• No, really, it’s YOU, not me

    by  • October 4, 2015 • 0 Comments

    I don’t think I can do this anymore. This paradigm spells disaster for me, I can see it so clearly. I see it in the way other people are reacting to me, the way they’re trying to ignore me as politely as they can. I can’t really blame them. God knows what you told them about me. Probably that I’m some serial rapist who wears the same pair of underwear every day, or some other outrageous falsity with no bearing in reality. But beyond that, what I’m doing doesn’t feel romantic or heroic anymore, it feels creepy. It’s like you’re trapping me into becoming the person you’ve told people I am by leading me on to believe this is what you want. Well fuck what you want. I’ve tried to please you for years now. It’s time for what I want. And what’s frustrating to me is that I know you are fully capable of giving me what I want, but that you are also puzzlingly unwillling to even try.

    Don’t get me wrong, seeing you that night, that was the greatest thing to happen to me in a long time. (I wish I knew that was going to be my only chance to impress you and not just a ‘reacquaintencing’). But this is what you do to me every freaking time, from the very beginning til now. You lead me on, you tell me I can have you if I just try a little harder, then I do, and then you let me down hard. Like you’re calculating how to deliver maximum disappointment to me. You’re probably the biggest tease I’ve ever known. (And I’ve known my fair share).

    I want you to know that I have cultivated other options. Several. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but it really is the only way I can make it work with you. Take the pressure off our encounters. Stroke my ego after you devastate me. Make me feel wanted, when you so clearly don’t care how I feel. I’ve broken a lot of hearts in the past for you, but if things don’t change soon, and I mean real soon, I will begin exploring other alternatives. Who knows, maybe I’ll find I AM good enough as a person to deserve something better than someone who constantly lies to me and lets me down.

    You know the old saying, “fool me once…..”. Well this feels like “fool me 643789 times, damn, what the fuck is wrong with me.” You need to do something, grow up, decide what you want and get serious about it, honestly I don’t even know what it is. And I don’t know that I really care anymore. Your competition is absolutely kicking your ass in the effort department, and I’m not going to continue excusing and justifying your words and actions because you haven’t earned any special treatment.

    Show me something. Step the fuck up. Or get ready to lose me for good.

    What do I have to do???

    by  • October 2, 2015 • 2 Comments

    Don’t I deserve someone who actually wants to spend time with me?

    Don’t I deserve a REAL relationship after so many years of being alone?

    Do you really give a shit about my feelings? Or do you just pretend to continue leading me on?

    I’ll give you some advice your dad once gave me…”you’re skating on thin ice.” At some point, not as far away as you probably think, my loneliness will override my love for you. Do you know what that’s called? Self esteem. For all your self-empowerment wisdom you fail to understand you are the single greatest reason I get down on myself so much.

    3 years. 3 fucking years have I given you. How much more do you need to start showing up for me?