• Mistake

    by  • March 6, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Every time I see you, I’m reminded of the several times that I’ve
    opened up to you about my feelings for you. Each time you turned into
    a brickwall. That made me feel like shit. I hope you’re happy.
    Oops-you have depression, so you’re not. I hope that at some point
    before we graduate you become aware of and ACKNOWLEDGE how you made,
    no, make me feel.
    I would say “Fuck you”, but that’s not the appropriate phrase. . . nor
    is “I forgive you”.
    Here’s to happiness.

    To Jacks who think they know me

    by  • March 6, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dear Jacks,

    You think you know me but you dont. When you say you think I’m weird
    you may mean it but that dont make it true. While I may be depressed
    that doesnt mean I’m stupid or a freak. So I’m unhappy with my life, my
    friends, my family. It’s not your buisness, you can say what you will. You
    dont know me not even at all.

    Hateyoumuch,
    Hazel.

    How am I supposed to feel right now?

    by  • March 6, 2010 • 0 Comments

    You bullshit me daily about “depression” and feeling sad and lonely and all I see is a human being who is functioning fine without me. Damn, I’m sorry I had any wine today. It makes me yearn…but if you were here right now I can’t say that I’d rushing into your arms and burying my lips upon yours. More than likely I would look at you in irritation and bitterness. Wanting to scream at you, “How could you give up our family, you stupid fuck!” Because you really are a stupid fuck…or, maybe I am. I believed every God Damned thing you said…and I must be a certifiable nutbat. I mean, your words were empty. Day after day you would make these promises and tell me these things about your feelings and your love and your wants and desires…and I guess, most of all, about your SATISFACTION. You were SATISFIED with me. But hello! I wasn’t satisfied. And you know what??? I’m easily satisfied. I’m SO easy. I never pushed or pulled…and all of my snooping ended after the last time. I guess that was traded for suspicion and contempt. Instead of looking for the infidelities I was satisifed being convinced of your indescretions. But, screw it. A dick is easy to find. A talented dick a little more difficult. And a talented tongue that can make you forget a dick…almost impossible. But I have my new boyfriend that takes AA batteries and it’s just going to have to be good enough. Because you know what, it never fucks me over unless I want it to. I can’t tell you how attractive that is to me. I push the buttons (or lever) and I control my pleasure and my pain. You are gone. Your last fuck was fucked…so fuck you…never again.

    Hope you enjoyed the chat

    by  • March 5, 2010 • 0 Comments

    So I don’t know when you were talking and when your friend was but I
    would recommend, once you are sober, to make sure your friends don’t
    have access to your facebook so i don’t end up having a very …
    interesting conversation with the wrong person. If you said some of
    those things and then they came back after you then I’m flattered from
    what you said, even if you spelled half of it wrong. But yea, I’d
    prefer not finding out towards the end of a conversation that your 33
    year old friend is continuing the previous conversation. Hope you have
    a hangover tomorrow.

    Enjoy having asses for friends,
    unsuspecting victim of drunken fb chatting

    I don’t f-ing get it

    by  • March 5, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I don’t f-ing get it. I know girls who are in wonderful relationships.
    They have the men of their dreams and the take them for granted. Take
    girl A for example. She is engaged and yet is leading a poor suitor
    on. Seriously?!?!? One is not enough for you? You ungrateful bitch. Do
    you know how badly I want just ONE significant other?

    I will never understand.

    To a dear friend

    by  • March 5, 2010 • 0 Comments

    To my dear friend,

    It’s been a year and half since you died, and I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Nor, have I stopped feeling guilty.

    You and I had an interesting relationship. We were teammates, friends, friends fighting over a boy, and eventually drifted apart the month or two before you passed. You were intimidating, confident, tall and beautiful and stole the heart of my ex only months after we had broken up. Even though I ended up going to prom with him, I was always scared of your relationship. Because of him, we hated each other.

    But, we were also friends because you saved me and brought me back to life in the moments where I felt like dying. You showed me that there was a life out of high school that didn’t involve rules or perfection. You helped me realize I was human. And that being human involved having faults, even those like OCD or anxiety. Even more importantly, you cared about me and let me be human. You gave me an example in which to inspire to….I wanted to be confident, blunt and daring just like you. Your world terrified me, but also left me in awe and craving for more.

    But then, I let us drift apart after graduation and didn’t keep in touch due to your impending relationship or fling with my ex. While he and I never announced it, we were still somewhat together and it was so hard for me to try and be ok with what was going on. I stood you up at your graduation party, and I’m sorry. I didn’t keep in touch and left you to dry in the wind.

    Before going to college, I tried to make amends. I still remember writing on your wall the day before my birthday saying we should hang out, and the snide comment you wrote back. On some levels I really did deserve that. But, I didn’t get to apologize, make it up to you or tell you how I really felt because the day after I turned 19 you had died.

    I’ve never told anyone and have really dealt with my feelings since then until now. I want to visit your grave, but I’ve always been to ashamed to.

    So my friend, as much as we loved and hated each other, I love and miss you very much. Your love for the band OneRepublic still lives on in me, and I’m often reminded of you and the illicit times we times spent in my car listening to them. Your love and zest for life lives on in me, your confidence and the fact that you were adored by everyone still lives on in my mind. I strive to be like you, to be the human you told me I could be. Because of you, I realized that life is worth living.

    I think about you a lot, especially now. I hope that somewhere in the cosmos you can see my confession and know that your legacy lives on. I hope that you know that I’m so, so sorry for everything. I hope that one day, you’ll forgive me.

    I wish I could get one last bear hug from you.
    Love you girl,

    your friend on earth.