over the years i have grown close to you, as you have me. we have gone through some fun and crazy times. over the years we have moved past a friendship into something more. when the time came for me to tell you how i truly felt about you, you shrugged it off and said that you wouldn’t/couldn’t be committed or even reply with the 3 word phrase that i had started our conversation with. you said that you had no time nor will to let yourself be with me or anyone else. this was ok at first. but as time went on and my feelings grew and as i made them known to you, you have been indifferent. so now it is to the point where it kills me to be with you and know that you will not let yourself be with me. you know how i feel, and i know that you feel something for me. you prove it to me every time we are together. but the 3 words that i need to hear, i fear, will never be said. as much as i hate this situation i just want you to know that i love you no matter what.
I am. I’m scared that something really bad might happen. But secretly I’m excited that something might finally change and I’ll be able to get out.
You know who you are. You routinely work 12-hour days, and also work on most weekends. You send email to the entire group when you have to leave the building for 10 minutes. When you’re with your co-workers, you feign dissatisfaction and try to be convincing that you’re one of the group. But then you turn around and take on that extra assignment or opportunity to trumpet your knowledge to everyone. Just like that kid in 6th grade who raised his/her hand for EVERY question. A little know-it-all. Your unabashed brown-nosing also has not gone un-noticed. So before you saunter into the coffee room to complain about the latest corporate bullshit, think about how you’re screwing things up for the rest of us. Maybe I don’t WANT everyone in the company to know that I have a dentist’s appointment, or that I wanted to leave work a couple hours early last Thursday…just because. I like to do a good job, but I believe there are limits. I will not provide technical support for incompetent managers on Saturday. But apparently you will, and provide the e-mail so that the rest of us can see how diligent you are. The rest of us would like the option to live our lives, spend time with our families, and generally not feel as if our careers are also a tightening collar, a big brother constantly tracking our every move. Stop setting the precedent that the rest of us simply cannot live up to. I say you’re a phony. Stop trying to ride the fence and accept yourself for the craven bootlicker that you are.
There’s nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. ~Walter Wellesley “Red” Smith
It’s been a long time since you died and I’m becoming what some would say “up in years”. I just wanted you to know that I regret a lot of things about our relationship.
I’m so sorry that I never appreciated you more. You did so much for me and I simply took it all for granted. I don’t know if I felt like it was just something you “should have done” because you could afford it or that I was shallow enough to think I deserved it. But everything was a gift to me and I never properly thanked you. And I never properly apologized to you.
I’m sorry, grandma. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time time getting to know who you were. We were arm’s length and I believe that’s because I never asked any questions. It’s almost as if I boxed our relationship into what I thought it was supposed to be and never delved deeper into what it could have been. I’m sorry I didn’t know about your hopes and your dreams. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you about love and boys and the first time you fell in love. I wish I had those answers now.
I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart that you gave me money for my college education and I never graduated. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling you the truth. I had used the money to take care of myself but I didn’t take care of my education. I still have dreams that I go back to school and finish. I wish I would have…for you and me. I want you to know I never cashed your graduation check. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. It felt so dirty.
I’m so sorry, grandma. I’m sorry that I was a coward and couldn’t face up to you. I’m sorry that I hid from my responsiblity and in turn, hid from you. I wish I could have given you more and sang with you more.
You were the closest grandparent I had and I wasted a lot of time with bullshit. If there is an afterlife, I hope to see you again and clear the air. I want to sing your old carols and ask you all the questions I want answered. And mainly I just want to tell you how very special you were to me.
I love you. I miss you. I hope to see you again.
I’ve got nothing against Koreans and I’ve got nothing against Korean food but when Koreans arrive here in Seattle after the 12 hour flight from Seoul is it necessary to bring gramma’s homemade Kim-chee with you? Couldn’t you just ship it UPS and let them deal with the smell?