I love you. I love your smile that makes the strongest of knees tremble and buckle. I love the eyes that look at me when we’re lying down as you stroke my face and pass little partings of hair gently through your fingers. I love the stern look you give me when I catch you looking at me from across the room as if I was meant to catch you. I even love your farts. Yes. Your farts. Your stupid little farts that sound like little French horns and your child like chuckle after every one.
When I met you the world disappeared. I never thought that was an actual thing until it met you. Invisible walls shrink in to our shoulders and we stay in our tiny box of us until we have to part again. Before you I was a shell. Tried my best not to feel. Couldn’t open up. I thought I was doomed to a life without love or at least a life without comfort. Then you came along. With your rugged good looks that quickly turned into the man I fell madly in love with and I don’t know how you did it. You cracked my shell which shocked me to the core. But, by God, did I crack yours too and we’ve been naked ever since.
At the start I wished you’d be mine. And you became mine. Then I wished you’d stay mine. And you’re still here. Now I wish to be yours. And give myself to you as much as I can. I have fallen into the deep waters of lust, desire, anger, frustration, happiness and sadness and I am loving every bit of it. And every bit of you.
I love you. Did you know I love you? How did it fall apart? Was I to blame? I think I’m sorry. I really wasn’t with him. I love you. I just walked into the room with him, he was my ride, but I wasn’t with him. I reached out for you as you stormed past and you slipped through my fingers and slipped through my life. Forever? I replay it and replay it and replay it in my heaving mind. You won’t accept my explanation. You are indifferent, you claim. Indifferent! Indifferent? The word cuts me, wounds me. It’s an awful word! The worst word! Rage at me! Shout! Please – anything but indifference! I beg you! I crumble to the floor and I stay there. How long? Hours? Days? I cannot move. I weep for what has been lost. I have been negated. But…I love you.
Years have passed, still I love you. We are miles apart and I have counted each one – there are 1226 of them between us. So far away. We are on separate orbits now. We have built lives, families, and careers – separately and apart. Forever so far apart and still, somehow, I love you.
Did you ever love me?
On a new moon I wish for a new start with you G, where it is a blank sky ….with only our love to light our way through the darkness …..I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, wether it is physical, spiritual, or multidimensional…,here like a soldier girl in the night, in the newness of the moon – I wait for you…destiny won’t let me leave my post not even for a minute ….for the last several years here I stand proud……I wish you would just look and see how patient I’ve been , I’ve become , I am …..attention I await from only you….Chase my car again G and I promise I will let my guard down in all my forms…and place my hand on your shoulder just as you wished and I will never take it off …..
The night you left, I smoked my first cigarette. Two days later I tried my first beer. The day after that I tried hard liquor, and got so drunk I blacked out. I lost track of the times that happened. 2 months passed and I tried smoking weed. First it was just sometimes when I was drinking, but as time went on, I didn’t do much without it. Shortly after I started taking vyvanse, and then adderall. I was addicted to adderall for months, and the times I didn’t have it, I just dropped acid. I surrounded myself with people who hated me, abused me, and my already existing anxiety got worse. The drugs were running out and I needed money, so I grew shrooms with a friend and we sold the ones we didn’t do. I carved my thighs into a bloody mess that left puffy scars, and every time I look at them, I can’t help but imagine you were the one holding that goddamned razor.
It’s been a year and a half now since that cigarette; since you left me for my best friend, who left you after a month; since you took the ring off my finger and left me standing on the sidewalk.
I don’t cry anymore.
I miss you so much please don’t leave me to cope with all this without you, I don’t think I can. I know I was horrid to you and made an idiot of myself. You didn’t deserve it, but you don’t know what all the problems are at the moment for me and I don’t think I can cope with telling you about the worst thing, even though it might help you to understand why I need your support so much and why I get so unreasonably angry sometimes. I’m doing what I can about it but not feeling very brave about it all. I need you, even if it’s only on the end of a message though I wish wish wish so much we could be together. I wish you were here right now with your arms round me, kissing my forehead like you do and holding me, because that’s the time(s) I feel happiest … with your arms around me.
I really wish I could tell you all this but it just feels like youve cut me off and don’t want to be in contact any more. I’m not confident enough to talk first in case you tell me you don’t want any more contact, I really couldn’t bear it but I can’t bear you ignoring me.
I think I care too much … I think they call it love xxx
We are only human. Just people. Just a man or a woman. Just us. So how do we define ourselves? Do we allow each other to decide on who we are? Or do we take the step ourselves to discover the opportunities that have been made for us?
I, myself, think about this often. Maybe too often. But most humans now a days look to other people for directions on what to do with themselves. And quite frankly I am very sad to be able to see it. We are ALL individuals. We all have our own way of thinking. Our own way of eating, talking, loving someone and more. So why do what someone else tells you?
I used to be like that too. But one day I woke up and realized that this is MY life. My place to discover the individual I am. And with that I leave you with a question that you should answer within yourself.
Who gets to decide what you are going to do today?
My life. It’s complex and full of heartache. On the outside I appear a mere dumb blonde with blue eyes and tan skin. But few know what is behind my image.
I have a mentally and physically disabled brother, who will ultimately have a short life. I watch his conditions worsen every day, and it kills me knowing I cannot help him. He suffers… he is in so much pain. I am determined to become a neurologist to help people like him.
I was home schooled through grade school and was made fun of by home schoolers. I was also excluded all through high school because I’m shy and came into a small school where everyone already knew each other. I then got myself into an extremely abusive relationship for 2 years, but I finally was able to break up for good, even though he stalked me.
A few weeks ago my grandmother died in my arms. I cared for her every day for 2 years.
I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was only 8, and two years ago I had a complex heart surgery that essentially ruined my heart and my mind. I will eventually need a pacemaker and I am frequently in and out of the hospital. I now have anxiety, claustrophobia, asthma, and arachnophobia- all of which stemmed from my surgery.
I roof houses to help my dad, and train horses and hike to help my soul. I paint to ease my mind, and play piano for my mother.
I have few friends. I am too shy. I don’t fit in with other girls. I don’t care about shallow topics and small talk, I dislike drama and gossip.
And then there’s him. We’re best friends. He understands me in a way no one else does. We get along in a way that cannot be described. We’ve been friends for a few years, but we were never this close until recently. I love him desperately, but I’ll never make a move. I’m too shy. And old fashioned. And I’d never want to ruin our friendship. Maybe he loves me too, but I may never know. I will just ride out life and see what happens. I will just enjoy the time spent with him.
Despite all this, I don’t cry, I don’t weaken, I don’t fall, I don’t regret. I remain strong and determined and I live in the moment. Life is too short to dwell on the past and too complex to dream about the future. Live in the now.
Don’t take this as a sob story, take this as a ray of hope. There are aspects of your life that are better than mine. Be grateful for your health, your family, and every success you may have. I wish each of you the best! Remember to live for the moment and make decisions based on what you will not regret. Chin up, and smile. Even if it hurts.
You know best. No one else.