How did we end up where we are? We are frozen in time at the moment when we had so much to look forward to and nothing to lose. We have been on this path for several years but it feels like we have not even moved one step forward.
Our lives have changed so drastically in the last 4 years that I am not sure how we are still dancing around the issues that are present. There are times when I think we have made progress on these issues and other times when I feel like we are at square one again.
You have gotten your way, him and I are no longer together. You always had an issue with it and your reasons were not valid. There was absolutely no reason for you to have a say in a relationship that you were not a part of (no matter how much you thought you were). The connection that bound us was no longer there and had not been present for three years. I am sorry that I could not do what you expected when it came to that but there are somethings that are in Gods hands and not ours. There was a reason why we could not be bound by that any longer and it is one matter we may never understand the reason for which it occurred.
You are on the other side of the country right now yet you are the only one I think about. No matter what is occurring on any given day I want to share it with you. You are insane, annoying, outlandish, loving, trustworthy, demanding, fun loving, but above all you are the one who balances me out. We both know how I can be at times and you understand that, you know how I function.
I love you yet I know that we cannot be together, so much has occurred but we are frozen in time. we try to forget the past but it is something that cannot be forgotten or changed. it struck me even more this week when I was talking to my sister about her recent breakup. Hearts have the ability to heal but they do not have the ability to forget.
I have healed from our heartache but the scares are still there. They have become battle wounds at this point, they have altered the manner in which I handle pain and lose. It was difficult to not tell her everything about us because it would have helped her but it would have also forced me to face everything. Our fights were ones that only we could solve about topics and issues only we knew about but they brought us together, they made us stronger. I would not change the hurt and the pain for anything because it has brought us to where we are now. Although we may not be together in the manner we had hoped you will always be in my life and this is a comfort beyond words. You know me better than most but at one time all that meant was that you knew how to hurt me more than most.
I love you and I love the life we planned, the life we will never live and the family we will not be able to build. We may try to create a new version of life or our future but it will never be the one we originally intended. The past has occurred, the present is here and the future has yet to be written. The past we have was amazing, our present is lacking and our future is unknown. The only think I can say about the future is that I hope you are involved in mine in some manner because you make my life more interesting and this is usually for the better.