• I’m haunted

    by  • September 6, 2010 • 1 Comment

    This separation has been tough. I think more so on you because I was the one that left. I had prepared myself for it. I’m still not sure why or how you didn’t see this coming. But still, it happened, and it’s been 4 months of this.

    I finally decided that we should go to counseling before we finalize a divorce. I said that I didn’t want to be a year out of a divorce and regret not trying everything.

    When you dropped that load of news in my lap last night, um, I think my heart stopped working. I wasn’t prepared for that. Not at all. My biggest fear has come true. The one thing that I never wanted to happen to me, the words I thought I would never hear come out of your mouth. And they did.

    This pain..this pain I feel, it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my chest. In my heart, and my brain. It makes me sick to think about it. I’ve lived a life with someone I thought I knew, who had a completely different life the entire time. The ENTIRE time. A completely DIFFERENT life. One that I always questioned in the back of my mind, but you told me to trust you and I did. And it turns out, all of those fears, they were for good reason.

    What betrayal I feel. And two days before our first counseling session? Wow. What a blow. How does someone do that? How does someone sit in their selfishness, wrapped up in all of their shit, and not even give it a thought that maybe that would hurt the person they said forever to? How does that happen. I knew you were selfish, husband, that’s why I left. It was never about me. But everything makes so much sense now, and I don’t know how to handle the sense.

    You never wanted me, because you had hundreds of others. Why want your wife? You’re average 5’6″, 115lb wife? When you can have big boobed blah blah, and big ass so and so? Yea, I wouldn’t want me either. I wouldn’t look at me like I was anything special, too.

    And really? You would stoop so low as to get on Craigslist and look up girls that are willing? Really? And forget to delete it? And when I find it, laugh and say, “that was a total mistake. i promise, it’s not what it looks like.” And I forgot about it. I did. I was told not to, and I let it go, because you couldn’t stand me questioning you…

    I’m so beyond overwhelmed. I feel like shit. My body is aching, and all I want to do is sit. Stare off. Not feel a damn thing. But my mind won’t leave it alone. My mind keeps retracing every step of “us” and pointing out the signs I ignored. How stupid am I? I’m such a smart girl, I can’t believe I let you blindside me like this.

    How am I supposed to let this go? How am I to move forward? I’m trying. I’m trying really hard. I am. I just don’t know how to.

    I’m going to try. So I guess all I can say is, hope you don’t do it again. I can’t talk about this anymore. It makes me physically sick.

    It is what it is.

    broken heart

    by  • September 6, 2010 • 0 Comments

    The things I’ll never tell you:

    You broke my heart, I was your first girlfriend, your first kiss, you told me how much you loved me. Three days after we kissed, you broke up with me for my best friend. That night you’ll never know how much I cried. I was stupid, I knew you were going to break my heart, but still, I let you. And the things is that if you asked for another try, even though you hurt me so much, I would say yes.

    You don’t know how beautiful you made me felt. You don’t know how much you made me smile. But you also don’t know how much you hurt me. And I guess you never will.

    I miss you.

    I’m so sorry

    by  • September 6, 2010 • 0 Comments


    I know I don’t really know you, but I’m sorry for hating you. You’re Benny’s ex-girlfriend. Of course I hated you. I was threatened by you. I was always worried about living up to you. I was afraid you were funnier, or smarter, or prettier, or better for him. And you wanted him back. So if you were better, you could take him from me, and that scared the shit out of me.

    What I am sorry for is that I thought you were being crazy. I didn’t understand why you kept your relationship status as “it’s complicated.” Now I get it. I’m completely torn up by the fact that he broke up with me. I think about him constantly and dream about him every single night. It’s terrible. I miss him so much. I was only with him a few months, so I still can’t imagine how much worse it was for you. He was my first love, so maybe that makes it more intense. I don’t know. But I do know that you’re not crazy. But if you are, it’s perfectly understandable. Losing him has made me crazy, too. I hope you understand that I’m not trying to strike up some the-same-man-hath-done-us-wrong bond. I still don’t like you. I’m jealous of the fact that you got to be with him for over a year and I could only keep him interested for a few months. And I still hope to God that you’re going to back to being my boyfriend’s ex. But I won’t hate you anymore. I totally get it. Him leaving me completely shattered me in a way that I’ve never been hurt before, and I’m having just as hard of a time letting go as you did. I mean, I’m writing this letter online for Christ’s sake. I didn’t eat for three full days, and I still cry at least once everyday.

    I just thought you should know.

    Unfortunately, I still love you.

    by  • September 6, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Well, Ryan, here I am. Typing this letter, of which I’ll never send to you. Partly because I know you won’t care, and I wouldn’t want you to feel bad. I never wanted you to feel bad about anything. The day after you made me break up with you, I was laying on my bed, tears falling like rain, when all of a sudden, I heard, “Everything you say, every time we kiss I can’t think straight, but I’m okay. And I can’t think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you.” That was our song. That was your ringtone. I grabbed my phone and saw your name. I froze. I felt my heart leap into my throat and drop in my tummy at the same time. I quickly flipped open my phone and saw your text. It was simple. “Hey:)”. I didn’t want to reply, because I didn’t want to think of you. I wanted you out of my thoughts. But something came over me. I typed “Hello” and pressed send. You had asked my if I was okay. You’ll never know this, but that meant the world to me. To know that you cared, even the slightest bit, and wanted to see if I was alright. Ryan, I’m still in love with you. I hate that we have English together. Whenever I see you walk into that room, I want to run over and wrap my arms around you, like the good ol’ days. And after I do that, I want to punch you. To pound on your chest. To scream in your face. To let you know just how much you’ve hurt me in the past eight months. You continuously broke my heart over the course of our relationship. I never told you, though. Because I loved you too much with every shattered piece. Just when I thought I had pulled it all back together, there you go again. Breaking it. Smashing it to bits. I guess I should be happy now. Happy that we’re not together. That there won’t be anymore heartbreak. But I’m not. I’d rather be together, and have you mend and break my heart over and over, then just sitting here alone. I literally can’t do anything without it reminding me of you. I think about you way more than I should, and I’m sorry. But I love you. I can’t love anyone else right now. You’ve got me terrified of love. I can’t even say, “I love you” to my best friends anymore because of you. Thanks, for ruining my life. But I still love you.


    by  • September 6, 2010 • 1 Comment

    I read all these letters of love, unrequited love, yearning… And I wonder who they are too.

    And sometimes I wish I’d see one that was meant for me.

    Sometimes there is no happy ending…

    by  • September 6, 2010 • 0 Comments

    We stood together and laughed together. You made me feel like for once in my life, I was deserving of being loved. It’s only been two months, but I actually started to picture a future with you. I know how important your job is, but I just don’t understand how you can be so glib about it all. Based on our last few conversations, I’m not sure you ever cared about me the way I care about you.

    I can’t believe how much it hurts to think of you moving so far away. I really thought this was going somewhere. I’m so happy for you, because you’re doing what you love and you deserve to be happy. I just wish that I could share that with you.

    I have this aching hole in my chest, that makes me feel hollow. I want to tell you that I’m hurt and broken, but all I can do is smile and tell you how proud I am.

    I hope you find everything you’re looking for, as for what I’m looking for…it’s leaving with you. Someone should tell little girls that fairy tales don’t come true. Sometimes, there is no happy ending. It would have saved me a lot of hurt to know that. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…

    Tell that to the people who have lost.