Day two (sort of),
I’m struggling today.
Help me to be able to learn that I am not un-valuable.
Forgive me for my faithlessness,
remind me how to love
and also how to be loved.
Let me be a servant to those around me,
let me be a beacon of hope to those who need it.
I am always Yours, oh Lord.
With love I ask in the name of Jesus Christ,
Hi there. My boyfriend is a busy hardworking guy and sometimes I feel so alone because he doesn’t text me like before. I want to say that we met in a business meeting and heckk yeah, we become friends to bestfriends to lovers. In that time didn’t for my number but after 1 month, I was walking around in the mall and I saw him, he saw me and that’s where the communication started. We texted, call each other, and have some coffee after his work. I’m a student and his my busy working boyfriend. He waited for me becase my dismissal time is 6:30pm and his is 5:30 so he got 1hourto wait. I really appreciate for his time and for the efforts he made but to make the story short, he was assigned in a far place like 3 hours from me to his work. And he is in a field work so he is very very busy and sometimes there were no text from him and calls. I feel sad because the thing we do before are the things we don’t do anymore. We could just meet every sunday and the day he wants to be absent? Sunday is the only restday he had. I’m so jealous to the other couples because their boyfriends are always there for them, go to malls whenever you texted them. Before we were like them but because of that work, everthing changes. I just flood him will all the texts and he just read it and sometimes just reply “okay”, “so?” see I’m just getting worst. I just want his time, if I am important to him, he’ll make time for me no matter what. but there are times that he’s texting nor calling but it is not that quite. :'( I wish he could create more time for me </3 and I feel cheated but I trust him that he can't do that to me.
I’ve spent twelve years living with a man whom I believed to have been teaching me right from wrong, only to discover that what he was actually doing was called physical abuse. I spent five years slicing myself open so I could stuff my feelings further down. I spent two years dedicating my time and energy to a best friend, only to have them tell me I wasn’t enough for them. I spent three years invested in the life of a new best friend, only to lose myself and my life in the process. I spent two years hating myself and rejecting part of my identity because it didn;t fit my parents’ idea of “the perfect child.” I spent two years trying my hardest to win the heart of a girl I loved, only to fail time and time again and damage our friendship irrepairably. I spent five years finding things to hate about my hometown, only to completely miss out on all of the things there are to love.
I’m seventeen, and I have no idea who I am because I never took the time to find out. I’m leaving for college in four months. I don’t know what I like or what makes me happy. I don’t know how to maintain healthy friendships, or ask someone out on a date. I don’t even know how to not hate myself.
I don’t know who I am. Will I ever?
I know it is possible to stay positive and live happily. But I just feel too weak and down trodden to make it this year.
I need a helping hand. I need help. I need some genuine care. Not those hypocrites who pretend to be nice to you just because others are watching.
Hypocrites are all around, and the person whom I thought was kind and good is probably just an illusion.
Stranger, I sometimes feel like I will be unable to breathe soon because I am really not fit to stay living in this world.
Have you ever felt the same? What did you do? Sleep it off? Ya. I do. And when you wake up in the morning and remember and feel being wronged, ignored and not being understood, you really find it hard to even uncoil, and the knot in your stomach keeps pulling and throbbing, and when it gets too difficult, you cry. And after you cry, you set off for work and face those hypocrites and wicked people again, and try your best to not to feel anything, and even if you feel something, you tell yourself that it’s just your illusion. You are sick, you hallucinate, you are psychotic. ya. What else can I do?
I’m the worst. After 5 years without a word spoken between us, I still feel the pain of your loss in my chest. I fucked up and karma has found me, broken my being and buried me alive only for me to suffocate alone forever. My chest burns from the lack of oxygen. I swear when I said I loved you I meant it. It just wasn’t the same kind of love you shared for me. I should have been honest with you when this realization came to me one morning. I should have broken it off when there was still a chance for us to be…something. Anything. You trusted me with your life, only to be deceived by me. You asked me if there was someone else and I lied. I lied because I am a fucking coward. I hide behind the walls like a filthy rat. You still don’t know the truth and even if there was a chance for us to speak again, I’d still be that rat. Hiding. Always. You were my best friend. You were perfect. You ARE perfect. I see that now…now that karma came knocking on my door. I broke up with you the next day after I merely kissed him. The cheating wasn’t even the worst part. It was ME. Being a selfish, piece of trash and pushing you away. When you came over and I balled my eyes out while I ended things with no explanations other than it just isn’t working. When I shut the door on your face after asking you to leave. The look you gave me. I still have nightmares of that day. You looked so broken. You loved me with all of you and I shoved it back in your face like it was nothing. Like you were nothing. then I avoided you and started something that broke me like I broke you. Only my karma didn’t end after him. After he shared all our intimate moments with his friends or when his gilfriend found out. Who knew I’d be the other woman? Doesn’t surprise me. I deserved to be called a whore and home wrecker. Then when karma came knocking on my door again with a handsome package in hand. Only…looks can be deceiving. Handsome can hurt. Handsome can kick and punch and call you names and make you bleed and wish you would kick the chair from under your feet already. Handsome can ask for forgiveness and do it all over again next week. Can you believe I actually feel in love with the devil himself? This doesn’t surprise me either though. I’ll be stuck in this life forever. My child will be stuck in this life forever. My devil…my husband has changed since our sons birth, but I can’t forget. I will NEVER forget. I sleep next to him with a heart full of hatred, but I’m so stupid because I’m still here and I still love him. Not the way I love you. I love you…like a brother, which sounds strange, but I do. You were my best friend and sometimes when I was lying on the ground in agony, you were the first thought that came to mind. I prayed for you to appear so you could save me…but you never came. I don’t blame you. I deserve this life. I just want you to see how badly my decisions have turned out. I am so happy to see you doing well. I’m so happy to see her kissing and laughing in pictures with you. I’m so happy because you deserve happiness. You deserve her. I’m not even jealous or envious. I just miss you so much I get this sharp pain in my stomach that feels like I’m being cut open with a dull knife. I love you.. I will always love you, forever. I will always love you because you’re the only man I’ve ever known with such a beautiful soul and eyes that never lie. You’ll be my best friend…forever. Even if you don’t know care that I exist anymore. I will always love you. I promise. Please…please forgive me, but don’t feel sorry for me.
I love you and you love me. Shouldn’t that be enough?
No, because you’re 500 miles away.
But didn’t it work for so long being apart?
Yes because it was just me and you.
We both want the same things. The only difference is that I still believe. You won’t even give me the chance to show you. People tell me that I shouldn’t bother, but it makes me try harder. Why did you have to start that argument? The whole time I wasn’t arguing against you. It was wrong vs right. Not you vs me. And either way I wouldn’t win so why not just do the right thing? Because you aren’t fair. I’ve built up my life and personality around the person you deserve. I’m not fake, I just try harder. When I shouldn’t. You found me in the state I was because I know how it feels to be treated wrongly. And as long as I was with you then I’d be happy. And I am, to a certain extent. But you need to see what I have done for you. I’ve been promoted, gone back to university , even moved country to be with you but I can’t do it all. I need some help. And I don’t ask. I just expect you to not make it more difficult than it needs to be. And that is why you are wrong. You need to for once see it through my eyes before you make a decision or say something hurtful. Because I do. That’s why people think I’m nice, I’m not. I’m an arsehole. But I can see it. And I try and improve on it and do right. And so should you. It’s not about personal gain, it’s about us. And as soon as you see it then you’ll be happy. 500 miles apart or not. I will love you till I’m 106 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx