• The Way I Fell

    by  • November 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Felt the traceable thread
    that binds us,
    slippery fingers delving into
    warm touch, then hot
    letting it simmer between
    the dodge of songs,
    the prettiness in your design.
    I wish I could kiss you all the time,
    when the silence comes
    when the music leaves
    and envelops some muscles of other souls.
    it is so hard to
    leave this place,
    every time I feel my heart
    galloping towards home
    but always circling back on your
    doorstep,
    the one I always tend to avoid
    when my heart convulses
    and the hemorrhage cannot be saved.
    but last night, I wished
    for your lanky arms,
    your movement beyond slender
    dissipating dreams.
    you hold me without a single finger
    grazing my skin.
    It is an intoxication
    A sobering selfish dive
    and yet, I wish It was more.
    Every time, I wish to
    kiss you
    and every ounce of me leaves
    wishing
    for pennies to throw
    in wishing wells.
    In truth, it has been a
    less than courageous battle
    to not lose it every time you see me,
    How I wish I had conjured the
    whole thing
    to a simple allergy.
    but there is something that binds
    us,
    with slippery fingers
    and outstretched arms.
    there is something
    in the way I fell.

    Propositional Phrases

    by  • November 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Found. Found as if lost was a state that could change. Everything charged and vibrating; it was easy to move. It seemed so innocent to find a shiny little shard and put it in a pocket – dark and unfamiliar.
    Woolly and soft.
    Empty home.

    A tiny adventure for the inanimate has brought it to life.

    I could stack metaphors like bricks of builds, carve them intricately into doors, bring them rolling down clouds with tentaive rain – and still be lost.

    I could find the words, direct and sharp, angle them exactly, bring them piercing through skin like needles – and still not know.

    Words, vibrations, sounds are not light. Light is my language. Colour drops from my tounge.

    Only a spectum, fast and high – behind a divine scent, under an incoherent sound, through a taste – will change a state.

    At dawn I will hold this glassy geometry to light and look. Is it just an object?

    -A.Mused

    From the bottom of my heart. (Again)

    by  • November 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I hate you from the bottom of my heart. You said that to me once. It stung for a second but then I was fine. You didn’t mean it. You knew I knew you didnt mean it.

    So much has happened over the years and it is very painful for me to think that this could be it for us. Here we are years later, and you’ve cut me out, again. I played a big role in this, I know. I am partially, and listen to me carefully, partially to blame. I won’t take full responsibility for this, you played your role.

    There is clearly no way to communicate this to you now, every attempt I’ve made went unanswered. I think I know what you want, and I think I know why you are doing what you are doing. Yet I can’t be sure; I am not in your head. I wish you would just talk to me, this is breaking my heart. But I give up, I can’t keep doing this to myself. I could be happily married by now if I wasn’t hung up on you. The what if’s can screw. I’m done wondering. I am going to continue to live my life, without you unfortunately in it, but to the fullest and enjoy every moment. You know I will. I will be happy. You know this too. But we both know we could be happy together.

    You dont want to commit? You dont want to steal me away? Maybe I am wrong, all you ever wanted was to get laid? Thats a long time to not get laid! At this moment in time I am willing to face the fact that you may not always get what you want. I hope you don’t regret this. I know I already do.

    Alone

    by  • November 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    So much has happened. I have a good job now and bought a car. Paying rent and bills. Making new friends and got two jobs actually now. The truth is I have everything I need now except a guy. I have finally realized that none of these letters have ever been for me. It took a number of months to come to terms with that.

    I have a few guy friends, but they are all platonic. I only think of them as my brothers. I don’t need a guy to make me happy. I’ve found my own happiness and the joy of helping other people. It would just be nice to meet someone who wants to be with me and is happy too.

    impatient to meet you,

    Ashley

    Words I’ll Never Tell You

    by  • November 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    Dear my ‘Almost,’

    Throughout these past two months of grieving the end of something that had barely started, I have come to think many things. I have come to anger, confusion, and pain like I have never known it before. I have been forced for the first time to truly understand what it means to be led on and lied to, then discarded.

    I loved you. And you claimed you loved me, perhaps far too early, but I chose to believe you and see if your actions met with your words. For a short while, they did. I saw so much potential in you… in us… and you convinced me you wanted a long term relationship. So imagine my surprise when suddenly one morning the only excuse you can give me is that ‘we might get into an argument in the future.’ That was your only reason for leaving me, wondering if you ever actually cared at all.
    I could die in a car crash tomorrow- so I should just never drive again? Your excuse astounds me, and quite frankly, I will not for a moment be convinced it was your actual reason for leaving me behind. Perhaps you fell out of attraction quickly, or some other girl caught your attention. I only wish you had not shielded me with a lie that makes no sense.

    I am left to wonder what happened, and how, and when. I am left to wonder how much time I wasted trying to be the best I could for you, to hear you when you were sad, to encourage you and show I truly cared. All of that time I spent hoping you would know how much you meant to me and how much hope I had for us, and you fed into it the entire time, insisting you felt the same.

    Now you’re gone. We haven’t directly spoken, at least when it is just the two of us. You speak to me only with others around, fall silent when I walk by, at times watch from a distance. You wanted to stay friends… but I am sick when I see you. Because every time I see your face or hear your voice, I am left to wonder why. And I cannot kill myself with false hope anymore.

    I would by lying if I said I didn’t wish you would come back to me, if only to apologize for how you left and to explain yourself. For if a breakup was truly what you needed, I stand by my words from that numbing day: I respect your decision. But I can’t respect how it was done and the fact it feels like so many unanswered questions and lies. I will not forgive you for that. But I will not fight for someone who won’t fight for me.

    I miss you. My dreamer of a heart can’t feel otherwise, and I believe for a while I will be unable to date until that pain fades. But I will move on, because I have to. Because I deserve better than ‘maybe.’ I deserve better than someone who didn’t bother to stay or even try. You just quit, and walked away. And while I can say there is still a light on in my heart should you decide to come back… know that it won’t be easy. Because you shattered my trust, and you’d have to spend months earning it back. I just don’t believe you’re strong enough to do that.

    Until the day I do not have to see you every day at college… please leave me. Do not try to talk casually to me. You are not my friend. Do not ask me if I am alright, because I can’t let myself believe for an instant that you might actually care. Do not try to play nice. I am done with the games. You wanted to cut me from your life, now you must do so completely, or fix it. But it’s all up to you.

    Hate is not something I can feel- so I still wish you well. I wish you peace and all the happiness you can find, and I hope one day you are able to love another completely, and not run away from them at the first sign of struggle. I hope one day the world does not seem so dull to you. I hope one day, you come to appreciate yourself more- because goodness knows you can barely value yourself, let alone others. I still love you. I think, perhaps, that I always will.

    I will learn to love again. I will find someone who values me and wants to work with me to build something beautiful. Whether or not this is you, that is your choice. I know I’ll be fine if it is not. I’m setting you free, and I hope for both our sakes, you set me free as well if you have no intentions of mending what you’ve broken. Don’t expect me to be the one to approach you. Your silence has said enough, and I am done with niceties.

    Goodbye to the ‘Almost’ that never was, the ‘Maybe’ that could have been. I will wait patiently for my ‘Always’ and ‘Forever.’

    Sincerely,
    The girl you left behind.

    Time heals

    by  • November 20, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I’ve noticed myself writing about you less and less
    The physical hurt is starting to die down
    The sting isn’t as painful as it was initially
    The hole is still there,
    open wide
    Burnt through flesh and bones,
    and my etheric soul
    However, flesh can mend
    The body repairs
    and somehow you feel a little more whole
    Again
    When you thought you couldn’t
    A piece of me is gone with you,
    but a manifestation of the new is coming through
    and building a stronger me
    like a Phoenix from the ashes
    I rebirth
    I rebuild
    I reignite
    a flame that was put out by you
    A spark of self love
    and self respect
    The need for balance in all things
    The awareness of my thoughts
    My feelings, be it of high or low vibrations
    I feel them now
    I’m no longer numb
    I’m not broken as much
    and the pieces start to come back together
    One more time
    I still love you
    I just don’t want you as much anymore.
    Which is what I need to be okay.