop playing these games with my heart. I can’t take it.

    What’s going to become of us? If I say I love you, you want me to leave you. If I give you space, you wish we were closer.

    Who on Earth has put these weird notions into your head, making you toss and turn in this sea of emotion?

    How did we end up this twisted and tangled, when we started out so in love? I used to look at you and see something of myself, but so much better. I used to think you took all my faults away. Now I’ve but to look at you to make you scream and hurl them back in my face.


    by  • October 24, 2016 • 0 Comments

    I don’t know why I thought he loved me. I don’t know why I thought that some of his actions meant he liked me but was just to shy to tell me. But as I sit alone thinking things through now I know that it was me who wanted him to love me. He never loved me at all. My mind was playing tricks on me because I loved him so much that I wanted him to love me too. But now I know. I have been clinging on for so long to a mirage that I ended up destroying myself in the process. Never having the chance to live that love. So many wasted years loving someone who never loved me. So many wasted years because of a stubborn heart clinging to a dream. The hurt of it all. The pain and sorrow that I am going through at this point in my life can never be compared. I have been hurt before in a different manner one that destroyed and corrupted my body and soul. Now I am going through the same thing and this time its all been by my own hand. If someone doesn’t love you, they don’t. I was never in his spectrum of thought. Not even a slight thought would pass of me in his mind because he did not love me and doesn’t even now. I don’t know in what ultimate universe I have been living. Clearly it’s been one of delusions. I hurt because of me. I hurt because of my carelessness with my heart and soul. Its my fault. But it does not take from the fact that I hurt. I’ve hurt myself and him. There is no excuse for that. I cant take that back. But I do wish at a chance to make it right. I don’t know how. But we live on earth where sometimes things don’t work out as we want them to just because we wish them to. Now I live with the consequences of my sins.

    Fuck I miss u

    by  • October 24, 2016 • 0 Comments

    There is a massive scar,
    where you used to be.
    I miss u so much L,
    how many more years of drought?
    I am so thirsty for u – please reach out.


    your fallen prince

    not yet

    by  • October 24, 2016 • 0 Comments

    For one full day I believed I was about to make something of my passions, a job I carved out for myself. Made a website, ordered business cards, just completed a project. I was smiling again, it felt amazing. I was so happy.
    I couldn’t wait to share my news with my family.

    Then I thought of you, decided I wouldn’t tell you and that I didn’t want to.
    It was my triumph, my initiative, my efforts, my life. I remembered you weren’t a part of my life anymore, than the fact that you hadn’t really been a part of my life even when you were coming around crept in, painful truths. You’d held me down so long it crushed my spirit. Feeling as if all my dreams for myself and my life might actually be possible, just for that day. realizing you were only ever there with me to release your lust onto, you are disgusting. I actually believed for one day that I was going to start living this totally amazing life and I let god know if the rest of my days were spent feeling that good it still wouldn’t be enough to erase the suffering you caused. All I want is to forget I ever met you, that such filth exists in this world. Knowing it is real, that I encountered it, is enough to cast a cloud over any success I may ever have. well played, asshole, well played

    My back

    by  • October 24, 2016 • 0 Comments

    Yeah I’m pretty self concious about it at times but I see it’s not terrible different from others around me.

    I used to see a chiropractor who thought it might just be genetics and heritage. My dads back has the same curve at the top. I do have some concerns because I remember meeting my grandmother on his side the year before she passed, she was completely bent forward and had to use a walker to get around.
    I address these concerns with frequent stretching.
    Gotta stay limber.

    I never

    by  • October 24, 2016 • 1 Comment

    Experienced anything as severe as ian or monica, but then again they give it a different diagnosis than what I suspect affected me in early childhood through as recently as a few years ago.

    Looking at the sum of my parts, I would almost consider it to be a learning disadvantage. Or maybe that’s how I want to see it. I want to believe that now I’ve worked to improve my inner dialogue… the truly negative voices I picture about how the world sees me may not have diminished but have plateaued out so that can better map out appropriate decisions for particular stimuli. I listened to The Four Agreements audiobook, and a lot of TED, If I encountered someone in my environment participating in something I found could be tasty or expose me to new and enjoyable things then I’d do it too. That was my treasure hunt, and it was important too.
    I’m always error correcting.
    Trying to learn from the environment I see around me and the people who occupy it. It’s important to note and learn from successful working actions and outcomes as you experience yourself and others.

    A social network that has positive influence and affect are also key components of creating an upward trajectory of emotional well being and stability.

    I’ve found this to lead towards more clear and concise decisions on my part in what I want to be to everything that I affect in my own environment. I’m not perfect by any means, but utilizing these methods has provided me with the tools to know right from wrong and modify my reactions as I see fit.

    As for the music and bits I share on here sometimes it’s just because I enjoy it and want you to as well and sometimes because it has a message or feeling I wish to convey or am experiencing. This is a space that I can share and if you decide to follow my trail I can leave you with something that hits the mark for you, or that you can find some meaning or enjoyment in.
    I understand this leaves a lot of room for interpretation on your end but I’m learning to better use my voice.

    Maybe that’s not a sickness or deficiency on my end at all but just how we as a species work.