It would have been nice to have gotten a nickname ????
It would have been nice to have gotten a nickname ????
Do this or that or I’m not your friend any longer. I remember this from my childhood. So ridiculous. I never had your evil thoughts. I wonder what you liked about me – if there was anything at all. Maybe you just thought you needed me – which does not make any sense to me either.
I miss you. It’s been over a month. You said I’ll be okay. Why do I feel worse. I love you. I still do.
I know this may seem very stupid since I am talking to my laptop right now.
As this break’s been going on and on and on. I’ve been doubting myself lately. Why am I here?
I get that I’m the son of my mom. I’m the brother of my siblings and I’m a friend to those who want me to be. But did I really deserve this? Cause from what I’ve been learning about myself. No. I don’t deserve the life I’m currently living in.
Everyday I see the news about people getting killed, people getting tortured, people dying sue to diseases and I’m just here, surfing the net and making my life a total waste. I don’t know why I’m not getting all the bad luck people keep getting. I deserve it. I know I do.
I’ve been a very selfish friend. A selfish brother. A rebellious son. And a traitor.
I’ve fallen in love. A lot of times. No one has seen it. No has felt it. And that’s one thing I appreciate. No one knows me.
It may seem really sad. But it’s really true. I’ve been living life like this for years now. All I’d do is hope for something that will never come true..
I’m fat. That’s one fact that I can’t take off my name. I’d usually give excuses about shit and I can’t seem to accept the real reason I’m fat. I just am.
I’m stupid. No, people tend to call me smart because I have grades that seem above average compared to others. No.. That’s not smart. I’m not wise. I’m stupid din life. I’ve been betrayed due to my stupidity.
I fake laughs and I fake smiles. For the sake of others. I enjoy seeing them being amused by my act. It makes me feel that slight pang of happiness.
Happiness. Something I’ve been craving for years. I haven’t seen bliss. I haven’t felt bliss. It’s sad y’know.
I remember my biggest fear… A fear I’ve been holding on for a very long time. The fear of being abandoned.
I’ve been scarred for life when I lost that necklace. I’ve been scarred for life when I saw that word. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been harassed. I’ve been bullied. But I deserve it. I deserve all the negativity in this world.
You wanna know why?
Cause I’m one selfish bitch.
I’ve been selfish to everyone I know. They’ve been wanting me to open up. But I can’t. Cause I’m selfish. I’m an attention seeker because I tend to long for comfort that’ll never be given to me. I’ve been lying to people. I’m happy. No. I’m just feeling a bit weird… But the truth is..
I’ve never wanted to be this sad… I’ve never wanted to long for someone to be there for me. I’ve never been able to control myself.
I’ve always wanted to die. I’ve wanted people to actually noticed me. But that’s selfish… I wonder when it’ll happen.
I guess all I can say is that I’ve been living life with blind hopes and dreams. I haven’t really tried I guess…
Well.. I have an offer.
Will you…. Kill me?
I thought I loved you, I’m sorry I said it.
You were right, I was still in love with someone else. I didn’t realise.
You’ve never made me feel the way she did, I don’t know why. You are/should be a complete match.
But now you’re gone, I miss you. It’s driving me insane. Never in the way that she did. It’s worse.
I hope the bonsai is doing well.
About you. In fact, I wish I could reach out to you and make sure you are okay. I always worry about you around this time. Instead, I just have to trust that you don’t need me and that you will be fine. I wouldn’t dare to make it worse, so I will remain in the shadows, but if I could, I would show you I am here for you, still. But since that’s not possible, I will continue to hold you silently in my thoughts, as well as my heart, along with my prayers. Miss you love you… Always.
I wish that you could see inside my head when I am with you, I wish that you could just sit and understand for a second.
I am trying my hardest to stay friends with you and I’m not even sure why anymore. I managed to convince myself that you needed me – that because you don’t get close to people and you don’t open up to people but you did with me – therefore you must need me. Now I’m starting to think that you don’t need me at all.
I don’t feel like the heaps of pain and the mass of emotions that hit me and make me feel ridiculous when I see you smile are worth it anymore. What’s the point in me trying to fight to keep this friendship alive when its all so one sided.
I feel like you got too used to me being there for you to fall back on.
I can’t tell if it is your discomfort in serious emotional conversations or your reluctancy to give a flying fuck about anyone else but yourself. Meanwhile I’m trying my best to get any kind of reaction out of you, using conversations I said I would never have with you.
I don’t know why I can’t just accept that you don’t feel anything for me romantically. I feel like I’m milling around in mass denial trying my best to figure out how I can get you back to where we were before. I heard you when you told me that you just never felt it, I felt the sincerity in your face I just didn’t connect with the words and I still can’t.
I absolutely resent you for allowing me to get to the stage where I told you I loved you. I asked you boldly to tell me if you wanted to go back to being friends and I told you explicitly that I needed to take a step back if that were the case. I told you we had come too far to go straight back to being friends, I warned you.
The words ‘I don’t want to go back to being friends’ fell out of your mouth so I told myself it was okay to continue falling. As if it was my choice anyway.
For you to turn to me a month or two later and tell me that after everything, after the intimacy, after the emotions, after the kisses on the nose, after the hand holding, after the hours of talking, after everything that we have been through together that we are ‘just good friends’ well, it broke me.
I let myself fall for you wildly, I let you so far in that I can’t shake you off, I let you so far in that it feels like there isn’t much of a me without you anymore. I KNOW that there is plenty of me in here and you merely touched the surface of it, but it feels as though you climbed inside every aspect of me so that everything I do makes me think of your stupid gorgeous grin.
From the moment I sat down on that bench with you and said ‘I love you’ I have felt nothing but humiliation for all of the months that I let myself blindly and stupidly fall for you, only for you to tell me that you just never felt it. I’m not sure that you still entirely understand the repercussions of what you did or those words, no matter how much I try to explain it to you.
You’ll awkwardly flinch and make a shit joke which I know is your way of trying to deal with the uncomfortable reality that you fucked up.
What pisses me off even more is that despite my anger and the humiliation and every ounce of negativity that I feel towards you, the moment I am anywhere near you I feel the safety of you.
I feel safe when I hear your voice and when I am wrapped up in your arms, I feel safe staring into that stupid happy face of yours. I feel happy in the hours that I spend with you, only to walk away and not understand how it is after all of this that you can say that you just don’t feel me at all.