no more i promise. i’ll battle my demons!
no more i promise. i’ll battle my demons!
I remember when we were best friends. Back when we’d talk for hours and never feel tired. Many times we have fought but we have always gotten back together. Without you I can not function. I need you in my life. Why don’t you love me anymore? You used to tell me that you love me. Now, it seems you hate me. Weeks ago you spoke to me and told me I’d done you wrong. What did I do my love? I do not know my mistake. Please forgive me for all I have done and come back to me. I want us to be close again, I want to feel you still care. I can not do this without you. You are the only one that I want. Please come back to me. Do not go away forever. I need you here with me. They say if you love someone let them go and if they come back they are your’s forever. However, I can’t help but let you go and I do not think you’re coming back. I just want to hear your voice. I just want to see your warm smile. I need to hear your laugh and I need to know you are not going to disappear forever. I want to have you for my whole life. I know that you can’t return my love…..but I just want to atleast be your friend. I’ve know you since 2008. I want to be with you for all of my life. I realize you love her, but I know that you have pain inside of you. I know that somewhere deep inside you miss me as much as I miss you. If I am wrong may God heal my mind of thinking such things. Am I a fool for loving you or am I fool for allowing you to slip away. A friendship once so true that nobody could ever get in and rob us of it. Have you forgotten what we once shared? My mom loved you and you claimed to love my family. When I was him I was forced to let you go. Now you are with her so you are giving me the same pain I gave you. My love, this isn’t fair. We could still be friends. I always came back to you, but now that it is on the other side of the fence…..you decided to hurt me. You won’t come back to me no matter how hard I try. After a year you finally ended the silence. However, not on your own but because I provoked you to do so. You do not talk to me willingly and you say you will but you never fulfill those words. You said “I will come talk to you soon”. However, my love I wait and wait only in vain. I have done so much for you but you do not remember it. I try to make you happy but you do not even care. I only want your happiness even if it is not with me. But a dream come is if I were with you. Please I want to talk to you just one time. I want to tell you why I did everything I did. I want you to trust me that I love you. Please just give me one last chance to prove my love to you. I know that I can be the one who makes you happy. If only you’ll come back to me my love. Oh, how I have miss you…..oh how I want to be with you my love.
Hey, you met me at a really weird time. I’m really sorry, I was so attention seeking and full on with you. it was really unattractive. I was just so overwhelmed with uni and work and living arrangements etc… you came along at the peak of everything when all i wanted was comfort from someone. All i did was text you and whine about all my stupid life dramas of me losing shit, missing flights, demanding u come over and insisting u be my friend. Then overreacted when u changed your mind bout me, i just felt like i was failing at life in generally, couldn’t handle it. i don’t know what happened, i’m really glad u lost interest in though, cause it was a massive massive wake up call.
You don’t need to tell me to let it go, cause it’s not really about that, i’m way past that needy headspace and aren’t contacting you cause i want some guy to make me happy, i’m really good now. It’s just that before all my desperado bs (that started pretty much straight away)… it was really cool, you were super into music, and had good taste in stuff, i found it attractive. And we both have the same chill carefree personality. I know you think i’m the biggest loser in the world, but i’m actually really cool, and if you wanted to get to know what i’m like normally, that would be even cooler. Although i’m pretty sure my chances are ZERO, and i dug my self into a pretty huge hole with my behaviour, but just think about it.
I have this emptiness which is now filling me, it’s taking over. I was fine, I had convinced myself that you were not worth my time, not worth my love, not worth my tears, I was there… I told you how I have felt all of these years, how I have loved you, how I have endured your need to be free of commitment and allowed you that. How I have waited, stupidly, for you to realize that you do love me. Now, however, I find myself breaking down, crying every day, perhaps in realizing, just what I had wasted on you, all of my time all of my heart and everything in between. I feel this crushing feeling throughout my body, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to live at all. Maybe I just need to allow these feelings to wash over me for now, in order to release all of this negativity. I hate that I feel this way, because, I didn’t want to allow you to cause me anymore pain, to be the reason that I am crying, to be anything to me at all ever again. This is a pointless letter, as I have poured my heart and soul out to you on multiple occasions. With nothing in return from you. I was such a fool.
Maybe, it’s because I am lonely, I have no one else.
Maybe, because I can’t get over the fact that you don’t love me.
I want you to hurt like I have been hurting, I want you to understand how I feel… But you, just get to go on..carelessly… painlessly.. as you always have…
I spend sleepless nights thinking about it, while you, snore contently…
I had a feeling that was coming. Too soon?
Does it scare you what our future holds?
I’ve written for you,
So many small words and thoughts.
On sticky notes,
And on erased texts on my phone.
On the sides of my fingers with black ink pens…
I always wash them off later.
Vulnerability never was my strong suite.
You make me experience,
The best beauty felt in the world.
It is sought after.
It would be paid for.
You should bottle your charm…
That intense breath you hold before a first, extremely wanted kiss comes.
The unbearable delight of strangers skins introducing themselves.
The ache in your chest when your heart’s so full it’s terrified of enduring emptiness.
The deranged “I’m so alive and happy I want to scream from my car window while playing annoying yet addictive dance music at an embarassing level of volume” and grinning because fuck it, you’re in love.
I miss all those feelings you gave me.
But I miss you the most…
I love you… But you knew that, and yet you left me. You went on with your life with nothing more than an “I’m sorry.” Now I wander around lost. You will probably make the argument that I have moved because i started seeing other guys… but they aren’t you. None of them will ever be you. I lay awake at night and think about that time in the car as you passed me a bowl and we locked eyes. The tension and the spark in that one glance was enough to make me fall for you again. You probably didn’t feel it though. you don’t feel anything anymore. You say you love her. You don’t. You can’t love, because if you could you would have loved me. You even told me once you loved me. So why would you flirt with me and laugh with me in the winter. Glance at me in the hallway. Smile when drunken jokes would fall out of my mouth at summer bonfires. You drive me crazy yet I love you still. When you left me you never told me why. You said the timing wasn’t right… What is that supposed to mean. You wanted to be my first and you fought to protect my virginity, its gone now… but you know that. Did it hurt you to find that out? All I want to know is that why even though you know all of this, you won’t talk to me anymore, laugh with me anymore, or be my best friend anymore. Answer me this… Did you ever really love me or was i living in a dream?