• My reader

    by  • May 22, 2018 • 0 Comments

    Hello Anonymous Friend(s),
    You checked in on me a few times and I wanted to tell you that I am okay. Its been a long road but I am well on my way to living the rest of my life.

    Thank you so much for caring. I hope (that word again) you are happy and that you’ve found a little pixie dust to keep you flying.

    I will be back to write someday soon. I still read here frequently.

    -A. Mused


    by  • May 22, 2018 • 0 Comments

    Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad

    Baby we can talk all night
    But that ain’t gettin us nowhere
    I told you everything I possibly can
    There’s nothing left inside of here
    And maybe you can cry all night
    But that’ll never change the way I feel
    The snow is really piling up outside
    I wish you wouldn’t make me leave here
    I poured it on and I poured it out
    I tried to show you just how much I care
    I’m tired of words and I’m too hoarse to shout
    But you’ve been cold to me so long
    I’m crying icicles instead of tears
    And all I can do is keep on telling you
    I want you, I need you
    But-there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
    Now don’t be sad
    ‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad
    Now don’t be sad
    ‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad
    You’ll never find your gold on a sandy beach
    You’ll never drill for oil on a city street
    I know you’re looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
    But there ain’t no Coup de Ville hiding at the bottom
    Of a Cracker Jack box
    I can’t lie, I can’t tell you that I’m something I’m not
    No matter how I try
    I’ll never be able to give you something
    Something that I just haven’t got
    There’s only one girl I’ll ever love
    And that was so many years ago
    And though I know I’ll never get her out of my heart
    She never loved me back
    Oh I know
    I remember how she left me on a stormy night
    She kissed me and got out of our bed
    And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
    She packed her bags and turned right away
    And she kept on telling me
    She kept on telling me
    She kept on telling me
    I want you, I need you
    But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
    Now don’t be sad
    ‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad
    I want you, I need you
    But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
    Now don’t be sad
    ‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad
    Baby we can talk all night
    But that ain’t getting us nowhere

    I miss you

    by  • May 22, 2018 • 2 Comments

    Countless words I have been writing
    and erasing with the same speed
    Feels like words just keep hiding
    Cause I keep hiding what I need
    Hiding for everybody around me
    Be who they need me to be
    For them, for them, for them…
    Made me lose my opportunity
    To see something grow
    between you and me
    I missed my chance
    I missed our dance
    Missed my shot on love and unity
    So here I am
    Bathing myself in immunity.
    Here no one knows
    Here no one sees

    Here everybody knows
    But no one knows me.

    Hey Big Brother!

    by  • May 22, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I hope you read this. I pray. I need for you to know this: You have defined your love for me as your little sister. LITTLE sister… I am older than you. I have more stable employment. Yet, you INSIST on insulting me as beneath you. As if I am not good enough. It MUST be physical attraction that is lacking. I am not your physical type: young, tall, slender, and the total femenine mytique. I had hoped we were fighting FOR each other (in attempts to become closer), not against each other… oh, well. I DO hope that you don’t some day hope for a woman who understands you on a deeper level, because ya know what? You just banished my love! In order to stay alive, I must turn my love off. That only reveals your weakness. An intelligent woman is your weakness. Or wait. You fall for sexy women and push away intelligent women, huh? You idiot! Enjoy being used and abused! When you could have been admired and adored.

    But you feed off of that, don’t you? You use me and my attraction to you. You always have and always will. I am nothing to you, am I? I am a pining girl, waiting for you to MUTUALLY confess to me! (I did. Over a year ago. Twice. You laughed it off. Remember?)

    Now it is your turn and you are such a coward that you are afraid of me doing the same to you?

    A) who says you are above the meanness that you dish out?
    B) Who says I would even acknowledge your love foe me at this point?

    Really considering the time frame, it is pretty ignorant to think I am cared for by the one i long for.

    I feel broken

    by  • May 21, 2018 • 0 Comments

    May sound silly, but it’s how I feel.
    I look in the mirror and I just don’t know who the hell I am anymore.
    I’ve realised Ive neglected myself so much over the past year.
    Fed myself so much rubbish in attempt to feel a little bit better. But all I’d done is damage myself. I’ve damaged my gut (trying to get it back on track) now eating at regular times and detoxing, but my digestive system just doesn’t seem to have a clue what’s going on. Today it felt like a washing machine again despite everything I’ve been trying to help it.
    Felt a bit better than last week so hopefully we’re getting there.
    I feel like I’ve also lost so much confidence.
    I seem to rely on reassurance so much and for what, why can’t I trust myself?!
    I don’t feel like I’m ever able to do anything. I seem to be finding so much so difficult at the moment.
    Don’t get me wrong I couldn’t be working harder at the moment and for that I’m incredibly proud of myself.
    But at the same time, why can’t I feel better. Why can’t I feel stronger?
    Why can’t I be better?
    It sounds ridiculous but I’m hurting a lot at the moment also emotionally. I feel aware of the support I probably needed at every stage of my life and because I didn’t seem to have it at some of the most important times and was taken advantage of at such a young age, I feel like I lost trust in the world and who I was in it. Despite treatment, I feel whenever I’m overwhelmed, struggle to do something or am generally low, that feeling kicks back in.
    I feel like no one thinks anything of me but a waste.
    I don’t want to think that of myself, but I don’t see a way out. I see myself as someone that has let too many people in only to either take advantage or let me down.
    I feel like I am nearly done with men. I have had nearly zero success in relationships. Can I be bothered to put the effort in into dating anymore? No I can’t..
    It takes a lot for me to really like someone. I found someone special but they were already occupied. Someone else I previously liked just told me about other people that they liked which obviously wasn’t me.
    I wish I didn’t feel damaged and broken but I really do.
    I also hold some anger and quite a great deal of sadness. I struggle now to let anyone in because I don’t want anyone to know how I broken I really am.
    I feel like I’m grieving when I haven’t really lost because I never really had. 🙁
    I hope I’ll be able to look back on this in a couple of years able to tell myself it would all work out okay Iin the end. That I’m doing my best and that’s all i can do.