It’s been nearly three months and I cried about you yesterday and today. I can’t differentiate or tell whether it’s because I miss what we had or because I miss you. You, the first person I ever loved, the first person I trusted unconditionally and the first person I ever gave myself to.
You were this amazing light that forced its way into my life, ignoring my attempts to keep you away. Eventually I gave you a chance and you made me happier than I had ever been before. No matter what was wrong in my life, what I was worried about, what made me feel bad, you were there. I knew you were there, just for me and only me. You told me you loved me and I laughed in your face. I was so shocked and so taken aback I didn’t know what to do or say. And then I did, because I knew I loved you too. You said you loved being with me because I was the first person you truly cared about. It was always you who as the most affectionate in the beginning and then gradually I was head over heels for you. Just us, you and I, just us two.
I’ll never forget that moment when you turned and looked at me and said “This is so hard”. I had no idea what you were talking about. You then just looked at me and said we had to talk. Instantly I knew. I felt the blood just drain from my face and my entire body go numb. I knew and yet I couldn’t believe it. It was like a horrible horrible dream. You didn’t even say it..I did. Through misted eyes and with ragged breath I asked “Are you breaking up with me?” and all you did was just nod. You nodded and looked at me with the saddest look in your eyes. I ran and left. I couldn’t handle it. But then I remembered how we had been together the night before and how you put me in a cab and shouted after me “I love you”. You had lied and I was angry but I still loved you. And god I thought some part of you still loved me.
My sister and I always wanted to be your friend. If the circumstances were different and if you cared, I suppose it might have worked out in the end.
My sister had the biggest crush on you when were little. In fact, it lasted several years. I can’t count the amount of years I spent to her professing that she still had feelings for you.
I at first wanted to believe that in some misunderstanding you still loved us as friends but I soon realized that you have no empathy for us. The pain that you caused me and her I now know is irreversible. Through out the years I know you’ve felt burned by what happened between us so much to talk about us with profanity and mockery. You belittled us and lost us in the end. You had constantly treated us as losers, denying any chance we had at becoming friends.
I think what really drew us to you was you were the only friend that stuck by with us when school was going hectic, and our parent’s were fighting. I honestly sometimes wish we were friends still. But so much has happened, especially with me. Not only have I battled depression, but I’ve also gone through a terrible period of psychosis. You will never know me truly and I hate that every day. But although you have turned yourself away from me, the most disappointed thing I am with you is how you’ve treated my sister. My sister never had feelings for the person you’ve become friends with. In fact, she never talks about him. She only talks of you when she has no place to think of next. Sometimes I catch her looking at your window still and it causes me pain to see her still caring for someone like you.
I tried my best to make our apologies meant and sincere. We didn’t mean to hurt you. But if you asked us for one second why we aren’t friends, I would tell you simply, you betrayed us. You broke us. I will always be hurt by the day you stopped caring, and although you betrayed us we still care for you. You are probably the only friend that I would ever want back. And I can’t honestly say why.
My sister thinks of you alot, so much that it bothers me still. I use to be the opposite of her. I use to think that you still cared, but now when I see your face I can’t help but be angry. We care for you still. I hate that I do every single day. So much has happened and not a word said. I can never forget. You were our best friend, the one we saw ourselves growing up with. You were the one friend we thought would always be there. You were the friend we thought would hang out with us in study hall in middle school, or the person that we could tell our secrets to. But in reality, you’re the only one I’ve seen tear my sister apart. And I can’t forgive you for that.
I sit here and think of you. That’s how I know I’m making the right decision. You’ve lost so much. So many chances – you gave them up. I wish I knew how it would have worked out for you. Would you have been happy? Would your life have straightened out? Would it have got worse before it got better?
All these questions keeps floating around in my head and I’m thankful to say – they keep me going.
All this time you’ve lost – all I can think is, what would I miss? What would happen?
I may hate everything that is happening to me right now, but because of you, I wonder – what if it changed? What if it got better? Are you cheering me on? Hopeful for me? Pushing me in the right direction? Or do you even know that I’m calling out to you? I just wish I could see how your life would have turned out. Just so I can see what I have to look forward to. Just so I know that there’s more.
But honestly, it just seems that everything has gone downhill since you left.
I have to remind myself everyday exactly what it is that I’m holding onto and honestly, it’s loosing it’s significance. Why should I hold on for other’s when it seems that no one is holding onto me? I’m just asking for some insight because I’m severely lost right now. I can’t seem to find my way out of this hole. And everything just seems so dark. Is this how you felt? Overwhelmed? Forgotten? Alone? Confused? Angry? Hopeless? A bit insane? And just wishing – praying – that someone would say all the right things and remind you what you’re fighting for?
Here’s the truth for you, even though I say I never lie, that I always tell you the truth. I don’t see us having a future together. I really don’t. After everything that you’ve done to me I’ve finally had it!
Wow, to tell you the truth, I thought that this day would never come. But this isn’t a letter to celebrate me getting over you. I love you. Yea, I know…I still love you regardless of everything that you’ve done to me. I’ll always love you since, of course, you are my First Love. We did so many thing together that I will never forget and we have so many memories together. But at the same time I’m hurt and I’ve been licking my wounds to get better. And yes, I know I’ve hurt you, too. I’m not denying it and yes, sometimes I do forget that I’ve done that. I’ve told you I’ve hated you, that I never wanted to see you again. That I was always faking. But honestly…I don’t know what to feel. It has been my first time. You’re the only one I know. So really, I don’t know. I made my mistakes. You left me…I went out and went out with another guy. Didn’t take me long to find another boyfriend…never really does. But You! Oh boy! You do it even better then me…well, in my opinion.
You! You talk to those girls while we’re together and you have the audacity to tell me that you’re just “friends”. Of course, I know that it’s all a lie. You leave me for them…I don’t. Yes, I do look and see what’s in front of me, but I don’t even bother to pursue. I tell them straight out that I’m in a relationship and that I’m happy and I won’t go for them. But YOU! Ugh you…you gladly do it. And in front of my face. And when I confront you, you tell ME that I’m over reacting. Yeah, right.
But anyways, back to the subject. I’m sorry to tell you that, yes, I still do love you. I still have feelings for you. Yes, yes, yes. But I don’t imagine a future with you. I don’t want to live together. I’m young. I always imagined having my own place before even moving in with someone. But you want to move in right away. I realize that a while ago and I panicked. I don’t want that. I was able to imagine all of that before all of those problems. But now I don’t. I don’t want to marry you. I don’t want to live together…and I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to tell you without hurting you. I never want to hurt you. But really I don’t see how I can tell you this without hurting you. Really…
You were nothing but sweet to me… and I know that’s just how you are to every girl. But that night we were together replays in my head every day and I would do anything to go back to that… As time goes on I have learned who you really are. You are the kind of person who will say whatever you want to hear, even if you don’t really mean it. You never called, or even acted like it meant anything. You truly are a shitty person, and even though I have now come to terms with that every time I see you, or hear about you my face lights up, and there is nothing I can do about that. One thing I will never understand is how people can go back to what hurt them, even though I am one of those people.
10th of December was
9 days before I left, and there were
8 thousand words I should have been writing at
7 pm that night because I had
6 papers due but you needed a prop girl
5 minutes before the show and be
4 I knew it I was that girl and
3 drinks later I was way too drunk
2 walk myself home and you were the nice
1 who made sure I was okay and my heart went from
0 to 60 everytime you smiled at me.
1 week later at
2 in the morning, you walked me home again, and
3rd times the charm, I asked you to stay
4 the night because it was barely
5 degrees outside and I was falling for you out of
6 billion people in the world, despite only knowing you for
7 days. And now
8 months later, and
90 days since I told you I loved you, I thank god for the
10 days I had with you in December.