It’s taken a lot of time, but I’ve found peace with a lot of what has happened between us. It wasn’t easy. Initially I felt like it was all my fault. Like I was doing something wrong. I’ve forgiven myself. My immaturity and over reactions were simply a product of my present experience relative to the time. I’ve found forgiveness for myself knowing that even though I wish I had done things differently, for where I was I did the best I could. And idk for certain that I could have changed the result at any rate. You played a part as well. But even with the things you’ve done that I know are wrong, I can always find a way to justify your behaviour. Rationalization is a specialty of mine; in another life I might have been an excellent barrister.
There is one thing that still bothers me a lot. In fact it makes me quite angry. The first 9 months…I was there and I loved you. You rejected all of my feeble advances. Well I guess technically we might have had one date, but we both know that was a sham. The reason I was so timid was because I genuinely believed that my feelings were not reciprocated in any way.
Towards the end of that time period there was about a month when you stopped talking to me. I had a lot on my plate at that time, and you knew that, so I really thought you were just ignoring me so that I could focus on what was really important at the time. You have always presented a major distraction to me (not your fault). As strange as it sounds, that was the first time I really believed that you cared about me, that I was special to you. When you go through our chronology…doesn’t that make some things make more sense? Now I’m not at all sure whether or not that’s why you were ignoring me then…there has subsequently arisen another plausible explanation. But although that moment was almost 9 months in the making, I have never again questioned whether or not you have feelings for me.
Remember my surprise birthday party? The surprise being that I invited you. Being with you was all I wanted, and just having you there turned what was otherwise my worst birthday ever into one my best. You seemed really happy that I had included you in the festivities, especially against all the opposition I faced in making that decision. If only I knew then what I know now…that during my party you were hitting on a guy…on YouTube. Really? YouTube? Were you really that lonely/desperate? Because I WAS STANDING RIGHT THE FUCK IN FRONT OF YOU!!!! You knew I was in love with you, between my actions and the way I looked at you you had to know. We can’t be together now, you have a bf and I rebound-married the next girl I met. But it never had to be like this…and that tears me up inside.
I guess I just wasn’t good enough for you then. I don’t know why I would think that that’s changed. And even if circumstances were to change and we got together, how would I ever believe you weren’t just settling because of your situation? It’s been 9 years but questions like this still keep me awake all night.
Do you ever wonder if you are making the right life choice? And if the choices you are making will cause you a lifetime of happiness? I wonder this everyday as I fight the urge not to text you and tell you I love you. Because I always have and I always will. I never thought someone could understand me so much. When I’m with him, I have to explain myself, but with you, you just get me. You always know the right words to say, and you are the first person to just know when something isn’t okay with me, even from 400 miles away. I miss you.
Something to read and get reminded of in moments of weakness.
It’s been so long since I’ve actually talked to you, and here’s everything I can never tell you… You ask me how I’m doing. Truth is I’m not doing very well. My smile hides it all. My life has completely crashed down around me. A couple months ago I tried to kill myself, and now I’m just wishing that I was successful. I just don’t want to live anymore. My family hates me, I have no friends, my career is down the toilet, no one cares that I’m here. I just want to disappear. It wouldn’t make a difference if I wasn’t here. I just want to stop hurting. I can’t take any more pain. There’s no hope for me, and there’s no point in me being here anymore. I guess life isn’t for everyone.
You know I never wanted to say goodbye. Do you honestly think I wanted to part with you? You left me, left me at a time that I needed you the most, left me at the hour and at the very point of need.
I can’t blame you though. I was a coward, when you asked me to leave him , I should have left, I should packed my bags told him it over and leave, so what if you are his cousin, I love you I love very part of you
Your pure soul. Your ability to see right through me, your old school manners and charm. How can i not leave him for you? Your amazingly, amazingly you love me just as I am. You love me for exactly who I am. You have never attempted to alter a and correct my character. How can I not be with you?
I see her with you now. Lord alone knows why on earth you are with her, she doesn’t deserve you. And no I’m not saying this because I’m bitter and jealous I’m saying it because I now know what a spectacular man you are. She struts around with her nose in the air and hangs on your arm because she feeds off your prestigious status. She doesnt love you, you should be with me.
I love you, I’m sorry for being a fool. I’m sorry for allowing you to walk away. I love you. My souls cries, my soul misses you.
I wish you would have wished all the things you text me now a long time ago. I offered ears. Dont forget. So now that its time to wish.
My wish is that you meet someone like me that truely will care and listen to you. Someone that will sink deep inside all the crazy crap and really see the real guy you are. I wish you meet her and you imstantly drop the front and you show her how great you really are.
That girl is not me. Not anymore. I played my part in your life and i accept it was not very lengthy. But i was placed there for a reason no matter the length.
Dont waste your wishes on texting me. Seeing you do that makes me sad for you. Go enjoy your life. Stop texting me when theres someone else you should be texting. Go find her.
I have nothing but love for you ntd. Rewrite your ending however you like but just know that our stories are different. Ok? Please ? I have already told you this. Please believe me this time.
There have been so many times where I’ve wanted to write to you, but I didn’t even know where to start. I miss you. You are the first thing that I think about when I wake up in the morning. You are the last thing I think about before I go to bed. I want to apologize to you. I wore my heart on my sleeve too many times with others, and you tried to reach out to me to show me that you cared and I didn’t even take the time to really notice. You were always there to listen, to encourage, and to be there for me. I didn’t even notice at the time cause I was too carried away with others and leaving love with people where it didn’t belong.
I’m so sorry for hurting you. When I realized I cared for you it was too late and you left. There isn’t a day that goes by that I regret losing you. Yes, I want you to come back. Yes, I want things to work out. But you’re last words were that you were never coming back and that you would never write again. Now it just hurts to put one foot in front of the other and live when you’re not around. I had to take some time away for myself. I had to fix myself and I’m still in the process of doing that. Would you care to know that I need you now more than ever through this process? I miss you terribly.
Would you dare to know that I care for you and would do the same for you such as listening, encouraging, and being there for you as you’ve done for me? I know you’ve probably moved on with someone more beautiful than I could imagine. You deserve that you know to be happy. I just can’t help wishing that you would be happy with me. It’s too late. I know that now. That’s why I haven’t written, because I knew that it wouldn’t do any good to share my feelings about you cause you would be gone. But I needed to release my feelings anyway, because maybe somehow someday I will be able to truly let you go as you’ve done with me.
I meant what I said before you left. I remember the words I told you. I will always love you no matter where you are at or what you are doing. That is still true today.
Like the many people on this site who wished that their letter would be read by the one they loved, I hope and wish the same thing too. Maybe if you knew that I truly love you you would come back, but I highly doubt you’ll ever read this letter cause you’re gone.
The girl from Buttermilk Falls—AMW