• Black heart, blue eyes

    by  • September 16, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Two-and-a-half years is the time that you occupied my heart and mind. Plus the past seven months since you left. It seems a lot longer than that — when it’s all said and done.

    I let you take over and engulf my mind, body and soul. And happily you did. My home, my work hours, my free time, my family, my friends and even my sleep wasn’t really mine when I was with you. But still I handed you the keys. Gave you all of my attention and made you the center of my universe. But you didn’t even realize all I was giving and you could never repay me even half of what I gave to you. You bled me dry and you were too high to even see it or care. How long will you hide from your emotions?

    You were never really mine. You wouldn’t open up and let me in so I could see the real you. That I know. Still I gave all of myself to you. And even that didn’t make you want me in the end. You kept yourself hidden and unavailable. And kept me jumping for a key that you held over your head, but had no intention of ever giving me.

    I could never be enough for you. Even if I was the one with the house, the career, the education, the bigger heart. You always made me feel inferior and not good enough. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. You were simply killing time until you could get to where you want to be. Making me jump through invisible hoops. And I helped you. And you were also killing me.

    Now I’m still here and you gone off to chase the magic dragon. Everything finally became clear. You never were going to find a job there was never going to be a future you and me. So you went off to the mountains and left me to pick up the pieces of a broken hurt you couldn’t bear to stick around and see. Still happy to pull the strings from a world away. If I would keep letting you.

    But now I’m not giving you a second more of my time. You don’t deserve me as a friend or a future back-up plan. I deserve more. Even your sister told me that. And now, seven months later after you left me the second time, I’m finally saying goodbye. You can’t hurt me any more because you’re just a memory too me.

    I hope you don’t do this to someone else. You have no idea the pain you have caused. I hope someday I can forgive you because you are a dark, twisted soul, but now all I can say is goodbye. You’re a stranger.

    When you have reached that point

    by  • September 16, 2014 • 1 Comment

    I get to a point in my emotional state that i just can’t take it. Everyone does i guess, and i know I’m not the only one and I also know I am not in as such a bad a place as others may be, but at this point i can’t take it. The anger builds and builds and builds and i contain it. I try and releive it. I do what I must to keep going and not stop and keep my drive high and let the anger go. But at some point when i break, in my head, in my own world the anger envelopes me and i am the only one. I myself am the only person who is alive and furious. But as the anger fades from the tantrum, its the depression, the true monster striking the truest blow to my heart. As if the anger protects me from the initial flood of depression of the mental break. Even so it envelopes me, drowns me. Tears endless tears pour and pain surfaces, and my will fades into the background. LIke a forgotten memory. All of the bad and wrong in life grows and becomes massive. That happy go lucky feeling and lifestyle shatters and nothing but me in my head is left. Its happened so much but yet it never gets easy or better and i never get stronger or happier. Any it seems as though the fast way out would be easier but yet to scared to take that door. How long? How much anger and sadness can i endure before my psyche finally decides its enough and it just happens. How to i change or fix or be better are the questions that constantly float around in my head and i just want it to stop and see and do and be better and i wonder why do i feel this why do i act as if there is nothing better in life but yet i know better. Like my brain says keep going but my heart is saying let it end. Nothing in life is worth taking your own life… but why do i feel so much anger and sadness from the small things that build. How are kids trying to get out and make a life for themselves to do that when the adult acts as a child. When the only selfless person in the house gets the most hell. Why must i feel this way.

    I have no doubt…

    by  • September 16, 2014 • 0 Comments

    That if we could go back, we would both have done things differently. That’s why the past isn’t very important to me anymore. For a long time it was, but I’ve managed to forgive you. The same way I hope you can/have forgiven me. I really believe our intentions were always good; we’ve never wanted to hurt each other. We just approached the same problem from two different directions, and it took some time for us to meet in the middle. Maybe were not completely there yet, but were SO close.

    Lets move past our tortured history. Lets embrace our glorious future. You know how special we can be; I know you saw the envy in others eyes just like I did when we were together. We’ve both grown so much as people, and I can tell our relationship has become stronger for it.

    I love you.

    You are good and you deserve happiness.

    by  • September 16, 2014 • 1 Comment

    I had a coworker. She was insecure and needed constant affirmation. When I said something that made her feel good she repeated what she had said because she wanted to hear it again and again and again. She worked harder than everyone else, did much more than would have been necessary. Despite of this, she was extremely anxious and sensitive to any (potential) criticism. In the end she gave up trying to reach her goal and quit. She had been so much better than the underachiever who took over her position, but in contrast to her he had the superstar attitude and got what he wanted…

    Don’t make the same mistake. Don’t sabotage yourself.

    Indifference

    by  • September 16, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I guess I just don’t get how you don’t care. Maybe if I was some random girl you took home one night, I could see it. The thing is I’m not just some random girl and you know that. You will remember that. I can’t seem to keep myself from crumbling down around you, i struggle to hold up any sense of dignity and grace. I don’t think I owe you a reason as to why I succumb to your toxicity because that isn’t the main concern right now. The fact of the matter is, you fucked up by how you handled a fuck up. It was never about the actual pregnancy, it will always be about how you went about it afterwards. They say you can’t control the things that happen to you in life, but you can control how you react. Well, you pretty much decided your fate when you did absolutely nothing. You aren’t sorry that you didn’t check up on me while I was throwing up from morning sickness, you’re not mournful that I had to be put under with an iv just to get your baby vacuumed out of my body in a lab. You won’t feel the empty pain when you check your phone and realize that the person who did this to you isn’t going to call, can’t muster a single conversation in acknowledgement of someone else’s pain. Your indifference towards me in this time has proven your lack of compassion towards human beings other than yourself. I never told you I felt pain. I didnt want you to feel sorry for me or feel as though this affected me in any way. I think that right there is a wake up call for me to realize that I’m not comfortable enough to stand up for myself around you. We both know we have had a bittersweet past, the memories are like a mixed drink with two shots of electricity to complement every one of toxicity. I have realized that I need to put those memories behind me and take you for who you’re presenting yourself as today, which has not been favorable in relation to myself. I don’t damn you in all aspects of your decisions, just the ones you make in accordance to me. Every one has their own faults and weaknesses, their own go to excuses and shields of pride when faced in situations they don’t want to be in. However I don’t know that I will be able to accept yor faults any time in the near future. What you have done to me in this situation is far worse than anything you have ever said to me out of anger. I guess I’m disappointed in you as much as I am in me; how funny is it that all disappointment in life is derived from our own expectations of how things could/should be? Remarkable. This brush of reality forced me into sobriety of thought when it comes to what your actions say about you. Notice I have not yet deemed you a bad person, or in any way labeled you according to these truths. I have only explained how your actions correlating to this situation have made you look. I’m sure you’re embarrassed, I’m sure you already know this is a new low even for you. I just want to know how you can screw me over after knowing me for three and a half years. Tumultuous years, I admit, but ones I have never forgotten. Though the time has passed i still feel what it felt like to experience every one of those memories. The stab of loosely thrown words or the rush of adrenaline whenever we closed the door behind us. Maybe that’s just it, I haven’t found someone who matches that cold adrenaline that I feel when I’m around you. Does knowing this make you feel any more regretful? I guess I’m starting to see your actions as less of a betrayal than a reflection of my own self worth. I betray myself by allowing you in time and time again only to know you’ll leave.
    I don’t care if you don’t respond out of pure indifference towards my feelings. I won’t be surprised because that is what you have done to me after knowing I carried your child. Can I just ask you one question: did you ever imagine that kid existing, even for a glimpse? Maybe it being one or two, or perhaps seeing it as a grown adult. Walking down a busy street because they craved that energy and whimsical lust that the city has to offer like I did at this age. I’ve tried to imagine them not becoming as fucked up as i expected them to be, out of the circumstances of their coming of existence. Even so, they would have been beautiful.
    I know you are aware that I don’t exactly have the need for maternal feelings, but believe me when I say I’ll never push what I did in that clinic out of my mind. Even though those three weeks of prenatal physical torture consumed me, a tiny sliver of my heart will hold on to what it felt like to carry a life inside of me other than my own. Maybe this won’t be the only time I will ever get pregnant, but I will never be able to forget the decision I made for myself. And you know what, one day I’ll forgive you and look at you as an innocently flawed individual, but until then i need to heal from what your actions have made me realize. I can no longer hold on to you as if youre going to slip out of my grip, because that probably wouldn’t be a bad thing if you did. I don’t know what your thoughts were from the time you left Vegas in august up until now but you don’t owe them to me. All I want is for you to wake up one day and go about your daily routine until one sudden thought makes you think of me. Maybe you’ll be walking down the street to get groceries or hailing down a taxi in New York when you suddenly think, wow I wonder how she is. Not because of what you did to me, but because you’re genuinely interested. I guess that’s all I’ve ever wanted from you: genuine interest.

    Micheal, I still like you

    by  • September 16, 2014 • 0 Comments

    That’s not your real name, but we joked about it a lot. I told you I would call you that because it seemed to fit you more. Since we were in the 8th grade I’ve had the biggest crush on you. I acted like I was just joking with you about it, but I was always serious, I just didn’t want you to reject me or to make things between us awkward. I HATED all of your girlfriends. They were either idiots, bitches, or dated every guy in our school. In the 9th grade we “dated”. I guess you could call it that, but it was only for 3 days. Things just felt too weird. But, I was hurt more than I let on. When it happened I had thought “FINALLY, it’s my turn.” I was SO happy. but then we “broke up” because of the feeling. Then someone told me you had only went out with me in the first place because you felt bad for me.

    That hurt more than anything, You denied it, but I guess I won’t really know. I had only one boyfriend before you. I didn’t think anyone actually liked me, until you said something. I got over it though. Then, you got a new girlfriend. I was happy for you two, and thought nothing of it. I actually like her, and we’re friends now. I had moved on… for the first year. Now, at 16, I realize that “not talking to you” is not the same as “getting over you”. Now we work together, and talk ALL the time. I realized that I’m no different from any other girl.

    I still like you.

    fuck your meme

    by  • September 16, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I am tired of seeing uninformed imbeciles use social media as a platform to share a fucking meme about complex topics.

    Oh yeah, a captioned image really conveys the depth of a subject like minimum wage. No need for comments about the consumer price index or inflation, no mention of economic models, data is non existent for these sort of people because it is too confusing. They just need a picture of a soldier fighting a war captioned “tell me again how you deserve $15 an hour for flipping burgers” to settle the issue. If you share something like that I doubt you would look up the base pay of an entry level active duty soldier & compare the figure of $18,387 a year to the federal poverty guidelines to see that it only affords for a family of 2 to straddle just above the poverty line. Entry level soldier has a family of 3, they fall well under the line of $19,790, unless of course they live in Alaska or Hawaii where the cost of living is significantly higher.

    These are the same sort of people who want to see drug testing for welfare recipients… oh yeah, we better take up this issue, real important. Never heard of IRS exceptions to self dealing by private foundations for certain government officials… don’t care that senators set up private foundations with money from the government & tax payers then use the foundation to receive annuities, stock bonuses, awards & prizes, which isn’t self dealing where it would be if any private citizen were doing that, because the IRS has special exceptions for certain government officials. Though, yeah, drug testing people on welfare, totally where our attention should be focused. Same thing with all those selfish burger flipping nobodies who keep causing a ruckus about increasing the minimum wage…

    It is unfortunate that you people will not be remembered as your mediocrity is so unremarkable, because you deserve to be remembered for trying to bully the little guys instead of taking on giants.

    Happy Day of birth

    by  • September 16, 2014 • 3 Comments

    It’s your birthday today. Happy birthday! Hope you had a wonderful day. Miss you ???? Wish you the best on this special day.