Dear Family Member,
Why don’t you take your fat, lazy, disrespectful ass & leave the
family alone?! I hate the fact that I am of any blood relation to you.
You are nothing special. You are a worthless insect that I never want
to have anything to do with ever again in my life. You make me feel
shameful to even go out in public in fear that someone will know that
you are my relative. You are an extreme burden on our family both
emotionally & financially. You are part of the reason that my mom
doesn’t want to attend family functions, she doesn’t want to see your
ungrateful ass! You are the reason that I rarely see my grandparents
because A) I don’t want to see you & B) I can’t sit there & hear them
talk about what a free loader you are, I can’t sit there & watch
them suffer because of your useless existence. You are the reason that
they are now in more of a financial pickle (also because of your dad
too) & also you are the reason that they are having stress related
health problems to the point in which their own doctor is telling them
to kick your ass out of the house for fear that they will have a heart
attack. Grandma and Grandpa are not getting along anymore, which, I
know that your pea brain has never noticed this, but they never have
fights. You have a kid, that you can’t stand to be with for more than
an hour, and are old enough to, I don’t know, get a job, maybe take
care of yourself for once in your life instead of sitting on your fat
ass doing drugs.
Maybe I’m a little bit jealous of you though. No one ever gave me a
place to live for free, along with food, a phone, 6 cars and an
endless amount of cigarettes (even though they themselves do not smoke
so I don’t know why they are supplying them for you). I never got
praised for doing one 5 minute task once a month. No, I never got help
with anything. But I look like crap to everyone in the family because
of the fact that I had my shit together. No one (I guess) felt the
need for praise.
Get a f*cking life!
Love, your annoyed family member
Dear Hot Potato Factory CEO,
This being a hot potato factory and all, I understand that you
yourself must embrace and embody all that is ‘hot potato’. Be it a
phone call, an email, a meeting you scheduled 30 minutes ago… all
must be handled with astute hot potato precision, by you, the hot
potato master and all-time champion. My concern is that you seem to
have assembled for yourself a team of like-minded hot potato
aficionados. This has created an environment whereby lots of potatoes
get tossed about, but where they end up nobody knows. This has not
gone unnoticed by our clients, the owners of said potatoes. Other hot
potato top producers have taken note as well, finding that potatoes
tossed our way end up lost in our hot potato abyss. Just thought you
should know – shit ain’t gettin’ done and you reward them for it.
Dear certain bass in choir,
I think we can consider ourselves fairly good friends. At least I
think so, but since you started acting fucking WEIRD after our
glorious bus date that one day on tour, I knew something was up. Yes,
I had a huge crush on you. I wish I had realized my feelings for you
sooner (as of in like a year sooner) because I feel like then I would
have had a chance.
Well, who am I kidding. Of course I wouldn’t have had a chance. I take
a look at who you’re dating now, and realize that I’m just apparently
not hot enough for you. If you’re into anorexic, overly-tanned girls
who look like they’re 12, then great. People tell me I should be able
to get anyone I want, and I wanted you. You lost your chance forever,
so screw you! I hope someday you can realize what you’re missing.
You’ll never have a chance again.
I would try and list qualities about you that I can’t stand, or think
are awful, but I honestly cannot think of any which is pathetic on my
part. Except of course the fact that I am DISGUSTED with your choice
of a girlfriend. I hope she dumps you in a brutal manner someday.
PS – I am too fabulous for you anyways.
You are a:
Knock it the hell off, would ya???
I know my boss thinks it’s a little funny that we couldn’t catch you, but I’m not amused. Personally, I’d like you to be squashed like the bug you are (yes, yes – technically you’re an arachnid. WHATEVER).
So, can we call it a truce? If you promise to stay as far away from me as possible, I promise not to KILL YOU. Here is the line in the sand… cross it if you dare.
Your not-so-thrilled office mate
I think that it is about time that we made a change! We will soon be taking over the world, and burning down the government……with zombies. We have decided that the world is over-populated and we have chosen to take it down a notch. We think that you should know because there is nothing that you can do to stop us.
Say goodbye to your loved ones and begin acquiring the taste for human flesh because soon you will be our faithful minions! Do not try to resist, or hide because we WILL find you!
BOW DOWN BEFORE OUR POWER!!!