• If I could hate you, I would

    by  • August 29, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I want to hate you so much.

    I wish I wasn’t your friend. I wish I didn’t know you.

    Because some days you are the reason I can smile as brightly as I can. Some days you’re all I think about. Some days you are everything I want.

    Then you explain to all our friends how unattractive you find me. How you don’t even acknowledge I’m female most of the time. I’m just one of the guys.

    You talk about your gorgeous girlfriend, who I can’t even hate because she really is that awesome.

    It’s not that you ever lead me on to believe there was something more. You never said anything, never made a move on me.

    but I always wanted you to. I was such an idiot, convincing myself that maybe… just maybe, it wasn’t completely one sided.

    It is. You made that very clear last night. What’s sad is you don’t even realize how harshly you destroyed all my illusions.

    But can you really blame me for falling for you?

    When we’re in a group of friends, I’m always you’re center of you focus. You’re always making me laugh. When we’re alone you’re voice softens and our conversations stray from the silly to the more sincere and revealing.

    Those I could live with, but there’s two things you do that just kill me. You touch me. You’re always playfully touching me and harassing me, and while I know that there isn’t any meaning behind I crave it. I want you to touch me, that when you do, no matter how innocent, it’s simply fueling the fire.

    The other is when I’m anything, but happy…

    (more…)

    Learn to let go.

    by  • August 29, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Hi,

    It’s me again. I met you over a year ago. A Friday in May. You were the first boy who picked me up and spun me around like in the movies. You had me hooked. People told me that you would never liked me, but i knew we had something special. You walked me to class every day. And i loved it. Then on day, you just stopped. No warning. Nothing. I was heart broken. I wanted you dearly. I craved your approval. Over a year later, I think I’ve fallen for your best friend and you won’t leave me alone. I’m almost over you, but you keep coming back. You’re giving me a hint of doubt that you like me, but then you go with another girl. You’re a player. I’m done.

    Goodbye from,
    The Girl You’ll Never Have

    I’m always here for you.

    by  • August 29, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Those are the words you will never fail to hear from me when you need them said. When you need a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold you, legs to support you, and a heart to hear you, I’ll always be here. This isn’t something I need to remind you of, either. You know this, and I know you know it. But there is something that I don’t know; it’s why you insist on “just being friends,” when I know there’s potential for more. What I fail to understand is why you don’t feel like giving us a chance.

    That’s all you wanted at one point; a chance. You wanted a chance to be with someone who cared about you, who wouldn’t stab you in the back like she did on our senior year, who would see you for the amazing person you are and not cause you to doubt yourself or make you believe you were below anyone’s standards. Just like I’m here for you now, I was there for you then and I saw something change. You were still the best friend I fell in love with, but that stab in the back caused a crack to appear that just kept getting wider and wider until I was terrified it would consume you. You were, are, and always will be the sunshine in my life and I felt as if my sun had been eclipsed indefinitely.

    You did not smile. You barely spoke. Whatever emotion or response I did manage to get out of you was so full of despair that I debated on whether trying to get you to reply at all. I stuck by you, though. When all I kept hearing was how other people were telling you that “she was just one girl” and to “get over it,” I listened to you without judgment. If truth be told, it was more out of fear for you than it was because I was being a good friend. But I’d like to think that the two are related. I’d like to think that it’s because I was a good enough friend that I was worried for your safety, worried about the way you spoke so darkly all the time. Because of that, I was always there for you, more than I ever had been. Months went by, making it a point to prove the tired saying that time heals everything. I started to hear you laugh for the first time in so long. Your eyes shone. That hint of bitterness and scorn in your voice had all but vanished. Eventually, you were back to a more content version of the guy I met in my 10th grade English class. And my feelings were more or less the same as they had been since we met. Your conviction to join the military hadn’t changed either. You had already been getting yourself in shape for boot-camp, so relationships weren’t exactly high on your priorities list. That’s not to say that they weren’t on your list at all; you once made a comment about your doubts of a girl remaining faithful to you while you were away for a year and a half, just for training, never mind actually getting sent overseas. You said no girl would wait for you. I guess you forgot what I’ve always told you.

    (more…)

    Lament for the L word

    by  • August 29, 2010 • 0 Comments

    NB,

    I told you that I loved you, and I meant it. But I was drunk and you were drunk so I pretended it didn’t matter, that you didn’t remember, and that was the reason you didn’t return the emotion. Then I said it again. And again. And finally you told me you weren’t ready for the “L” word, but that you cared for me and you were fond of me. You told me I was the last thing you thought about at night, the first in the morning. We’ve spent countless nights together, curled up in each other’s arms, even before it was “official”. I know this is your first real relationship in almost a decade. I understand that. So I pretended it didn’t matter that you didn’t love me back.

    But it did matter, and every time we did something together, all I could think was “this is great… but he doesn’t love me.” and it made me so sad. I cried. And cried.

    So I did what any girl would, I asked my best friend for advice. She told me to break up with you, over and over, so often that I started to believe that it was the right course. So I tearfully asked you if this was really going to work. And you told me that I wanted too much from you.

    But, I love you. So I told you a half-truth about what I wanted, and I told you that I just wanted to go back to a few months ago, when we were just happy and having fun together.

    For the most part, I told you the truth. But every day we spend together, I fall for you a little more. I have these fantasies of your future proposal. The house we build together. Our kids. The family we’ll grow. The dog we’ll have, and the yard it will play in. I know I’m being silly. I know I’m being girlish. But I can’t help myself, because I’m so Goddamned in love with you I don’t know which way is up anymore. I know you want the same things…because we imagine together sometimes.

    So please, for my sake, sort your feelings out quickly. I don’t know how much more my heart can take. I don’t know how long is too long anymore, before it becomes apparent that you’re just not going to feel the same way for me.

    Love,
    MB

    Well, I loved you. What more can I say?

    by  • August 29, 2010 • 0 Comments

    You’re probably sitting there thinking about absolutely everything other than me and what I’m doing. Even if you were I bet you’d never guess “sending an anonymous letter to relieve anxiety caused by you”.

    You seemed so… perfect. Everything about you was so unique, so vibrant. But, it was never as easy to let you know how I felt, in comparison to other ‘couples’ partly because you never really showed that much of an interest in me. I think you knew all along, you just ignored the fact that ‘I liked you’ perhaps I only liked the idea of you because, to be honest, I knew nothing about you. I knew your name, I knew your interests in school but I didn’t know ‘who you were’ . Maybe all I liked was ‘who I thought you were’.

    It’s not your fault, and I’d like you to know that. You probably don’t even care. I didn’t care that you didn’t wear shoes on a night out. I didn’t care that you dyed your hair green (you say blue, but i think we both know it’s green. I mean come on! Even my dog could tell you it’s green and according to research in 1989 show that dogs suffer from dichromatic colour vision but enough about that). In my opinion it did nothing more to me than make me realize how wacky your methods of ‘expressing yourself’ -or whatever you’d like to call it- were.

    It took me a while to measure up the pro’s and con’s so that the con’s outweighed the pro’s but I’m pretty sure this news pretty much ‘”bites the big ‘un” (or so they say) I think I’m pretty much over you because I found out that you urinate before receiving felatio. Call me shallow, but in my eyes.. you’re not perfect anymore. Thank you. But then again, you probably don’t even care :/

    Why?

    by  • August 29, 2010 • 1 Comment

    Hi, I’m sure you remember me, especially considering how you wouldn’t give up on me or leave me alone to live my life no matter how much I wanted you to. I pitied you. You had no other friends in the world and after what you did to me I can clearly see why. I have you, you know that? I hate you with every fiber of my being. Why couldn’t you let me be happy? Why did I ever even have an inkling of feeling for you? I wish you had never been born. Honest to god the world would be a better place for it and that’s coming from someone who wished that upon themselves. What you did to me by jeopardizing my job, my life, my happiness is beyond reprehensible. Fuck you. I hope I never see or hear from you again. And if by some sick twist of fate I ever do I will not hesitate to break your nose and then spit on it. Fuck you.