• Sister…in LAW.

    by  • March 4, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dear S.I.L.,
    I’ve never cared much for you…WHERE WERE YOUR
    MANNERS?? Oh, that’s right, your mom’s an ignoramus and has an IQ of
    75, just like you, so I shouldn’t be surprised that you were never
    exposed to them, or, if you WERE, then you weren’t smart enough to
    pick up on that little life lesson.
    Not sure what my bro ever saw in you, except that he had a dream
    about you…a “vision” if you will. Last time I checked, that was NOT
    a reason to marry someone! But he did, and we’ve had the luxury of
    getting acquainted with all of your quirks. Like the one about your
    sense of entitlement…that’s probably my favorite one of all. It’s
    like you think you were born into royalty or something. Sometimes it’s
    comical, but most of the time, it’s fucking annoying!! Speaking of
    annoying, why don’t you work? Oh, that’s right. It’s that sense of
    entitlement thing. You’re too good for that. You’re setting a lovely
    example for your children, aren’t ya? How special that they may grow up
    to be just like you! (Hopefully, most of my brother’s DNA is
    dominant.)
    I would never say any of this to your face for obvious reasons…it’s
    really mean. But it sure feels good to get it out!!!
    There will be more…

    dwindling tolerance

    by  • March 4, 2010 • 0 Comments

    dear lovely roomie,
    ok we’re firnds and all but seriosuly the tv does NOT always need to
    be on and fuck maybe you should go study outside the room when you
    wait till 2 am to study and still have the light and tv on…. im
    losing patience. the tv will not help you remember what ever it is
    youre trying to study. if i was an awful person i would get out of bed
    right now and turn the tv off. when i always turn it off while youre
    not there dont you think thats a hint? i cant remeber the last time i
    sat and studied at my desk because the tv is blarring in my ear to the
    point wherei cant hear my own music. ill be damned i you get better
    grades after studying with that tv on at 2 am instead of in a quiet
    study lounge so your room mate can sleep at a normal hour! haaaa and
    when you said its easier to get up after going to bed late i wanted to
    shoot myself.

    so please turn off Family Matter re-runs soni can sleep.

    Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret.

    by  • March 3, 2010 • 0 Comments

    It’s been a while since I chatted with you. I think the last time was right around my first menstrual cycle. Really, thank you for all the help on that. I appreciate it.

    So, it’s been quite a few years, obviously…but I kind of feel that you could have given me just a bit more preparation on this whole woman thing. I mean, I get the periods…and the swollen boobs, and the moodiness…the occasional break-outs. I get it, I do.

    However, and this is a big HOWEVER, God, what is with the chin hair? Women have very soft skin because we’re the fairer species. The fairer species isn’t so fair when she’s sporting a beard And how could you even consider putting a long dark hair on a woman’s breast? That last one just kind of seems mean, like payback for something. And you reward us for carrying a child for nine grueling marathon months by taking away the ability to hold our own pee. Each cough, each laugh we are reminded that we should be wearing our OWN diaper. I won’t gripe about the hemorrhoids since you were also kind enough to share that lovely little gift with our male counterparts.

    Seriously, though, God…it would have been nice to have gotten a manual on this other stuff. Or at least a little pamphlet showing an ink drawing of a bearded lady with chest hair wetting her pants with the text “This will be you in 15 years.” A little warning could have helped.

    Please don’t take this as a criticism at all, God. I think you did really well with kittens and bunnies and sunsets. That’s grade A stuff. I was just hoping for a few less things to pluck in my advancing years…especially now that the vision is going.

    Princess and the Pea

    by  • March 3, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I am so fricking sick of princesses like you. People who don’t work or
    earn a living. You don’t have to worry about much other than getting
    your hair done and deciding which expensive foods to order from the
    caterer. You have no problem using up my valuable time for your
    incredibly inconsequential needs. Things you could most certainly do
    yourself and much more easily than handing them off to me. And then
    you criticize or complain that things aren’t being done correctly or
    to your liking. Like I should be able to read your crazy, disorganized
    mind. You are such an entitled and ungrateful person. You don’t care a
    whit about others, only about you and your needs. And yet you tell me
    you are so caring and sensitive. Not buying it. I’ve done plenty of
    time with you and I know. Why don’t you get a life and start thinking
    about others’ feelings and other people’s lives, or just the fact that
    we HAVE lives of our own. I have problems too, but I rise above them
    EVERY DAY so I can take care of your hangnails.

    Signed,
    Hate peas

    What I Should’ve Said to You

    by  • March 3, 2010 • 0 Comments

    7 months later, I still think about you everyday. You make my heart
    hurt. You pop into my head when I least expect it, and every single
    time I feel so unprepared for the feelings that come back to me. I
    shouldn’t think of you at all, I should hate you for what you did and
    how you left me. I should realize that there is someone better out
    there for me, and not be stuck on the fact that no matter who I meet,
    he will never be you. I should see you for what you are, and stop
    ignoring all the things you aren’t. You’re pathetic, and a liar, and
    you will never be the person I thought you were. It makes me sick to
    think about you and her. You make me sick. You left me for her…and
    still had the nerve to come back to me later, and try to cheat on her
    with me. Who does that? Who manipulates and uses people like that? You
    are low, weak, and selfish.

    I wish you would have picked me. But most of all, I wish I didn’t care
    so much that you didn’t.

    I hope karma gets you. I hope you get what you deserve. I hope she
    realizes what you did, and leaves your sorry ass. I hope someday, when
    you meet the girl you really want to be with, she does to you what you
    did to me. I hope that you never, ever forget about me, and that your
    guilt keeps you awake every night, for the rest of your life.

    Rest in Peace, Beautiful

    by  • March 3, 2010 • 1 Comment

    I love you, Tanya. 22 is too young to go, we all still need you down
    here on earth. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you, that you
    know how hard it’s been without you here. I wish you had never gotten
    in that car.