• I needed more time.

    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Maybe it’s just me jumping to conclusions again.
    Maybe it’s you and her, finally finding that puzzle piece you were missing.
    Maybe you’re happy now, happier than you’ve ever been with anyone else.
    Maybe things could’ve been different if we had that year.
    Maybe that, this, could have been us, and not you and her.
    Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn’t.
    I hope this doesn’t change things. I hope this doesn’t change you.
    Maybe I’m overreacting.
    Maybe I thought I was over it, over you.
    Maybe I was wrong.
    Maybe you’re only doing this because you could, we could, never find the right time to be together. Maybe not.
    Most likely not.
    Please just tell me you’re happy. That you’re not doing this out of spite, or peer pressure…
    Although I wish you could be happy with me, I know that you’ll never be.

    Rest in peace, Alexander

    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I can’t fucking believe you’re gone.

    You were my big bro. My rock.

    You were supposed to give me away at my wedding. Now I never want to get married because that was YOUR job.

    God fucking damn it, Alex. Why did you have to drink so much? You have no idea what you did to mom. You have no idea how much we all miss you and how much we’re crying. You have no idea how much you meant to me, to us, to Kelly, to the whole fucking world.

    She literally just sent me a text as I was typing this asking me to make sure a lock of your hair was cut off your body before your cremation, because that was all she’d have of you. And not to wash your clothes. I remember taking home my boyfriends shirt so that I could have his smell for a few nights. I can’t even begin to imagine how desperately she needs that. How many pieces her heart will break into once she loses that smell.

    I’m not angry with you at all. I just wish there was something that I could have done to stop it. I wish I wasn’t so nice to you the other day on skype when you told me that you were “just sick” (for three fucking weeks) and when I tried to inquire more into the subject you told me to back the fuck off.

    I know you were so goddamn miserable over there. And that makes it so much worse. I should have called you more. I should have skyped with you more, what the fuck was I doing? Nothing. No job. No school. But I couldn’t console my lonely lost brother who was stuck in a godforsaken country and needed me. I’m so sorry. I love you so much and I’ll miss you forever.

    I’ll see you on the other side.

    I Understand

    by  • September 12, 2010 • 1 Comment


    I just want to say that I understand.

    But…it wasn’t my fault.

    I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry I made you live, even though you wanted to die. I know why you are angry. I know why you had this self-loathing. I got you help. I was there. I was just trying to be your friend. I just wanted to be your friend. Then, you used me and abused me…do you know how many nights I spent crying on the floor?

    I was bent so far, I honestly don’t know how you didn’t break me. But, like I said, I understand. You needed help. And that’s ok. But, you took pride in throwing the help away. You made it your business to make me suffer instead.

    I just thought you should know that I finally put the sheets back on my bed. Oh! I got a puppy. I also just want you to know that I really do understand all that you were going through. You were just unwell.

    I understand. I understand. But you can’t have me anymore. I’m done. Let go. This is not my battle. Not anymore. And I’m tired of feeling guilty. Guilty for nothing. Unlike you, I understand when it’s time to move on. Don’t try to find me.



    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I was drunk too, you know.
    Neither of us knew what we were doing.
    It was your virginity, my second time.
    You popped me, anyway.
    Now you dont talk to me. You told me you liked me a lot. Do you remember that? I liked you too.
    Now you ignore me.
    Now you dont want to hang out with me.

    And you don’t even know I’m pregnant with your kid.


    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Last night I cried myself to sleep.

    I don’t want to get married, and I know that is where you are headed. But I know if I say no, our relationship will probably deteriorate and I won’t see you after that. I can’t marry you, and I can’t stand the thought of losing you. I don’t even know how to begin to explain this to you, because I love you so much and have never given you any inkling of sadness in this treasured little relationship.

    Sorry in advance for the hurt I’ll bring to both of us.

    What we were really talking about…

    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    When you asked me today what we talked about when we walked off when you were drunk, I told you nothing.

    I lied.

    Well, I kinda told the truth when I said we were talking about my problems, but you were part of it. You are my best friend in this whole entire world and I love you way more than anything, but at the same time, you almost make me want to kill myself, but I would never do that, so you make me want to hide in my house and never come out.

    Everywhere we go, someone knows your name. All the guys are always staring at you and flirting with you. Everyone has a nickname for you. Everyone thinks that you’re the best thing since sliced bread, and I have to admit that your’e pretty great, but in some aspects, I think I’m better.

    Yeah, you’re pretty. Yeah, you’re size 8 and I’m size 18. Yeah, you demand everyone’s attention, but it’s really beginning to bother me.

    I think you’ve become a liar. You’ve always been a klepto, but it’s getting worse and I can tell. I really don’t think your health problems are as bad as you said they were today. You probably only said that because the guys were there and you wanted to either impress them or be the center of attention like you always are.

    Your singing drives me crazy because you don’t work on making it better and you never take my advice. Not that I’ve been taking voice lessons for years and been in a choir constantly since I was 4 and try to help you.

    You being the frontman for our band drives me absolutely insane, but it’s too petty for me to think of saying anything. I really do love you. You’re an amazing person who is a shining light, but at the very same time, it’s cold living in your shadow and I just want to warm up for a second.