• things i’ll never say

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    i loved you the moment i met you, like all the pieces were falling into place. i always felt like i had been waiting for something, something bigger than myself, and when i met you i just knew instinctively that you were what i had been waiting for. i’d never believed that love existed, i thought it was just chemical, but i couldn’t breathe if you weren’t next to me i couldn’t think, i couldn’t function. i felt like an idiot, you made me feel like an idiot.

    usually i was so composed, so confident but i felt myself needing to tell you everything about myself, all my deep dark secrets so that you would know me, inside out. i was so impatient. i wanted to get all that bullshit out of the way so that we could just live and be and love. i repulsed myself and i enjoyed it. you were intelligent, complex, mysterious, hilarious, idiotic, fun loving and adventurous everything i wanted back then.

    i could have spent my entire life with you, in fact i used to dream about it lying next to you in bed staring into your eyes. i felt alive in your eyes, like for the first time someone finally saw me for me. no fronts, no masks, no walls. i was naked, real, raw, and i usually hated being vulnerable but with you i felt safe. i shared my goals with you my hopes my dreams and i really thought we were going to make it. i wanted so much to believe it was all true. i needed to believe it.

    but i couldn’t, i was scared. what if you got to know me and hated me as much as i hated myself. i loved every single one of your imperfections but what if you couldn’t stand mine? not to mention that your family couldn’t stand me while mine loved you. why wasn’t it enough that i loved you, that even though i was far from perfect i could make you laugh and smile. you told me i made you happy, you made me happy.

    so i ran, like i did from everything and you even try to stop me? i know i broke your heart but i broke mine in the process. i swore i would love you until the day i died and i still do. i know you may never forgive me for the things i said or did back then but i never meant any of it. if i could go back and change it i don’t know if i would, because if i did i don’t know if i would be the person i am today, the person you helped me to become.

    i just wish i had told you all the things i wanted to back then, i wish i had let you in more instead of pushing you away. you saved my life and gave me a reason and i will always love you for that even if you never know it.

    You and Me

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    You are so wonderful and you care about me so much. We could make the most of this. You want to be with me and the thought of me with someone else makes you miserable. 1 and 1/2 years.

    I love you… but you don’t love me?

    Never thought it could be like this

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dearest first husband,

    When you told me that you have been unhappy for years, I felt like my life was ending. Everything that I knew was taken from me that Thursday evening in July. You said that everything you did was for me, and that you lost yourself because of this. You hadn’t been yourself. I admit that our marriage was sub par. You were my friend, and I loved you for that, but so much was missing. So I had a choice, roll over and crawl into a hole, or make my life something that I want it to be. I chose the 2nd. You did not. After a few months, you realized the mistake you made, but it was too late. I filed for divorce. You kept begging. But the trust was gone, and I had a vision of a life that I could build for myself, and you were not a part of that.

    A year and a half later, the divorce was finalized, and I met him. This is the man that I will grow old with, who will communicate with me, who will always see me with the beauty that I possess today, even as an old woman. I never knew that this is what it could be like. This love is what writes poetry, and composes music. This love is what I dreamt about, even when you and I were together.

    I am sorry that your life has gotten worse. I am sorry that you were hurt. I am sorry that you have struggled with women, and money, and alcohol. I am sorry that you have lost yourself, even more since we separated. I am just so sorry. I wish you nothing but love, and warmth, and happiness. I know you will find it, when you find yourself, unapologetically. And I thank you, from deep in my heart, for leaving me. For the happiness that I have in my life now was not possible when we were together.

    Your ex wife.

    Somewhere along the line feelings changed…

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Lovely Heather,

    I am sorry – Sorry for the way I acted. I did not understand. It was incomprehensible the way you were acting, but I understand now. I understand your sorrow and my anger. It was all misdirected, and it is my fault we do not speak anymore. I knew that you loved me; however I never understood the extent. With the three of us living together it must have been harder than you let on. We had our moments, the cuddling and head turning hand-holding. Not many people accept the sight of two women walking hand-in-hand. I want you to know that I enjoyed every second that we spent together. You were my one of my rocks and I wanted it to stay that way forever.

    …But all good things come to an end.

    I did not mind the drugs, I really didn’t. Talking you down was one of the most frightening events of my life. Somewhere you took it to an extreme, and it upset me. I remember the relief that came after… and holding you on the bathroom floor.

    Every time we fought – I cried. Occasionally he woke up in the middle of the night to find me crying. I would never tell him what was wrong.

    I still have the drawing you made of me when I was sick, and all the magnets we took. The house we lived in is gone now; a grain in the sands of time. Unfortunately so is what we had.

    I am sorry…

    I was wrong…

    When you started bringing the men home I was hurt. At the time I thought it was anger, but I was acting as a jaded lover would act. I get that now, and I did not before. I love you – plain and simple. I love him too though… It has been almost two years since he and I began our relationship, there have been ups and downs. We never had a chance.

    I broke our chance when I broke your heart.

    But in return I broke my own. I dream about you. You show up in my dreams almost nightly… my source says you are doing well. Finally happy with a man who treats you well. You may have calmed down, but you will be a wildfire in the memories. You will forever burn bright within my head. Maybe we’ll be together in another life my dear. In this one the odds for two women just are not that good. Intolerance rules and even if we were together we would not be of equal standing with our peers.

    Even I never send this (I was always bad at expressing myself), and you never read this… Heather I want you to know that I love you still. Even if it will never be the same. Even if we can not be friends.

    Heather you are beautiful. Your eyes green, and your hair many colors. Your scars add character and never took away from your beauty. Take care of yourself, and never give up hope.

    Love AO

    Goodbye

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 1 Comment

    Dear Rotten ex-boyfriend:

    YOU were a mean selfish bastard! YOU would not let me ignore you. YOU pulled me in (when I did not want to be). YOU would not leave me alone! I fell DEEPLY in love with you and YOU knew it. YOU also knew YOU would leave me…which you did. YOU watched me lose “it all” as my heart was breaking (where I did not want to go on)…without having a single concern for me. YOU SUCK! 15

    …Now I have a new boyfriend… “I am very happy YOU broke up with me Rick. My new boyfriend is younger, nicer, cuter and plays the guitar WAY better than you, so THANK YOU SO much! I really mean it.”

    To my new boyfriend (YOU know who you are) YOU are a kind and good person who helps make my life happy…thank you! YOU are not mean and I like you. YOU are very sexy and like to kiss (a nice change from my last relationship.) I want you to be happy and I really care for you Pierre. You rock!

    Gayle

    I can’t make my self like him

    by  • August 11, 2010 • 1 Comment

    I do not like him.

    We have been best friends for years, and I have watched and supported you through all your less than successful attempts with men. When you told me that you had finally found an actual “Boyfriend” who you loved and thought you could see a serious relationship with, I was so happy for you, you had waited long enough and it was about time you got someone.

    Problem is, I just cant make my self like him.

    I know friends hear more of the bad stuff than the good. That’s our job, to listen to the everyday relationship moans and groans and be supportive, but that’s all I hear. The things he does wrong that make you so hurt so angry and so upset, you seem to forgive him for within the day. I can’t forgive him for the way he makes you feel sometimes.

    Its happens more than it should and some how, he always convinces you that he needs to make you apologise and grovel to him, when he’s been so cruel to you.

    You’ve called me in tears about things he’s done, or tried to force you to do, but you forget them all so quickly. I remember them all and I hate him for what he has done to you.

    My passionate femminist friend who I never fought would let a guy push her about, now seems to think she has to be the good little wifey, picking up after him and cooking his every meal.

    When I spend time with you and him, he gives me the cold shoulder, and then tells you off later for making him feel left out and spending your time with me not him.

    Perhaps it’s me being over dramamtic but the way you are with him, makes me believe that if one day he were to physically hurt you you would forgive him and still stay. It seems unlikely that he would hurt you that way, but much more believable is that he will manipulate you and control you other ways.

    I feel so trapped. I can’t tell you how much I hate him. You wouldn’t understand it. You have forgiven him for hurting you, so you will not understand why I can’t. All I can do is be there with a bottle of wine when you want to have a moan about him, and try and prevent you from trying to justify his behaviour till you convince your self you are in the wrong. I will wait patiently for how ever long it takes for you to realise he is a spiteful man who you would be better off with out.

    However to the boyfriend i say this. I will not wait forever. If you ever really hurt her, I will make sure everyone knows, I will tell her exactly what I think of you, and urge her to leave you. I might lose her over it, but I can only wait so long for her to realise what a spiteful manipulative person you are.