• this should be an easy one

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    i tried telling you once that you should stop what you’re doing to yourself. i just don’t understand how you can’t see that this is becoming a problem. whenever i try to bring up this OBVIOUS problem, you never fail to mention how badly your best friend suffers from the same addiction, or how doped up so-and-so was at the party last night. you don’t shoot dope, therefore you really have no justified way of comparing the two.

    stop snorting pain killers. if you don’t, i will not hesitate to leave you. and i will feel no sympathy for you when your liver is shot to hell at the age of 30 and you’re in the hospital bleeding out your asshole. listen i know addiction is a disease but YOU ARE A SMART GUY.

    it’s not too late for you to stop without getting professional help so god damnit, just stop. i refuse to be with anyone remotely like my father — an addict as well. sweat it out, for christ’s sake. stop talking to your addict friends who are obviously much more fucked than you are because they will never benefit you in any way. i love you babe, and i’m sorry to say this but.. you can’t even get your dick hard.

    come on. this should be an easy one…

    Oh I Wish

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Hi,

    You are the one, you were the one, and I honestly don’t know when or if you will ever not be “it”. You were the first person I’ve ever loved, and though our relationship had quite a few rough circumstances, I would never wish it to be different.

    Objectively, most people would never call what we had a relationship because it was secret, because we weren’t constantly together. As a matter of fact, we were apart, a thousand miles apart, for almost the whole time we were together. It’s funny to think that I saw you only a handful of times over those six months.

    But we knew better than to identify what we had to the rest of the world because we were happy. That’s all that mattered was that each of us was happy with ourself and with the other person. When we were together, it was like we had been together forever, like we didn’t live so far apart and that our friends and ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends didn’t matter. I can’t believe that we made ourselves so blind with love that we pushed the truth out until we could do nothing but break up.

    Of course we both knew that we would never last. Of course we wanted to last, but we knew, and for me it was very deep down, that we would not work out. Not in this place in our lives, not in this town or in this time. It’s funny, we could be called “star-crossed lovers” as cheesy as that is. Your ex used to be one of my best friends…and now we don’t talk because of the wedge I’ve pushed between me and her. I don’t even care that dating you and loving you would hurt her. I came to terms with that and accepted it. I waited and hoped for the day when I had to sit down and tell her what was going on in my life, but it still hasn’t come. And it might never come.

    My ex is still your best friend, and a friend of mine. We kept such a huge secret from them for so long. All I wanted was to be truthful with all of our friends, and be together. I always thought you’d eventually come around and see it my way. The problem is, you never did. What I wish, more than anything, is that I was worth pain, that I was worth how much we would have to go through for us to really, honestly be together. Surprisingly, long distance was easy for me. The short time of the year when we live close together was the hardest part.

    It’s kind of sad, how much faith I had in you. I trusted you with everything I had. I trusted that you would take responsibility for your choices, and take responsibility for being with me, but instead of doing that you ran away. You have a busier life than most people I know, and that was a factor in why we never saw each other, and eventually why we broke up, but I feel like there was a part of you that just didn’t want to deal with the secrets anymore, and because of that you took the easy way out, the way that would hurt me the most.

    I really thought that come the fall, I’d be visiting you at school and we’d be back to normal, even though this summer didn’t go as planned. I thought that we had an amazing future together. We were good at being together, good at every aspect of it. We could have done so much, and gone to those places we talked about like California and Disney World. We could have had a future if you hadn’t broken my trust.

    I’ve never been the person to live in “what if’s” but I can’t seem to get out of that state of mind now. You gave me too much hope for the future. You told me, when we had that final talk, that we could work out next summer or next semester or in the future, and those stupid words you said gave me hope that I can’t help but cling to now. It’s pathetic.

    But no matter how pathetic this is, that I’m writing you a letter you’ll never see, i still can’t stop loving you or thinking you are an amazing person or wanting you. I have really good days where I live in the moment, but then I have terrible days when all I can think about is how much your decision has hurt me. I wish I could trust you again and that we could be together still. I’m not ready to let you go. Part of me wants you to see this, so maybe we can talk again. The other part of me is embarrassed I wrote this.

    I wish I could take some of the advice that I hand out to all those around me. I wish I listened to reason, so that I wouldn’t be sitting here crying, wishing more than anything that you would talk to me again.

    I still love you.

    Understanding my Mistakes

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I remember meeting you for the first time earlier this year and from that moment on I knew I wanted you to somehow be in my life. Even though we didn’t reconnect until April, you were what I was waiting for.

    You treated me so well and I know you cared. I cared so much too but at the same time I was afraid of being hurt. I knew you had just broke up with your girlfriend so I didn’t want to be the rebound girl. You cared and I was too blind to see that. I took for granted how nicely you treated me because I didn’t realize it at the time. The short couple of month we spent together made were some of the best months of my life. I remember the food you made me and the songs on the guitar you played me. All this time I wanted to fall for you but I was scared. Scared that you would just end things because I was different. You didn’t and I am such a fool for not letting myself trust you as easily.

    I still remember the night, really one of the worst nights of my life, that things ended between us. It was my fault. Even though you hooked up with that girl when I was gone I shouldn’t have done the same. I was literally not myself that night. I would do anything to go back and take that night back. I think about it everyday and I really miss you. I cried every night that week before school ended. You told me I was immature and I realized that I was. I’ve made more mistakes that you have found out about and I know that you do not care about me anymore and it kills me inside.

    It kills me that I care so much about you still and you probably never think about me at all. I want you to know that I started liking certain things because it reminds me of you, even though it hurts. I miss you and I fantasize in my head of what we would be like together still if I didn’t make that one mistake.

    I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but it’s hard not to be when I think about you constantly. I have dreams that we get back together and you care for me the way you once did.

    I want you to know that I am changing myself to become a better person, not just for you but for myself.

    My hope is that one day we talk again and that I can explain to you everything but at the same time you understand.

    I don’t expect you to take me back but I just don’t want you to hate me.

    I’m so upset at myself because I did not realize how good you treated me until I got treated like shit from other guys.

    I want you to know I miss you, but I need to get over you.

    I hope this helps me change myself and get over you.

    You.

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dear You,

    You wouldn’t believe the things we should’ve done. They float around in my brain, waiting for me to take action. Late, the ideas float into my brain, but I struggle at how to build them.

    I can’t fall in love.

    I’ve tried once, but the ideas floated in my head. I’m left with what once was, and with you I want what will be. But, still thoughts refuse to be released, something holds them back. I am scared to fight it, this Something. It’s what scares me the most.

    I can’t fall in love.

    He also frightened me, with his quietness, his cheekbones, his long hair, his dark eyes and his eyelashes. He enchanted me. Your hands fascinate me, and your earrings. Your smile and your eyes. The way the guitar plays those songs so damn good. The way you weren’t afraid of him, but I wanted one thing more than the other. And now the other is slipping away.

    I can’t fall in love.
    But I Keep Trying.

    Sincerely, Me.

    you’re great

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    i am really so happy about the way things turned out. i know i wasn’t very nice to you when i discovered your interest in me.. and i know it went on for about 6 months but hey, i’m totally out of denial. i’m honestly lucky to have someone as genuine as you in my life. you totally accept me for the insanely flawed person i am, but you make me feel good about myself in almost every way. knowing that someone cares about me the way you do is a comfort and a relief, mainly because i feel the same way and it feels wonderful. it’s kind of funny that i’m writing this because we really just got together not too long ago, but i am so sure of how i feel.. mostly because i’ve felt this way for quite some time. when i first started writing this i intended on making it short and sweet and to the point but i really couldn’t think of any brief way to describe my feelings. besides telling you how much i love you. and i do.. i really love you. in every possible way that i can, i love you.

    love,
    your dude.. but not really anymore

    You.

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Hey.

    I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess it’s cause part of me wants to let go and another part of me wants this to reach out to you in some way. I can’t stop thinking about you.. there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what you are doing, thinking, or if I cross your mind at all. It kills me hearing you talk about the girl you can’t get out of your head. I only wish that girl was me. I don’t know how you got me to fall for you but it happened. I guess it just happened at different times for us because I know that you had a thing for me at one point.. I just wish you would’ve done something about it. Or maybe that I would’ve.

    Sometimes I believe I am over you but the truth is that I will unexpectedly break down and cry because I miss your words and the way you used to be with me. I sit and wonder what happened between us and what we did wrong.. or if we did nothing wrong and we just weren’t meant to be. But then why am I up at night thinking about you months after this? I can’t figure it out. At this point I just want to forget you because it is killing me inside. I don’t want to hurt anymore.

    I think about just ignoring your calls but then I think that you need me as a friend.. maybe someday you will realize that I was there for you and perhaps.. change? A silly wish. But it keeps me going. I know I will probably never have you.. and if this does get to you I hope to God you don’t think of me as something awful.. I just fell in love with you. I do hope you are happy in everything you do and I only wish you the good things in life.

    Love always,

    Me.