• How did I

    by  • February 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    know the uplifting words on a package of yogi tea before opening the teabag? Maybe I should say “know” since really more of the words ran through my head and then minutes later I get some tea and oh how funny there those same words are. There should be no exchange environmental information or stimulus by some sort of frequency here.

    From experience the rotation of quotes seems to be diverse.

    Almost

    by  • February 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Our relationship is difficult to explain. When I moved back I had set boundaries. I had told them neither one of us are committed. Yes we have sex, but it’s not nearly as often as it use to be. I don’t want to mislead them. I turn them down quite a bit. I don’t mean to, but I just won’t do it unless I’m feeling it. I can’t pretend well. He gets aggravated about it. I told him that when I had moved out and lived on my own for awhile, that I had gotten involved with someone. He doesn’t know who of course. I did tell him that they decided it wasn’t their thing and ended it. I had told him I was feeling heart broken when you ended it. He does make comments every now and again when he has to go to work. Like “Now you can go see your boyfriend” or if I’m writing a letter he says “You texting your boyfriend?” I don’t get upset. I do understand. Something changed when I moved out. I don’t know if it’s because I liked being independent or if it’s because of my deep feelings for you. It’s probably a combination of both those things. He grabs my ass and breast a lot. It makes me feel like a piece of meat at times. Subconsciously I wonder if I turn him down so much wanting him to maybe find another so when I was ready to be independent he wouldn’t hurt so . I care for him and love him as a human being. I just don’t feel like I’m in love with him…… Maybe I just need a bit more healing from you leaving me. Maybe my feelings for him would intensify. I still think about you a lot. I should probably focus on not doing that so much, because that’s probably what makes me long for you hard. The thoughts start off sweet and innocent then before I know it my mind is flooded with us making love. He doesn’t mind if I enjoy being with another woman. To tell the truth I feel more comfortable with women. Am I gay? Yes. I always have been. Am I straight? Yes always have been. I would say I enjoy both sexes. If I ever found the one then I would just be with that one. I thought you were the one. I know your not gay. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should’ve guarded my heart with you. You made it known you weren’t available to me from the beginning. You didn’t lead me on at all. You made it clear you were happy where you were at and just wanted to have fun. I had told you a few times how I felt, but it was usually in your ear while making love, so you probably just shook it off thinking it was ecstasy talking and not me. It was me though. When you touched me, it felt right. All of you felt right. I’m glad you stayed guarded. I would’ve never been able to walk away. I was too smitten. I know you had a life of your own. I know you had curiosities about it all. I would never have asked you to leave your life. For all I knew yall were extremely happy. From what I saw yall were anyway. Had some problems, but all relationships do. It’s normal.
    When you ended it I shut down. I’ve never felt that way before. I learned a lot, but am having trouble letting go. You’ve made it clear you want nothing more to do with me. Maybe you don’t even give me a second thought anymore. Maybe you feel relieved you ended it. I don’t know. Im getting stronger. I’m wanting to start hanging out with friends I’ve pushed back for awhile. I pushed them back before I met you. When I moved out on my own I pushed everyone back so I could focus. Next week I’m seeing a friend whos visiting for a week. She’s going to be staying mon to mon. She moved to Louisiana a couple years ago, but has a court date next wednesday. She’s staying in the coast town where I pass your place to get there. She’s been a friend for 20 years. I’ve told her of us. To her your name is Legend. She has no clue who you are. Her and I did mess around back in the day, but we never fell in love. We were young and liked to party. That’s all. I haven’t seen her in a couple of years. She’s 52 yrs old. Enough about that. Sorry for the rambling. I guess I just needed it off my chest. I’ve got 4,270 saved. Almost to my goal for a decent start. He has no clue how much I’ve got saved. I miss you something terrible. You will always be my Girl…..I’m here if you need or want me. I hope you are being loved the way I love you…..

    To: You
    From: Me

    To: My Future

    by  • February 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I’m so ready to start police Academy once my daughter starts driving on her own……. this is the year of change! I can feel it! I am soooo excited. I have been a lost mess for a year and a half.

    To My Ex Best Friend

    by  • February 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I suppose I should have prepared myself for this day. We’ve been drifting apart for months. I tried to fix it, but I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed you to give 50%. I just needed something, anything from you to show that you cared about our friendship, too. I guess you didn’t, though. Still, I had hope that maybe you did care, that maybe this day would never come. But, it has.

    Now, I see you walking around with her everyday laughing like we used to. You two laugh about the same things we used to laugh about. You tell her all the same stories that I’ve known for years. I’m sure you tell her all the secrets that you spilled to me so long ago as well. I feel like a shadow when I talk with you guys. It’s obvious that I’m the third wheel now. I’m the one out of the loop. I’m the extra one. I can’t even resent you for it. How can I after all the time I’ve spent loving you and making memories with you? We were best friends for so long I can’t even despise you like I wish I could.

    I wish I could go back in time and fix whatever went wrong. I wish I even knew what had gone wrong in our friendship. If only I could move on from all those years of friendship like you did in a day. I always find things I still want to talk to you about, but you’re just not there anymore. How did you do it? How did you just walk away and stop caring? If I could ask you anything, it would just be that. I guess I’ll have to move on now and make new friends. I’m just scared that I’ll never find anyone as great as you. How can anyone else know what I’m upset about just by looking at my expression? It can’t be the same. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

    It still hurts

    by  • February 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I know I cheated on you, and I know when I came to your house to tell you I didn’t clarify. and you thought I had actually sex it ruined the story of it all, I admit I cuddled and kissed a guy at his house and I almost did oral. I was dating a girl and I’m a girl myself I didn’t even know what I was doing so I didn’t do it full on. The story does no justice because it clearly mattered. It still hurts you. I’ve said I’m sorry a million times and let you call me names and give me crap. but it hurts what you did to…
    You ran off with a guy and let him go down on you, something personal since ya know… (GIRL SEX WAS THE FIRST SEX I EVER HAD AND MY EX GF). It would bother me so much i’d scream and cry still I had to stop and pull to the sides of the roads because it always just popped up. How you said you even liked it. made my stomach flip inside out like a dying flower I welted and let the thorns sting.
    In all honestly I don’t think I’ve ever truly came to terms that you cared about everything even what others thank the most it hit me like a wave and I felt the girl I knew slip and I knew.. I knew then that when you found out that it happened we curled up in my Kia kissing and crying you forgave me for what it felt like and then you said you had to go or else people would know. and you slipped out of my arms for the last time, when I fully felt the love you spoke about, I miss your kisses a lot.. I wonder why I wasn’t enough to come back to like I’m the one that got hurt.. I know how it looks but a lot of this is just BS. My family hated me for liking a girl, type of parents who just didn’t let you out, didn’t let you make mistakes, made you scared and fearful.. she kept me away from it for a while. its like she felt like home my run to escape. you are still my favorite place… till this day I think we could have made it.. I just want you know it hurts.. it hurts because I know it’s all my fault.

    To: All Couples!

    by  • February 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Let a person make you feel less than what you value yourself. If a person tries to devalue you, it’s because they don’t value themselves. Instead of working on themselves they take the easy way out and devalue others to meet them at their own level. You may see the other person at a higher level than what they see themselves at, but that doesn’t do them or you any good in the long run. They have to see it in themselves. Even if a person has succeeded at lowering your own self value. It’s ok! A lot of growth can come from that. True self value is usually found at moments like that. It goes both ways. If you don’t hold high value to yourself then expecting someone to show you value isn’t going to work. It only causes aggravation on both sides.

    My perspective on the outside looking in? You want to be treated at the higher level of value and he can’t do that for you because he doesn’t value himself. You also don’t see your high value. Ohhhh but if only you saw the value I see in you! You would be unstoppable! My value of you is of no good if you can’t see it. My words only seem shallow.

    My opinion? You both need to see your both priceless! Until then it will be a swim upstream. Eventually you both wearout……
    Take time to focus on each your own value, then see if your willing to invest in each others value. You may both realize you either want to invest in each other or you will both see you would rather invest in other people. It wouldn’t really matter because you both will have self value by then!

    How does one obtain self value? Don’t stay in a situation that devalues you. That’s a start! Allowing each other to do this would be both people showing each other value to one another..

    To All the Couple that find themselves swimming upstream with logs floating downstream.