I’ve never been good at saying what I mean. When I’m around you I can’t get my point across, I’m too afraid of saying something that will hurt your feelings or make you think something that isn’t true. Kind of like what happened when I told you I didn’t want to be with you anymore. I was so upset that day, I can’t say why because something even more important then our friendship is at stake, but I just knew that day that you were too much in love with someone else to ever see me as anything but an obstacle. I knew so long as you had your dream girl, I would never have any hope of living up to your expectations. And I was cruel, I said things to you I should never have said, even if they were true. But you must understand, four months of waiting in agony for any sign of returned affection after all your promises that you really did like me, just really dragged me down to a point of despair that I could not have come out of without sticking up for myself in some way. But you already have had my apology, and it’s the most I can offer.
I know our relationship may have made you feel guilty, or like you’re being a bad guy to either me or the girl you care for so much, but I hope you come to understand at some point that there is nothing but authentic interpersonal discovery and beauty in human connection and that what we had, merely a brief moment of sunshine in our lonely lives, taught us both many things. Even if those things were sometimes quite painful, though I can’t exactly speak for you. For all I know it was a pleasant walk in the park and an easy losing of your virginity for you, but I like to think that it was something more.
I’m not writing this to try and get you to date me, or be with me, or even care about me. I have come to terms with how you feel about me, truly, even if it still hurts, and I quite understand. In fact, as I told you the first time we ever spoke in your car that first time we were hanging out, I more then just respect a guy who has another girl in his heart, I’m 100% willing to give him space and NEVER pursue the subject ever again no matter how much I care, because I believe so much in true loyalty. I only wish you had been honest with me then about your strong feelings for LS from the start. And more then anything, I wish for you that she was in the same place you are, as willing and unfailingly dedicated as you, so that you don’t have to be so alone and unhappy all the time. I wish someone felt for me as strongly as you feel for her, because I would never throw away such loyalty and true affection, no matter what the distance. That kind of love is worth perusing across the globe.
Anyway… you can’t blame me for being upset and not understanding why. You are so silent, so hard to read. You honestly make yourself unhappy, you choose a path that keeps you in the same position, forever waiting… waiting for a life that’s meant for you, waiting for a girl who seems to be doing her own thing regardless of how tremendously you care. And I see it, I see it happening to you, and it hurts more then my own heartbreak. You may think I’m stupid, but I observer every nuance, I am as much an observant and thoughtful human as you, and you can rest assured that I have thought many tearful hours over how you could find happiness, with or without me.
I guess what I want to say, and I know it’s about as silly as Rachel said it was when she said it to Ross after his wife called the marriage off…. but I loved you, I love you now even though it hurts, and no matter if you are with me, LS, or any other girl who makes you happy, I will love you until the day I die. You are a caring, kind individual… you have good morals, a good head on your shoulders, and a good deal of potential. We are both so open to interesting people, good music, in fact there’s so many things alike between use I can’t even list them. And all I wish you had more of was self reliance and motivation. You may judge me often and sometimes unfairly, but I know it is a failing which you can overcome, like all things. You should believe in yourself, because you are strong. There is untapped strength in you that could push you so much further then you are now. Even if you can’t feel it, I can.
You could be in Oregon right now, chasing down the girl of your dreams, with conviction and confidence, knowing your an attractive, smart man. You could make it work the same awkward, unpredictable way it’s happening now in California. And you would be such much better off, so much happier, with the girl of your dreams, in a place full of opportunity. I don’t see why you don’t just leap for the future! It blows my mind!
I just want you to know I believe in you, and I love you more then just someone I want to date, I love you as a person; you are too real and too nice to just be my friend. I can’t think of you that way, even if your not with me, I care about you more then anything but my family, and I want only the happiest path for you regardless of what it means for anyone, even me.
I hope you take this as something to motivate you to chase all those things you have been wanting your whole life. I just want you to find what makes you happy, even if I’m not a part of it, it will make me happy knowing you found your little part of the world, and you made it yours. I want you to realize that the world does not wait, time doesn’t wait, true love doesn’t wait, it pursues with a passion that is undying. I would pursue you as passionately as any lover may, as much as Juliet pursued Romeo besides every morbid obstacle. But for all the world, so long as your heart is miles away, I will never have you… and all I can do now for my own happiness, is accept it. Please, do not feel guilty for this if you are inclined. I want no hard feelings, no sad feelings between us. I want only the friendship you are willing to give me.
I don’t know why I wrote this letter. I’ve said so many foolish, odd things to you in the heat of awkward. nervous moments, so scared of your judgement, that I feel like the silliest, most ridiculous girl you’ve likely ever met. I just want you to know what’s really is in my head, really in my heart. How much I want to be close to you, no matter what label society likes to put on it. I just wanna be there for you, even if you don’t want me to be! Isn’t that silly? I guess it really is just me… being my own, stupid, naive self, wishing the world was so easy and simple as a song by Sinatra. Even so, I like how I am, I like how old school I am, and I guess I just hope you don’t mind me too much either. Being close to you… in any way… it’s the most I can ask.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmFaNuT-20g “Who knows where the road will lead us, only fools will say. But if you love me, for sure I’m gonna love you… all the way.”