I fell in love with you on the internet. It took me 6 years to get up the courage and get on that plane, and it was only because of you I even had that opportunity. I got on that plane and the whole way there I pondered if you’d even like me. I wondered and cuddled with two strange men on the plane. I will never forget the moment I saw you. I will NEVER forget that. Your very presence scared me. My heart literally stopped beating. My breath no longer existed. I couldn’t hear anything or see anything except for you. Then, I snapped back to reality and realized that I just flew over 2,000 miles to meet a stranger. But we weren’t really strangers now were we? I love you. You are fucking LIFE CHANGING. You are my kindred spirit in every way. You are what compliments me. You take care of me. You are honest and loving and beautiful and intelligent. I want so badly to be articulate about my feelings when I speak to you.
My words are just slander. The truth is, I have lived my life very..poorly for the past 6 years. I have dated quite a few people, some serious and some not so serious. With every relationship came the moment I broke the news to them that I would never love them. I lost many friends, many lovers, and many acquaintances due to this fact. I will never love anybody that is not you. I have tried. Oh, how I have tried! I will not be truly happy in my life until I have you as my lover, my friend, and my everything. You are everything to me and I sound absolutely, positively NUTS, but fuck it. I am in love with you. I have spent 6 years trying to convince myself I don’t love you, but every night when I fall asleep, I think of you. I dream of you. When my day is bad at work and I am thinking about how much I hate my job, I think “It’s okay..I can do this. I am doing this for Shady, not me.” That is what gets me through each day. You. You are the fucking root of all evil. You are Satan reincarnate with a craving for the blood from a freshly wounded heart. I am that sacrifice.
I want to believe that it all meant something that what happened between us would eventually make it’s way to me with clarity but it hasn’t. Everything is still so…awful, i honestly cannot even find the strength to even try. I accept that you are indeed two years younger than me; and that you were easily swayed to believe that I’d do such despicable things. You were my best friend Rosea, and yes i am using your nickname if you happen to ever come across this, you’ll know who i am.
I want to forget that night, and the following nine hours. Its honestly really pathetic to recall, why did you react that way? it’s driving me insane!! I didn’t do anything wrong and you and your boy gang sets me up stone cold, and don’t fucking deny it, you know you’re the faulty one here…god i meant it when i said you were LITERALLY the ONLY friend my damn over protective lazy parents let me see ever. i had friends at school, they are good ones none the less, but you….haha you my friend, were the best. i saw you almost everyday and weekend for sixteen years. but then you forced me to end it, you cornered me, making me a choice, something to throw around for a couple days until you finally made up your mind if you were to keep me or toss me aside.
…I wish you would see that I was here. I wish I wasn’t a game to you, honey, this is going to have to be your most perfectly played game yet. I wish you could feel the butterflies in my stomach when you say my name. I wish you could feel the sensation that rips through me when you touch me.
BUT most of all, my wish is this:
I wish you could feel the way that you make me me feel.
i fell for you for no apparent reason. you’re not at all my type. i don’t even find you that attractive. and on top of all that, you were my brother’s friend. but despite that, i liked you. for two years. it was put on hold after you hurt me the first time. i wrote it off. i decided i was too naive, and i should have realized nothing would ever happen. i told myself i was smarter now. and then you did it again. you charmed me somehow. and i was yours. i never enjoyed kissing until i met you. it became my favorite thing to do. those nights when we just held each other, and talked and kissed for hours on end, when neither of us wanted to sleep, they meant so much to me. i hate to admit it, but they still do. and i remember in the back of my mind, always thinking, this is amazing, but she comes back soon. she wasn’t your girlfriend, she hadn’t been for years. but i knew you guys had some sort of connection. and then, out of nowhere, you opened up to me about hating her, and how you don’t want anything to change when she comes back. and i believed you. god, i believed you. and i was so excited. i didn’t know if we’d date, because you’re you, you don’t date. but i knew you liked me, i knew i was more than a random hookup, and that was enough. it was enough to be wanted. and then she came back. and it was different. you were different. she was always right there. and even if you didn’t want her there, you said nothing. you never said anything. it was so humiliating, everyone knew about us, yet you completely ignored me for her. at least if it was a secret i could have dealt with the pain myself, and not had to deal with pity glances from all of our friends. and then came the night that broke me. we were actually talking all night, and she kept her distance. and then she didn’t. and somehow you ended up sleeping over my house with her. my house. with her. i was crushed. (more…)
Just so we’re clear, I thought we were going out to lunch just you and me. When you brought him to the car, when he said hello and didn’t even recognize me, all I could think was “I could have been packing right now.” It was my last day in town before moving halfway across the country and you choose then to use me as a taxi to get food for your coaches? I was tired, scared, and I needed you. I needed my best friend and it hurt that you considered their needs more important than mine. But I was leaving out of state for college anyway right, so what did I matter to you anymore? You didn’t know if I’d still want to be friends any way. Why not end it now? For all your ethics you robbed me of company on my loneliest day.
Just so there’s no doubt, I knew when I became your friend that I risked this ending. I just hoped by being there for you I’d help you avoid becoming a jaded cynic who has answers for everything but only cynics to share it with. And that was arrogant of me, I see that now. Your life is hard and I was there for you selflessly but my hands are liars. Seeing how relationships might continue doesn’t mean I’m blind to the ways they might end. Realizing that I won’t be your bitch must have hurt and if you had gotten over that fact earlier in the relationship we would have been better friends. But now you’ll be too chicken shit to try and fix this after I sent you that text asserting myself. Sweetheart, life is messy. It isn’t calculus. Friendship has no formulas; you can play by the book and lose every time. You can’t give unselfish love if you don’t practice it and believe me, it will serve you better than all the Debate trophies you win. For all the books you’ve read you still have an uneducated heart.