It’s always been you, it always will be. I thank God multiple times a day that He brought me back into your life, and He brought me into your life to stay. Sitting here with you in the apartment, I feel at home. I see your smile, I hear youlaugh and I know more than anything; that this is right. It’s how it was supposed to be all along. I can’t wait for our lives together. I love you until the stars go blue.
I can’t believe you’re almost a year old. I received a package the other day with photos of you. I can’t believe how big you are! You have the same light blonde hair, my blue eyes, my cheeks and my nose. I love how you look nothing like your father. You’re mostly me. I hated giving you away. It almost killed me. I wanted to keep you, so very badly.
I thought about taking on 3 jobs, anything that meant keeping you with me.
Your father didn’t want us. I thought if he knew he was having a son, it would change everything, but I was left standing alone like a fool.
I can’t believe for 7 months you were inside me, without me ever knowing. I’m glad you gave that hard hitting kick. When I saw you on the screen..I knew I was meant to be a mother. I guess, just not yours.
I wanted to be selfish and keep you. I wanted to raise you and teach you to be nothing like your father. I kept hoping for him to feel something for us even just you, but instead he found someone else.There came a point, when I didn’t care if he felt nothing for me. I just wanted him to love you, that’s all I ever wanted. After I gave you up, he proposed. He said he wanted to have “children of our own”. You ARE our child. I will never let him forget that. I will never be able to tell you what a piece of shit your father is. I will never be able to tell you how he left me alone to deal with this. I will never tell you that he was cheating on me. I will never be able to tell you that he didn’t want his family to know about you. I will never tell you, that he only told his mother about you, because he thought that would make me love him again. There are so many things I can never tell you, because I don’t want you to feel like you weren’t loved.
Me giving you up for adoption was the hardest, most self-less thing I have ever done. I wanted so much better for you. I wanted you to have a family 24/7. I wanted people to love you and be there for you, and not hide in shame. I wanted you so badly, but I knew if I kept you, you would eventually learn all of this. You are the best thing that as ever happened to me. You are my most proudest accomplishment. You and I share the same blood,the same genes, and I will always be your mother.
I love you Jax.
I’m sick of this stupid bullshit cycle that keeps happening. After all of the shit you can’t make up your mind. You take off for a couple of weeks, I adjust to the idea that i’m on my own and start to move on… and then bam you show back up with the “we need to talk about things” and the “I miss you”… and as always i give in… why because I love you and miss you too… but enough is enough. I’m sick of you showing up rocking my world and then leaving again because you “have to think” or you can’t make up your mind about what you have to do… if you won’t be man enough to make changes then I guess i’ll just have to wear the “big girl pants” in this so called relationship and start taking control. Fuck you and fuck your lack of choice in anything. You say you want to be mature… than start acting like it. Hahaha… you may one day learn to “stand” your relationship… but she’s not me and never will be and you know it. But… enough is enough… As Adele best sang it…Honey,that’s it… I quit… i’m moving on. 🙂 Have fun with that. It’s time for me to go enjoy life…. fuck off… enjoy yours…. with any luck I’ll see you years down the road… and when i do… i’ll just laugh.
I haven’t been this happy or excited or in love…I haven’t felt this ALIVE in years. So many years of just hurting and wanting and waiting..But then you, out of nowhere, walked into my life, and I felt ALIVE again. ALIVE, babe, ALIVE. Do you know what that means? It means I woke up in the morning ecstatic purely because of your existence in my life. It means I had smiles etched into my face from thinking about you so much. It means I felt something ahead of me, something to grow for.
But, babe, I think I gotta go now. I think I gotta leave. I’ll be praying for you. Every single day. Thinking about you. More than I ever should. But, babe, I promise you that I’ll never forget. And I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never stop loving you…
Thank you for saving my life.
It’s my turn to save yours.
Thanks so much.
Dear everyone, everywhere:
Your worth as a human being isn’t determined by your romantic status, or your waist size, or how tall you are. Nor is it dependent on your religion, your faith, or your diet of choice.
What it IS dependent upon is your ability to believe what you’re worth. Which is, I gotta say, quite a lot. Don’t underestimate your own capacity for being fucking awesome.
If you’re ever feeling down or less than human, please just remember this: no matter who you are or what you look like, there is someone out there who loves you (you beautiful bastard) and that person is me.
Break free and own your life.
It’s so hard to know what to say and what to think and how to progress. I want to be able to join in with everyone and declare the last two years a waste of time, and say that everything was all a giant mistake. But I can’t do that. And I keep looking back and wanting to go back to those days so badly, all the stuff we did together that no one else will understand and so I don’t even bother trying to explain it to them. I never even noticed how much control you had over me, how manipulative you’d been. I ended up completely under your control and, even know this is stupid, I sort of miss that. I wasn’t thinking for myself and you took care of me and my decisions and my plans and what I ate and what I wore and who I saw and how I acted. Thinking for myself is so hard now because I don’t even know who I am without you. And I will have to see you day in, day out until we finish school. And although I will pretend I don’t care, I will always be dressing for you and wondering if you approve of me. I’m too good for you. I think deep down I know this. And there’s new boys now. But will I be forever comparing them to you? Will I be able to have a boyfriend who doesn’t control everything I do? Will I be able to think for myself? Do I even know who I am anymore (cliche that that is)…
I want to let the new person in. But I’m still trying to let you out.