• the way I love you

    by  • February 27, 2010 • 4 Comments

    The day you were born was simply amazing. I actually saw the whole thing, and being a good farm boy, it was not the first time I had seen the visceral reality of a live birth, but never had I experienced such emotion! Love, fear, hope, humility.

    They handed you to me, swaddled in a little pink blanket. Your mother lay off to the side, overcome by exhaustion both physical and emotional. You cried, and my first instinct was to calm you, to be there for you, this part of me, my heart, my very soul, laying before me in my hands.

    Never had I held any person, any thing with such tender love. Empty, parched parts of my heart filled with a quenching love. It was as if my heart had never known love, and honestly it hadn’t – not of this kind. This was a selfless love, the kind of love that would make a man step in front of a charging bear to protect someone he loved more than himself.

    In a blink, promises poured overflowing from my heart – all those promises a father makes to his child, to always protect, love, and cherish, you, to be a better man for you, such a dear sweet gift from God. And in the next instant came the fear, the reality that my beloved child can never be fully protected, can never be totally nurtured, can never be perfectly loved in such a dangerous, cruel, unforgiving world.

    I thought of my parents and realized how much they had sacrificed for me. I forgave them their mistakes, and I hoped that I might be nearly as good as a parent. In some ways I promised to be better. I knew I could be better.

    Now, nearly two decades later, I realize that far too many of those promises have been broken, that our very relationship has been broken, and still I try to mend it.

    But it seems our relationship is like some exquisite piece of crystal that has been reduced to bits of glass, and the more I try to fix it, the more it seems to hurt me.

    I never meant to abandon you, though I know this is how you must feel. I never meant to make you choose between me and your mother, my ex-wife. My hopes for us remain modest, that I might be part of your life, a contributing part because after all, you are part of me and I am part of you.

    I live with the everyday pain that I have failed you. This pain fills the empty void caused by our separation. I have eased this pain by allowing others in my life,and I have given them my love. But always there is this gnawing feeling, a longing. For as much as I love others, there is only one person whom I can love the way I love you.

    Dad, I love you

    by  • February 27, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dad,

    I want to know why you didn’t love me. Sure, you said it, but you didn’t act it. You hit me when I didn’t do anything wrong. You yelled at me when I didn’t do anything wrong. You said mean things all the time, like a picture I coloured was ugly, or an art project idea I had was stupid. You even called me a bitch once because I was constantly breaking up fights between my brothers and “bossing them around,” but you denied it when I called you out.

    You were always drunk or high and parked in front of the television. Mom took us almost every weekend to her sister’s house for a long time, so we wouldn’t have to be around you and deal with your madness
    in the mornings.

    I know that being in the war really screwed you up and you probably had some mental or emotional problems regardless, but I loved you and you hurt me. Now you’re gone and I can’t even begin to figure out how
    to deal.

    I love you, and it hurts. I think it always has. Why couldn’t you just love me?

    Hey Technology Dude…

    by  • February 27, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I know this may come as a big surprise…but I don’t understand a word you say to me. I ask you to use little words and talk to me like you would talk to a third grader. Well, Hell’s bells…you must hang out with some very smart third graders cuz I STILL don’t understand what you’re saying. You know the parents in the Peanuts cartoons? Remember them? “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…” Yeah, that’s what I hear. So I’ll just nod and smile.

    A prelude to a letter I WILL send

    by  • February 27, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Well it took about a month but you finally sent me your email requesting money for the car insurance. Don’t be waiting by the mailbox cuz I won’t be sending you a dime. I’m done paying for shit that I can not afford and I wont be reading your next letter that will be chockful of that catholic guilt that you spread with a trowel. The document that you will be quoting is a sham and I await your legal action so I can prove it. I dream of the day that we no longer have to speak since there is nothing you have to say that I need to hear. Rot in hell, Eva Braun.

    i wish you felt the same…

    by  • February 27, 2010 • 0 Comments

    over the years i have grown close to you, as you have me. we have gone through some fun and crazy times. over the years we have moved past a friendship into something more. when the time came for me to tell you how i truly felt about you, you shrugged it off and said that you wouldn’t/couldn’t be committed or even reply with the 3 word phrase that i had started our conversation with. you said that you had no time nor will to let yourself be with me or anyone else. this was ok at first. but as time went on and my feelings grew and as i made them known to you, you have been indifferent. so now it is to the point where it kills me to be with you and know that you will not let yourself be with me. you know how i feel, and i know that you feel something for me. you prove it to me every time we are together. but the 3 words that i need to hear, i fear, will never be said. as much as i hate this situation i just want you to know that i love you no matter what.

    I’m scared for you..

    by  • February 27, 2010 • 1 Comment

    I am. I’m scared that something really bad might happen. But secretly I’m excited that something might finally change and I’ll be able to get out.