I have spent my whole life being afraid of people, feelings and being alone and yet I cling to loneliness because I don’t know how to bond ? I’m so afraid of strong emotional feeling that its just easier now to mentaly and emotionaly isolate. And yet I still afrad to have people know that i’m this way so I hide behind being a bitch and not wanting to repeat the past relationship errors I made . And I don’t hate you for the child you were unable to love and nurture I made the same mistakes and know the demon was stronger then us. I thank God that I was save from spending the rest of my life in hell but in some ways I will always be in in a living prison.
I’m having an affair. I wish I could tell you that it’s meaningless. That it’s ‘just the letters.’ But she’s more than that to me. My new blog doesn’t limit postings to less than 0.01% of entries received! Sure she’s a bit young, and her looks a bit rough around the edges. But she has potential; I love who she is now and who she’ll be very soon! Oh, of course I will still flip through your books as I wander the aisles of Borders. But no longer will I wait up for you on Saturday nights until all hours of the morning!!! Though this is a letter I will never send… this is goodbye.
Why do people have to act so ridiculous? I mean come on you’re both
adults act your age! Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean that its
ok for both of you to act the way you do! Just grow up and let it
Everyone wants to have your gorgeous body, silky hair, youthful face, and flawless smile. You even wear nice clothes. Why do you think so little of yourself? I don’t know what you must have been through, but I can imagine it was traumatic. I really do feel bad for you, because I am no stranger to self-esteem issues. But in thinking so little of yourself, how do you manage to use others in such a way that only your selfishness is served? If only you had a personality to match your exterior that means so little. I really do want to like you. It is petty of me to be so jealous, but you get treated so well for being such a cunt.
15 years old is too young to die. You were so full of life; such a cheery, caring, compassionate girl. Life hadn’t dealt you the best cards, but you loved every moment of every ‘card.’ On my 13th birthday, as a surprise, you took me to get my ears pierced at Claries, and then we had a sleepover at my house. But because you lived so far away, we rarely got to hang out. Before your passing, we had mentioned hanging out again sometime, but had I know your time was so limited here, I would have made the plans in a heartbeat. I’m crying as I write this because I am alive, and you are not. I don’t know what it’s like where you are right now, but I do know that you are missing out on a lot of really great thing. First loves, kisses, first cars, getting married, having your first kid, and many other things that you never got a chance to experience. The saying’s true, and now I know it more than ever, ‘you don’t miss it until it’s gone.’ Even though we weren’t very close, I think about you every day. This is because you taught me a special way to tie my shoelaces, so that they aren’t knotted, but will never come undone. Ever since you taught me, I have tied them this way, and I always will. Every time I tie my shoes, I am reminded of how, even in the slightest ways you aren’t even aware of, you impacted people lives. Like they said in your obituary, you were well beyond your years, and had you lived a full life, you probably would have changed the world. I miss you Erin, and I wish I could have said goodbye.
We used to play almost every day in the summer. As we grew up, and learned to hide more and more of our emotions, we grew apart. This didn’t have to happen. While we only got one summer together every year, that seemed to be enough. I wish you hadn’t grown too old to still have these summers with me. We have grown so far apart since you moved. No matter how far away you are, I will remember those summers forever.