• Argh… you make me want to be a pirate!

    by  • May 21, 2013 • 0 Comments

    Actually you make me want to
    fucking scream and shout!
    Truly Love I swear can’t you
    see what this is really all about?

    An obsessive lust fueled in hand
    by pure and natural human desire.
    There’s nothing man-made that can
    ever take us to a place that’s higher.
    It ignites our heart, our mind,
    and our souls into an endless raging fire.

    Just at last this simple need to know
    what might very possibly come to be.
    If you and I together all alone,
    we could finally become inhibition free.

    ~~~*

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    A church of costumes and hiding places isn’t a place I want to be.

    by  • May 21, 2013 • 1 Comment

    http://LettersIllNeverSend.com/submit-an-anonymous-letter/

    This is who I really am: I am not an issue. I am a follower of Jesus. I love my husband like you love your husband. Sometimes I daydream during church, which I feel especially guilty about now that I am an elder. I am afraid to go to India because I don’t know if I am man enough to handle that much poverty in my face. I like to load the washer, but I’m terrible at unloading the dryer. I am really judgmental. I use the F-word a little too much. Sometimes, if I find a very old French fry, I will be tempted to eat it. (I will neither confirm nor deny that I ever have.) I love the Bible, and I believe that sin is a real thing, but I wish I understood better what God meant by it. I went to a Taylor Swift concert last week—for my job—and enjoyed it more than I’d like to admit. I need a good editor.

    And who are you? Maybe you laugh too loudly. Or you cry too much. You love, even though you’re not always sure how to show it. You belch when you think nobody is listening. You love justice, but you’re not always sure what it looks like. You question your pastor. You watch too much Honey Boo Boo (which is to say, you watch it at all). You lie awake in bed some nights wondering whether God is as real as you want Him to be. You eat too many meals in your car. You say, “Bless her heart,” when you have no intention of blessing any part of her.

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    Diana

    by  • May 21, 2013 • 5 Comments

    Since little emotions are incredibly intense, big emotions are even more fucking intense. I dissociate under stress, which means that everything stops feeling real to me; I’m lucky, because at least I don’t have severe paranoia or psychosis. On the other hand, when nothing is happening to make me feel anything, it all feels kind of sad and empty compared to the big feelings that I normally have. That’s another reason I get impulsive: anything to feel.

    Like a lot of borderlines, I’m bad at the concept that people still exist when they’re not in contact with me. I forget people when they’re not around. If I have things that belong to someone, I can remember them, which is why I tend to collect presents that people I love have given me.

    I’m manipulative, sometimes, like a lot of borderlines. I need attention and validation; if I’m not reassured often that someone likes me, I’ll tend to conclude that they hate me.I test people a lot. Do you say hi to me if I don’t say hi first? Do you notice if I look sad and ask if something’s wrong?

    So if you say that people with BPD are empathyless abusers who are incapable of love, you are saying that to me. I will delete your comment and then I will probably go cry because Jesus, people.

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    emotional maturity

    by  • May 21, 2013 • 0 Comments

    You see, emotions are in fact internal signals that are there to let you know there is a situation which may need attention in your life. A person who possesses emotional intelligence (ie. is emotionally mature) will heed this signal and then self soothe and regain their composure without needing anyone else to help them and then later figure out what this emotion is signaling, and what might need to be done.

    If action is needed, it should not be decided on in the heat of the moment. To best understand this, imagine that you in fact have two brains and the one that gets switched on when you are emotional (your amygdala) doesn’t make the same quality of decisions that your other brain (your upper cortex) does. Now also understand that it’s very hard to access information from both of these brains at once.

    So anger does not mean that you will need to hit or yell at someone (to stop being taken advantage of), as your emotional brain may be telling you, instead it could mean that a real boundary needs to be set. For example, if your partner spending your money (without asking) is what angered you – the action needed may be you denying them future access to your bank account.

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    May 20, 2013

    by  • May 21, 2013 • 0 Comments

    May 20 2013, I lost everything that’s made me happy. The boy that saved me from making a very large decision marking my life, that gave me a reason to get out of bed everyday and smile, that made me get butterflies each time i’d see him, for 546 days, the first boy I’ve ever loved. He walked out of my life today, because things aren’t the same as they used to be. We argued more, we treated each other differently, and he can’t figure out why. I’m emotionally unstable, and insecure about losing something- i already lost.. When I hear his voice, see his face, feel his touch, I can’t not hide my face to keep from seeing the tears that run down my cheeks. “I will always love you, and I will always be there for you” he says, and it’s hard because it’s not the same anymore. I can’t intertwine my fingers with his when I want to feel secure, I can’t hug him when I want to feel comforted, I can’t kiss his lip when I want his affection. I feel like a literal speckle in the earths big old shit. I feel so empty, as if my whole body crashed down on me. Ever cry so much you can’t cry anymore? May 20, 2013. I’ve been in bed all day long, praying and wishing that this would all go back to normal. I’ve never been so scared before, I’m so scared that I won’t happy again, at least until I find another reason for happiness. Without him, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be who I am today without him. He gave me reasons to look forward to everyday, to smile. I can’t give a full essay on how much he is to me, or why anything else has happened because it’d take five sets of hands to explain it. I’m just so damn lost, and I feel so helpless. I just want to be held by him, listening to his heartbeat, knowing that everything is okay. No matter what we’ve been through together, he will always be my knight in shinning armor. He’s my best friend, my partner in crime, my happiness, my trophy, my prince. I love him, and that’s how it always will be. Throughout everything that we have been through, we will find each other again. I promise.

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    time has passed but we are frozen

    by  • May 20, 2013 • 1 Comment

    How did we end up where we are? We are frozen in time at the moment when we had so much to look forward to and nothing to lose. We have been on this path for several years but it feels like we have not even moved one step forward.

    Our lives have changed so drastically in the last 4 years that I am not sure how we are still dancing around the issues that are present. There are times when I think we have made progress on these issues and other times when I feel like we are at square one again.

    You have gotten your way, him and I are no longer together. You always had an issue with it and your reasons were not valid. There was absolutely no reason for you to have a say in a relationship that you were not a part of (no matter how much you thought you were). The connection that bound us was no longer there and had not been present for three years. I am sorry that I could not do what you expected when it came to that but there are somethings that are in Gods hands and not ours. There was a reason why we could not be bound by that any longer and it is one matter we may never understand the reason for which it occurred.

    You are on the other side of the country right now yet you are the only one I think about. No matter what is occurring on any given day I want to share it with you. You are insane, annoying, outlandish, loving, trustworthy, demanding, fun loving, but above all you are the one who balances me out. We both know how I can be at times and you understand that, you know how I function.

    I love you yet I know that we cannot be together, so much has occurred but we are frozen in time. we try to forget the past but it is something that cannot be forgotten or changed. it struck me even more this week when I was talking to my sister about her recent breakup. Hearts have the ability to heal but they do not have the ability to forget.

    I have healed from our heartache but the scares are still there. They have become battle wounds at this point, they have altered the manner in which I handle pain and lose. It was difficult to not tell her everything about us because it would have helped her but it would have also forced me to face everything. Our fights were ones that only we could solve about topics and issues only we knew about but they brought us together, they made us stronger. I would not change the hurt and the pain for anything because it has brought us to where we are now. Although we may not be together in the manner we had hoped you will always be in my life and this is a comfort beyond words. You know me better than most but at one time all that meant was that you knew how to hurt me more than most.

    I love you and I love the life we planned, the life we will never live and the family we will not be able to build. We may try to create a new version of life or our future but it will never be the one we originally intended. The past has occurred, the present is here and the future has yet to be written. The past we have was amazing, our present is lacking and our future is unknown. The only think I can say about the future is that I hope you are involved in mine in some manner because you make my life more interesting and this is usually for the better.

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