• How am I doing?

    by  • July 1, 2010 • 0 Comments


    So. You. You bother me more than anyone. You say the DUMBEST things and your dreams and “goals” are DUMB. I know that is rude to say because you shouldn’t say that about anyone… but c’mon, get real here! Oh, and you’ll have SEX with her, but you won’t say the word ASS. YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT, BUT I LOVE YOU. Not in that way, of course. I want your dreams and stuff to work out… but I wish you could somehow understand that you’re taking a huge risk and i’m not ready to see you fail. If you ever need someone to catch you, i’m always here.


    More annoying than ever

    by  • June 30, 2010 • 2 Comments

    DUDE!!! STOP with the changing of your profile pictures on FB! You’re not cute or pretty or special enough to do that! People don’t CARE! We KNOW what the fuck you look like, and one picture isn’t any better than the next! GOD, you’re so insecure! Get a fucking LIFE!!

    Pull It Together!

    by  • June 29, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Ok so I have tried to be patient with your complete lack of protecting me from getting sick and injured, but my patience is like the last few pieces of sand being pulled down through the hole in an hourglass. I mean it is honestly getting ridiculous how much you suck at your one job. Could you please get your act together and help me be healthy for once in my life. I listened to you telling me to slow down, but I still feel like I m getting punished and ignored.

    Let me list the things you have fallen asleep on the job or taken a vacation for…

    1. 2 stress fractures in my back that I have to wear a hard brace every second of the day that is sweaty and hurts my ribs and chafes.
    2. A month full of 4 consecutive sicknesses
    3. A 6 month sinus infection
    4. Being tired after getting 8 hours or more sleep every night when everyone else seems more awake after 6.
    5. overall body pain even when I have not done real exercize in over 2 months
    6. horrible allergies and itchy eyes
    7. always feeling like I have a bunch of sinus pressure
    8. very few years without depression
    9. headaches all the time
    10. random pains that come and go

    100. too many things to count

    I would appreciate if you did something productive and made me feel better. Vacation is over! Now get back to work!

    Where Do We Stand?

    by  • June 29, 2010 • 0 Comments

    This is the question that seems to keep coming up in our relationship, or at least what is left of it. The people pleaser who always tries to take over and screw me over came out this past month. Even though you were the one who scarred me deeply, I ended up feeling bad for you. Feeling like I was a bad person for cutting off communication with you for such a “long” time of a few months. I felt like I had some obligation to invite you to watch me graduate. I really did not want to see you or even talk to you, but I decided to let you in this small way. I knew you would want to be there and I felt bad for thinking about not telling you to come.

    Then I got the bright idea to invite you to my party to celebrate graduation. Once again, trying to let you in a small way, but nothing too extreme. I just wanted to see how it would be being around you and having some coversation with you. Turns out that you just had to be immature and continually make comments that made me uncomfortable and want you to leave. It was a huge step for me to even let you back in at all, so the least you could do is be mature about it and take it for what it was worth. I’m sure you were nervous and didn’t know how to handle yourself, but honestly this was pathetic and just inappropriate.

    You said “I hope it is not long before I see you again” but I am not so sure that this will come true after how you acted. I am not sure that you are someone that I can depend on to provide the stability that I desperately need right now. I don’t need someone who is going to cause me trouble and make my life more difficult. I think about how things have been without you for the past five months and from the frustration before you hurt me, I am not inclined to start over with our friendship. At this point, I have not felt a hole in my life left from you. At this point, I am not thinking that the friendship is that important to me. As Beyonce sings, you are not as irreplaceable as you may think.

    Bitch Bootcamp: Week TEN

    by  • June 29, 2010 • 1 Comment

    The Seven Habits of a Highly Effective Bitch

    1. Be Proactive: Want to run a marathon? Start training. Want to eat a gallon of ice cream? Get off your butt and go to the store. Want to kick your boyfriend out? Start throwing his shit in the front lawn (I recommend adding a sign that says FREE STUFF).
    2. Begin with the end in mind: As in, life is too short. It all has to end sometime – so why get wrapped up in the worry of it all? ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
    3. Put first things first: YOURSELF. This isn’t a selfish thing – if you take care of “you” first, you will have more energy and patience to be there for others. Or more energy to kick their ASS if necessary.
    4. Think win/win: There is always an upside to everything. Like, if I tell my coworker to FUCK OFF, I’ll likely get written up… but if I’m lucky, I’ll also get suspended for a week. Instant vacation, anyone??
    5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood: If you first assess HOW stupid someone is, it will be much easier for you to choose the level you need to dumb down your conversation to for them to understand you.
    6. Synergize: Surround yourself with like-minded Bitches. No hair pulling ladies…
    7. Sharpen the saw: I like to think of this as “practice makes perfect”. The more you practice being a Bitch, the more natural it will become, until you finally hit a point when you don’t even have to think about it!

    I hope this helps you refocus and be the most effective Bitch possible.

    Great. I get to see your fat face today. Wonderful.

    by  • June 28, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Yeah, and I get that “fat” might be a derogatory term but it’s more that I don’t like your face, not that I don’t like fat.  I love fats of all kinds.  I love faces of all kind.  But I don’t like YOUR face.  Your FAT face.

    I get to see you this morning and I’ll have to pretend to be nice to you.  I’ll put on my most placid smile and say, “Good morning.”  Inside I will be thinking, “I would like to punch you in your FAT FACE.

    Can’t wait to see you.