I had a dream about you last night… You were sitting on a bench waiting for me. When you saw me you smiled and my heart skipped a beat. You broke up with your current girlfriend because you knew there would never be a love like ours. When I saw you I felt at home, like it had been too long since the last time(it has been too long since the last time). You told me you missed me and asked about what was going on in my life and as much as I wanted to update you whenever I opened my mouth to speak nothing came out. I woke up missing you. Wanting to write you and tell you about this dream. Wanting to write you and tell you everything that has been going on in my life. When I woke up I wanted to look up flights. I wanted to buy the first ticket headed your way and call you when I got there. Surprise!
… I often imagine what meeting up with you after all these years would look like. We might meet somewhere for breakfast. We’d start off with the basics… What’s new? How have you been? To find out if things really have change much since the last time we saw each other. After that we might go see a movie that neither of us really cares about so I can ‘accidentally’ brush my hand against yours and see if there is still something between us even though we both already know the answer. There will always be something there. When the movie is finished I’d take you out for a drink at a not so busy bar where I get you really drunk….I’ve always wondered what being drunk with you would be like. I imagine we’d talk about things much greater than the two of us. You are one of the only people to this day that I could actually talk to. Do you remember our first phone conversation? 9 hours of getting to know each other and I still wasn’t ready for the conversation to end. After a few drinks I’d probably kiss you because I don’t remember what it feels like to have your lips against mine. I do remember my way home after our first kiss with butterflies in my stomach and my cheeks aching from smiling so much. I remember the first time you slipped your tongue in my mouth on the floor of your mom’s dining room after making cookies. I miss you….
When I woke up I remembered you’re hers now.. I want you to be happy, I want things to work out between you two(not really but if you’re happy then yeah…). When I woke up I realized that I was never enough for you and my heart broke again.
It’s been 4 years
I’ve tried to smoke everything away
My worries fears regrets
I dove headfirst into a new relationship to forget you
You never asked me to stay, you never saw me in your future
The day after we broke up you went to the beach.. All four years that we dated all I wanted was for you to take me to the beach.
I let you go knowing that if things were meant to be they would
I then proceeded to dive into the first arms who would take me and do the things that I always asked for… even if the stories didn’t always line up, even if it hurt, even if I knew it wasn’t the person I was gonna marry(I always thought I was going to marry you).
Make it work. Figure it out. Maybe I am the problem.
I think about you when I cook eggs.
I cry and want to tell you.
Its been so long since we’ve seen each other I’m not sure how I’d even act
I believed you’d wait for me
but you’re in a new relationship.
She seems kind, smart, adventurous..
Probably (definitley) not as crazy and needy as me
You decorate your apartment for Christmas with her and I wonder why you never wanted to decorate with me…
I wonder if you love her?
And if you do love her I wonder if you love her like you loved me…
I want you to make a playlist for me
I refresh 8tracks daily waiting
I’ll know then
But what will I know?
I want to be friends
But above all for you to be happy..
Instead I’ll write letters that I’ll never send about heartbreak and regret.
Instead I will learn to cook amazing eggs.
Instead I will wait.
That serendipity and a Sunday morning will bring me back to you.