• George

    by  • March 1, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dear George,
    You’re a tool if ever I’ve seen one. Be yourself, Man! I’m sure some nice gal will come along who will appreciate you for what you are, but stop trying to mold yourself to please others. That’s one of the many reasons I couldn’t stand to be with you any longer. You try too hard! People hate that!

    And, don’t say your penis is bigger than it is…I have eyes, and it’s average at best. It won’t magically get bigger if you say it’s bigger. That’s just stupid, you big fat tool.

    And another thing. When someone says, “Don’t come to my mom’s funeral,” that’s exactly what they mean. DON’T SHOW UP. But, ya did. (tool)

    I do feel a little bit sorry for you, though. You were in love with me, and it was terribly sad for you when I broke it off, and that sucks. But to not get over it and at least stay in touch on Facebook? That’s a little childish, don’t ya think? Oh, wait, that’s right…your girlfriend “won’t allow it.”

    I rest my case.
    One word:
    Tool.

    He’s just not that into you if he’s cheatin’

    by  • March 1, 2010 • 1 Comment

    Dear Corrinne,
    Your husband had an affair w/ me. There. I said it. I hope you’ve realized by now that you deserve better. You’re lucky in one way only if you’re still with him, and that is his one redeeming quality…his large penis. Honestly, that’s why I stayed so long. He’s not good looking. He’s super cynical. His teeth are bad and he has a big nose and an obnoxious laugh. I’ll never know why I stayed with him for so long, except I guess I can say he saved me for finally finding MY mister right.
    One word:
    Kismet.

    To be or not to be? That is just STUPID

    by  • March 1, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dear Shakespeare,

    Why do you make everything so difficult to understand? Is it fun for you to make things so formal and vague? “To be or not to be?” Why don’t you just LET it BE and BE done with it? I understand that in your time you were a great playwright, but this is not your time anymore so why are you still around?

    Why do all of your characters look at each other ONCE and then go off to get married, have 50 kids, and then die a painful death? Why couldn’t there at least have been a few dates?

    AND ANOTHER THING…WHY do all of your plays end so tragically? WHAT could possibly be wrong with a happy ending? WHY couldn’t Juliet have woken up sooner? Why was Romeo so lovesick after a few days of knowing her? WHY THE HELL DID THEY KILL THEMSELVES?!?!?

    Is platonic really the word?

    by  • February 28, 2010 • 0 Comments

    To all my dear boys: I love you all so much more than I think I’ll ever be able to articulate. You are all so beautiful in so many different and remarkable ways. Whenever I talk to any of you, I invariably smile and fall a little more in love with you…your sarcasm, your light, your slight-but-endearing twist of insanity. I die a little inside when you tell me your experiences of hate and violence, but feel such an intense rush of love for the strength and grace that you bring with you out of all those trials that I often have to remind myself to breathe again afterwards. I hate when you can’t be yourselves, but I love that you share yourselves and your stories with me, and I feel so privileged to be your confidante, sister, and occasional hetero-true love.

    worst advice ever

    by  • February 28, 2010 • 7 Comments

    I’m so sick of hearing people say “you’ll meet someone when you stop looking/ stop thinking about it.” That’s bullshit. Worst advice ever.

    dear one night stand

    by  • February 28, 2010 • 0 Comments

    To you,

    Sometime I wish I could just brush off that night like it wasn’t a big deal, but I can’t. We shared something so intimate and that’s not to be taken lightly.

    I apologize for my contributions to the mess and misunderstandings that followed, but I can’t apologize for the way I feel/felt…only the way I acted as a result.

    IN all honesty, I got carried away. Even though we both said it wasn’t going to go anywhere, part of me hoped it would. I was acting on impulse and not wisely.

    I hope we both find happiness and love, wherever and whenever that may be.

    I hope the rest of this year can be okay between us.

    Respectfully,

    Me.