Dear Universe.. for the sake of pure catharsis I want to make it known that I have managed to live my 31 years with very few regrets.. but there are a couple.. I regret not beating a girl as much as my youthful strength would’ve allowed me.. she confronted me, accused me of things I’d not done,.. I stood terrified, 13, and peace-loving.. she stood too close to me, flanked by several girls, and suddenly punched me squarely on the cheekbone.. my head yielded to her strike, then I looked directly at her and made the conscious decision to run rather than fight.. I was idealistic, I was a young sweet student of Zen.. and would not so easily be driven to violence.. so I ran.. When I called my mom to come and pick me up, she arrived, quickly announced her disbelief in my cowardice and declared me shameful.. You see…Dear Universe.. Mom had been a badass bar fighter.. a brawler in heels.. a “what the fuck are you looking at ?!” kind of girl.. she loved confrontation, whereas I thought of violence as a profound character defect and completely unacceptable way to resolve anything.. well.. big long story short.. Dear Universe.. though I can look back and be satisfied w/ my adherence to my convictions.. I reflect on that moment as one that I wish I could change.. it’s a moment that I wish I would’ve unleashed on this girl and her friends with all the fury a young me could tap.. i shouldve disfigured her.. i wish I had.. I would’ve been better off.. it was a defining moment in some ways.. and I failed.. I shouldve gone apeshit.. if ever I get to go back in time.. i shall and when i do.. the first thing I will do is punch that stupid bitch in the throat and watch her gasp and writhe..
How is it fair that you’re dead and I’m left to deal with what you did? You’re sleeping peacefully for eternity and I spend every night either unable to sleep or forced to relive that moment over and over in my dreams.
I’m angry. I’m afraid I’m going to hurt someone because I have no way to let go. I have and by association you have ruined every relationship I’ve ever been in because I can’t let any girl I’ve ever loved past the walls that won’t come down. All because you were a monster in the guise of a guardian. How many others? You had nothing but opportunities, it was a school.
If there’s a hell, I hope you’re burning in it, you vindictive whore.
How many times have you told me that you don’t really exist? How many more times will you try to convince me?
I love you so much, and you just destroy me every time we talk. Do you realize this? Every time we talk, every time we hang out.
I’ve loved you since high school. Since the first time we met. I absolutely adore you.
And you love me too.
You’ve told me.
You helped me get out of a horrible relationship. You gave me hope that there was a chance for us.
And then you pulled it all back.
What was the purpose of it all?
Is there a chance for us? Was there ever?
Can’t you just answer me for once?
Stop pretending you’re someone you’re not. Stop pretending that there’s some great reason in the cosmos for us not to be together.
Just give me a straight answer.
Should I move on, or should I hold out hope?
I see you and my heart skips, it skips longer than it has for everyone else. I sit near you and I just want to hold you. You hug me when you haven’t seen me a long while and I die, knowing that that hug is only between friends. Ever since I met you seven long years ago I have longed for and even loved you. It started as a gigantic crush but after just a single year it grew to more than that. I showed you the signs, I looked into your eyes every time you talked to me; but when you would talk about your boyfriends. I listened to your every word. I did wall I could to please you. I TOLD you I wanted to be more than friends three times and each time you just wanted to be friends. You have gone through multiple relationships and I have always heard of them, and all I could do is listen to you and let more of me die. And yet you still just want to be friends, you ask me to a party for your leaving, you ask me to hang out with you. And it kills me inside to say yes or no. You asked me to be your friend because I am one of your oldest, and you are one of mine. But I can no longer be just friends.
I love you Kate.
You. I need more. I want more. I need for you to treat me like I mean something, for you to treat me like you care. Why won’t you?
Slowly, you poked and pestered me into telling you the sordid details of my life. You didn’t even make me feel forced…I actually started to WANT to tell you these twisted secrets. You listened and you asked questions and you never once judged me. You tried to help, to give me advice…I knew it was because you loved me, but you never could admit it. I’m glad you didn’t, because I would have gently let you down. But somehow you made your way into my heart, made everything better, made me happy at last. I don’t know how I ever survived without you, but I’m so happy you’re here now. You give yourself to me fully, and honey I LOVE YOU, but I’m having trouble staying with you. I’m always looking for the next thing, and even though you make me dizzyingly happy, I can’t stop myself from looking for someone even better. It breaks my heart that I’m keeping this terrible scret from you. I love you so much and I never want to hurt you. I never want to break your heart. I hope I can stop soon and be yours completely.