It’s hard for me to sit here and not think about you. I truly Love you and i don’t think you truly know the true extent. I have said it to you time and time again, but you know me to be a Woman after God’s own Heart, so you automatically think that when i say i love you , that i am expressing God’s Love. But man it is far greater than you can ever imagine. I have played the game of trying to avoid you, and even blocking you out for a short period of time, and just when i think i can move on something just keeps leading me back to endless thoughts of you. And not in a physical form, i think past the physical because if that’s all it’s about , i am wasting my thoughts. My heart is torn, i sit and type and wonder if you know would that make a big difference. Should i pick up the phone an just call you and when you answer just openly say —– I ——-, Love you and i am in Love with you , i want to be the one to complete you. But the catch is i can’t take you not feeling the same, so as i sit in silence IF HE ONLY KNOW I TRULY LOVE HIM….
i just want to escape! and leave and not have to deal with anything!!!!
Sometimes it makes me so angry and sometimes I just want to forget. You would think I could just get over it. I’ve made my bed, and I sleep like a baby but I don’t mind saying, “how it’s a sad, sad, story your family decided to hate a perfect stranger and how in the world can what we had send them so over the edge that they would tell you our life together was over.” I still hate you for that, but I still love you, too.
Everyday you’re there my day is perfect. Everyday you’re not, my day is long.
You’re smile makes my day, I see it in my dreams, and it makes me long to make you mine. You’re beauty is unmatched, and far beyond mine. But still I wish you were at my side.
Every night I dream about you, I see you, I hear you, and you’re with me. I’m never happier, then the morning comes to snatch you from me once again.
Every time you call my name brings me joy, everytime you talk to me makes me euphoric. But when the conversation ends, my happiness fades away again.
Once more unto the breach! I exclaim, with full intent to share these letters, but never with the courage too.
Since it’s going to be a year until I can go home, I try to forget about you. I ignore you on facebook and I purposefully fail to remember that I have your phone number. Then you send me a sweet message, and I lose my composure all over again. I can’t stop thinking about you (and me, together). You’re driving me crazy, and you’re a thousand miles away. I almost wish I could say I wanted you to stop, but that would be an unutterable, atrocious lie.
I knew going into this that I had no idea what was going to happen–I know he knew it too, although maybe in a less finite way. I know I’m the one who over-thinks, over-worries, over-analyzes every single fucking thing that comes my way, and that more often than not I make myself miserable over nothing (recalling the idiocy that was 3 weekends ago…yeah, that little bit of paranoid stupidity). I knew he’d be busy, and I’d (hopefully) be busy, and that he’d want time alone, as would I, and that I hadhadHAD to make him go and be by himself with his friends when he needed it and I would just need to suck it up and find something else to occupy me. I knew all of that–and all of it was fine. I could deal with all of it–you know very fucking well how used I am to being on my own.
But last night…last night almost killed me. Which is stupid, right? NOT going out to hang out with strangers, in a strange place? Yeah, that’s a real fucking bummer. And yet I felt abysmal and cried until about 3 am. I still feel awful. And I don’t know how to make it stop.
I know this is stupid. I know it’s only been–hell, it hasn’t even BEEN a whole week, has it? And I know I have to say something. I will…but you know how freaking awful I am at starting these conversations. Besides, this is definitely a me problem, which unfortunately needs a me solution that, for the life of me, I can’t come up with.
I read this book once (aaaand I can’t believe I’m referencing an assigned reading in what, whatever my original intentions, has turned out to be a prayer) which said that all prayers only boil down to basically 2 fundamental requests of God: ‘help me, help me, help me’ and ‘thank you, thank you, thank you’. Guess which one this is?