• If

    by  • December 8, 2016 • 0 Comments

    I can’t answer all the what ifs but I probably still would have left my dad’s shop to work there. I worked at a sandwich shop when I lived up north for almost five years..it was just something I enjoyed and it kept my stomach filled with good food.

    It wasn’t until I started feeling like people looked down on me for working in food service that I started to concern myself with it not being enough.

    I found

    by  • December 8, 2016 • 0 Comments

    this website in the dying days of a similar website, grouphug. This guy I used to know showed me that one. I don’t recall if the gesture was intended as a way to communicate or if it was to show me something I could enjoy. I do remember the fright when things I read started hitting way too close to the real life situations for me to be completely comfortable saying it was all coincidental. I remember when some very heavy situations would come about, instead of really talking..There would just seemingly related bits posted there. I got addicted to trying to interpret it, even as the real world situations seemed to push me into increasingly precarious emotional situations.
    I’d tell him I just needed the friendship.
    He was someone who liked to test reactionary responses of the people around him, Myself included. I was very dull though you know, I don’t call it as I sees it when he confuses me with different women throughout the entirety of our knowing each other, I brush it off. I brush off the spiteful little jabs here and there. I figure I deserve them. That I have some debt I gotta pay.

    I’d tell myself I was fulfilling some divine contract, where if I could make it through that..good things would come from it. I don’t know where that idea came from…I mean I met some really cool people that are still in my life… teachers and whatnot.. but yeah.
    I had a lot of dreams around that time that would come true or relate in some way, but the ones in relation to that guy in general.. always involved being led somewhere and left behind, or being this person on the fringes of whatever he was doing. That was probably one of the worst of my delusions, that and the occasional gripping fear that I was going to get murdered.

    If there was a lesson in all that it was that just because I dream it and it comes true, doesn’t mean I have to follow it.

    Lost and confused

    by  • December 8, 2016 • 0 Comments

    Why does this feeling Return so easily every time?
    I try so hard to push it away. To focus on my family, and it works for a few weeks. But then I see something you wrote or you reach out in Some way and it all comes back rushing in.
    Feelings I didn’t even knew excisted start to fill me, and before I know my mind is consumed with thoughts of you.
    I start questioning my whole life, my happines and everything I ever thought I wanted, to come to the conclusion that the only thing I really want is to meet you.
    I want you! I don’t know why, I hardly know you. But something keeps on bringing me back to this feeling for you.
    I feel exhausted, trying to keep up this act of the happy woman who is very content with her situation.
    I’m not, I want to bail.
    I want to run, to you!
    It’s like my soul knows it’s happiness lies at the other side of the water and your soul is pulling me in. Like my soul knows that it will only feel safe with you.
    I try to do the good thing, to carry the consequences of the decissions I made and not let my children be the ones who hurt. I’ll suffer for them. I’ll suffer by not following my heart and choose you, by staying.
    I’m a good actor, they’ll never know I’m dieing inside. Nobody knows it but me!
    You’ll be remembered.

    Robot

    by  • December 8, 2016 • 0 Comments

    I’ve always claimed to feel things deeply. Because I did for those past years of my life. I felt it all so intensely I feared at times I would pass out, that I could not stand, that I’d fall so hard and not be able to stand back up from all the pain I would feel. It wasn’t just pain, though. It was love. I was so in love for four years. Consumed by it. I believe that throughout that time frame, that love I was doused in, it created the intense emotions in all aspects of my life. Because it became the only aspect. The source of everything.

    But having since leaving that place, and the person I loved, that intensity has left me. There is chaos everywhere, there is tragedy after tragedy. My world has changed. My life has become something I do not know. Everything has taken such a new turn, in a direction down a road I swear belongs to a dimension I never belonged in.

    But here I am, throughout these things. These things that would’ve before weighed so heavily on me, but now I feel nothing. I am numb. I am under the influence of a full body novocaine injection. I don’t know what I feel. I believe it is from all of the traumas, the intensity that I used to feel has left me dry. There is nothing left in me for me to feel anything at all.

    I miss it. I miss the awful state my world used to be in, but looks so easy now. Because at least she was there. At least I had that person who made my head spin with so much emotion that I thought I couldn’t bare it. It was an experience that rang me to my core, reached inside my being and made me forever anchored to that feeling. I lay awake at night, close my eyes, and beg my mind to take me back. To take me back to where I felt alive. To where the pain dug so deep into me that I could recognize contentment.

    Now, I don’t know whats going on. I don’t know whats next. I can’t even predict it if I try. With my ability to think things through, to analyze, to see, it has left me and I have never felt so blind or so left in the dark. I don’t know where I want to be. I don’t know where I am.

    All I know is I want to feel again. I want to feel something, anything, to bring me out of this fog. I tried to pull someone from my past back in. I tried to make myself feel something. I felt nothing, portrayed it as though I did, and was even rejected from that and now I’m back at square one. It was an attempt to feel pain, to feel love, to feel anything other then what I feel now.

    I am grateful for the rejection, for it gave me a burn. That in itself made it worth it. That day where I believed I felt love made it worth it. I could feel the feelings trying to break into my robotic outer armor. However fleeting, however faint.

    I have become a machine, an unfeeling robot. I never thought this would be me, I have become someone else entirely. Just when I thought I had become exactly who I was, I change even more. It is never ending. My gift yet curse of strong emotions has left me, and I’m so lost.

    I am travelling alone, trying to find a safe haven, a part of this world that I actually belong in. I am half in and half out, trying to find the right door.

    I will take back my rightful place on this earth, and I will not stop fighting to get there.

    Christine…

    by  • December 8, 2016 • 0 Comments

    Ms. Christine DaaƩ

    It’s been a while hasn’t it? A while since our last conversation as friends, as muses to each other. I won’t deny that I miss those, and I miss them greatly… I have made so many things since we parted on October 28th, since you no longer saw me as your Angel of Music, not even a friend.

    I wonder how do you fare these days, but I hope wherever you are, you are doing better, enjoying what life has to offer to you. Forgive me for how… emotional I acted, that was uncalled for on my part, but like I have stated in my previous letter, I genuinely loved you and hated the fact that this, this (excuse my French) bitch just had to cause this rift. However, I won’t deny it was all my fault to be so overwhelming and completely explosive.

    I sincerely thought for the longest amount of time I would never get over you. But now I did, and I will acknowledge as well how much of a, what’s the word for it, aggressive, angry person I had been shortly after our separation, how desperate I had been to see you back. But mistake not that I want to try that again… it’s all up to you if you wish to return, for I still will respect your decisions.

    You know, shortly after our separation, I turned my attention back onto my work, my work which you once so loved before you turned around and cursed it. Yes, indeed it is my obsession, my meaning in my life as a writer at this point… so might I point out a area just for a moment please?

    On the slim, slim possibility that you would read this, I only ask, did you not notice how SHE too was forcing the same character upon everyone else? I simply wished to chat about my work, to discuss it and come up with scenarios, while SHE insisted that her character had to be in EVERYTHING, and HAD to hold some importance. If she did not get her way, she accuses of pushing her away.

    All I ask is for you to simply consider this.

    But I doubt if any of this mattered to you, since you’ve declared we are now essentially strangers. You singing your songs, and I with my Don Juan Triumphant and the following up pieces that I have recently started composing. I still imagine I could hear you sing to me, you know, when you were my Angel of Music and I was the voice behind the mirror, or more precisely, the voice behind the screen.

    The pain had dulled down to a faint sting whenever I think of you now.

    It’s like the song of the real Christine: “Recall those days, look back on all those times… Think of the things we would never do…”

    There were so many things we promised to each other to do in real life, when we weren’t given the roles of the Phantom and Christine. I still remember how excited I was, taking up art at your urging, wanting to improve throughout the year under your tutelage. I remember still how we promised we would have the best of times if we ran into each other outside of the Internet.

    Can you understand my anger now…? I hated her not for who she is, but for what she had DONE to me. I cursed her because of this, not because of anything else, but because she drove that wedge between us, leaving so many things undone.

    And now that I have finished my rant, I hope you have a good day/night… wherever you are.

    -O.G (Erik)