Looking back on our time together it feels hazy…like I’m looking in on somebody else’s life. I steal glances at your Facebook page now and again and see that you have a new family and even friends. Wow. Friends. That was a shock to see.
When you were with me you really didn’t have any friends. You didn’t talk to your mom or communicate with your family. I guess that should have been my first clue.
I never thought that I would love again after we broke up.
I would go to sleep screaming, my eyes burning with tears, my voice hoarse. I would wake up from dreams of you with the reality flushing in that we were no more and I would begin my cry all over again. Dread filled my waking hours. Some days I would suddenly jolt from my desk because my emotions would overwhelm me. I spent hours talking to family and deciphering the reality of my situation. I went to counseling. I worked hard to see you for who you are instead of who I wanted you to be.
When you left, I had promised you that you would never be loved by anyone as much as I loved you.
And now it’s all so hazy.
Time has given me clarity. Your hold on me, sometimes gripping, has become weaker and weaker with each passing day.
The anger that I should have felt when I discovered your infidelities and lies…the anger from the hickeys, secret phone calls and internet history has still yet to surface. But I think that has much more to do with me than it does with you.
You are destined to replay the same history that you played with me and every person before me.
You are a schmuck and a liar. You are a whore. You are ugly. You are a fake. You will never feel love because you know you don’t deserve it. You will live with your new family until they get wise. And before she can kick you to the curb, you’ll already have lined up somebody else to move in with. You are very smart in that way. It’s like you can smell when to take flight.
I’ve had revenge fantasies of calling your wife and letting her in on the secret that when you first met each other you were still living with me. When you were in the throes of your budding romance, you were still spending every Tuesday night with me, declaring your undying love. One night you called me crying, begging me to take you back, that you had made a horrible mistake…and even though I had prayed for such a phone call…the reality was that I finally had learned who you were…and I couldn’t fathom going back to you. All of those fantasies don’t matter to me. I’m not a mean person and I wouldn’t do that to somebody else (her, not you). She will find out in her own due time.
I am so happy without you. I don’t worry any longer that you might be having an affair on me (which you were) and I don’t stress that I’m not enough for you (which I was).
I am completely and madly in love with a man who treats me well. He shows his love by his acts of service and follows through on his words. When he tells me he loves me I believe him. His words count for something. He doesn’t feel the need to lie about upgrading a necklace from white gold to platinum (even though you did no such thing).
So, this is just me telling you that I’ve broken my promise. I don’t love you. And since I never really knew you, I guess I never loved you.
I wish you peace.